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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 11 years old boy should not be in a female changing room?

323 replies

superpushymum · 28/10/2012 16:09

Last night I went to a hotel swimming pool. After the swim I was taking a shower in the female changing room. I left the towel on the hook nearby.

When I got out, there was (what I thought) a teenage boy literally staring at me. The towel was out of reach, so I had to run back into cubicle and squeeze myself into my dirty bathing suit.

I don't like confrontation, so I just went out to reception and asked the pool attendant to speak to the mother of the boy. She was also shocked and asked the family to move to the family changing room.

After she left, the mother started to shout that everybody is mad in this hotel and she is not going anywhere.

At the end I had approached her myself and asked her to take the boy out. She told me she can't understand a word of what I am saying (I am foreign and got a slight accent), so I completely lost it by that point and called the assistant again. The boy's mother started saying that her son is 'only' eleven and I should stop being ridiculous and just get on with it. At that stage she also removed her clothes infront of her son and changed into the bathing suit.

I told her I just can't undress infront of him, she got into a strop and told her kids 'come on, let's go to another changing room, this nasty woman does not want you here'.

Was I am unreasonable, or maybe it's a cultural difference, and it's ok in UK to have 11 year olds in the changing rooms? If it was 11 year old girl in a male changing room, would it still be ok?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 21:50

A naked man simply wouldn't dare give an 11yr old a wiggle, so why should a woman find it an option?

kige · 28/10/2012 22:01

I do have a suggestion for those with boys who can't or don't want to go into the men's where there are no family facilities - get a toweling hoody and a toweling pair of Tracksuit bottoms and a pair of crocs - slip these 3 items on over top of wet swimwear when you are on poolside - very quick - -20-30 secs max. Leave facility and go straight home to have shower and sort self out.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 22:05

I don't think that that the boys have any problem-it is the mothers with the problem.

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2012 22:07

I long for the good old days when there were individual cubicles at the side of the pool itself Grin

DayShiftDoris · 28/10/2012 22:12

National guidelines (From ASA - swimming association) dictate that children 8 and over need to be in the changing room of their own gender... This is deemed a safeguarding issue in terms of boys and girls becoming sexually aware - or so I was told when I queried the policy at the local pool.

There is absolutely NO exceptions to this - not even with a child who has SEN and only a parent of the opposite sex to take him swimming.

As a parent you are also not allowed to enter an opposite sex changing room to get your child out... and even though changing rooms are supposed to be closed to general public in swim lessons this is not infallible (yep I was in a very sticky situation when I went in to remove my son who was NOT coping on his own and found a random adult man in his boxers Blush).

All the local pools adhere to it and infact where my son currently swims they told me of an incident where a boy of 9yrs was thrown from a changing room by another parent because he looked at her daughter in a manner she did not like. The boy in question was with his mother.

So actually the hotel is being unreasonable in thinking that they are above safeguarding procedures that every other swimming pool follows.
They don't even have the difficulties of most municipal pools because they do have family changing rooms...

I would ask them to clarify their policy and put signs up. Most pools have them.

crackcrackcrak · 28/10/2012 22:14

Yanbu. It's under 8's only in our health club.
I got annoyed recently at a v large child just sitting about in the changing rooms but when I heard him speak I realised he was a lot younger. Still think the mum could have supported him a bit better to give him privacy and used a cubicle. Sigh

DayShiftDoris · 28/10/2012 22:14

Oh and I am pretty much doing what Kige suggests which is fine in summer and when you have no where else to go but more tricky in winter and when you want to go to the library afterwards!!

DoMeDon · 28/10/2012 22:25

YANBU OP - it is not OK - it is not cultural.

As for a wiggle Hmm I think I would report an adult who wiggled at my child.

crackcrackcrak · 28/10/2012 22:26

The wiggle is creepy.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 28/10/2012 22:54

My 10yo goes into the men's changing room himself, has done since he was 8yo. My 9yo, however, I have to use the family cubicles for, as he cannot get out of his swim shorts and into his clothes once he is wet. (SN's).

If there was no family cubicles, I would do as MarjProops' friend does.

However, if there were only ladies or men's, and no cubicle, just a shared changing room, he would HAVE to come in with me.

Luckily our pool has family cubicles, and as this hotel did too, the woman WBU.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 28/10/2012 22:57

Your suggestion of a towelling hoody is no good for those who are walking to the bus stop, waiting for a bus, and sitting on a bus home though.

Not everyone has a car.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 22:59

Many boys wouldn't like to be going home in towelling-not if 11 years-they would just like to get changed without their mother!

Procrasstinator · 28/10/2012 23:07

worra all our local pools still do have the individual cubicles...the changing rooms are not segregated into male and female....we use 4 different pools and they are all like this....is this not common place then? Confused would seem to make sense. why arent more pools like this?

