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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed of with dh and his gym time...

92 replies

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:40

Dh has started going to the gym in the past couple of months and has been going 3/4 times a week-usually for a couple of hours after work.

I am a sahm and the only time I get to myself is when I go swimning once a week.

Dh has now started to go to the gym on a saturday or a sunday too.

Today I took dcs to their activity and then to the local church fair. When we came home dh said he was going to the gym and was gone for 4 hours!

He took the car and I didnt have any cash so was stuck in all day with dcs going stir crazy.

AIBU to want to rip his fucking head off?....

OP posts:

TalkinPeace2 · 03/11/2012 18:05

Pinkforever
That won't help
as you are doing back to him what he has done to you.

All of you go to the cinema together
THEN
you go for a swim while he and they do some activity at home and then all eat a meal together - at the table, slightly OTT but fun
and then book that babysitter for mid week

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:07

Dont have any babysitters. Plus he wouldnt do an acitvity at home with the dcs-he would play on his computer,they would wreck the place and I would come home and have to clear it up....

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 03/11/2012 18:11

Dp the committed fitness fanatic reckons he's either wasting 3 hours or he's putting in some serious distance work - eg running a half marathon.

We both reckon HIBU to waste family time.

I suggest you find yourself a hobby that takes an equal or greater amount of time and involves leaving him to look after the dc and do all the housework for a significant period...

(if actually talking to him doesn't work)

Corygal · 03/11/2012 18:12

I would stop muttering and start talking. DH is doing this deliberately to get away from "family time" ie looking after the kids.

Even my 50s dad didn't pull this one so much - it needs to change. Find out why he's doing it first. Options to suggest:

a) he resents you for not earning and is damned if he's doing a moment of childcare, because that's your part of the bargain

b) he is knackered and depressed and wants some peace

Maybe if the cause is underlying resentment, you could explain why it isn't worth going back to work yet because of childcare costs and/or other reasons you aren't working. Be nice at first - he may not appreciate you because he's daft, and nothing more sinister than that. Point out that whatever the reason he's bolting, he's missing out on seeing his kids grow up. And, equally importantly, spending time with his beloved waife.

If that fails, book a weekend away with a mate and tell him on Friday night as you swing out the door.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:16

Actually I have got a weekend with a friend planned-I havent told him yet though! he never moans about looking after the dcs tbf-its just that he will let them run riot and I have to clear up all the shit when I come home.

I actually have more nights out than he does-he is not sociable!-but when I go out is usually at dcs bed times so have already done dinner,baths etc-put in a full shift really-so its not as if he could moan about that!

OP posts:

mutny · 03/11/2012 18:17

Yes just to reiterate-my problem is NOT with the gym-I want him to get healthier as he is very over weight

But how much weight has he lost. I would be really surprised if you would not be upset of you found out he is going to the gym and not actually bothering to it effectively.

You say your not a doormat but and I would come home and have to clear it up.... says otherwise.
If he can't even be bothered to make sure they house is tidy then he is using you as a doormat.
However if the kids are doing something later the same day, I don't get why he should plan an activity everytime you go out. Kids don't have to have planned activities all day every day.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 18:18

Why did you not have any access to money?

Corygal · 03/11/2012 18:20

Well that's something. But you also need some time as a couple, you really do. Fork out for a babysitter and a cheap dinner. Or do a date night at home when DC are incarcerated for the night.

nannynick · 03/11/2012 18:22

Does the gym have a creche, sports activities for older children? Maybe he could be encouraged to take a child with him.
At gym today I saw one of the dads collect his dd from the creche then they got ready for swimming. So that dad was getting his gym time plus having some daddy daughter time.

I did an hour class at gym, then spa pool and steam room. I was there a bit over 2 hours in total. So to me 4 hours seems a bit long but it depends what he is doing.

mutny · 03/11/2012 18:23

maybe you need to do more as a couple? there seems to be a lot of time spent apart.

BlueberryHill · 03/11/2012 18:24

I agree with TAlkinPeace, the whole approach to family time needs to change and it isn't right that he plays on a computer game and the kids run riot. Is he actually being a father.

Also agree if he is taking 4 hours he is pissing about and not training fully, could do it in less time if you really go at it.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:24

The kids dont have activities all day every day-they have 1 on a saturday morning and 1 on a sunday. Leaves the rest of the day for time to do something else-my dcs go stir crazy staying at home. I take them to the park pretty much every weekend when its dry but I do get fed up when I see plenty of dads there and I know my dh wont do that....

Re the housework-yes he does rip the piss there. I have started to delegate jobs for him but I still do 95% of the stuff so I guess I am a doormat there.

