Gosh... I thought this thread had gone quiet...
Blue81. Sounds like you've been trying to tough it out for a while. Trouble is, when you try to push a traumatic experience down, it doesn't go away it just goes deeper. There is this thought ? and it's been expressed on here by many ? that if you have a healthy child, then nothing else should matter. But it does.
fedupofsomecalledexperts explained so eloquently how and why that is.
In a way the fear in situation like this is double - fear for yourself but a double helping for your baby on top. It's also the kind of experience which can drag in a whole lot of other stuff from your past into the mix.
My 'trauma' started at 12 weeks when we were told DD1in all likelihood had a not compatible with life trisomy and offered a termination. It was badly handled at the time, which made a bad situation worse.
It took two weeks to get the all-clear on the trisomy, during which time I expressed wishes to 'not be pregnant', and huge guilt for feeling that about my child.
Once that was ruled out we were looking at 'just' an exomphalos. They thought a massive one, so we were facing a baby who would probably have to have drastic surgery shortly after birth, and pretty poor odds. In a weird way this seemed cope-able with after facing down the trisomy.
We went for a scan at 18 weeks to determine the extent, only to be told there was no longer any evidence of an exomphalos. No one could explain what happened.
I didn't cope brilliantly with the whole episode, to be honest, but spent the next 5 months trying to feel positive about the pregnancy.
Then throw is being two weeks overdue, 'failing' to go into labour spontaneously, 'failing' to respond to induction.
Then throw in uterine hyperstimulation (think a four hour contraction which didn't stop) due to the drug they used to induce me, (unlicensed for induction, as it turns out) awhen I thought I was going to die, but was told that I was 'failing' to handle the pain of labour, and to be quiet because I was on a postnatal ward.
Then a new consultant realising what was happening and getting an epidural in and further drugs to counter the effects of the misoprostil, then different ones to get the labour started again.
Then 'failure' to progress, and 'failure' to dilate, despite my managing to keep upright and mobile even with an epidural in. Frantically hip swivelling for 16 hours while DH propped me up so I didn't fall over.
Then DD1 passing meconium (probably due to the hyperstimulation), being told "you have an hour to make some progress or we're going to have to do a CS. It's up to you." (How? Exactly?).
Then being told "we're getting the baby out now". Some indecision about whether that would be a CS or forceps, being wheeled to theatre, and having her brutally dragged out of me with forceps, which took 40 minutes and two consultants on the other end of the forceps.
Being told I wasn't "making enough effort with pushing" and that I "HAVE TO HELP" get the baby out. I had been in labour for over 50 hours by this point, on the epidural for nearly 18 hours, so hadn't been allowed to eat. I was barely conscious and had no idea what was going on, really. But the general message form the consultant was that I really wasn't trying hard enough. (Have to say, the midwives were nothing but supportive and sympathetic, by contrast... but the damage was done.)
DD was fine, but I simply couldn't see how she could be. After all that, HOW could I have a perfectly healthy baby?
I had an extended 3rd degree tear, extensive vaginal and cervical lacerations, and spent an hour being put back together.
But yes, you're right. NO REASON why that should be traumatic at all. My baby was healthy. How selfish of me to be anything other than grateful and delighted. I ought to have, as someone said, gotten a GRIP.
And no, no offer of a debrief. After all, it was a perfectly straightforward birth, right? What could possibly need explaining!?
But second that the BTA are amazing. Instrumental in, quite literally, saving my life. After the thoughts I'd had during pregnancy, and then my many failures in labour, fast forward 6 months and I thought I was a total failure in every respect as a mother. She was a very colicky baby who didn't really sleep or eat. That, I figured was my fault too. I figured that my DD would be better off without someone who had wished her dead/gone at 12 weeks, and then very nearly killed her by being rubbish at labour and was clearly rubbish at being a mother...
Ot took a year of counselling and medication to get back onto an even keel. It was only really the birth of DD2, (and a more different birth you could not imagine) to really get my head right.
Blue81, do get help with this stuff. It's toxic, but you can get past it. It'll maybe always be there, and I still feel emotional when I talk/write about it, but like grief, it becomes less raw, and something you learn to live alongside.
Confuddled just (((((((unmumsnetty-hugs))))))). You've done so amazingly well and have had to deal with more than anyone should have to. I bet you're an amazing mum to your little girl.
db
xx
p.s. Kilmiur either you haven't bothered to read the thread or you are gobsmackingly insensitive. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and plumping for the former.