To think that 11 years old boy should not be in a female changing room?

[superpushymum]

Last night I went to a hotel swimming pool. After the swim I was taking a shower in the female changing room. I left the towel on the hook nearby.

When I got out, there was (what I thought) a teenage boy literally staring at me. The towel was out of reach, so I had to run back into cubicle and squeeze myself into my dirty bathing suit.

I don't like confrontation, so I just went out to reception and asked the pool attendant to speak to the mother of the boy. She was also shocked and asked the family to move to the family changing room.

After she left, the mother started to shout that everybody is mad in this hotel and she is not going anywhere.

At the end I had approached her myself and asked her to take the boy out. She told me she can't understand a word of what I am saying (I am foreign and got a slight accent), so I completely lost it by that point and called the assistant again. The boy's mother started saying that her son is 'only' eleven and I should stop being ridiculous and just get on with it. At that stage she also removed her clothes infront of her son and changed into the bathing suit.

I told her I just can't undress infront of him, she got into a strop and told her kids 'come on, let's go to another changing room, this nasty woman does not want you here'.

Was I am unreasonable, or maybe it's a cultural difference, and it's ok in UK to have 11 year olds in the changing rooms? If it was 11 year old girl in a male changing room, would it still be ok?

Yanbu at all. Plus you need to protect yourself from accusations that you exposed yourself to the boy given that he was of an age where most leisure establishments would not have allowed him in the changing room.

Luckily our local swimming pool has a unisex changing area with cubicles- saves a lot of embarrassment!

It is a bugbear of mine, which is why I keep posting, and I will complain every time an over 8yr old boy is in the wrong changing room, unless SN. If the DS lets his mother get away with it, there is no reason for adults to let her do it without challenge.

My 7yr old son has swimming lessons at a local gym. The rules say under 7 for the female changing rooms but he tried the men's once (at his own request) and skiddadled back to the ladies the next time. He found the men's different and quite intimidating. They have no private cubicles, the showers have no doors etc and I think he found all these naked men a bit too much. It really depends on the child. my 10 yr old would be too embarrassed to go into the ladies.

"I have two DS (5 and 7 yo) where we go swimming, they will still come with me in the women's changing room when they turn 8, and probably up to 10 years old"

Your attitude, Nottingermum, ("My children's safety is my responsibility and I am making the call. My decision") is disgusting and has no consideration for others. I take it you have no daughters?

The rule is : 'Over 8s use own sex changing rooms' for good reasons.

I'm always astounded at the attitude of some Mothers who believe that their sons right to go in the female changing room is greater than the right of all the other women and girls in there.

Exactly. Sadly, it's just an extension of a more generalised worldview which says "I am a unique snowflake and deserve special treatment". You know, the same one that makes people park across two parking spaces. Blechhh.

This happened to me about not too long ago. I didnt complain though, I was too shocked, thought only on AIBU did neurotic mothers take their children in with them!!
The woman in my case asked if her little boy could come in, being a mum of two boys, I told her of course he could, no need to ask me.
He was about 14. Bumfluff moustache and everything.

Luckily, I was the only woman there, and being heavily pregnant and having given birth already, had no shame left
So I was stood there in all my ginormous naked glory, while she set him up in a cubicle (I didnt fit in one, lol) She changed outside the cubicle, so it cant have been that he needed her to dress him btw.

Ps, also I'm one of those topless sunbathers, which I think, according to the law of AIBU, would lose me my right to be disgusted and offended anyway

The ASA guidelines which swiming pools follow see NO such exception of if there is SN they can go in the opposite sex changing room with an adult and just state that if they are 8yrs old then they MUST not be in the opposite sex changing room.
If you 'insist' because you are 'the parent and know best' then you can be asked to leave and it can become a police matter.

I had a meeting with the local pool manager over this very subject as there are NO unisex / family changing rooms where he has lessons and I am a single parent (female) with a son.
The disabled toilet in reception was one option but only if he was dry before he went in there
The other was a disabled changing on poolside - it was summer when he started so I just took him in swimshorts and took him home but one day he did use it and was inadvertently locked on poolside.... I sent him in, went to hand in a form and was going to join him but I got locked out of the poolside and he was locked in...
I was then told he wasn't allowed to attend lessons before the times of staff breaks in case it happened again but there wasn't a lesson in the right level so now we are not allowed to use the disabled changing!!!

It's utterly ridiculous the nearest pool with family changing is 9 miles away.

Oh and son (with ASD) also has cleanliness issue (in that he doesnt like smells / dirt) and the disabled changing room makes him heave.... there has to be something wrong with the drains because is reeks of urine and the floor is always dirty.

I am sick of pressure to 'allow' him to use the men's changing room & toilets - not only can be not manage to change without distraction but he is incredibly vulnerable and open to suggestion.

