If your DH/DP called you a cunt

[Whiteworm]

Ok, so this is wrong. DP can do this in a row (even if DD 2.5 is present) He can be super spiteful even if he says sorry afterwards. What do I do? I hate it and I dont rise if DD is there (so as not to upset her) I back down as I dont want her to see us screaming. But then this means me backing down when I have good grounds. I have told him that this is verbal abuse and he laughs and says don't be silly. He calms down as quickly as he loses his temper. I am no doormat but I feel resorting to verbal abuse is awful. I have never called him this. I just wish I could have a row without him losing his temper and inch from my face calling me a cunt etc.

My friend says she would slap her husband if he called her a cunt. But when I challenged her and said physical abuse is the right way to go she said err no. But her husband would never dare speak to her that way.

What do I do?? 90% time we get on fine. Just when I have a gripe, I hold back in fear of a nasty row. Not me at all.

Honestly OP, this is inexcusable behaviour. DH and I use horrendous language ( not proud of it) and cunt is part of our daily vocabulary. We always try not to swear infront of DS or anyone that may be offended by bad language although I must admit there are occasional fuck slip ups. We also both have very quick tempers and behave very childishly at times
I certainly would not accept that behaviour and I'm a foul mouthed bitch! You sound much nicer so you certainly need to take active steps with this, he sounds cruel.

I agree with Pagwatch it's not the word, it's the behaviour, the aggression, the sentiment. He could be calling you a donkey for all it matters, the problem is his disrespectful nasty attitude towards you, and in front of your child.
Then he laughs it off and says he doesn't mean it.
Here's the thing - he does...he does mean it, he means to insult you and intimidate you.
Does he call his mum a cunt? His colleagues, his friends?
Nope.

Short fuse my arse. He's a self indulgent shit, that thinks your role is to suck it up.
He shows this by dismissing your concern and unhappiness about it as a trifle. Didn't mean it, you're overreacting, don't take it so seriously, I'm sorry. It happened because I couldn't find my keys/the baby was crying/I haven't had luch/the traffic was bad on the way home.

Whatever.
I know who the cunt is here.
He's not a good dad either.

Sort this out. It's not on. You are right to be so concerned.

He would very rapidly become my ex.

LaQueen many years back I had a female friend who had a very shouty partner. He would swear at her like billy-o, and be what I thought was aggressive to her. She loved him, and he could be quite amusing. He would shout and swear at anyone, including muscley bouncers... not always just rotten to their partners.

BuntyPenfold mutny AdoraBell
I don't use the word, as I'd regard it as a "bad swear"
You all indicated it would be more or less the last thing your DP ever said to you.

I wonder what your DPs would think would be the last thing you could say to them. Frankly, I can't imagine anything DW could say to me that would break our relationship completely. "I don't love you"? "I want a divorce"? They would hurt me, but I'd wait to see what happened next...

As a young man I called a sneery bloke a cunt; he told me I was a typical fascist and would use as an insult the thing I wanted most. I pursed my lips at him and said "In that case, you're a prick".

Having worked in physical environments, off-shore and the services, I'm not unused to naval language. I try not to use it.

leave him.
take the baby and evidence of his income.
shake the dust off your feet and don't look back.

It's not so much the actual language OneMoreChap, as the attitude it indicates.

hmmm well to be honest if he called me a cunt I would call him one back and it would completely wash over me, there are much more important things going on in our lives than to worry about anything said in the heat of the moment.

But crucially we never swear in front of our kids, in fact out loud in RL I never swear at all and I am that parent at the school gates that visible cringes when another mother starts effing and blinding (we have a lot of them here)

Don't make any leave the bastard type rash decisions on the misuse of a word but if there are bigger issues behind this then you need to look at those.

I'm not precious about swearing. I swear. I even say cunt.

However, there is swearing, and there is being sworn at. David Cameron is a cunt. Jimmy Saville is a cunt - but your wife should never be a cunt. Once it's got to the swearing and name calling stage in a row, it's out of control.

Anyone who thinks their spouse is less significant so as to serve as an emotional and verbal punchbag is not worth shit frankly.

Couples DO row. Some rows get out of hand. It's a fact, it's life. But when verbal abuse and intimidation is an ongoing, repetitive factor in your dealings together, you can be sure the relationship is rotten.

"I'm not precious about swearing. I swear. I even say cunt.

However, there is swearing, and there is being sworn at. David Cameron is a cunt. Jimmy Saville is a cunt - but your wife should never be a cunt"

Yes, this sums up my feelings too. I'm not averse to the odd swear myself and neither is my husband, and we do argue from time to time, but personal abuse is a total no-no. And there is something about the word "cunt" - I've used it myself in the above scenarios, but directed at a woman - especially a woman you supposedly love and respect - it's degrading.

