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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed of with dh and his gym time...

92 replies

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:40

Dh has started going to the gym in the past couple of months and has been going 3/4 times a week-usually for a couple of hours after work.

I am a sahm and the only time I get to myself is when I go swimning once a week.

Dh has now started to go to the gym on a saturday or a sunday too.

Today I took dcs to their activity and then to the local church fair. When we came home dh said he was going to the gym and was gone for 4 hours!

He took the car and I didnt have any cash so was stuck in all day with dcs going stir crazy.

AIBU to want to rip his fucking head off?....

OP posts:

iknowwho · 03/11/2012 17:41

No you are not!

TidyDancer · 03/11/2012 17:43

Have you discussed this with him? If so, what did he say?

I go to the gym, as does DP, but we either stagger the time or go together when DCs are with GPs.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 03/11/2012 17:44

YANBU. Time off has to be equal, or it's not fair. Why couldn't he have gone to the gym while you were at the other things?

You need to sit down and work out an agreed timetable. Maybe you could go swimming more often too?

TalkinPeace2 · 03/11/2012 17:44

YANBU
he is hiding
you need to find out why and what from

BlueberryHill · 03/11/2012 17:45

YANBU, have you spoken to him about this, why does he do it and how much time does he spend with the children?

Sorry about all the questions, it would drive me bananas, 4 hours for a workout? What is wrong with a pair of trainers and a run?

BlueberryHill · 03/11/2012 17:46

Ooh Talkin\peace has a good point

Seenenoughtoknow · 03/11/2012 17:47

4 hrs for a workout seems very strange to me. In my extreme gym years (was once super fit!) I would NEVER spend 4 hours in the gym...

C0smos · 03/11/2012 17:47

He's up to something, no one goes to the gym for 4 hours unless its a 1 hour drive away.
I also gym 3 times a week, I go 1 evening, then on my 1 day off in the week when my DS is at school and then I run early at the weekends so I don't take up too much family time.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 17:47

Agree with Talking , he is actively removing mimself from family life and duties.

Why didnt he go to the gym while you were at the activity?

Could you tell him that every hour he spends doing his hobby, he should also make the same time to care for the dcs while you have the equivalent space.

What tasks/childcare duties does he do at home (and please dont tell me "well, he goes out to work" - this does not absolve a man of the responsibilites of his own creation!)

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 17:48

Yes, id also be curious at the amount of time spent on the gym - is he getting anymore svelte?

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:49

No I havent discussed it with him-I was too angry when he came home. I went out as soon as he came home and have been wandering the local shopping centre for the past 2 hours trying to calm down!

He knows I am pissed off though as muttered something when I came home.

I am not angry that he is going to the gym btw-he really needs to lose weight but it is more tha fact that he could have gone in the morning while I had dcs out and then we could have all done something as a family.

He did the same thing last saturday too now that I come to think of it-I had taken dd to dancing and then the toddler to softplay and he buggered off to the gym as soon as we got home and then went for a haircut. Think he does it deliberately...

OP posts:

mutny · 03/11/2012 17:49

Yanbu. I say this as someone who spends 15 hours the gym per week, at least.

to make it fair with me and dh, sometimes I go at 6.30 am and am back for the school run, or sometimes ( shock horror) I miss going.

We work it out on a weekly basis. Some weeks I may get more time than him, sometimes he might.

But if either of us went out with all the money for 4 hours, meaning the other had to stay in. The shit would hit the fan.

AThingInYourLife · 03/11/2012 17:49

YANBU

It's no better than if he'd fucked off to the pub leaving you with no transport and no money.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:50

No I am not suspicious of where he is going-its definately the gym. Its a council gym so he has to hang about to make sure he gets on all the machines he wants too.He gets like this-goes through phases of being obsessed and then it tails of....

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 03/11/2012 17:52

4 hours in the gym is shocking.

I know I could of pre DC as I would use the sauna, steam room go for a swim and also jump on the sun beds.

