to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!

[chubbymummy]

I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?

[KittyBump]

No, YANBU. As you say a mc is extremely personal, and yes your DH has lost a baby too but it will never be personal to him in the same way - how would he like your extended family to be discussing the workings of his body?
You specifically asked for no-one else to be told and, at a time when you are at your most vulnerable, this has been totally disregarded. I would be furious.

[WelshMaenad]

flowers fail

[SirBoobAlot]

No you are not being unreasonable. I am so sorry for your loss.

Don't go and see her. You don't need that shit right now.

[BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems]

Yanbu. You want to grieve in private.
You have a right to do that and your choice should be respected.
So sorry for your loss x

[Iggly]

YANBU OP
Sorry to hear that happened :(

[PoppyAmex]

YANBU

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Make sure you look after yourself.

[Sparklingbroomstick]

Have your side of the family been supportive chubby?

[NosFarlotu]

YADNBU. So sorry, OP.

[GhostShip]

I am so so so sorry.

You or your DP needs to have words with her to make it clear that this is not acceptable in the slightest. How dare she.

[Cahoots]

. I am sorry that this has happened to you.
I would also be absolutely livid and YANBU, not even a tiny little bit. I would ask your DH to call her and bollock explain why you and your DH are angry with her.
Are you absolutely sure your DH hasn't given her conflicting information?
I think what she has done is very unkind and really unkind.
That said, try not to dwell on it too much.

[Icelollycraving]

Yanbu at all. So very sorry for your loss.
I know it seems your dh is being not being supportive over his mum. I assume she is a competitive griever iyswim.
Very sorry to hear this was your last chance :(

[McHappyPants2012]

Yanbu of course it matters who knows, it is a very private time so sorry your miscarriage (hugs)

Does your DH turn to his mum for support, because if he does it makes what your mil done even worse xxxx

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

Call her, tell her, cry.

She needs to understand the hurt she has caused you. This isn't idle gossip- this is your baby's life. It's sick to behave in the way she has ESPECIALLY when you've asked her not to.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Cahoots]

Sorry my post is a bit garbled..... .

[Molehillmountain]

Yanbu. When we had our miscarriages I wanted pretty much no one to know. I wanted the right to think about it when I thought about it and not when someone else raised it and also I wanted people to talk normally around me and not speak in hushed tones when babies came into conversation. Not on this, but in something else equally private, my mother saw fit to share our information with all her friends. I can't trust her again. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[CommanderShepard]

YANBU YANBU YANBU!

I am so very sorry for your loss.

While I cannot begin to pretend to know what you are going through I can sympathise with having a mother in law who does that sort of thing. At her birthday party every bloody person knew the ins and outs of my daughter's birth. Funnily enough I didn't want to discuss the finer details of birth trauma with people I'd never met but whom MIL decided to tell. WTF!

I wish you comfort; look after yourself x

[deleted203]

YADNBU...really, really sorry to hear of your loss. And I would be fucking furious too. I would be telling DH that this was the final straw for me and that I had no intention of ever being civil to his mother again (or having any contact with her) until she (and he) could appreciate what a massive betrayal of trust this was and how she needed to have a serious think about her actions. Sounds to me like her love of gossip means she can't appreciate what a devastating situation this is for you. She is a HUGELY selfish cow IMO. Please take the time to grieve and look after yourself. This is not something you will 'get over' quickly.

[DontmindifIdo]

YANBU - I also have a mother who can't keep her mouth shut and at my nana's recent funeral I had to have random relatives I've not met for years telling me how sorry they were to hear about me losing that baby. Wasn't expecting it and found it hard.

I'm currently pregnant again, we've taken the decision to not tell my parents until after the scan. That way I can be certain who will and who won't know.

[skyebluezombie]

YANBU - a close friend had the same issue with her mother telling all and sundry that she had 3 miscarriages, when she had asked her not to tell anybody.... it caused a huge rift between them :(

So sorry for your loss xx

[HeadlessForHalloween]

Sorry for your loss x. YANBU, nobody knew about your pregnancy, so they didn't need to know about the mc unless you decided otherwise. I would be very cross with her.

[Nanny0gg]

So sorry for your loss.
YANBU.
Seems to me that she is one of those people that loves other people's dramas and has to be part of them.

Your DH needs to be backing you up and having words with his mother.

[DoMeDon]

Sorry for your loss OP. I would be hurt too in your situation. It may be hard but it would probably be better for you, if you can step away from this until you are emotionally stronger. Like you say, you are grieving, IMO that alters your perception of things and magnifies them. Be kind to yourself and try to put aside all else.

Your DH is grieving too and he wanted to tell his DM (despite her inability to be discreet/sensitive). It must be difficult for him too. He obviously wants her to know but doesn't get the kind of support he deserves. Sadly she has lost the chance of a DGC too and maybe she just cannot cope without talking. Try to see it as their inability to cope, it may feel 'less'.

[irrationalfears]

YANBU, its private and you need time to grieve not have to talk to others about it for heavens sake. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

[EricNorthmanIsMyMaker]

You are Vdefinitely NBU. I'd ring her & give her both barrels. And would not be spending anytime with her this side of the next millennium!
So sorry for your loss & that you've had it made so much harder to deal with by your mil.