I agree with a few posters on her like bumdrop..... The word in its self would not be a deal breaker for me DH family seem to use it at will. However I would not tolerate aggression and swearing in front of DC. DH has in the past got worked up and sworn at me in front of DC , never calling me the name but things like FFS. After a few incidents I told him it was a deal breaker for me and I meant it. I have never said in 12 years that anything else is a deal breaker, we had a big chat and it has never happened again. So IMO if you want to deal with this now , next time he does this don't back down. You don't need to shout but tell him very calmly that it is no acceptable pick up DD and leave. When he has calmed down tell him that this is never to happen again and what would he say to a man who did this to his DD in the future. If it happens again you need to follow through and separate until this is resolved. It is not about the words, or the shouting to me. It is the fact that he is disregarding something that you feel strongly about and belittling your emotions on this. He also knows you won't react in front of DD and is using that to get away with spoilt bratish behaviour.

I love all the deal-breaker/red-line stuff.

What would you say Loie159 if you did something that DH thought was "a deal-breaker", he picked up your DD and left?

Presumably, if he'd told you that it was a deal-breaker, that would be fine?

I can take lots of swearwords being thrown at me. But I absolutely despise 'cunt'

Me and DP banter alot with each other swearing but never use that word. He knows i'd knock his block off if he ever called it me.

It's not a case of suddenly getting up and leaving because someone inadvertently said a 'dealbreaker' word. Not for me, anyway. More that if our relationship had deteriorated to the stage where DH was regularly shouting in my face and calling me a cunt, things would probably be as good as over anyway.

I absolutely hate the use of that word...it is awful. (I wish people wouldn't use it so much on MN)
We are both swearers when we get into an argument, but that word is a total no-no.
I think if I was called that by my DH, the end of our relationship would have come.

onemorechap please don't presume that I have double standards...... Absolutely not! If I repeatedly did something and DH told me it was a deal breaker I would not do it again - simple as. We have been together for 12 years have 2 DC and run 3 business's together as well. So actually it is very important that we are honest and open about things that upset us. I have been in a similar scenario and DH listened and had not done same thing since. I would also like to add that DH had calls me on a few things over the years and I have changed my behaviour too. If you love someone and something you do really hurts them and they ask you to stop, most people do!?

I agree with pagwatch. It's not the actual word that's the problem. It's the level of aggression and disrespect behind it that's the issue, and the fact that you are already changing your behaviour to avoid these outbursts. Very unhealthy. If you point out this to him and ask him to change, then he's basically made the decision that calling you a cunt is more important to him than wanting you to feel respected. I know what my response to that would be.

Onemorechap - you're simplifying childishly.
There is nothing untoward about someone making the decision to leave someone who repeatedly does something that causes us pain and hurt.

In fact we all need to establish red lines and deal breakers much more, because if we did, we'd all waste far less time in shit, degrading relationships.

pictish you're simplifying childishly or alternatively, I'm responding to posters who make black & white statements.

I indicated in an early post it wasn't the word but the manner that concerned me... so perhaps before saying I make childish simplifications you could do me the elementary courtesy of reading what I say, not what you think I say...

onemore you've picked up on what I wanted to point out, now that I'm not half asleep.

It's also the behavior used around the word and the repeat apologies. Because I grew up witnessing what the OP describes I won't tolerate people screaming in my face or repeating the behavior they are allegedly sorry about. I do swear, more than OH, but not at people. And if OH called me darling while screaming inches from my face that would also be a deal breaker.

My dh has called me a cunt - kids were in bed , it's not a word I find horrific, to me it was his way of signalling how bloody annoyed he was with me in the heat of an argument. He's not verbally abusive, it does not define our relationship, he's kind, generous and loving but occasionally uses the word cunt, as do I. No big deal.

It is tough. I hear what all of you are saying. Before DD I would not back down. I am no doormat. I only back down as our house is small and when we do argue we are both loud. I have tried asking him to count to ten in future if he feels like he is going to boil over. Someone upthread says would he do this to a bloke who is bigger than him. Yes he would. Though DP is 6ft 4 so unlikely. He swears a lot (though curbs it in front of DD, most of the time) and calling me a cunt he doesn't see as that bad. To be honest it is the loud agression that bothers me. I have asked him to seek help but he thinks it is unnecessary. He blames me for winding him up. I cant help but follow him round when he tries to storm off. I am just trying to make myself heard or get my point accross at the time. He is defensive by nature, not sure why. So for example if I say did you empty the dishwasher? He hears why didn't you empty the dishwasher. So thinks I am moaning. My councillor asked why he is so defensive, but knowing his parents and upbringing cant find an answer. I know it is wrong, threatening terrible behaviour and it only happens say once or twice a year. I also avoid saying when he pisses me off to avoid a row. This makes me resentful. I don't want to leave him. I just want an idea or a solution to get through to him that it is not on. Maybe a way of persuading him to see someone about it. In the early days it amused me how he could get so wound up with a box of bin liners that they would end up all over the floor in temper, and then sit there having to put the lot away. Now it bothers me a lot.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs!