To not get why a vaginal birth is so important to some people?

[Liketochat1]

Some mothers talk of the trauma and disappointment of not giving birth vaginally. Some say they don't feel like a proper woman or that their body failed them. For many this sounds very traumatic, for others moaning.
AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them? I've had 2 c sections and was only intensely grateful that I live in a country and in an age where there are gifted surgeons and resources available to perform these life saving operations. In other parts of the world women are dying in childbirth as they don't have access to these.
Am I so unreasonable to think this?

YAB a little bit U. I had to be induced at 36 weeks as dd hadn't grown since 32 weeks. I had 2 painful inductions which sent baby into distress, followed by a v painful unsuccessful attempt at a doctor breaking my waters. As dd was in distress I was then given an emerg c section. My dd was born healthy, but I was not given the option of skin to skin & she was whisked of to NICU after 2 hours & stayed there for 10 days. I felt guilty at not being able to carry her to term or give birth naturally & although I am obviously v grateful to the medical intervention, it is a difficult thing to come to terms with.

I've had 3 vaginal births followed by 1 CS and frankly I think vaginal birth is deeply overrated. I agree with you, OP. Am very grateful that we are lucky enough to live in a country where we have access to modern medical intervention.

I'm still cross at the idiot who told me after my first child was born by EMCS that I really should try VB next time, so I know what it's like.

FWIW, I went for ELCS second time round, because the tiny glimpse of labour I had meant that I really didn't want to go through that again.

I had 2 sections followed by 4 vbacs. For me the vbacs were way way better. It matters to me that I have had 4 successful and easy vaginal births. I felt a sense of empowerment I never got from the sections. The sections were done to me but I gave birth vaginally.

one of the yogamummies asked why I'd not bothered with vb
I thought I'd tell of of fetal distress,preeclampsia,but shed already made mind up
I confirmed this by telling her yes cs made it easier to return to work quickly.she believed me

Having experienced birth via both exits I can say I found neither method preferable and it's had no effect on our bonding. I remember ex-mil coming to see me in hospital and getting really hyped up over how I had been 'cut' and crying over the fact I didn't get to do it 'naturally'. The midwife got shot of her for me!

I have also had a doula friend over analysing my birth experiences and suggesting how it could have been different - whats the point? I didn't have the luxury of being able to ponder over the alternatives when I had both of my EMCS, I had a GA and missed the show twice!! I had my middle child vaginally and it was just as scary. Whats done is done, it's one day in your life and you can't allow it to define you as a mother. What matters more is how you handle the next 18+ years of being a parent. I have offered for said Doula friend to be my birth companion if I ever have child no4 as I think being there at a csection could be a really valuable experience and may open her mind a bit.

I think YAB a it U, OP.
People are allowed to feel how they feel and not have to stifle their emotions.

I had an emcs with my DD and, whilst I was immensely grateful that we are both alive and healthy - an outcome that wouldn't have happened had we not been lucky enough to have access to fantastic medical care - I still felt sad about the birth.

In my naivety I had 'planned' a birth with as little intervention as possible- dim lighting, water, very low key and intimate. The reality of my body not working as it should, resulting in my daughter's first glimpse of the world being a cold, white, brightly lit room, surrounded by 16 strangers was distressing. I felt like I had failed her and not given her the first experience of the world she deserved.

As time has gone on it matters less and less but I still think those feelings of disappointment were valid ones and anyone who tells me how I should be feeling can bugger off, frankly.

I was only a teenager when had my first by emergency section after long labour and failed intervention. I never expected to have one and was a bit shocked. I found it hard when people made comments such as I never actually gave birth and such like. I felt I had 'missed out' on the experience. Recovery was awful although straightforward.

Fast forward two years and my second was born by VBAC. I was elated. I felt I had 'done it' and was so proud. Bonding etc was so much easier. I bf for longer also.

Fast forward many more years and by then I had had 4 full term normal pregnancies (3 sections amongst them and 2 VBAC) 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths. After that experience I learned that how the baby was born didn't matter a jot but having a live baby was what mattered. Even after my twins birth involving a VBAC AND crash section of twin 2 with huge blood loss and further surgery, I didn't care as was just grateful to have two live babies.

So I guess it depends on what you have been through as to your perspective. Overall I can see why some people feel let down by not having experienced natural birth. On the other hand when you have suffered multiple and late losses your view may change as to its significance. My 3rd section was planned and I bonded with the baby just as much and the birth was every bit as magical. Perhaps as I was going into it prepared and as it was the only option for me (having already had 2 sections and having a cervical stitch in situ).

I wasn't really that bothered either way as long as the baby was healthy I didn't care how it was born.

I wasn't really that bothered about bfing either. I planned on bfing with both babies but wasn't too fussed if it worked out.

If I'm perfectly honest I tend to steer clear of people with strong opinions on childbirth/feeding.

Interesting thread - haven't read it all I must admit.

I had an ELCS 4 weeks ago due to medical history. I've known for years I would prob be having CS if I got pregnant so haven't ever expected to labour / have VB and so haven't found myself 'mourning' a VB.

What has surprised me is that anyone could imagine a CS is an easy option. I've been taken aback by how painful the recovery has been - first ten days were really bad and now in the last few days I seem to be having more pain as internal stitching tightens / nerves recover on outside. The whole idea of being too posh to push is utter nonsense. I've had surgery before (reason for CS) and recovered very quickly but this is very different and has been a shock. But as one of docs in hospital said, "People throw around the idea of having a section very easily but we really do class it as major surgery." And I finally understood what he meant

Scottishmummy think I might have been forced to headbutt yogamummy if she had made that remark to me in the first few pain deranged days post-CS :o

And as for BFing it has made no difference to that whatsoever - I fed DD within 90 mins of CS and she feeds like a raptor!

haha,yoga mummy had made her mind up already I simply threw her a bone
to confirm the just succumbed to knife couldn't be bothered to push theory
twas funny as she had the thought as much face

I found a few of those at yoga too Scottishmummy. The yoga teacher was just plain weird she felt sorry for me that I hadn't experienced the "magical" experience of childbirth and she tried to get me to relactivate ds even though I had stopped bfing about 6 months previous. I don't dwell on things, I wasn't bothered about the csection and bfing at the time and I certainly wasn't that bothered about it 6 months down the line!

jelly I agree with you. I've had 2 mc and one loss at 20 weeks . Im 24 weeks now and have a stitch, however mine will be taken out at around 35-36 weeks.

I've been far more worried this time about getting to viability, 24 weeks today! And hopefully further than how I will eventually give birth. I probably won't know until later in the pg if it will be elcs or vbac

jelly I agree with you. I've had 2 mc and one loss at 20 weeks . Im 24 weeks now and have a stitch, however mine will be taken out at around 35-36 weeks.

I've been far more worried this time about getting to viability, 24 weeks today! And hopefully further than how I will eventually give birth. I probably won't know until later in the pg if it will be elcs or vbac

Nellybluth

"Hmmm... I'm not entirely sure about this. I sort of get where you are coming from, but it is statements/beliefs like this which accumulate and help some women who neither had a VB or breastfed feel as if they have 'failed' somehow? Ditto formula feeding. We ff'd. I think that saying bf'ing is more than getting milk in suggests that there is a bond or something between bf mums and babies that is not there for ff'd babies. A statement like that could be a very upsetting thing for a lot of mums to hear."

Sorry nelly when I said MORE, I didn't mean 'more' as in 'better' but more as in 'more complex'.

I'm not sure why women feel so strongly about so called 'natural' births (and while my first was vaginal, there was nowt 'natural' about it, I assure you..) and BFing. I don't know how much is societal pressure, how much an innate, biological 'need'. I don't even think women should feel this pressure, wherever its comes from, they certainly shouldn't be made to feel bad by anyone else about their outcome.

I just know that many do, and many struggle when things go differently from what they'd hoped/imagined. And we should all do our very best to understand why they feel that way, and be prepared to support them through it, no matter what our own experiences or beliefs on the subject.

And that doesn't usually involve blithely telling them they should just be grateful that they, and their child is alive and that nothing else matters. Becomes sometimes, for some women, and for whatever reason, it really really does.

Sometimes those feelings are a matter 'life and death' too.

I was very lucky that DD1 and I survived her birth. But I was also bloody lucky to survive the PND and PTSD that followed it.

db
xx

three cheers for Latara who put it much better than I could have!

so true Nelly...

I had an emcs and a vbac and I have to say I really wanted the vbac though I couldn't really tell you why. I'm glad it worked out, even with a 3rd degree tear and resulting complications.

Short term, the vb was far easier than the cs, but it took me much longer to recover completely.

If I was to have DC3, I'd go for elcs though.

"Brand new Babies don't remember how they were born & don't care.
They don't care if they get breast milk or formula.
They don't care if they have to wait hours after the birth to meet you"

Are you suggesting that how a baby is born and fed has no impact whatsoever?

How do you know?

None of us can really know the many subtle ways our early experience might impact on our development.

(though that said, there have been some interesting research recently flagging up higher rates of atopic disease in babies born by c/s).

And saying that early nutrition has no impact on babies in the short, medium or long term? It's just not reasonable to say that on the strength of current evidence!

Congrats Moomin my 3 year old is a stitch baby too!

I guess it goes to show how different women can perceive things.

I am inordinately proud of having had 2 cs and never giving birth vaginally. I would quite happily tell people. The implication is my fanny is pristine. It is.

I kiss the ground everyday thinking I never had to push anything out from my vagina that was bigger than what went in. Having 2 beautiful children without the pain and uncertainty of labour - it is like winning the lottery twice over. And I will gladly leave this earth never having to experience natural birth!

I resent that bigbuttons implies i didn't give birth to my 3 babies by cs and that it was done too me.

A cs is not an easy option - you grt the pain after rather than before!

I maintain that others can feel as they lile but please dont imply i wasnt the one who grew and gave birth to my babies

AnitaManeater "Having experienced birth via both exits I can say I found neither method preferable and it's had no effect on our bonding."

Same here, if anything I bonded quicker with my DS2 after having c section. Probably because he was my second and I knew what to expect with a new born.

Both births were traumatic but I honestly don;t have a preference and I don't think I have failed either my children or myself by having shitty birty experiences.