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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed of with dh and his gym time...

92 replies

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:40

Dh has started going to the gym in the past couple of months and has been going 3/4 times a week-usually for a couple of hours after work.

I am a sahm and the only time I get to myself is when I go swimning once a week.

Dh has now started to go to the gym on a saturday or a sunday too.

Today I took dcs to their activity and then to the local church fair. When we came home dh said he was going to the gym and was gone for 4 hours!

He took the car and I didnt have any cash so was stuck in all day with dcs going stir crazy.

AIBU to want to rip his fucking head off?....

OP posts:

garlicbaguette · 03/11/2012 19:38

I've known quite a few men who spent ages in the gym, but never seemed to be getting more toned. After a bit of devious questioning, it turned out that they simply hung out there, maybe going for a bit of a swim or a bit of a bike but chiefly drinking coffee, reading the papers and chatting with folks. One or two of them were, I'd say, avoiding home just like the guys in the pub or putting in extra office hours.

QuanticoVirginia · 03/11/2012 19:39

My partner is training for a triathlon and he spends 3/4 hours at the gym on a Saturday or Sunday. He does three full sessions of running, swimming and cycling plus may then go in the sauna or jacuzzi to wind down so not sure what all this incredulity is about 4 hours is about???

He is also not particularly svelte (he eats crap and lots of it!!) but I do know he's there as I'm quite often 'on call' when he's there and there's been a couple of times when I've had to drop the kids off at the gym if I've been called out.

suburbophobe · 03/11/2012 19:40

What's his excuse? And why are you putting up with this terrible behaviour of his? Leaving you to cope with everything.

To me he sounds like he has checked out.

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 19:46

Because quantico the op didn't say " my DH is training for a triathalon and spends three or four hours twice a week doing it". I actually checked into the thread prepared to say YAbu let him have his gym time Till I read what she had to say.

When my DH was preparing for fights, he would often spend three or four hours training. But those really are extreme levels of training and no one I know sustains them except when training for a specific purpose with an end in sight.

mutny · 03/11/2012 20:00

What rhonda said also.

He is also not particularly svelte (he eats crap and lots of it!!) but I do know he's there really? He may be there but I would be questioning the training. He is going to find the triathlon hard. There is a reason tri athletes are generally 'svelte'. I am only saying this out of concern to your dh.

mutny · 03/11/2012 20:03

Also how many extremely overweight (according to the op) are training for a triathlon in the near future. Any personal trainer or doctor would advise against that.

mantlepiece · 03/11/2012 20:04

Reading between the lines... you say he is very overweight, have you "suggested" he needs to lose weight?

I think he is throwing a strop because he really does not want to go to the gym but feels under pressure to do so. He is trying to sabotage, so you will say he is spending too much time there and it has to stop!

Wooo he can go back to slobbing in front of x box with takeaway.

mutny · 03/11/2012 20:09

He is trying to sabotage, so you will say he is spending too much time there and it has to stop!

thats a possibility i had not thought of.

Why did he start going?

QuanticoVirginia · 03/11/2012 20:32

Rhonda mutny I know the OP didn't mention that her husband was training for something in particular I was commenting on all the people claiming that it was 'impossible' he was actually spending all that time at the gym and insinuating he was up to no good elsewhere.

He trains at places other than the gym. He cycles to and from work every day a 30 mile round trip and does half marathons. Having trained for half marathons he wanted a new goal and particularly enjoys cycling and swimming so he has been training with other triathletes and taking advice from them. I am much more concerned that he has been recently diagnosed with a heart condition and am unhappy with the amount he is pushing himself training. However according to him the Dr said his training was the only thing 'keeping him alive'. he doesn't really have the body shape to be svelte and I suspect if he did stop training he'd be obese.

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 20:53

Ok quantico my comments were based on her saying he's only started going recently(it takes a while to be able to do four hours of training) and about his weight later on. I am firmly convinced he is not at the gym working out for four hours because of the info she gave and didn't give - not that it is impossible to do so.

You must be worried sick bout your DH, the good thing is though that they are aware of his heart condition so will keep an eye on it and he can tell the gym staff and organisers of events so they will be extra vigilant with him.

He may not be svelte but id bet he's not in that bad shape from what you have said! The diet bit is the hardest - it'd where I really struggle - butif you could get him to eat a bit better, it would be good for his heart AND I bet he would improve his times etc too

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 20:58

tbh dh has always been over weight.i was slim when we met but have put on about 4 stone over the years.now am 14/16. i prefer chunkier men but want dh to lose weight for his health.he has a huge beer belly.to some extent he also has a drink problem.went to aa a few years ago but never fully stopped.compared to a few years ago he is a lot better but still drinks too much.i am an enabler in that i couldnt bear him sober. i sound like a right bitch.

OP posts:

mutny · 03/11/2012 21:07

Honestly OP, why are you with him. You enabled someone with a drink problem because you couldn't live with them sober? thats an awful thing to do?

Do we know how much the OPs dh has lost yet?

dollyxdaydreamer · 03/11/2012 21:59

he doesnt get home until 7.30/8 and now with going to the gym its even later.

Does he get home after the kids have gone to bed? And if this is the case, is this intentional?

If the answer to that is yes, it sounds to me like it's an avoidance tactic. Children can be bloody hard work. Much easier to get in from work after they're all safely tucked up in bed and the house is nice and quiet. Loads of men I have worked with do this, dress it up as working late, just to get out of bedtime duties. Definitely not fair!

I could be wrong here. But tbo it doesn't sound like he's enjoying family life much and that needs to be addressed, whatever the reason.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 22:12

This man has no respect for you, nor does he seem to understand that you are a person equal to him in this relationship or life in general.

He sounds (as I feel towards a lot of these men on threads like this) like a despicable example of a father and a husband.

OP, I beg of you to consider whether you are truly happy and whether you feel like an equal partner on this relationship and, if not, you owe it to yourself and your children to do something about it.

garlicbaguette · 03/11/2012 23:02

i am an enabler in that i couldnt bear him sober. i sound like a right bitch.

Am I reading this right, you facilitated his drinking because he was so horrible without it? Blimey. I am now thinking he really knows how to get his own way and doesn't care who he has to hurt to get it! You haven't sounded like a bitch mean-minded person at all on your thread, not a bit of it. Does somebody tell you you're bitchy, is that why you keep saying it?

I'm afraid I agree, your H has checked out of his marriage and family, if he was ever checked in that is. Can you say what you really get out of this marriage? How often do you really feel like a team; like you click?

WilsonFrickett · 03/11/2012 23:50

i am an enabler in that i couldnt bear him sober. i sound like a right bitch.

I think that is truly one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. I just don't understand why the two of you are together, to be honest and up to now my sympathies had been with you OP. Maybe if you guys called it a day he'd find someone who could bear him sober...

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 04/11/2012 10:04

Hello there
Op would you like us to move this thread to our relationships topic?
Thanks

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