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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that 11 years old boy should not be in a female changing room?

323 replies

superpushymum · 28/10/2012 16:09

Last night I went to a hotel swimming pool. After the swim I was taking a shower in the female changing room. I left the towel on the hook nearby.

When I got out, there was (what I thought) a teenage boy literally staring at me. The towel was out of reach, so I had to run back into cubicle and squeeze myself into my dirty bathing suit.

I don't like confrontation, so I just went out to reception and asked the pool attendant to speak to the mother of the boy. She was also shocked and asked the family to move to the family changing room.

After she left, the mother started to shout that everybody is mad in this hotel and she is not going anywhere.

At the end I had approached her myself and asked her to take the boy out. She told me she can't understand a word of what I am saying (I am foreign and got a slight accent), so I completely lost it by that point and called the assistant again. The boy's mother started saying that her son is 'only' eleven and I should stop being ridiculous and just get on with it. At that stage she also removed her clothes infront of her son and changed into the bathing suit.

I told her I just can't undress infront of him, she got into a strop and told her kids 'come on, let's go to another changing room, this nasty woman does not want you here'.

Was I am unreasonable, or maybe it's a cultural difference, and it's ok in UK to have 11 year olds in the changing rooms? If it was 11 year old girl in a male changing room, would it still be ok?

OP posts:
cantspel · 29/10/2012 11:02

Would those who take a 10 year old boy into a woman's changing room also allow their 10 year old girl to go in the mens?

All children baring SN should be quite capable of using their own sexes changing room.

cantspel · 29/10/2012 11:03

should read

All children of 8 and over baring SN should be quite capable of using their own sexes changing room.

Nancyclancy · 29/10/2012 11:08

I don't think 11 yr old boys should be in a female changing room. I wouldn't take my 8 yr old ds in either. But I can't help feel sorry for this poor kid.

TeaBrick · 29/10/2012 11:09

At our local pools all the changing rooms are mixed and cubicles only. There are large cubicles available for families. It works very well.

Aspiemum2 · 29/10/2012 11:16

Oh lord, ds is 11 and judging by the way he leafs through the underwear section of catalogues I would say it is far too old to be in a ladies changing room!

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 11:17

YANBU

I would not allow my 11 year old DD into the men's changing room, and wouldn't expect to find an 11 year old boy in the ladies'.

My 7 and 11 year olds are perfectly capable of changing themselves, they've been doing it for PE and school swimming lessons for years, although our pool changing rooms don't separate sexes, it's one big communal area with lots of cubicles

YerMaw1989 · 29/10/2012 12:15

I first thought does he have SN.

She sounded rude but maybe she couldn't understand you? what is a slight accent to you could be very hard for someone else to understand I know that has no relevance , but not really a reason to go mad.

But it does sound odd I can't imagine he felt comfortable in there if there is no SN.

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 12:20

But even if he did have SN, what was wrong with using the family changing room?

YerMaw1989 · 29/10/2012 12:24

was there a family one?

Everlong · 29/10/2012 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 12:31

YerMaw. In the op it says the pool attendant asked them to use the family changing room

5Foot5 · 29/10/2012 13:31

YANBU - it is quite ridiculous to think an 11yo needs to be with his Mum to get changed. In fact I would say 11yo is too old for the family changing room too.

When DD was small we took her to swimming lessons at a local pool. When I took her then obviously we used the ladies changing room where boys up to 6 ( I think) were also allowed in. When DH took her he used the family changing room which was supposedly for families with children up to the age of 8.

There was a brother and sister who had their lessons at the same time - the boy was quite young, probably under 8, but the girl was about 13. On one occasion DH went in there with DD and was quite uncomfortable and embarassed to find that this girl was getting changed in there though fortunately she had just about finished when he got in. I assume their mother (who was sitting in the viewing area gassing with her friend) had sent the daughter to get changed with the brother so she didn't have to go keep an eye on hime. But it seemed wrong and unfair to put her teenage DD and any unsuspecting fathers in to such an awkward position.

