to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!

[chubbymummy]

I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?

[hzgreen]

YANBU, what an awful situation for you. MiL should have respected your wishes after all this is happening to you and NOT her.

i can understand why you don't want to see/talk to her, i think if it were me i would give her such a flaming we'd never speak again and that kind of conversation is best left for when you're feeling a bit calmer. i hear what you're saying about you ending up looking like the bitch though :/

when i had my MMC's i found it so hard to talk to people about because i just ended up making them feel ok which made things worse for me, i totally understand why you wanted to deal with this in your own way. i would alos find it invasive to have people phone up out of the blue to offer their condolences, kind though their intentions are it can leave you feeling blindsided and raw.

i would also suggest counselling if you feel open to it, this is such a difficult time for you and it seems that a lot of attention is on MiL and her big mouth lack of self control rather than on your feelings of loss and grief.

xxx

[lottiegarbanzo]

If your DH is so concerned about his mother's feelings, why the hell did he put her in the position she currently occupies?

He alone has created a situation in which she has done permenant damage to her relationship with you, risks reaping the immediate consequences of that and becoming very upset and may well have a more limited relationship with you in future.

Could you ask him to explain how that is helpful to her? How could it possibly not have been better to tell her nothing now (a summary much later if necessary), so protect her from her damaging behaviour and it's consequences?

[Sparklingbroomstick]

It makes me angry when family members get away with this sort of thing and people say 'you know what she's like'. But if I did it there would be uproar. And everyone is walking on eggshells around them.

Hope you are ok this morning chubby. x

[soorploom]

yanbu and sorry for all your loss
screen your phone calls-you don't have to deal with all and sundry
have some you and dh time

[Tailtwister]

YANBU, it's not her information to spread around, especially when she was specifically asked not to. Something similar happened to us and it was devastating to know that the person concerned (also MIL) couldn't be trusted over something so personal. I found out she discussed it with other family members when I was confronted outside a restaurant by her sister who said 'I hope you don't mind X telling me, she was so upset and needed to talk about it'! Yes, I did mind and won't ever forgive her for it. Some people just can't keep their mouths shut.

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.

[Icelollycraving]

Hope you are taking care of yourself op x

[freddiefrog]

YANBU and I am sorry for your loss.

My MiL did something similar, we lost a baby at 30 weeks pg and I was rushed into hospital. I had tried to contact my mum to have DD1 but couldn't get hold of her so we rang MiL. Within minutes of getting home with DD1, she'd rang round all her friends. I've never really forgiven her for that

Take care of yourself

[Sparklingbroomstick]

oh freddie that's horrible.

[PeshwariNaan]

Chubbymummy, YANBU.

I'm so glad you bollocked your husband. He is being shockingly insensitive to you. He needs to respect your relationship privacy a bit more, especially given your history and the stress this is putting on both of you.

[chubbymummy]

DH text me earlier. He rang his Mum from work today. She made excuses as to why she had to tell certain people (not one of them was a valid reason), denied telling anybody else then started playing the victim card and finished with "Don't tell me anything in future then if that's how you feel!" - Don't fucking worry love WE WON'T!!!
DH has told her that she needs to ring me to apologise, I'm still waiting!

[Sparklingbroomstick]

I think she's got it in one chubby. And it alll happened exactly as you said it would.

Do you really want to speak to her at the moment though? Please don' t speak to her if there is the tiniest chance she will upset you any more. You really don't need any of this.

Have you got family that have been able to support you emotionally?

[incognitomama]

chubby How very very rude of your MIL and Dh clearly needs a kick up the bum but good for him telling MIL to apologise, I hope she does. I love that MIL tried to invent reasons as to why she 'had' to tell them!!! WTF!! Don't be sharing anything with that woman again unless you are happy for it to be broadcast! (((hugs))) and I hope you are having the support you need to come to terms with what this means for you.

[CaptainHoratioWragge]

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

If I was in your position I'd be angry with your MIL and DH in equal measure, and I'd also never tell her the MIL anything again. I would also inisit on that apology that you are supposed to be getting.

I've had 3 MC, the first one was at 5 months, so the world and his dog knew about it. I was astonished at the reaction of quite a few people who should have known better.

I agree with Messtins,
"Some people just love the drama of being the bearer of bad news"

My second and third PG have also ended in MC. Nobody knows about them, as I dont want random people enjoying my grief again. Its rotten. So sorry for you.

[chubbymummy]

No I don't want to speak to her, but if she rings I will hand her the spade while she digs the hole a little deeper.
I'll let her explain all the various reasons she had to tell people, then call her out on each one as none of them are necessary at all! I will ask her who exactly she has shared my private news with, ask if she has told certain other relatives (who I'm fairly sure she has but she denied it to DH). I will then tell her that I will be furious if I phone them to check and I find out that she has been lying to me.
If she even dares to play the victim she will find out just how angry I am as I'm not putting up with her crap anymore. She can go crying and complaining about me all she wants, I'm fairly sure that even her own family must know her well enough to be able to work out that she has created this situation all by herself!
If she wants a fight I'll give her one! Who wants to hold my coat?

