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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 11 years old boy should not be in a female changing room?

323 replies

superpushymum · 28/10/2012 16:09

Last night I went to a hotel swimming pool. After the swim I was taking a shower in the female changing room. I left the towel on the hook nearby.

When I got out, there was (what I thought) a teenage boy literally staring at me. The towel was out of reach, so I had to run back into cubicle and squeeze myself into my dirty bathing suit.

I don't like confrontation, so I just went out to reception and asked the pool attendant to speak to the mother of the boy. She was also shocked and asked the family to move to the family changing room.

After she left, the mother started to shout that everybody is mad in this hotel and she is not going anywhere.

At the end I had approached her myself and asked her to take the boy out. She told me she can't understand a word of what I am saying (I am foreign and got a slight accent), so I completely lost it by that point and called the assistant again. The boy's mother started saying that her son is 'only' eleven and I should stop being ridiculous and just get on with it. At that stage she also removed her clothes infront of her son and changed into the bathing suit.

I told her I just can't undress infront of him, she got into a strop and told her kids 'come on, let's go to another changing room, this nasty woman does not want you here'.

Was I am unreasonable, or maybe it's a cultural difference, and it's ok in UK to have 11 year olds in the changing rooms? If it was 11 year old girl in a male changing room, would it still be ok?

OP posts:
Inertia · 28/10/2012 17:09

Yanbu. I agree with what Sirzy has said above.

Sirzy · 28/10/2012 17:11

Marj - surely they have disabled changing facilities? Even our local very crap basic pool has that.

Not that i would have an issue with them getting changed in the ladies but it seems unfair on him to have to.

GhostShip · 28/10/2012 17:12

Marjpoops - thats a different situation entirely, and she's been polite enough to give people a heads up and do it in a private cubicle.

None of that was the case in this scenario

ENormaSnob · 28/10/2012 17:12

Yanbu at all.

Inertia · 28/10/2012 17:12

Marjproops - are there accessible / disabled changing rooms which might be more appropriate for the needs of your friend's son ?

manicinsomniac · 28/10/2012 17:14

YANBU but I don't think it was necessary to react quite so strongly. You didn't know the boy and probably won't ever see him again.

Catsnotrats - as another teacher of 11 year olds I agree with you but would it really be any better if one of the girls saw you naked? I'd die either way!

Marjproops - your friend deals with her situation sensitively and appopriately. There's a massive difference

brdgrl · 28/10/2012 17:20

YANBU even if there weren't family changing rooms available. And the woman sounds like a total cow.

If a child has SN and no family or disabled changing rooms are available, maybe a private cubicle (like you describe marjprops) is the best answer...Even where SN are a consideration, that has to be balanced with everyone else for whom the space was designed...and it isn't just grown women, but other female children and teens who are using the changing rooms. Anyway, sounds like that wasn't even a factor here, more like that woman wanted to paint you as some sort of uptight puritan. YANBU!

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/10/2012 17:21

Sirzy - sadly most pools are woefully lacking in changing facilities for people with disabilities/sns. Where there aren't suitable facilities then people just have to do what they can, where they can - and ask ask ask for better facilities :(

In this case, I am very sure the woman would have said if her son had SNS so I doubt it's a factor. She sounds like a complete nightmare. Of course an 11yo boy (NT) should not be in a womans changing room (nor a girl in the mens). Frankly, I don't care if they see me naked - it's FAR more likely to give them nighmares than me Grin but I care on behalf of women who do care & even more so on behalf of girls who naturally do care & do expect it to be 'women only' in there.

Pourquoimoi · 28/10/2012 17:23

YANBU - my 11yo DS hasn't been in a female changing room for several years. I think it is inappropriate that he was in there.

socharlotte · 28/10/2012 17:27

YANBU.Once they are 8 children should be in the correct changing room for their gender.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:29

Of course you were not being unreasonable. At 11 years he should just tell his mother that he is going in the men's changing room and do it. (he should have done it at least 3 years ago)
I think that you just have to take a tough line and make the management insist.

bodiddly · 28/10/2012 17:30

Out of interest, at what age would you let your ds go into a changing room or toilet on his own?

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:32

I have 3 boys and have often been out alone with them. They wouldn't have gone in the ladies after 6yrs-definitely 7years.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:33

They should be like my nephew-stand on their dignity and say 'I am a man you know'.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 28/10/2012 17:35

I have an 8 and 10 year old and wouldn't take them into the female changing rooms but would feel uncomfortable sending them into the male changing room too. They have one family room at our local pool which is always in demand so I would either wait for that to be free or get a grip and send them into the male one.

It's all academic with me though as I have a stupid phobia about having the dc near water.

I don't think you're unreasonable though.

bodiddly · 28/10/2012 17:40

Exoticfruits, if you only had one of them with you would you send him in alone? I wouldn't have anywhere near as many issues with it if ds was with a sibling but alone ... I still think 7 is too young!

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/10/2012 17:48

it does sound like ywnbu but any chance at all you were being dramatic when you spoke to the assistant or mother, im not meaning it was dramatic to talk to them but did you perhaps use inflamatory language like "he was staring at me whilst i was naked" or say anything that implyed her son was being a pervert?

thats the only explanation i can think of for her reaction.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:49

Yes-the eldest was 8yrs before the second was born. He simply wouldn't have gone into the ladies once he could read and understand the system.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:52

I would think that she is entitled to use dramatic language if she gets a complete shock to come naked out of a shower and be stared at by an 11 yr old boy. There is no blame at all on OP -he shouldn't have been there-full stop.

brdgrl · 28/10/2012 17:53

I still think 7 is too young!
Depends on the kid though, doesn't it? My DSS couldn't have handled it at 7 - literally would not have been able to dress himself and come back out. One of my nephews would have been able to handle it perfectly well as far as getting himself ready - but I would be concerned that he'd not be safe or be able to ask for help. Another one would have been absolutely fine.

But I think 8 is the rule in most places, and if my NT kid were 8 (or 11) and still not able to manage or comfortable (or I wasn't comfortable with it) in the men's on his own, I'd feel that it was sort of up to me to sort it out, not that it gave me license to take him in the women's.

Where there aren't suitable facilities then people just have to do what they can, where they can - and ask ask ask for better facilities
That.

sue52 · 28/10/2012 17:54

YANBU and very unfair to be put in the OP's position of having to complain.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:58

They can all manage at 7yrs-(unless SN) I have taken whole classes of 7yr olds swimming-when there are no mothers around they know they have to do it and they just get on with it-they have never had much time either.
You do have to do 'what if scenarios.......'

Original poster
superpushymum · 28/10/2012 17:59

Thank you for your replies! I got about 11 year old myself and can't imagine being naked infront of him or one of his friends. Happy I am not the weird one.

OP posts:
Original poster
superpushymum · 28/10/2012 17:59

I mean an 11 year old

OP posts:
brdgrl · 28/10/2012 18:00

They can all manage at 7yrs-(unless SN)
Well, not all, my DSS could not, as I say. I agree that they should all be able to, but there are going to be some kids who can't. But I suppose I think that is the parents' 'problem', IYSWIM. Not an excuse.

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