Re the money thing-I have posted before about this. The only money I get is the cb and I spend that on the dcs. I dont have access to "his" money and I have to ask if I want some.

Yes I kknow this is NOT right and I am working on it. He went mad a couple of weeks ago because I took his bank card but I told him straight that me having to ask him for money was not on and I wasnt going to put up with it anymore so things are improving slightly.....

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 18:26

Oh my word.

Gym is small fry, isnt it.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:29

Yes you are right-the gym really isnt the real problem here but I can only tackle the bits I feel able too.

For a long time I didnt realise the money thing was so bad-he pays all the bills/food/mortgage etc. But I now know from things I have learned on here and from observing how friends who are sahm are treated by their dh's-that it is not on for my dh to keep me short of cash.

Its just after so long it is really hard to know how to tackle it.....

OP posts:

mutny · 03/11/2012 18:34

Op, he is trying to control you.
that's why he went out for 4 hours. I am 99% certain he is not spending 4 hours actually working out at the gym. He ripping the piss because its your 'job' to provide childcare.
In all honesty him not planning stuff with the kids wouldn't bother me to a certain degree. Dg sometimes spends a couple of hours on the computer but would do it with dd while ds napped. For example. sometimes dh has down time with them. Again fine.

But he wouldn't let them trash the house then expect me to tidy it.

The gym issue is not just an issue of hi. Having more 'me' time. Its about home controlling you.

mutny · 03/11/2012 18:35

Oh and you really should have your own card and not have to steal his when you want money. That's the same as having to ask.

GreenPetal94 · 03/11/2012 18:35

Do you love him? He does sound very selfish from this description but maybe there is another side?

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 18:36

I would put my hand on my heart and tell you there is no way he is in the gym for four hours, either that or he has absobloodylutely no idea about training and fitness, or he is a professional athlete.

The gym however is a good excuse for why you need to jump straight in the shower before you come home isn't it?

And I say that as someone with a husband who is a fitness professional and who both go to the gym six days a week.

TalkinPeace2 · 03/11/2012 18:45

OP
Get a babysitter - I cannot believe that nobody in your area has suggestions

you and he need to talk as equal adult human beings
or your marriage is doomed

YellowTulips · 03/11/2012 18:46

My DH goes to the gym between 4/5 times a week.

However, he mainly does this early in the morning before work or in his lunch hour. When he does go at the weekend he usually mentions his plan on Friday and asks when would be the best time to go to fit in with family plans (and if it doesn't he won't go).

I don't mind this - its something he genuinly enjoys and he isn't someone who has lots of other hobbies consuming his time and he pulls his weight on all aspects of childcare and home life (we both work full time).

However, as much as a "gym nut" as he is, he has never spent more than 2 hours there (30/40 mins cardio and the rest on weights). Unless someone is a professional bobdy builder I can't see how the hell you could spend 4 hours there - so my alarm bells start ringing on this right away....especially when he does this he is taking your only form of transport.

Add in the money issue and in your place I would have a serious think about what value he is bringing to the family as currenty stands. It seems the "gym" issue is symptomatic of someone who is far from "fully engaged" with familiy life in general and I would look to tackle the bigger problem rather than focusing on one instance on how this manifests itself.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:48

No he really is going to the gym-he has done this before and got obsessed and insisted on going when he wanted to. He hasnt lost a lot of weight because he wont give up the beer and the takeaways!

Yes I agree I shouldnt have to take his card but I am doing that to try and get the message through to him that I deserve access to our money. He never said a word this time when I said that it wasnt right that he makes me ask for it like a child asking for pocket money so something must be sinking in....

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:49

Also the reason I didnt have any cash today was because I bought a few bits for the dc this week for xmas and I spent the last few pounds I ha on them at the church fair.

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 18:50

I dont know how you tackle it, OP, but my incentive for doing so would be to ensure my dcs didn't grow up thinking this is how it works in relationships.

A serious sit down and a talk is needed. Or ask him to read this thread

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 18:51

Yellow I am completely with you on this one.

Pink why are you so certain he is at the gym for the full four hours?

TalkinPeace2 · 03/11/2012 18:52

Yellowtulips
at my gym its easy to do a class, do a workout, do another class, have a swim and a sauna, have a shower etc
and be there for a chunk of the day
sad but easy

the issue with the OP is that her DH is using the gym as a method to avoid being in the house
and THAT is the issue

he wont give up the beer and the takeaways
Sorry?
Do you not have family meals together in the evening?
Or at least you feed the kids and then have something with him later?

I'm confused.

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