If your DH/DP called you a cunt

[Whiteworm]

Ok, so this is wrong. DP can do this in a row (even if DD 2.5 is present) He can be super spiteful even if he says sorry afterwards. What do I do? I hate it and I dont rise if DD is there (so as not to upset her) I back down as I dont want her to see us screaming. But then this means me backing down when I have good grounds. I have told him that this is verbal abuse and he laughs and says don't be silly. He calms down as quickly as he loses his temper. I am no doormat but I feel resorting to verbal abuse is awful. I have never called him this. I just wish I could have a row without him losing his temper and inch from my face calling me a cunt etc.

My friend says she would slap her husband if he called her a cunt. But when I challenged her and said physical abuse is the right way to go she said err no. But her husband would never dare speak to her that way.

What do I do?? 90% time we get on fine. Just when I have a gripe, I hold back in fear of a nasty row. Not me at all.

I'm not really sure about the abuse side of it. My DH would laugh if told it was 'abuse' and I would do the same. It totally depends on your relationship.

However I don't think its good you're holding back.

If you don't want to argue in front of your DD/feel you're holding back. I would react by asking to speak to him in another room when he does this or take your dd out of the room and I would give him the bollocking of his life. My DH has called me a cunt but then I call him one quite often so its not really considered that offensive in our house.

However if you find it that offensive I think you need to take action. I would point out that if he wouldn't say it to his mother/grandmother/boss/someone else he respects he sure as fuck shouldn't say it to you. That if he continues to be so massively disrespectful you will take it that he has no respect for you throughout the relationship and you will be forced to reevaluate. I think its a bit strong to say you would leave him as its not what you want to do but I think its fair enough to say that it makes you reconsider the relationship because from what you've said thats the truth.

...with my foot. (Damned posting too soon!)

Metaphorically.

Decent partners and men don't do that.

My ex did call me some pretty nasty names. I didn't retaliate with violence, obviously, but I didn't stick around any longer than I had to.

I am going to get roasted here I expect.

Hey ho.

Dh has called me a cunt before now. (never never ever where a DC might hear it) I too, wind him up. He winds me up, we get shouty and act like a couple of idiots. He thinks the sun shines out of my arse and loves me. He does love me. He acts like he loves me, he tells me that he loves me, he demonstrates that he loves me. He is respectful of me day to day. He is not a bully or an abuser. I am not coming on the thread for anyone to convince me I am in an abusive relationship We both cause the argument. We both pursue the argument. I too am capable of saying very bad words.

The thing that stops me is the DC. I will not be in a relationship where we are shouting and the DC can hear it through the walls. I refuse to do this.

So I am working on new arguing strategies. I will walk away from the argument, but i will not back down. I will wait until he has had his say and finished, let him talk until he is burned out, and then say my piece.

I tell him not to raise his voice. I tell him the DCs needs come WAY above his. I tell him I will not concede any point he has to make until he makes it respectfully.

There are ways to discuss things, to vent, to argue, that stop short of winding each other up to the point of shouting. You can learn how to do this. You put the DC up at the top of the marriage. Anything that either of you want comes way down the list compared to the welfare of the children.

I am not particularly offended by being called a cunt. It just means he has lost his temper and is being a twat. It also means he has lost the argument, but we will deal with that later.

I will not tolerate being disrespected infront of my children. We are not teenagers having a row. We are grown ups with a family to raise, and we need to act like it.

I am also a person quick to anger. I get cross about keys and cat piss and lost phones. I can't seem to remain calm for myself, but I can do it when I realise who else it will hurt. I think that your DH might be able to see it from this POV too?

He is the one who sounds like a cunt

Only a shit husband and a shit father would behave like this, you might think that's not true but most if us are saying it and do you really think we are all wrong? If you saw a man in the street doing this to his wife and child would you think ' ah bless him I bet he's a fab husband and dad really' ? Because I sure as hell wouldn't, and if his wife told me he was great really I would feel sorry for her that she was so deluded and obviously beaten down by his behaviour

He might be great 90% of the time but that doesn't make this ok

I honestly don't know how you could make him stop, he knows you won't leave and you'll just put up with it so why would he stop? This would be a deal braker for a lot of people but if it isn't to you then that's your decision but it makes it harder to try and get him to stop

Having said all that I do really hope you find a way to get through to him, because you and your daughter deserve better than this

Not acceptable at all IMO. I can't imagine DH speaking to me like that, or shouting in my face etc. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you.

No of course physical violence is not the right response, but you don't have to tolerate being spoken to that way!

I'd be far less worried about what he called you than the losing his temper and inch from my face bit.

That's clearly bullying, physically intimidating, and in my mind far more abusive

My dp used to do this,
He did it a few times when dd was a baby,
I told him i would NEVER allow that to happen again, if he cant control himself, he must leave, my child will not be brought up witnessing aggression to that level.
He said i drove him to behave like that, i pointed out people will always disagree at times, that is normal, but we have to be able to resolve and move on. He was responsible for his own outburst, not me.
If not its OVER !!
That was 4 years ago, it worked. good luck setting some boundaries.

Well done bumdrop, amd well done to your DP for growing up amd controlling himself, you both sound like great parents

Sit him down when calm and ask him how he is going to sort out the temper issue - there are anger management classes and books available which might be a start?

Well, in determining if it is acceptable behaviour, you need only ask yourself one question - would you want or expect your daughter to live this life when she grows up?

How do you feel about your daughter marrying someone who stands inches away from her and screams 'cunt' in her face during an argument? Who blows up in massive temper over little things? When she tells you that she is submissive to him in order to avoid his temper, what would you say to her?

If it's unthinkable that it happens to your child, it's unthinkable that it happens to you.

you are worthy of the treatment from your husband that you would expect for your daughter from hers.

But I should qualify that by saying that it is coloured by my own views on shouting. I don't do it and won't accept it. To me, it is aggressive and intended to intimidate and is a barrier to productive communication. So if you have a different view on shouting, then the above is as much use as a chocolate teapot

I call DP a cunt he calls me a bitch. We never do it in front of DS and never will.

We do love each other really.

I have a super quick temper, it's epic, and I cool off quickly.

Part of being a parent is tempering rage. Your DP is wrong. Do not back down.

Childish tantrums just don't wash once you've had children, and apologies are empty if nothing changes.

How will your DP feel if his child gets into trouble for calling someone a cunt?

I swear, ocassionally, but not at the level that I did before children. You have to change. YABU only for backing down. It is not acceptable.

I had a similar problem with my partner. After I had my baby this continued for a while then I had a thought... What kind of woman did I want to be for my daughter? The type who accepted abuse and shut up or a woman who argued constantly with her partner? Neither was acceptable so I made him move out. After five weeks he had a good think, sought counselling and so far so good.

It's not acceptable and you know it. Who do you want to be for your daughter? It's hard I know but you must change it now. Good luck.

Agree LST although we don't use the 'c' word, even for a sweary mare like me it's the worst (in my world) so remains unused.

My brother lives in a different part of the country and there, it seems, it's no worse than piss.

I feel like washing my mouth out when I say it tbh. My mum would do more than catsbummouth

My ex partner called me a cunt on many occasions. He was verbally aggressive but never hit me.

One of the reasons he is now an ex...

We have thin walls. My delightful neighbour called her 12yo DD 'a little f-ing c- the other day at high volume. If your DH uses that language in front of your DD, I'd fully expect him to use it towards her too. Please make a stand.

It desn't matter tbh that it is cunt. It wouldn't matter if it was cow. He is in your face and shouting at you aggressively.
As other have said - all the good daddy stuff goes out the window when he does it and the fact that he dosen't think it is a big deal makes it far worse. Doing it in front of your daughter is appalling.

Have you asked him how he would feel if your dds future partner did that to her? Would he let it go with 'oh he just has a short temper' does he understand that he is showing your DD what to expect when looking for a loving partner.

All of that aside. Stop baiting and being sarcastic and point scoring when you argue. It is bloody childish. Saying mean things to each other ever so often is not the secret to a happy marriage. That is just a glib, meaningless get out clause for behaving badly.
You should treat the people you love the most the best. If he wouldn't get in his bosses face and call him a cunt then it is totally a choice.

Zombie - not at all. I would never ever dream of calling my DS anything of the sort and neither would DP. Each other yes. Dc no.

Is it good 90% of the time because you jet keep your mouth shut and back down though OP?

I agree with pag cow or cunt -doesn't matter which, it's the way in which it's delivered.

LST - maybe I'm making assumptions, but given OP's DH will shout & swear point blank at her in front of their 2.5 year old, unchecked what's to stop him shouting & swearing if he gets into a mega arguement with their DD in ten years time, or less?

Our DS2 is 2.5 yrs and picks up every new word and action going, if OP's DH doesn't see that a) his behaviour & language is out of line and b) it's very out of line in front of their child, he needs to be pulled up on it.

He'd be an ex from that moment on. You don't call anyone you have any respect for, a cunt.
It's all downhill from there.

No, not acceptable at all. My DH called me a cunt once during an argument, we were going through a very bad time, and almost split up afterwards. We got through it, and he would never dream of calling me that now, (and that was only once in 18 years).