I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?
AIBU?
to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!
chubbymummy · 28/10/2012 20:41
I cant believe your husbands attitude that it doesnt matter who knows, its a private thing between you 2, and you 2 only. as someone else has said i'd never be in the same room as the woman again but id certainly make sure she knew why.
Mine did exactly the same to me when i mc'd, so your mil sounds just like mine, gob as big as the space in her head! sorry for your loss op 
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So sorry for your loss 
it's such an awful and difficult time.
But....... (and I appreciate that I'm a lone voice here).... a miscarriage is a bereavement, and it also affects the wider family. Clearly not as much as the parents, but it is difficult for a mother to see her son or daughter in deep grief and sometime those people who would have been grandparents also seek the support of their friends or family. Maybe they too had a miscarriage - in the days when it wasn't spoken about, maybe they too are grieving.
Personally, I've never seen my own Mum more sad and helpless than when I had a miscarriage. But it was a grief that we shared as a family - we were all affected - potential siblings, potential aunts, potential grandparents, potential aunties and uncles.
I can see from your posts that your MIL does not seem to be sensitive or empathetic, so the easiest thing would have been not to tell her. I see that and I understand your anger.
But for others, please don't automatically exclude the rest of your family from your grief and sadness. For me it helped that others could know and remember (a year later), and support us.
So sorry for your loss
Yes of course it is up to you. MC (and especially MMC) is thoroughly shit and you deal with it in whatever way you can. If that means you tell the world, then if that's what works for you, that's fine. If you want to keep it quiet, you do that. The important thing is to look after yourselves 
YA so NBU. My MIL didn't tell anyone about our MMC (that I know of, but I can't be sure) but she did make some incredibly insensitive hurtful comments at the time, which meant that next time around we didn't even tell her til we'd had 2 good scans.
You were very clear that this was private and that you didn't want anyone to know, and she has directly disregarded it. Your DH needs to step up and deal with this. My MIL made an insensitive comment about my current pg (asked me if the baby was still alive, FFS! 
) and I really am trying to get DH to explain to her that that kind of comment is just not on!
Hope you have other support around you and that you and your DH are able to come through this very sad time.
YANBU. I've recently had 2nd MC and been a bit 
about the number of people who seem to have heard about it secondhand. Some people just love the drama of being the bearer of bad news. I'm really sorry you are going through this, the last thing you need is people crowding into your grief.
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