To not get why a vaginal birth is so important to some people?

[Liketochat1]

Some mothers talk of the trauma and disappointment of not giving birth vaginally. Some say they don't feel like a proper woman or that their body failed them. For many this sounds very traumatic, for others moaning.
AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them? I've had 2 c sections and was only intensely grateful that I live in a country and in an age where there are gifted surgeons and resources available to perform these life saving operations. In other parts of the world women are dying in childbirth as they don't have access to these.
Am I so unreasonable to think this?

that's a really lovely story thunks

I really don't understand how anyone can decide that not understanding why or how something so emotionally and psychologically charged is important to some people is REASONABLE.

There are good VB and good CS experiences. There are bad VB and bad CS experiences. Actually, I don't think the manner of birth matters, particularly, but I do think that how a woman feels about the birth they have is fundamentally important to their future wellbeing.

So, OP in answer to your question:

AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them?

Then you're being VVVU indeed, in my opinion.

Because it really can be, and you should at least try and get it, if someone is talking to you about how they feel. It is the very opposite of reasonable not to.

But, to lay my cards on the table, I think a good VB, if it's what the woman wants, is generally a more positive experience than a good CS - even just in terms of recovery times and risk.

My experience is also that, even though it's definitely a painful experience (and my second was, but not agonisingly so, unlike my first) it can also be empowering and rewarding.

It isn't like that for many women, I know from personal experience, but I think it could be like that for more women if the support they received was better.

But I also understand that it's also not something all women want to do, because I have made the effort the get why that may be the case.

No-one should make someone feel bad about the birth experience they have, but equally no-one should make someone feel guilty or ungrateful because of how they feel about the birth they had.

Surely as mothers, we owe it to each other to try an be understanding of the complex emotions and feelings surrounding birth, of whatever kind?
That's the reasonable thing to do, surely?

db
xx

You don't need to 'get' why it's important for anyone to have a vb!
For me my entire pregnancy was a whole lot of decisions that seemed to happen to me-I lost control of my life.I wasn't ready and my pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected.
I found out I was expecting twins late in my pregnancy and my birth plan was one small way if getting my body and life back under control.
I was in labour for 15 traumatic hours before I had an emcs under ga,everything I hoped for again ripped away from me,left alone for my entire labour,my dp not able to see his own children being born.
My son in special care and relatives holding my children before I ever did.
Of course I'm grateful for my dc being here healthy and safe,but yes a vb was important to me.
Because of the experience I had I will never have any more children-I cannot face the experience again in hospital.
My birth was so far removed from what I hoped for and yes it may seem ridiculous but for me it's a pain that crushes me everytime I think of it.
hth

I loved giving birth, it was a truely magical experience not just for me but the whole of my family.

From 31 weeks we was all on tenderhooks as premuture babies born via EMCS are common, so for me to have a vaginal birth with no complations was an amazing experience for my family to not have 7-8 weeks of worry.

It was important for me to have a VB as i know they would have to knock me out and i wanted to hold my baby asap

Gosh... So many replies. I just got enough time to form a response. This is my attempt at being empathetic. I got into hot water posting something similar on a parenting website and was left to feel like the most uncaring, insensitive so and so in the world for not really getting it.
It seems that for some women the way they give birth is deeply important for some inherent reason that the rest of us may never really wholly understand. Does it matter that I don't feel the same? No. Is it really any of my business? No, except that I found the subject puzzling.
I do also think it would be useful for everyone if c sections weren't seen as failures or second best and if ante natal classes weren't so pushy about natural births. Let's face it, for many people this just isn't a possibility and there's no reason they should feel they have failed. I also do think every so often it is worth taking a step back and realizing how fortunate we are to live where emergency medical treatment is available.
Of course people can't help it if a c section Has left them feeling traumatized in some way. But it is worth remembering that vaginal births can be every bit as traumatic and sometimes take even longer to heal from physically and mentally.
My personal anecdote which may help explain my interest in this- I had a traumatic first birth which was vaginal. Induction, forceps, ventouse and third degree tears. The baby was back to back with shoulder distosia. He was literally pushed out by several staff pushing down on my belly.
After this I had my 2 c sections which were both far easier to recover from and not as frightening.
I guess my point is both birth methods can be traumatic, both can be amazing. Neither method nor mother is better or worse and I wish people didn't feel that they are.

mode of birth is hugely important and can impact upon mum mental health and self esteem
unfortunately birth is competitive for some if you've not given birth sucking trebor mint changing an incantation with a doula then you're not proper mum
I have never given birth vaginally,and the earth muthas did ask was I disappointed

Does this post have "Journo canvassing opinion" all over it?

I'm a bit cynical.

Maybe the OP is genuine , maybe not.

So you already posted on this and got into hot water?
You don't get why birth is an emotive subject despite 3 births yourself?
I wouldn't compare birth experiences as no two are the same,
mine however was one of the worst experiences of my life,recovery took months,and even 2 years later I still didn't feel myself.
I still get discomfort,have a very uncomfortable scar and tummy and am emotionally scarred forever I think.

