To not get why a vaginal birth is so important to some people?

[Liketochat1]

Some mothers talk of the trauma and disappointment of not giving birth vaginally. Some say they don't feel like a proper woman or that their body failed them. For many this sounds very traumatic, for others moaning.
AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them? I've had 2 c sections and was only intensely grateful that I live in a country and in an age where there are gifted surgeons and resources available to perform these life saving operations. In other parts of the world women are dying in childbirth as they don't have access to these.
Am I so unreasonable to think this?

cheated not chested!!

Thanks Mig, that is good to know.
another one of my hang ups. Had huge problems bf with dc1 because of tongue tie and very much wanting to get a better start with dc2

PF dsmage occurs in pregnancy if you do not maintain pelvic floor exercises and watch your weight. Rarely there can be genetic/physiological reasons. But the fact is that pushing a large object through your vagina, no matter how stretchy, will affect the PF more than a CS. And it was and is very important to me that I can jump, cough and laugh (even at same time) without pissing myself. I despair at women who feel it is something they should just put up with as an inevitable consequence. Go to the doctor and get help.

YOu are allowed to feel the way you do Alpha but really I do think you need to talk to your MW you have failed at nothing talk to somebody

OP, I felt exactly like you after having DS1 by ELCS (for breech). In fact, I didn't understand the vbac natal hypnotherapy cd when it kept saying about baggage from the first Caesarian. I really had none; no regrets and absolutely no desire to give birth naturally. Then, after much debate about recovery times etc etc, I went for a vbac with DS2 and had a very quick and fairly easy labour. Suddenly I got it. I was very proud to have laboured and given birth in a way that I wasn't with DS1 and I'm actually grateful that I've had that experience. Now I know what it's like I wouldn't be averse to another CS for hypothetical DC3

YABU - You had 2 c-sections and that was what worked for you and you're happy with it. Great.
I've had 3 vaginal deliveries, 2 at home, no tearing etc. I enjoy giving birth; the idea of a section with everything that can go with it (hospital stay, possible infection, not being able to drive for 6 weeks, having to run around after 2 toddlers while dealing with a newborn) don't bear thinking about.
I grateful that I live in a country where a section would have been available if medically necessary but from what I've seen from friends who've had them I glad it never was for me.

I went to visit a friend of mine just after she had her son by CS. She was devastated by what she saw as her "inability" to give birth "properly" having planned a completely natural birth.

She told me she didn't feel like a proper mother.

I pointed out that not only had I not had a "proper" birth for my son, I hadn't even conceived him (he was adopted), but that if anyone told me I wasn't a proper mum I would go ballistic.

I think that some people's expectations are unfairly raised and we can never know how birth will go. It's why wouldn't admire anyone for having a birth with no intervention, I'm more inclined to just think that they are very lucky.

Ironically when I had ds2 myself, I ended up with a section.

Alpha

Tongue Tie is such a specific issue with it's own implications and challenges for BFing. Please try not to worry that you will experience something similar again.

No it doesn't sound silly at all alpha. I think you should discuss how you feel with your midwife/consultant and see what you can come up with together.
Don't feel like you're failing! You've already created and birthed one baby! That's amazing in itself. Good luck, and I hope you have the pregnancy and birth you want

x

I've had to VBs and the first was nearly a CS. In hindsight, I'm glad it wasn't because it would probably have made it far harder to have a VB the second time, getting 'permission' is something I've realised people have trouble with quite often after a first CS.

And sometimes you get classed as high risk as well, which isn't very fair. So you have to go into hospital even if you have a VBAC.

I hated being in hospital, hated the intervention and all the control being taken from me.

I was lucky and I wouldn't ever judge anyone for having a CS - very often the choice is taken away from you, and you can't do anything about it.

The only good thing about a VB is being able to do it at home, and a faster recovery - I'm scared in case I need a CS this time, because I am single and have no one to help really if I'm not able to drive for 6 weeks or lift the baby or whatever. It'll be really hard to cope.

That's all really. OTOH my pelvic floor is none the better for two VBs.

Alpha, I had no problem breastfeeding after a c-section - I had a v-shaped pillow and did a lot of the early feeding rugby ball style, but otherwise it was grand.

Yanbu, if I didn't have a section my baby would have died, u would feel much more guilty about that than about not have a natural birth.

