to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!

[chubbymummy]

I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?

[chubbymummy]

Thanks everybody, your kind words made me cry.
To be honest Mil is very attention seeking and loves a good bit of drama. She has never been one to let the truth get in the way of a good story either! She's manipulative and can turn on the tears at the drop of a hat. She has a knack of turning things round to make herself look like the victim (which is why I haven't said anything to her .... Yet!). I think DH is trying to keep the peace and give me time to cool down because he knows the pattern this will take.
If I tell mil she has upset me she will turn on the tears, say she was only trying to help and was telling people so that we didn't have to. She will say that she didn't know that we wanted to keep it quiet (despite me telling her) and she will then phone all the relatives back, crying, to say that I have had a go at her and she thought she'd been doing the right thing, was only trying to help etc. By the time she has finished I will be the one that is a bitch and everyone will feel sorry for her (except bil's girlfriend who will see straight through her crocodile tears).

[ISpyPumpkinPie]

YANB at all U - so sorry for your loss

[Sparklingbroomstick]

Oh chubby I know someone just like that. How annoying. 'Trying to help' my arse.

[deleted203]

If you know the route your MIL will take (and it sounds like you do) then my advice would be NOT to say anything to her at all.....simple keep saying to DH 'I will not visit your mother, and I will not speak to her'. Don't give her the opportunity to turn on the tears and make her excuses to you. If she phones all the relatives up saying you are refusing to talk to her, then that is up to her. If any of them mention it to you at a future point I would simply say, 'I'm not prepared to discuss this' and change the subject. It's no one else's business. You have every right to drop someone this hurtful from your life. Tell DH that if he wants to visit his parents he must go without you in future and that they are no longer welcome in your home.

[DontmindifIdo]

does your DH get it? have you explained the above to him? I would make it clear she knows nothing in the future that you haven't decided to make public knowledge. She can't be trusted with sensitive information, so she can't be told.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

YANBU.

((((hugs))))

[catsmother]

YA most definitely NBU and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Which of course is made much worse when you also have to deal with the stress of being betrayed (that is how I'd feel about it) by someone who should be close enough to you to respect your wishes for privacy. I'm afraid I would also feel very very hurt by DH's assertion that it's "all over" and therefore her big mouth "doesn't matter". If it didn't matter, you wouldn't be feeling so upset would you and that isn't his call to make ..... he may personally feel it's "over" and he's entitled to his feelings, but he can't impose those on you and has absolutely no right to decide on your behalf if his mother's lack of discretion matters or not. I agree that she should be unequivocally told that her behaviour is completely unacceptable - there is no excuse for it at all. I also agree it should be DH who tells her this and NOT by saying that you - as in, only you - are upset. He should, at a time like this, be totally supportive of your feelings and be readily supportive of you. I really really hope that he mans up, recognises that his comments were thoughtless and gives his mother a rocket. And I also hope that she offers you a sincere apology afterwards, because she realises she's been out of order, and not because she's been told that's what she should do ..... though of course this can't undo the damage done. Miscarriage is so intensely personal and it's entirely up to you who you discuss it with.

I certainly wouldn't want to spend any time with her anytime soon. I wouldn't have a clue right now when I ever or if I ever would, and you shouldn't feel pressured to comment on that.

Having said all that, I've had 4 miscarriages and my MIL has been told about all of them. She never told anyone to my knowledge, but neither has she ever said a word to me - such as any expression of sympathy or enquiry about my health. Which is nice. Having told all and sundry I hope that yours has at least conveyed some sympathy to you. If she hasn't then that seems to me somehow worse ..... that what's happened is an opportunity for gossip whereas you'd hope her first reaction would be concern.

[catsmother]

X-posted. Doesn't sound as if you're likely to get an apology any time soon.

[fluffyraggies]

I wouldn't say anything to her if it will just add grist to the mill as the old saying goes. Explain to your DH how hurt you are and how you're going to need a good while to get over what she has done.

