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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that 11 years old boy should not be in a female changing room?

323 replies

superpushymum · 28/10/2012 16:09

Last night I went to a hotel swimming pool. After the swim I was taking a shower in the female changing room. I left the towel on the hook nearby.

When I got out, there was (what I thought) a teenage boy literally staring at me. The towel was out of reach, so I had to run back into cubicle and squeeze myself into my dirty bathing suit.

I don't like confrontation, so I just went out to reception and asked the pool attendant to speak to the mother of the boy. She was also shocked and asked the family to move to the family changing room.

After she left, the mother started to shout that everybody is mad in this hotel and she is not going anywhere.

At the end I had approached her myself and asked her to take the boy out. She told me she can't understand a word of what I am saying (I am foreign and got a slight accent), so I completely lost it by that point and called the assistant again. The boy's mother started saying that her son is 'only' eleven and I should stop being ridiculous and just get on with it. At that stage she also removed her clothes infront of her son and changed into the bathing suit.

I told her I just can't undress infront of him, she got into a strop and told her kids 'come on, let's go to another changing room, this nasty woman does not want you here'.

Was I am unreasonable, or maybe it's a cultural difference, and it's ok in UK to have 11 year olds in the changing rooms? If it was 11 year old girl in a male changing room, would it still be ok?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 18:00

She shouldn't have done it to her 11yr old-completely unfair to put him in that position.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 18:01

They may not get changed to the same standard but it doesn't really matter.

lovebunny · 28/10/2012 18:02

to put an eleven year old where he can see naked or undressing women is abusive to the women and the boy.
women should be free to use changing rooms without being ogled at by the sons of strangers.

lovebunny · 28/10/2012 18:03

extraneous 'at'.

Original poster
superpushymum · 28/10/2012 18:05

I was not dramatic at all, I just said I can't take my clothes infront of him. And anyway the mother claimed not to understand a word of what I was saying.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 28/10/2012 18:09

I don't really understand why it was such a big issue to be perfectly honest. Why didn't you just ask him to stop looking at you; move elsewhere; write a polite letter to the hotel about the facilities afterwards. If you lost it, I think you were being unreasonable.

OTH I have no issues whatsoever about being seen naked by my almost 18 year old son or my 14 year old daughter because bodies are entirely natural and normal and I would hate it if they thought otherwise. If my son had been in a family changing room at 10/11/12 I don't think he would have bothered to stare because he had seen it all before and would have thought it was normal. However, we would have been in the family changing room area at that stage rather than the ladies changing room - because he wouldn't have wanted to feel like a baby.

I do think you are being a bit U though. Do you really think the average 11 year old would have looked at you with any though of sexuality on his mind? To me, I'm afraid, you do appear to think you are a bit "special". Probably you are like the rest of us - not perfect and not a sex bomb Grin.

DizzyHoneyBee · 28/10/2012 18:10

Unless he had special needs YANBU. 8 is the age at which boys are expected to go in the male changing rooms. I really do think there is a need for more family changing rooms so children with SEN can change with a family member.

mybootsaremuddy · 28/10/2012 18:12

DS1 was 8 when I started letting him in the changing rooms alone. DS2 was 6 when I let him go in with DS1 under strict instructions that any messing = never again and that he was to wait on the bench at pool side or in reception if after swim untill I or the nanny were there. If DS1 was not there then DS2 would come in with me untill after his op last year this was because he had problems with muscle spasms in his hands which affected his grip and somtimes had trouble with his clothes and therfore would panic and go into complete meltdown....... at least if DS1 was with him he could help if needed.

They were both around 6 when I let them into public loos alone they liked the urinals and that they never have to Q for a pee! I always waited outside for them...... if I needed the loo then they would wait outside the ladies for me.

They are 8 and 11 now and would die of embarasement if made to go in the females (although Id have to drag them in kicking and screaming first)

Just from the other side as well. DH let DD1 use the ladies loos from 6 on her own and would wait outside for her and use changing rooms from about 7 alone which was because she decided that they have boys and girls seperate changing at school and she didnt want any boys to see her getting dressed. She had same rule of waiting on bench untill DH got her(he was usualy the one left waiting for her though!)

