To not get why a vaginal birth is so important to some people?

[Liketochat1]

Some mothers talk of the trauma and disappointment of not giving birth vaginally. Some say they don't feel like a proper woman or that their body failed them. For many this sounds very traumatic, for others moaning.
AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them? I've had 2 c sections and was only intensely grateful that I live in a country and in an age where there are gifted surgeons and resources available to perform these life saving operations. In other parts of the world women are dying in childbirth as they don't have access to these.
Am I so unreasonable to think this?

I posted earlier on this thread that I was one of the many that didn't quite 'get it' and that a v birth to me wasn't any better or worse than a section. In my mind as long as baby was out and safe that's all that mattered.

But today for some reason (nearly 8 months after my emergency section under general anaesthetic) I have just broken down and sobbed my heart out! This thread has been gnawing away at me and I have finally stopped to see that yes whilst I am so so thankful that my baby is alive and well, his birth was the most traumatic horrific event in my life by far.

I remember being in theatre and the nurses putting a tube in my throat - at the time I was clawing at them as I thought they were slitting it! I then have no memory of anything and my first thought once awake was that my baby was dead.

I remember his dad bringing him over to me and me waving him away, I was in so much pain and couldn't grasp that it was my baby and that he was alive and well. I am in tears writing this, I honestly truly hadn't thought it had affected me.

Think I was so grateful that he was there and not dead, that I had buried my feelings and feeling 'cheated' wasn't an option for me.

Don't really know why I am writing this... just need to get it out. I now have severe post natal depression and I am sure his birth really didn't help.

I hope so. Think it will help. I have spent the last 7 months thinking everything was fine, even though it was apparent to everyone but me that it really was anything but fine! I have 'done' all the things I felt I should have - breast fed for 4 months exclusively and 2 more months combined feeding, took him to baby massage etc etc. Yet when I look at him, he could be anyones. Its like he isn't mine. Heartbreaking because I know I do love him but feel so detached from him.

Blue, I'm glad that this thread has helped you realise your feelings. I remember finding out about BT and crying realising that this is what was going on with me. I highly recommend you read the link I posted if you haven't already and try looking up the Birth Trauma Association, the have a Facebook group too. I used to breastfeed in the NNU and be chanting in my head "Only her mum can do this, so I'm her mum" trying to make it real.

I hope that this helps people who don't "get it" see that it's not as simple as not being happy with the experience or that you have a live healthy baby.

Thanks confuddled will have a look. I still can't help but feel I am being 'silly' and a bit pathetic. This is despite my friend who would have been my birth partner saying it was one of the scariest things she had seen. Obviously my friend and partner couldn't go to theatre with me, but when I came round they were there and I were lashing out at the doctors and trying to rip the IV tubes out of my arms. I don't remember that, just remember being in the worst pain ever and constantly asking "Where's my baby?" Even when I saw him it didn't help.

I too breast fed him thinking it would make me bond with him. It didn't work.

I have just read that back to myself and if it were someone else I would really feel so sorry for them. Why can't I accept it was horrible for me?

Blue I hope things get better for you.

I had a 3rd degree tear with my DS 8 months ago (large baby, big head, forceps) and although another vaginal birth could lead to serious long term complications for me I would rather not have a CS unless there is deemed to be a risk to the baby (not pregnant or even TTC but I think about this sometimes then try to put it to the back of my mind until it is actually a real consideration).

This is not because I feel that having a CS is an "easier" option or would make me less of a woman or mother but simply because the thought of a CS scares me as does the recovery from it. I found the recovery from my tear to be quite straightforward and I was feeling much better after a week, and back to my usual self within 4 weeks. I haven't had any issues as a result of this thankfully or I would definatly be optiing for an ELCS the next time

DesignerBaby I had a debrief with my conusltant at my 6 week check. This was not something that I requested and I got the impression that this was offered as standard.

To make things worse he was taken off me at some point the next day I think. Again I can't remember when, a complete morphine induced blur. He was taken to NICU as I had had gestational diabetes and his sugar levels crashed! He had to be fed formula via a tube up his nose into his stomach and my milk didn't start to come in for around 4 days after he was born. Sorry now I have started writing I can't seem to stop.

I felt like I had made him poorly and it was all my fault he was in NICU. He was fine four days after he was born and I was allowed to take him home but tbh I think they should have kept us both in longer as I was already showing signs of trauma and was very tearful - more so than usual. I couldn't think about how he was born and when people asked if he had been easier than my first I just cried and cried.

I am absolutely petrified of labour and birth now. It isn't an issue right now as I am single but the thought of having to go through labour resulting in either a v birth or section fills me with dread.

pinot I think I am the opposite. The thought of any labour petrifies me but I think a epidural and elective section would probably be my choice. Yes the recovery is grim but DS1 was a long drawn out labour with epidural and eventually v birth but it took me a long time to recover physically from that too. I just don't seem to do well at having babies.

The only reason I would think of having a c section is that I know whats coming and when so to speak and would be awake to see my little one.

I was very similar with the way I looked at the situation. Logically I knew this was my baby, logically I knew I wasn't babysitting/ mother wasn't coming back/ my baby was alive, logically I knew I wasn't going to harm her but I could never make it stick in my head.

It's a little like when I have a TIA (that sounds random!) I will be on the floor, sort of unconscious but aware of everything going on around me and thinking "Come on Confuddled, just get up and stop messing" but my body doesn't respond, my eyes don't open etc it's like what my brain and what my body knows are two different things.

