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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed of with dh and his gym time...

92 replies

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 17:40

Dh has started going to the gym in the past couple of months and has been going 3/4 times a week-usually for a couple of hours after work.

I am a sahm and the only time I get to myself is when I go swimning once a week.

Dh has now started to go to the gym on a saturday or a sunday too.

Today I took dcs to their activity and then to the local church fair. When we came home dh said he was going to the gym and was gone for 4 hours!

He took the car and I didnt have any cash so was stuck in all day with dcs going stir crazy.

AIBU to want to rip his fucking head off?....

OP posts:

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 18:53

I'd tackle it by the next time he is heading for teh gym, pulling out my trainers and saying ooh good I can't wait, so where are we taking the dc while we train???

(I am not known for being shy and retiring though)

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:54

Durring the week I cook proper home cooked meals-cs and I eat together and then dh has his later-he doesnt get home until 7.30/8 and now with going to the gym its even later.

On a saturday I make the dcs and I a pizza but dh insists on getting a takeaway and having a few/lots of beer...

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 03/11/2012 18:57

Why dont you.both have a take away together, after the dcs have gone to bed?

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:58

Honestly NOT an affair-I know he has been going to the gym as one of the dcs acitvities is in the same place and he drops him off first. Plus and I know this is going to sound horrible but I dont think anyone else would be interested-he really is VERY over weight.

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 03/11/2012 18:58

You need to get this money issue sorted asap.

It's demeaning to have to ask him for cash. What would you do in an emergency? And being down to your final pennies after a church fete is just awful.

A marriage is a partnership...sounds like you are living in a bloody dictatorship. He controls the cash, the car, how you can spend your time....

Sorry, but there is no way on this planet I would put up with this.

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 18:59

We used too have a takeaway but I want to stop eating so much crap plus we cant really afford it-dh refuses to give it up though I dont want to spend time with him as I have so much anger/resentment towards him....

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 03/11/2012 19:01

TalkinPeace - I admire your dedication . 30 mins on the Cross trainer and I am done!

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 19:03

The thing is he just does not get that the money he earns is actually "our" money and not "his"-and that the fact that I do all the childcare actually benefits our family-and I just cant ever imagine him conceding that...

OP posts:

ethelb · 03/11/2012 19:05

yanbu my DP's Dad did this and he is still resentful that his father did this in order to get out of looking after him and his brother. My MIL brings it up now. 25 YEARS LATER.

It's a horrible thing to do to your children, and you of course.

MsVestibule · 03/11/2012 19:06

Just out of interest, are you the person who asked a few weeks ago if other SAHMs considered their husband to be their boss? Or perhaps that was some other poor SAHM .

I'm a SAHM, have full access to our joint bank account and equal "spends" to my DH, which is exactly how a full time WOHP/SAHP financial relationship should work. TBH, he does take the piss a bit with regard to his golf and nights out, but appreciates my contribution to our family and spends the vast majority of his spare time fully engaged in family life. As you know, this is exactly how it should be.

Apart from him paying the bills, what do you get out of your marriage?

YellowTulips · 03/11/2012 19:09

Sorry, but this just keeps getting worse. Being very blunt your DH sounds like a selfish, controling, lazy, fat asshole.

Does he have any positive qualities at all?

Original poster

Pinkforever · 03/11/2012 19:10

No that wasnt me. I am making him sound like some sort of a bully and tbh I dont think its as black and white as that...

As I said I actually go out socially more than him. I save up cash so that I can do this and I always careful with money-shop a lot in charity shops etc.

If you asked him his side of the story he would say that he works very hard.long hours in a very stressful job and pays all the bills-all true. But he would never concede that he is enabled to do this by the fact I stay at home with the dcs.

OP posts:

mutny · 03/11/2012 19:15

OP I don't think its an affair. The reason being that at my gym there are several men who spend a large portion of their day.
Mostly retired. When I go in a 6.30am they are there and when I go in at 9.15, they are there. They spend about 4-5 hours. Bit of cardio bit of weights, swim sauna, something to eat.
generally they are not actually losing weight or getting fitter. Its a social thing. They are not putting effort in because that's not why they are there.
But these men don't have small children. They are older and all have grown up kids and can spend their days how they please. Assuming their wives are happy.
The problem is, is the your dh should be going to lose weight. And i think its an excuse to get away from the family and to control you.

I have asked twice, but you haven answered, how much weight has he lost in what time frame?

mutny · 03/11/2012 19:16

I am making him sound like some sort of a bully

No he is acting like a bully.

Ilovecake1 · 03/11/2012 19:18

4 hours at the gym? Really? As a fitness instructor I have never seen anybody spend 4 hours in the gym! Could he be going somewhere for 3 hrs and then gym for 1 hr?

WilsonFrickett · 03/11/2012 19:22

You're not making him sound like a bully. He is a bully. Belittling someone's contribution is belittling. Asking someone ask for money is bullying.

WilsonFrickett · 03/11/2012 19:23

making someone ask for money.

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 19:25

Ok pink so you are sure he is at the gym, however he is not losing weight and he is spending far more time there than my DH( a PT) and Ilove (a fitness instructor) recommend for anyone, without results.

Can you approach this from a different angle.

"I know how hard you are working, here is some advice I found on how you can speed up your workouts and get more returns from them"

Though it's 20 percent training and 80 percent diet and his diet sounds awful so he won't get good returns (and yes I am aware the gym isn't the actual issue but sometimes it helps to address small things bit by bit).

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 19:27

Another question pink - sorry. My gym doesn't have a pool, sauna or cafe, so people don't spend four hours there. You said its a council gym so I assume it's attached to a pool, but does he have access to the pool as part of his membership?

If so, can you all go swimming and he join you before or after his gym session? Ie you all go WITH him?

MsVestibule · 03/11/2012 19:28

Pink has said that she knows he's not having an affair, so why is it repeatedly being suggested?

I'm not sure whether she's pleased about that or not, though... I think in her shoes, I'd be quite pleased to have a 'proper' reason to kick him out. Not being flippant Pink, I really feel for you and can only imagine how frustrated/unhappy you must be.

mutny · 03/11/2012 19:29

rhonda is spot on. You can't out train a shit diet. This is the biggest mistake people make. Took me a long time to get my head round.

Direct home to a website called nerd fitness. Their blog about 'all calories are not creates equal is great'.

rhondajean · 03/11/2012 19:32

He could be doing other things apart from the gym or having an affair - just dodging out of the road and drinking coffee.

The gym is a convenient excuse for affairs but it could be a cover for something else too.

mutny · 03/11/2012 19:34

Oh and nerd fitness have an article called 'how not to suck at working out in the gym' is great. Because honestly if he is actually working out for 4 hours (which he isn't) he would be dropping weight.
you could always get clued up on fitness and training so he can't fob you off. Although tbh I don't see why you should have to force him to spend time with you.

itchywitchywoo · 03/11/2012 19:34

YANBU! The trouble is I find that often the mother's first priority tends to be the children and with Dads it tends to be their own leisure pursuits. Its not that they don't help when they are there but they just think nothing of being away from their kids to do their own thing. I know that i feel horrible guilty if i spend time at the weekend away from the kids. Thats why i never feel i get to do anything anymore.

MsVestibule · 03/11/2012 19:35

Rhonda, you're right - I was just assuming they were suggesting an affair!

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