Sorry posted too soon!
Something doesn't ring true with this

yes it's just another competitive thing to get uppity about
if it isn't birth mode,it's feeding,or sling,or when to introduce unconditional parenting
quinoamummies at baby group all thought the cs mums didn't try hard enough

Bluefrogs it enrages me that you should feel like that. I'm not angry with you of course, but with the fetishising of 'natural' birth that leads some people to believe that any other way is a cop out.

All births should be wonderful, even if the getting there is less than fairy tale.

I had an assisted delivery resulting in a 4th degree tear- I'm thinking CS may have been the better option for me. In all honesty I'd have felt less of a 'failure' if I'd been taken to theatre instead of having him pulled from me.

I actually think this is not about sections.

Yanbu, actually I get where you are coming from.

Why is it important to give birth vaginally? I don't know. I never felt the need and I don't understand those who feel a failure because they have a romantic idea about birth. To get baby out safety is the only concern.

Birth plans are only wish lists anyway.

I have not read the whole of this thread - yet, but as I was approaching the birth of my first, some 20 odd years ago, I was petrified of giving birth! When it finally came down to it, all that I was afraid of totally dissipated when my baby, who was almost eleven lbs, 'got stuck' and I had to have an emergency cesarean!

All that mattered to me was that my baby was okay!

I worry so much about ladies to insist on a home birth. No one knows what birth might entail and I was so relieved to be in good hands and so appreciative of the care I and my baby received. He is now a 6'4" strapping muscular and clever young man :) and I am unashamedly proud of him :)

Ok the cesarean was an emergency procedure and the recovery took a lot longer but I am immeasurably grateful that I had that choice!

I would not give a toss about how the birth took place as long as my child was okay! Surely that is what matters most?

Yes I did blue frogs and I found the method of birth more emotive for people than I thought. But I was left with nagging thoughts. Mums netters though have managed to give a variety of views and experiences which seem more representative and balanced than I read previously.

Before I had ds2, I'd have said YWBU. Now, YANBU. Though each to their own and I wouldn't tell another mother she was wrong for feeling the way that she does, whichever way that may be.

I had ds1 after 30 odd hours of labour, induced almost 2weeks late. He was eventually unceremoniously hoiked out in an emergency section and I barely got chance to look at him much less hold him before he was whisked away to SCBU. I was then left completely alone and very cold for hours afterwards, as dh had been sent home.
It was hideous and traumatic and dammit I felt my body had let me down! The one thing women are supposed to be able to do, the most natural thing in the world, I couldn't. I'd spent years being told i had 'child-bearing hips' and when it came down to it? Nada. I was shell shocked by the whole thing.

It never occurred to me to seek counselling for it, I wasn't aware it existed. I was diagnosed finally with PND when he was a year old and I strongly suspect his arrival was a contributing factor.

I was utterly terrified that the same thing would happen again when I was pregnant with ds2, that my body would again let me down and that I would feel even less of a woman than I had following ds1's birth.
My midwife was a superstar (thanks Judy!). She talked me through it (i guess as a counsellor would) and in the end ds2 was born by elective section. The experience couldn't have been more different, it was magical. There were two enormous differences though - ds2 was classed healthy immediately and after a quick wipe and weigh (in my line of sight less than a metre away) was placed naked onto my chest. The major one though was that I felt totally in control.

Maybe one day I'll get to deliver a baby vaginally but I know now I don't need to do that to feel all woman.

But breastfeeding is another of those awkward, difficult to explain things which is so much MORE than getting milk 'A' into baby 'B'. As birth is so much more than just getting baby from A to B.

They occupy a space at the intersection of the physical and psychological/emotional.

It's a tricky place, that.

Why is that? Natural or societal? Bit of both probably. Most things are...

db
xx

I wanted a VB at home because I have major issues with being in hospital, so was extremely grateful I managed to have what I wanted. I didn't want the start of my life with my son to begin with me being terrified and having PTSD flashbacks, which is what tends to happen in hospitals with me, due to a grim backstory I won't relate here.

Is vaginal birth a wonderful experience???

No always, in fact I bet not very often. My Ds1 was born vaginally and it was bloody knackering! DS2 by emergency section under general anaesthetic.

Personally I don't enjoy either way!

a vociferous minority have made bf and birth a competitive fraught thing
feed your baby,so long as it's not monster munch you'll be ok.so will baby
and some are competitive because they can be

But breastfeeding is another of those awkward, difficult to explain things which is so much MORE than getting milk 'A' into baby 'B'. As birth is so much more than just getting baby from A to B

Hmmm... I'm not entirely sure about this. I sort of get where you are coming from, but it is statements/beliefs like this which accumulate and help some women who neither had a VB or breastfed feel as if they have 'failed' somehow.

I had issues following my baby's birth, but that was down to being separated because she was ill than having a CS which, as another poster mentioned above, I was almost relieved to hear I needed as I was bloody knackered. Personally I was fine with having a CS; I have heard comments since about surely I want to have a "proper" birth next time.

Ditto formula feeding. We ff'd. I think that saying bf'ing is more than getting milk in suggests that there is a bond or something between bf mums and babies that is not there for ff'd babies. A statement like that could be a very upsetting thing for a lot of mums to hear.

Personally I feel that a lot of the reason why some women feel a failure for not bf'ing, not having a natural delivery is that there is so much talk about it, as this thread clearly shows.