to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!

[chubbymummy]

I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?

[thecatsminion]

You both probably just don't want to give her any headspace, but I think your DH should either tell her to back off directly or tell her family exactly what went on. I don't think just letting her ride roughshod over you was an option. Even if you had just straight out lost your temper and sworn at her I think that would have been understandable. And I still don't understand why he said anything to her in the first place!

And, anyway, sometimes it hurts so much that you just can't hold it all back. I really hope you're ok.

My standard immediate coping mechanism for a loss or a failed cycle was to go out and have a really drunken dinner. Or get a takeaway with lots of wine, if going out wasn't an option. Later on we'd go away - I like planning holidays and it gave me something to look forward to. We'd also do something to mark the loss - once I bought a star and another time I planted a flower where I used to go camping as a child. I hope you find your own path through what you've been through.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Sorry that your DH wasn't more supportive. Frankly, IMO, he needs to man up and get his mother told and if that means phoning up some other people and putting them straight then so be it. Allowing her to treat you like this so as not to disturb the peace is bloody mental and so disrespectful to you and to your relationship. I really don't understand how you can be OK with it :(

[whizmum]

DH told his mum when I went into hospital for a D&C for a missed miscarriage. We hadn't told them about the pregnancy, and I was bleeding most of the time anyway.

I was very surprised when my MIL rang and gave me his cousin's opinions (she worked in a hospital) of why there was actually no foetus found. He had obviously been giving her a running commentary, which went all around the family!

Still, it was kindly meant (although at the time I did not know his cousin at all well and was very wary of her!)

TBH, it does not really matter now as they are all either dead, or I know them all a lot better (and know a lot about them all too!). They tend to be very open.

(I have only discussed my menopause problems with my sister though)

[whizmum]

PS

Kind thoughts and

[lottiegarbanzo]

Glad you and your DH are working through his together. He does need to take responsibility for telling her in he first place though. He knew how she is and chose to cause her a lot of upset, as well as opportunity to upset you, thus being further upset herself. That was a really poor choice, for her sake as well as yours. I hope he learns from this and gets better at managing her in your best interests (but actually hers too).