[CSIJanner]

I will. And will also brush the dust off you from that big ol'can of whoopass she's got coming at her.

Am so sorry for your loss Chubby. It hurts like hell, and I still cry about mine. Big hugs xx

[PropertyNightmare]

YANBU, Op.

Bloody hell, your MIL is a fucking bitch. She would be estranged after doing that if she was mine. Seriously, I would really urge you to give serious thought to having noting to do with her ever again. She is beneath you and really does not deserve even a second of your time after treating you like worthless shit whose feelings mean nothing. I could not even contemplate a civil relationship with someone who thinks so very little of me.

I am so sorry for your loss. I really hope that cutting MIL out of your life gives you some tiny cause for cheer.

[chubbymummy]

Right, that's it! I'm totally done with her now!!!
She's just rang me to apologise (yeah right, an apology involves actually taking responsibility for the upset you've caused) and within seconds was telling me how much she does for us and how we don't appreciate it. She then said, and I quote "I would never go out of my way to upset you - unlike you who deliberately tries to upset me at times....." At this point I told her to piss off and hung up on her.
I'm so cross with myself now because I let her bait me, she'll now be able to tell everybody that I swore at her and she will get to play the victim. I lost my temper when she made out that I'm the one who causes all the trouble when I've spent the last 12 years biting my tongue and not responding to all the nasty little remarks and sly digs she makes. She's said some really nasty things to me over the years and I've put up with it to keep the peace for DH's sake. I think it has all just come to a head tonight and when she said that I swore at her before I had chance to think. DH isn't in at the moment but I know we're going to end up falling out when I tell him what I said. I don't need all this crap at the moment, this is making a really difficult time far worse than it was already. I feel like packing my bags and buggering off far away from anybody

[incognitomama]

oh that sounds horrific and sadly you're right, she'll use this to her advantage and the spotlight will be off her for being a fuckwit and on you for swearing at her! ouch! You really really don't need this, can you take a brake? Any family or close friends you can just go to for a few days?

[Chasedbyzombiebees]

I think you were quite restrained OP How dare she play the victim?

[Teeb]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this right now, they are behaving appallingly at the worst possible time.

Are there any family/friends you can go to retreat to for a few days or so? Just for you to rest and be taken care of or given some space for a little while. the last thing you need is your husband and his family creating drama. I really hope there is someone close to you for real life support now, even if it's just a cup of tea and hugs.

[mummywithnosleep]

Chubby

If your DP says anything other than I am sorry my mother was such a totally cow to you, then he is less of a man than I thought.

Don´t worry a jot, play her at her own game! If anyone DARES to say anything burst into tears and be the victim you truely are.

I HATE people like your MIL, they are manipulative cowards, how cause great pain, because (wait for it is good)...

They enjoy hurting people and spreading bad news to get attention and sympathy.

So you told her to piss off. So what, she hurt you greatly and then justified it by attacking you further. Thats rubbing salt in the wound of a person already so badly hurt they don´t know how to keep breathing.

She is NOT worth anything, and if DP does not man it up, then I´m afraid it sounds like the apple does not fall far from the tree.

I love my DP, and we did have a MIL like yours. The difference was it was HIM that told her to PISS OFF and hung up, when she did said something similar about me. that was 8 years ago and we have not spoken to her since, she has screamed, spatt at me, ordered me out of my own home (she got told where to go), all sorts since, BUT try as she might we are still here together and happy.

Don´t worry sweetie, she deserved it.

Yes there where better arguements that you could have said to hear, but I don´t they would have been as elquent and susinct as that one.

Have a cuppy of your favourit drink, a few biccies, and wait for bomb to drop it is going to be one hell of a show from MIL, but you have put up with this for 12years, and tonight you stood up for yourself. She won´t like it, but you know you did the right thing.

HUGS

[HoratiaWinWOOHOOHOOHOOd]

Oh chubby - fuck them, frankly. They've met her before. And you forgive someone who is currently mc pretty much anything, so nobody worth having any kind of relationship with would hold it against you even if they did believe her.

I've been in a similar position and even though I get on well with MIL she has lost the right to be informed of our news before it is public knowledge.

Hope you are being kind to yourself. I think you did well listening to her at all. I think I would have been screening my calls in the circumstances.

[Figgygal]

What she did was bad enough but after what she just did on the phone I would never have anything to do with her again.... What a bitch,.... u poor thing!!

[AWomanCalledHorse]

Chubby, you were restrained, cannot believe she's still playing the victim.

If you had a friend like her you would've dumped her a long time ago, so well done for putting up with her for so long.

I hope DH understands & you're not in for a row with him tonight.

Have you got anywhere you can stay for a few days away from it all?
Falling that, a trashy magazine, box of chocs & glass of wine you can take to bed with you?