Cahoots · 28/10/2012 23:11

YANBU. 11 is too old to be in the women's changing room. If there was a particular reaon that the boy had to change in the female changing room the Mum could have just called out and asked everyone to cover up for anew moments while she ushered her boy through the changing room.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 23:15

The mum should have called out and asked if they minded-they are quite within their rights to refuse.

brdgrl · 29/10/2012 09:40

exotic, I'm not talking about something not being done to the same standard. My DSS would simply (was simply) not able to do something like dress himself in a public changing room...not at 7, or 8.

Not a case of over-protective parenting, although obviously one could conclude that there were parenting and/or emotional issues going on there.

As before, I am most emphatically not saying that isn't a problem, and NOT saying that it means he should be allowed to go into the women's room, or indeed that any special provisions should be made. But the point remains that some ostensibly NT children will be ready at 7 or 8, and some won't...Your experience with 7 year olds is different, fine, and you have declared with certainty that all 7 year olds can manage as apparently that has been your experience ...but I think in this case you are going to have to accept that I know my DSS somewhat better than you do.

Apologies as this is a bit of a sidetrack, but it is very irritating to report on one's one firsthand experience and be told essentially "no, no kid is like that, because I have worked with lots of kids and that hasn't been my experience." I have also worked with lots of kids - but this is my firsthand experience with this kid.

FlobbadobbaBOO · 29/10/2012 09:55

Our local pool has a mixed changing room, all cubicles plus a family room and disabled changing room. DS has, more than once died of embaressment there when he's walked out of his cubicle to find a half naked woman stood at the locker or walking to the shower. I've heard him apologise before now (apparently when he's seen something he shouldn't...) He's 12 and would never stare, poor kid wouldn't know where to put himself! He tends to get changed in the toilets when we go there now, it saves him blushes...
OP YANBU. married if you'd wiggled at my son I would have reported you to the management and security...

ToothbrushThief · 29/10/2012 10:04

I think married is a bit like my mother. She is of a different generation when wiggling provocatively at young lads would never be considered sexual...but then my mother has never seen herself as sexual.

Many most people consider themselves to be sexual at a variety of ages. I'd say this explains why married doesn't see anything in this. She views herself and an 11yr old boy as outside sexual thoughts.

It's a dangerous viewpoint. Many a benign old man has found themselves viewed as a pervert because of this

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/10/2012 10:12

YWNBU to have found it odd a boy of that age was in the ladies changing room.

Your overreaction was most certainly unreasonable though. You complained twice and shouted at the Mum? What exactly did that achieve?

Nottigermum · 29/10/2012 10:14

I have two DS (5 and 7 yo) where we go swimming, they will still come with me in the women's changing room when they turn 8, and probably up to 10 years old but even now, we walk right away in the cubicules closest to the entrance door, they dont shower there I give them a bath when we get home, and I make absolutely sure that they don't 'stare' at people. I have to say, as a mum of two boys, I do feel concern about this, I don't want to offend other users of the pool, but my absolute responsibility is to my children and I will do whatever I think is necessary to protect them. Sending a child in a male changing room on their own is, in my opinion, not safe. That's what it comes down to for me. My children's safety is my responsibility and I am making the call. My decision.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 29/10/2012 10:33

Our pool's unbdergone a refurb and has just re-opened. According to DP it's all mixed changing, individual and family cubicles. A long row of cubicles facing a long row of lockers along a narrow corridor, meaning total chaos at changeover times for swimming lessons. He got wet last week as several kids had no option but to squeeze past him to get to change.

He thought some of the older girls looked a bit uncomfortable as while showers are individual cubicles, you still have to come out and find a changing cubicle to actually change in. He thinks it's been badly thought out and not enought respect given to some people's need for privacy.

Original poster
superpushymum · 29/10/2012 10:54

Where did I say I had shouted? I said I don't like confrontation, I asked the pool attendant to speak to her, then spoken politely myself. It's the mother who was shouting.

OP posts:
Original poster
superpushymum · 29/10/2012 10:58

It had a family changing room. My 11 year old was with me, but he went straight to the male room, he thinks he is too old for a family one.

Maybe I am a prude, but I stopped changing infront of him when he was about 6, he have not seen me in any stage of undressing since then.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 29/10/2012 11:02

superpushymum sorry misread that!

At the end of the day....it was weird that he was in there. I wouldn't have been keen to get changed in front of him either.

brdgrl · 29/10/2012 11:02

superpushy, your reaction wasn't over the top at all. I hope you've been reassured of that by all these responses! Objecting and complaining and asking for something to be done about it - yup, perfectly appropriate response.