KellyElly · 03/11/2012 17:53

Also why is it always you talking the kids to their weekend activities. Why doesn't he share that with you or all go together? He sounds quite selfish.

mutny · 03/11/2012 17:54

This would piss me right off. If dh is going somewhere he can take our toddler, its an ideal opportunity for me to go and vice versa.
then we spend the afternoon together.

its like hr is trying to ensure he gets the whole day to himself.
Why did he not go with you in the morning. I would understand the afternoon gym session if hr had at least bothered with you in the morning.

Is he losing weight? I mean is it actually coming off. Because tbh it sounds like he is taking the piss.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:54

I have posted about dh many times before.The main problem is he doesnt respect the fact I am a sahm. He thinks I sit about all day doing nowt so if I point out that its not fair that he gets to spend all the time on himself I get the dirty looks and mutters under the breath about how I dont work

Things have actually improved recently-I dont let him away with half the shit I used too although I know it doesnt sound like it!

OP posts:

EmmelineGoulden · 03/11/2012 17:55

Pink that does sound deliberate. YANBU to be annoyed with him, at best it's thoughtless. But there's not much point posting here until you've tried talking with him.

DontmindifIdo · 03/11/2012 17:57

He's removing himself from the family. He's doing it deliberately, the gym is the excuse.

I think you need to say he's getting an unfair amount of 'me' time - if there are 5 evenings and 2 weekend days, then I think it's fair you say he can go 3 evenings a week after work, if you can go swimming/do something else the other two, then on the weekends you get half a day each, but that if he wants to go Saturday afternoon, then he has to take the DCs to their activities on the morning, and Sundays are for family.

If he doesn't want to 'share' the 'me time' available, ask him straight out why he's avoiding you and the DCs. Because he is.

mutny · 03/11/2012 17:57

I know loads of people who spend 4 hours in the gym. Usually pissing around tbh. Going from machine to machine, chatting in between. Generally time wasting.
I mean the ones that use the gym as a social thing (fair enough up to them) or perhaps hiding from their family.
Serious gym users don't take 4 hours.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:59

Tbf-sorry dont mean to drip feed-he does usually take dc1 to his activity on a saturday morning and I take the other 2 kids-but the activity was cancelled today. But when he mentioned going to the gym I did just assume that he would go in the morning as it seemed the sensible thing to do.

However he does moan if I tell him we are doing things as a family on a saturay-if he had his way he would sit on his arse playing computer games all day!

He also always expected us to go to his parents for dinner every sunday-this went on for 16 years!-but after a huge row a few momths ago I put my foot down over that and now we only go every second week.

I am not a door-mat-really!

OP posts:

TalkinPeace2 · 03/11/2012 18:00

I have no problem with the amount of time spent at the gym - I regularly spend three hours at mine doing classes and swimming
BUT
the angrier you are at him each time he comes in the door, the more likely he is to delay doing so.

Get a babysitter and the two of you go out for supper. Nowhere posh - Chinese with a set menu so you have no distractions
and TALK TO EACH OTHER

He comes in from work and you tell him about kids
he wants to talk about work
you are losing your common subjects
re find them
take the time to work on your marriage this week. Its important.

whois · 03/11/2012 18:01

"no one goes to the gym for 4 hours"

Um, yes they do if they love exercise. My dad (retired, children all left home) will happily spend 4 hours at the gym if he can't get out running due to I jury or on his bike due to weather. He'll bike for an hour or two, then do some swimming and stretching an sauna steam room hot tub. Shower, get changed and come home. Takes all afternoon.

No kids at home tho and spends time with my retired mum every day tho.

4 hours not reasonable with kids

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:03

Yes just to reiterate-my problem is NOT with the gym-I want him to get healthier as he is very over weight and I was concerned. It is the fact that he feels he can just swan off when he feels like it leaving me with the dcs and no cash-plus not telling me how long he would be.

I am getting my own back tomorrow though as am going to tell him he can take dcs to cinema while I go for a swim

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