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 18:12

Do you really think the average 11 year old would have looked at you with any though of sexuality on his mind?

Do you have much experience of 11 year old boys? Hmm

bodiddly · 28/10/2012 18:13

Is it 8 for public toilets as well?

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 18:14

My DSs wouldn't have been seen dead in a ladies toilet at 8yrs!

AThingInYourLife · 28/10/2012 18:16

"I have a single mum friend with a 13 year old boy with SN."

Why doesn't she go with him into the men's changing room instead of making such a song and dance in the women's?

"Do you really think the average 11 year old would have looked at you with any though of sexuality on his mind?"

Um... yes.

Of course.

Pubescent children are very, very interested in sexually developed bodies.

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2012 18:16

Exotic yes I have an 18 year old. At 11 he couldn't have given two hoots; neither I think would have his friends; nor DD's 11 year old boy friends.

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2012 18:18

I don't see what was achieved by the OP losing it? Also how does the OP know the boy was 11 or didn't have SN? Why couldn't the OP just have moved to a different part of the changing room?

I don't think this has anything to do with humility whatsoever.

bodiddly · 28/10/2012 18:21

My ds doesn't want to go in the ladies now age 7 but I am nervy about sending him into the men's on his own. I am sure I would think differently if he were with a friend etc.

WearingGreen · 28/10/2012 18:22

So you shouldn't object to being seen naked by strange (as in strangers) adolescents unless you are a 'sex bomb'?

What if the OP is a 'sex bomb'? Some people are.

pmsl at the idea that 11 yo boys don't look at naked women with thoughts of sexuality. Boy in ds's school has just been caught doing a roaring trade in nude pics. He is a genius was cutting them from his dad's mags and selling them as singles. He and the other boys are Y5/Y6. I remember something similar in my own primary school but iirc it was a not for profit venture.

pigletmania · 28/10/2012 18:23

YANBU he if no sn he is perfectly able to go into a male changing room himself

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2012 18:25

If an 11 year old (or a boy who looked 11) looked at me naked in a changing room I would move or tell him to avert his gaze. I would not make a song an dance about it. I don't think my ds would have bothered tbf - certainly didn't in the family area because it wasn't unusual for him to see a naked adult. Normal, healthy stuff imo.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 18:25

I have the experience of hundreds of 11 year old boys and most would have been very interested.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 28/10/2012 18:26

The onus is on the boy not to be there, not in every woman in the changing room to be unbothered by his presence. Whether he had SN is irrelevant as there was a family changing room available.

ravenAK · 28/10/2012 18:27

I know hundreds of 11 year old boys.

I can state quite confidently that they are very, very interested in naked women.

marriedinwhite · 28/10/2012 18:28

I don't think any 11 year old boy would look at me and get sexual thoughts. PMSL at the very thought. The OP clearly holds herself in exceptionally high esteem.

Primrose123 · 28/10/2012 18:29

YANBU

reallyworried1 · 28/10/2012 18:30

Surely the easier solution would be for all councils to do what both our locals have done and have unisex changing rooms with a general "no nudity" rule unless you're behind a closed cubicle door or a very young child. Works for everyone, the cubicles are a mix of family/individual and two or three for wheelchair uses. At first I think everyone thought it would be a nightmare but it seems to work OK. Most council run pools I have been to are the same - e.g. Dundee Olympia, Leith Walk Waterworld, Aberdeen Leisure Pool, Inverness Aquadome..

I'm trying to remember how the toilets work, I'm sure they still have male/female loos but honestly having all the changing facilities together is so much easier for mums/dads, particularly since the showers used to be segregated too - I recall at six being taken into the men's with my father and there being one communal shower for the men, quite a few of whom had stripped off, didn't like it. Having one huge changing area prevents that situation..

ravenAK · 28/10/2012 18:31

It's not about 11 year old boys being overcome with attraction to our middle aged charms, marriedinwhite. (Although OP may well be absolutely ravishing for all any of us know!).

It's about intense curiosity.

Which is perfectly natural & healthy, etc etc, but not everyone likes being stared at when they're getting changed. Nor should they have to put up with it.