I think women are sold this wonderful experience of child birth tbh, we are supposed to be happy glowing new mothers with the perfectly cute baby, shiny hair and a natural childbirth where everything goes swimmingly. It gives us a false illusion of what is acceptable so if it doesn't go to plan we feel like failures. As mentioned upthread, a bit like FF versus BF.
YAB a bit U to not understand other peoples desire for a VB though.

It is all down to personality and what's important to you. Personally, I can honestly say now that DSs are 13 and 10 I don't give a second thought about how they arrived into the world. Or whether they were bottle or breast fed.

After my first CS which was an emergency, I was offered the option of VB which i decided to try. I didn't have to argue, persuade etc etc. There was no problem with accessing VB until my uterus and urinary bladder ruptured during labour. Thankfully we both survived and I still have no problems with bladder control despite a 3 cm tear, a stay in ITU and a real scare for the baby's father. Despite all this, after both CS's I mobilised faster and more comfortably than many Vaginally delivered mothers with tears and epi's. I recovered fast and suffered no side effects. And perineal stitches/tears can often become infected-check hospital rates for this, especially bearing in mind their close proximity to the anus.

Are you being unreasonable? Um well yes and no. Before having my second child I was the same, didn't understand the big deal. Baby is out simples! But after having a emergency section under general anaesthetic with DS2 I can sympathise with people who feel cheated or robbed of a natural birth.

Personally if I were to have another child the thought of labour would petrify me, not because of the pain but because I now see just what can and does go wrong. I would most likely have an epidural then if there were problems I could remain awake and see my baby when born.

I was really traumatised over DS2's birth. I kept bursting into tears when I thought about how he could have died.

My point is that although I now don't care how he was born, the fact he is safe and well is all that matters, at the time it was awful and I can see how people think if only it were a natural birth.

I think I missed a day at mothering school where they explain the point of a 'natural' birth. I've never understood the concept that it's somehow empowering or wonderful. I think some people buy into it heavily. Surely the main object is to get the baby out with as little stress and upset to the mother and child as possible? After months of carrying a baby around I'd have been quite open to the Alien delivery method.

Yes NarkedI think getting the baby out in the safest way is the main thing.

I do feel a little disappointed that ds3 was born by emcs

I really don't want to have another section although I might have to, it depends how far a go this time. I think my cut off time will be around the 35, 36 week mark.

I'm sure an elcs is a better experiance than an emcs, I really don't want another prem baby in nicu and me trying to drag myself down to see him feeling like death though.

Just to point out my 'natural' birth with DS1 wasn't much better as in labour 23 hours and needed epidural as he was in distress and they needed to sppeed it up or it would have been c section for him too. Its just such an emotive topic for some women.

I'm sure these women are also grateful that they and their child have survived. But they can still feel unhappy about the circumstances, can't they?

^this

I was told aged 16 that I would never be able to give birth naturally. I accepted it and breathed a sigh of relief that I would never have to endure the pain of labour.

DD was born almost 9 years ago, by ELCS. It was a truly amazing experience - so calm, such a lovely medical team and I felt great afterwards having built myself up to imagine the most horrific pain and post-op trauma. Obvioulsy there was pain etc, just not as bad as I had imagined.

So, DC 2 is on the way. I find out that actually, research suggests there is no reason for me to have an ELCS, I should be able to give birth naturally (currently in the process of finding out finer points/risks etc).

It turned me on my head, really shook me up. I want to experience labour, I have a deep rooted desire to know what it is like to physically bring life into this world.

I will never, ever, let my desire to experience this outweigh any medical advice to go for an ELCS though - I am not stupid or willing to risk mine or my baby's life.

I have a deep rooted urge to labour naturally. I can't explain it, I shouldn't have to in all honesty OP.

So yes, I feel YABU from my point of view, with what is going on/has gone on in my life.

I don't feel less of a woman for having a c-section either. It is a major op, i felt pretty bloody amazing for getting through it actually

narked same here any which way will do :)

If I couldn't crap I'd be HUGELY grateful for a colostomy.

If I couldn't walk I'd be hugely grateful for a wheelchair.

If I couldn't give birth out of my vagina, I'd be hugely grateful for a s-section.

But I really wouldn't want one (or a colostomy or a wheelchair) unless I needed one.

And actually I'd be hugely pissed off if I suspected that what I'd had was an emergency 'unnecesarean', (ie, avoidable c-section), just like I'd be hugely pissed off if I ended up having any other sort of avoidable major surgery.

Colostomies not usually done for that reason, Shag