Yes I understand that. Its like when people say "Oh you have two beautiful children" or "It's a lovely day, why not go for a walk?"

I can see I have two lovely children and I can see its lovely outside. I am not blind or oblivious to it but it doesn't seem to sink in. It's like I am trapped, looking out at the world but unable to join in. The fact that I have beautiful children or its a lovely day just isn't important. It's like they are talking to or about someone else. Horrible feeling.

Are the TIA's serious? Am I right in thinking they are kind of a mini stroke? Hope its not something that is going to get worse or cause you to be really ill.

I remember those feelings well!

They're not usually serious, can be anything from a little more than a faint to more like a severe migraine/ cluster attack, they shouldn't leave the same sort of damage as a stroke. I've had them since I was 13, probably around the time I went on the pill we didn't know until about 11 years later I'm a thrombophiliac. I'm quite fortunate really as thrombophilia goes, I have Raynauds, fibromyalgia and the minor symptoms like fog but it could be a lot worse. Could do as I get older, may not, I take Aspirin which should stop the worst of it.

confuddled You sound like you have a positive healthy attitude to it. Can't imagine it being much fun. Hope you continue to be relatively well. x

had 4 sections, feel no loss at not having a vaginal delivery. thankful for my children.
hope those that do can get help

I was prepared for c section but no theatre available. Babies heart coud not be found. This was after 10 mcs and one stillbirth. The consultant opened my cervix with his hand, without pain relief, and dragged my baby out. I feel the same as Blue. So grateful my DS is alive but still traumatised 12 years later.

kilmuir No better or worse method, if they have dragged out my baby vaginally whilst I was under anaesthetic it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. It was the trauma of thinking my baby had died etc that has had lasting effects IYSWIM

Blue, I'm in so many support groups where I see people who really suffer from it that I can't not have a positive attitude, mine is minor really.

Nutty, have you ever spoken to anyone about it? 12 years ago BT wasn't well understood and whilst it's not brilliant today people do actually know about it.

kilmuir, I think, like the OP, you've very much missed the point.

why have we missed the point, stop dwelling on what might have been and get on with the here and now. far too much over thinking of something you can't change
GET A GRIP

Really?!

GET A GRIP

Are you the sort of person that tells someone who is suffering depression to, 'cheer up, it might never happen'!

OP, I didn't understand it either until I had my first naturally. Then I completely understood what all the fuss was about.

Kilmuir Tad insensitive? A friend of mine had a very traumatic time - failed ventouse, forceps and all the stitches to go with it. She spoke to someone (through her midwife I think) and she said that one session made the world of difference. Just to be listened to and be told that it was ok to feel the way she did, to mourn the delivery she didn't have and to not be told to just suck it up and be happy that she had a healthy baby. If you're struggling with feelings like that, please ask to be put in touch with someone who specializes in helping - she called it a listening service I think.

kilmuir, I have PTSD after the birth of my eldest. You don't JUST GET A GRIP! Go and tell that to a solider and see what s/he tells you!

kilmuir You had 4 sections, any under general anaesthetic? Any when it was such a rush job your last thought before going under was "they are slitting my throat!" or anything equally as irrational but petrifying? Or your first thought when awake wtf is my baby? He is dead!

Er no I thought not!

I am not upset because I had a c section, I would imagine a planned c section to be ok (ish). I am upset by the experience of things going so wrong so quickly. It scared me silly.

Maybe I should just get a grip though!

I'm sorry ladies but I'm going to have to LOL @ "get a grip"

bigbuttons Meanie!

My last thoughts... "they're going to stop this and I'll go to term and not lose another baby" then when the doctor said "we need this baby out now" "I'm losing another baby!!!" then as I was lying in theatre listening to the anaesthatist who told me to concentrate on him and ignore everyone else, he told me that he would warn me before he started putting me under and then I'd feel him press on my throat, then he pressed on my throat without warning (no idea why!) which panicked me, when he put the mask over my face I panicked because I couldn't breathe through it (if you're used to a rebreather mask that doesn't seal your face and never been put under it's quite scary) so more panicking.

Then I heard Mum's voice, could feel her sitting on my bed next to me, and couldn't figure out what she was doing in my room! "You have a little girl" [I know I'm having a girl, what are you doing in my room?] "She has blonde hair and blue eyes" [huh? what?] "and is breathing for herself, they've just taken her down to the neonatal unit to look after" without opening my eyes, which still wouldn't respond "Can I see her?"

After 5 hours of "Can I see her?" "No, you need to have a wash first" "Can I see her?" "No, you need to eat some toast first" (I've just had a general!) "Can I see her?" "No, she's just having some xrays" they finally pushed my bed into ICU. As I waited for the staff to come into the room and show me my baby I went around the room in my head "No, that one's too big, that one's blue, that one has parents, that one is black... ok so which one is mine?" Mine was the one who was too big. She was clean, semi-dressed and covered in wires and tubes. I didn't believe them. She was too big! She was 4lb 2oz at 31 weeks, I expected a little scrap like whichever the latest soap horror story. Not my baby. No, my baby is dead and they want me to look after this one.

Yes, I'm selfish; my baby, my birth are commodities; I care more about my birth experience than the health of my baby. What a horrible mother I am.

confuddled Hugs. There will always be people who don't 'get it' and I suppose we should be happy that they don't as my story pales to insignificance next to yours and I know mine was bad enough. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, as I am sure you said earlier.
I for one am glad people have shared as I now feel so much better for just talking about it and realising I don't have to be ashamed of how much it affected me. So thank you x