Jusfloatingby · 29/10/2012 15:25

My nephew is 11 and my sister in law won't let him go into a male changing room on his own. While I can understand her concerns regarding safety I also don't think its fair on other females to have an 11 year old boy gawping at them while they're trying to get dressed and undressed.

I think all pools should have family changing facilities and all parents who want to remain with a child of the opposite sex should be obliged to use these.

bruffin · 29/10/2012 15:44

Our swimming pool has a womens, mens and 3 family and/or big enough for wheel chair changing rooms. One night came into the ladies with dd 12 to find a young couple with a baby using the female changing room. I told him to get out . Went outside and told the receptionist who sent someone in.
This was the same couple who thought it was ok to let their baby float in its seat with no one near it in the deep end.

Some people are just idiots!

OneMoreChap · 29/10/2012 15:59

Jusfloatingby your sis-in-law is very unreasonable, as you know. She - and DS - should be pitched out for that...

ToothbrushThief · 29/10/2012 16:05

This has just reminded me of taking DD to swimming lessons. A couple brought their DD and both came into the ladies. He sat and watched whilst all the little girls changed. Mum changed the DD.

I complained.

ravenAK · 29/10/2012 17:07

I have two DS (5 and 7 yo) where we go swimming, they will still come with me in the women's changing room when they turn 8, and probably up to 10 years old

The thing is, Nottigermum, if you were in the women's changing room with a 10 year old lad, I'd probably go & complain because, as you say, 'My children's safety is my responsibility and I am making the call. My decision. ' - & I wouldn't want my young dds embarrassed by a boy of that age in there.

If the rules of the establishment are: 'Over 8s use own sex changing rooms' then you can abide by them, make representations to them for family facilities, or not use that establishment.

I don't think it's reasonable to ignore the rules & just announce 'My decision'.

DameEnidsOrange · 29/10/2012 17:13

YWNBU - really unfair to assume that women and girls don't mind being gawped at by a pre-teen boy.

We stopped going to swimming lessons at our nearest (school) pool as DD didn't like getting changed in front of the other 8yo boys who also got changed in the female changing room. Can you imagine how much more excruciating that would be for a pre-teen girl, who may be coming to terms with her developing body / coping with periods to have an 11yo boy hanging around?

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 18:09

I agree with ravenAK

It's my call to take my 11 DD into her own sex changing room and expect her not to be confronted by 10 year old boys.

She's just hitting puberty, she would be hugely embarrassed to be expected to change in front of a 10 year old boy. She should not be expected to share a female only changing room with boys of that age. Our local pool's rules are up to age 8, if you don't want your older child in the men's changing room on their own it's not up to my daughter to accommodate that.

We travel a little further afield to a pool with family changing rooms, much easier all round

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 18:14

I find it amazing that some children don't like getting changed in a mixed class for PE at school and yet they are supposed to put up with it because a neurotic mother wants it. You would hope that an 11yr old boy would just tell his mother that she must be joking if he thinks he is going in the ladies!

freddiefrog · 29/10/2012 18:22

Yes, at our school, boys and girls are separated to change for PE from year 4 (so 8/9 onwards)

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 18:25

They have started to separate them because the children don't like mixed changing. This is when the leave their underwear on and yet in the swimming pool girls are supposed to not mind boys being in there. It is very unfair- a boy on his own couldn't go in - it is only done because a bullying mother hopes that her presence makes people afraid to say anything.

exoticfruits · 29/10/2012 18:26

A father wouldn't take his 11yr old DD I to the male changing room- it is the old double standard and very unfair.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 29/10/2012 18:30

This has always been a bugbear of mine and I always complain if there are older (than 8) boys in the female changing rooms. It is not acceptable.

DameEnidsOrange · 29/10/2012 18:54

I'm always astounded at the attitude of some Mothers who believe that their sons right to go in the female changing room is greater than the right of all the other women and girls in there.

And I have a DS with SN who really couldn't cope in a changing room on his own. We used family changing rooms where they were available, if they weren't we would not go unless we had someone to accompany DS into the male changing room.