But at the same time I would never break the rules and take him in the ladies - he would be vulnerable to accusations and I wouldnt want him or girls his age or older feeling uncomfortable. These are not toddlers anymore and as parents we need to appreciate the changes they are about to go through.
Yet I continually see boys I KNOW are his age (some older) who use the ladies with their mums - lucky them for being on the smaller side and not being questioned but I think it shows a lack of thought and sheer disrespect for other children.

So, solution?

Anyone can suggest a rational way forward?

I mean, the basic question is, I suppose, can we trust that there will be no sexual abuse of boys of 8 years old in a man's changing room?

I mean, I've never been in a men's changing room myself, but the tought of sending my boy there (he is only little, but the day will come!) does scare me...

I mean, really, a rational solution?

Our leisure centre is converting to a changing village. Mixed changing but all private cubicles.
In centerparcs Holland the changing rooms are brilliant. They have rows and rows of cubicles, a few large ones but the each have two doors, you enter on dryside, the leave through the other door to Wetside, where the lockers are.

scoobydooisawimp
Anyone can suggest a rational way forward?

Depends on what you mean rational.

I mean, the basic question is, I suppose, can we trust that there will be no sexual abuse of boys of 8 years old in a man's changing room?

You mean the changing rooms full of dads... other 8 year old kids...

What's your rational solution?

I trust that my 8 year old ds will not be abused in a changing room full of other kids & the occasional dad, yes.

Can you guarantee that boys will not be more at risk of sexual abuse in a men's changing room?

YANBU. Was the boy expected to change in the female communal changing room as well. No, I don't want to know. My children have been going into changing rooms to change by themselves since they were about 8.

I think your reaction was extreme OP, and very thoughtless to the child involved. I'm incredibly body shy and sensitive to these sorts of issues, but to humilate a child who is in the wrong place is really thoughtless. It doesn't sound like the mother helped matters at all, but perhaps she was insulted by the implication that her son was perving at people.

In her defence, it was a hotel swimming pool so I think it's a reasonable assumption that the mother was not on home turf and may not have been aware of the other facilities. I know that I tend to be more overprotective when we are away from home too.

Also, am I wrong in thinking that at a lot of schools children do still get changed together until the end of primary (mine are younger, I've picked this up from another thread on here.)

The only person who humiliated that child was his mother who brought him into the female changing rooms!

It would be interesting to hear from men about the assumption that men's changing rooms are places of possible sexual assault

I often suspect that is the reason boys come into the ladies rather than they physically need to be dressed age 10?? I struggle to imagine mums in their sons bedroom dressing them each morning

They do still get changed together in some schools but it is becoming more common to separate be amuse he children don't like it.

I agree that OP was not to blame in anyway- the mother was the one who humiliated the child. It was lucky he wasn't on home ground- the humiliation would have been worse if he had seen DCs who knew him.

Sorry iPad has it's own ideas! Because and not be amuse.

The boy did not look like he was bothered at all. He appeared very confident and was laughing and whispering with his older sister. I think he was probably in year 7, DS Just turned eleven and still in primary and looks much smaller and more childish in comparison.

He would have been bothered if he was likely to meet people he knew or if he was there without his mother.

I don't think ANY children, male or female should be expected to change alone in a changing room that is set up to allow other to watch should they wish... I don't care if they are parent, the pope or the bloody prime minister...

A lot of older or smaller pools dont even have cubicles or there are very few and it's not good enough but as these pools are replaced and renovated then it seems that planners opt for the cubicles or family changing options.

It can't come a moment too soon....

Changing rooms might not be full of paedophiles and it might be practice in schools to lump them together but it does not make it ok for all children.
Whether its a child with SN, a child that doesn't feel confident on their own in public place or simply one that is shy about their body it is not ok to just expect that they go it alone and it not ok to breach the rules either....

So the only rational way forward is the structure of the building change to reflect the nature of the society we live in - not that there is more child abuse but that we are more aware than we have ever been about the risks?

After all - would you let your child go backstage alone to visit a celebrity at the BBC now?

Thought not...

"Also, am I wrong in thinking that at a lot of schools children do still get changed together until the end of primary (mine are younger, I've picked this up from another thread on here.) "

Getting changed for PE doesn't involve total nudity like changing for swimming does - at school they remove their clothing but leave their underwear on and put their PE kit on.

ToothbrushThief
It would be interesting to hear from men about the assumption that men's changing rooms are places of possible sexual assault

See my earlier post.
This is paedophile hysteria at its best.

Men's changing rooms may be used by paedophiles, I suppose.
But also by partners, husbands, fathers, brothers and sons.

If you won't let PFB get changed by himself with all those wicked menz, how is he ever going to learn? When he's 12? When he's 14? When he's 16? [Because, of course, no child of those ages has ever been assaulted] Of course, when he's a man at 18, he'll be one of those wicked menz other mums don't want to let their PFBs near.

It's silly, but if you want to watch your PFB get changed, do it in a family room, or basically - don't take them into female changing rooms, and find a new pool to swim at.