He should be the one to be telling her i recon, anyway.

for you and ((hugs)) I'm so sorry. She's made an awful time even worse for you. Cow!

[YouSeveredHead]

I'm so sorry about your babies.

She is not worth the headspace.

[Springforward]

YANBU at all. So sorry for your loss. I wouldn't spend the weekend with her either, it's perfectly reasonable to let yourself grieve before dealing with her IMHO. FWIW I wouldn't take the calls from others, either.

Not quite the same I know, but years ago I lost someone very close to me and my DM told pretty much the whole world as far as I can tell, in totally inappropriate detail, and I was livid with her for gatecrashing my grief for her own gossipy ends. I did forgive her eventually, but sadly I was a lot more careful about what I told her in future as it was such an unpleasant experience which I had wanted to deal with privately.

[AdoraBell]

YANBU

You are perfectly entitled to feel angry about this. I'm very sorry for your loss

[NathanDetroit]

So sorry for what you've been through, it's such a painful and difficult time and this is really the very last thing you need.

When I was off work after molar pregnancy I had all sorts of people emailing/texting me clearly trying to find out what had happened but it was None Of Their Bloody Business. Plenty of people in my family don't even know it happened and I'm quite happy with that.

I'd just ignore her completely, don't feed the drama. Completely different situation but after I was ill my DP's family ignored us, at a time when he could have done with some emotional support and our relationship is still suffering now. I have no intention of ever seeing them again unless he expressly asks me. I have no problem with that at all.

Take care of you OP, much love xxx

[deleted203]

Agree with catsmother almost entirely - she put it better than I did.

[chubbymummy]

I have made it very clear to DH that this is EXACTLY the reason I refused to tell her that I was pregnant in the first place. DH knows what she's like but he will bend over backwards to avoid confrontation with her. She has mental health problems (un-diagnosed but obvious to anyone who has spent any time with her) and threatens suicide whenever things don't go her way. DH is terrified that she might actually do it (I'm confident she won't!).

[WandaDoff]

YANBU at all.

I'm so sorry OP

[fluffypillow]

YANBU at all. Downright cruel and insensitive of her. So sorry for your loss, take care of yourself, x

[WineGless]

YANBU and am so sorry for your loss.

In future I would minimize contact with her -- so you don't stab her with a knitting needle in the eye-

Does Dh have anything to say?

[chubbymummy]

I've just told DH that The Mumsnet Jury say I'm not being unreasonable at all and you all think he needs to Man up and stop being such a mummy's boy (okay, my words not yours - but close enough).

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

I am so sorry to hear about your MM, especially given it's taken you a long time to get pregnant and you feel it was your last chance, that's a hell of a lot to come to terms with :(

You have shown great restraint, I would have called her up and taken out all of my anger out on her - maybe not fair, but tough shit. The stupid, mad, ignorant cow - pure bloody evil. This is your business, your grief, your loss - NOT hers. Not her business to share. Bitch. So very angry on your behalf, how dare she make this even worse for you.

Your DH sounds like he could do with a good talking to as well, he doesn't sound as though he has any idea what this means to you or how you feel :(

Big Hugs
x

[bessie26]

YANBU - so sorry for your loss - take care of yourself

[MadameCreeper]

Yanbu

Sorry for your loss.

[thebody]

Unbelievably crass and insensitive of your mil.

So very sorry op xxxx

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

I couldn't have put it better myself.

What did he say?

[DoMeDon]

You sound very angry towards your MIL and, while she may deserve it, I would really urge you to look at it differently. Don't waste your emotions on her, focus on you. The anger part of grief can take you places you wish you never went. You say she is mentally ill. You say she is an attention seeker. It sounds like she has a raft of issues to me. While you don;t have to tolerate them, now is probably not the time to let them get to you. Focus all your energy on you, then DH, but definitely not MIL.