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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pretend that state school is not so bad...

502 replies

RichTeas · 23/10/2012 16:46

We are in an area with no shortage of preps and indies; the state schools are not bad, but for us, definitely not the preferred option. Yet it looks like it's going to be state all the way through. So far DS (Y3) doesn't have any idea of the types of schools that exist, as we have never openly discussed it, but I expect soon he will be clued up enough to question the system he finds himself in. It feels disingenuous to fib that we're happy with just a state education (when we're not), yet we don't want him to grow up feeling he's missed out by over-egging the independents. I suppose it could be worse, he could be in private and then forced to come out, but the issues is the same I wonder how others explain this kind of mismatch...

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 23/10/2012 19:53

wiggly it wouldn't occur to ds that I pay for the school he goes to. Just as it wouldn't occur to children at state school to know their parents don't pay for them to go there. Why would you discuss the cost of schooling with your children? Ds doesn't know that he goes to private school. He just knows the name of it and where it is.

oldenoughtoknow · 23/10/2012 20:06

Parental input and enthusiasm are most important by far. My two State-educated daughters achieved excellent GCSE and A level results, attended top universities and are now beginning professional careers. A privately-educated ex-boyfriend of the youngest dropped out of Uni after two terms and is currently unemployed. If you transfer your "dissatisfied and second-best" attitude to your son you are doing him a great disservice.

HanSolo · 23/10/2012 20:07

Mummytime- I cAn only speak for the schools in my LA, but I know for a fact that the independent schools all employ qualified teachers only- they all publish full staff lists, with quals, in their prospecti, they're proud of the fact that they do.

PedanticPanda · 23/10/2012 20:09

My sons state school is excellent. My friend went to a private school and left in 4th year (not sure what year that would be in England, but that's when you choose to stay on at school or leave), and went to state school for 5th and 6th year. He says the education was just the same and he hated the strictness of private school. He left 6th year and went to a good university and is now in a great job earning good money.

strictlovingmum · 23/10/2012 20:10

Social dimensions will be more apparent
You say area where you live has all state schools, so majority of children you DC has contact with are also going to a local state school and majority of them will make transition to secondary school together, I still don't see you point/problem.
TBH I don't even know how an 8 year old has any notion of state/bad v independent/goodHmm schooling, unless you discuss this in front of him day in- day out, concentrate on you child's academic achievements and his social development instead of trying to damage him by inferiority complex to last him a life time.
DS 17 state educated all the way, now at A2 stage at our local excellent/ state 6th form, didn't damage him , not a bitWink in fact he is doing very well, he never new his school was freeGrin
DD 6 at excellent co-ed indie, expensive one, she likes it and we like it, can afford it, but DD has no idea her school costs money, none whatsoever, all she wants to be is as smart as her big brother, in fact we are seriously thinking of switching DD to state from next year.
I can still afford it, I just don't want to pay anymore, it isn't necessary. School dow the road is just as good, I also feel our DS got a good grounding and social balance thanks to state schools he attended, I am not sure if my DD will get the same opportunity/normality balance if she stay at indie where she is atm, she might turn around and ask us for ponies, now that we can't affordSmile.

wigglybeezer · 23/10/2012 20:12

Bisco, if your child goes to a state primary with children who move up to the local private school at 10 or 12 then your children do tend to ask why they aren't going too and, if you believe in being honest, you tell the truth (or almost the truth, didn't tell DS1 that he wasn't academic enough!).

I was pleased the girls didn't know their parents were paying as I have also come across a minority of children who have boasted about their parents' ability to pay (one obnoxious little twerp in particular who goes to Scouts with my boys).

The danger with not telling children that their school is fee-paying is that this can lead to unfortunate assumptions about the state school being for thickos and the independent school being for clever kids, (unfortunately I have met a child who made this assumption (presumably his parents told him he was at his school as he was too clever for the other school).

Luckily most of the children from both sectors I meet are too well brought up to mention it.

wordfactory · 23/10/2012 20:16

I told my DC just how much their schools cost when they went to secondary.

I felt that it was one of those facts of life that shouldn't be overlooked. Like the cost of housing and how much salaries are...

wordfactory · 23/10/2012 20:21

I should say though, that my DC wouldn't mention the cost of fees outside these four walls.

Last Summer their cousin asked them outright how much their schools cost (his Mum must have told him they were private) and they gasped and shuddered and fudged.

thebody · 23/10/2012 20:22

Hilarious op, sorry havnt read the whole thread but presumably you can't afford private education?? So what's the problem.

Let me break it to you gently, a good state school is BRILLIANT!!

My 4 have been to the local schools,2 at uni and 2 now at high school. Very successful and aspirational kids.

School has excellent results and beat the local private school in lady years GCSE results( local paper made a lot if this)

as for your comment on 'SOCIAL DIMENSIONS WILL BE MORE APPARENT' I wouldn't worry,

Unless you can afford Eton or harrow etc you may as well not bother, they would spit on your 'private school'

Backtobedlam · 23/10/2012 20:24

I don't see whether the school is private or state as an issue. Ds is in primary, but has friends at several different schools, and also different years. He asked once why he didn't go to the same school as one of his friends, and we answered that it was because we'd chosen his school and x's parents had chosen a different school. He was happy with that, and I don't see any need to point out who pays and who doesn't. Id imagine as teenagers they will find out more about cost of everything, but wouldn't see this as any different to people living in different size houses, or driving different types of cars. What suits one person/family doesn't suit everyone, whether that's down to income, lifestyle choices, location, anything really.

exoticfruits · 23/10/2012 20:26

I can't see the problem. You just tell him you can't afford it. My parents couldn't afford to send me, we couldn't afford to send ours. 93% of the population don't send them-the majority because they can't afford it. It is just a fact of life.

There are great state schools and dire ones-same with private-there are some rubbish ones there too!

lljkk · 23/10/2012 20:27

Is this angst just because OP can't afford private and doesn't want people to know she can't afford private? Confused. Isn't that a normal situation for 90%? Why does it need explanation?

AbbyRue · 23/10/2012 20:27

Someone said there's a lot of sweeping comments on here re both state v private. That's true.

There are good and bad state schools just as there are bad ones. My DCs go to a great prep IMO which has been great. They actually don't know that we pay fees and see their school as the same as their friends who attend state.

OP, if you can't afford it, leave it and be content with what you have and/or improve as you see fit (if its 'bad of course')

wordfactory · 23/10/2012 20:28

I don't think there is any shame in a parent saying they can't afford somehting. Surely our DC should understand this concept?

motherinferior · 23/10/2012 20:30

Well, you might find your child goes to school with poor children - really poor, not bashed-up-Volvo-poor, and children on free school meals, and ones who don't speak English at home and ones with special needs...

...and even worse, he might not have a problem with thatShock

MummytoKatie · 23/10/2012 20:30

When I was ten me and my parents had a conversation about private school. Basically that I could go if I wanted but mum would have to work full time, we wouldn't be able to go in any more nice family holidays and I would need to get (and keep) a scholarship. We all agreed it was a bad idea, I went to the local comp, got 4 As at A level, got into Cambridge, met dh (another comp-camb-er) and lived happily ever after.

I understood that some people could go to the private school and go on nice hols. I also understood that some people went to the comp and still didn't go on nice hols. I was smart enough to know there are more of the second than the first.

Not sure what your worry is?

thebody · 23/10/2012 20:32

But why teach a young child the price of everything and the value of nothing?

nkf · 23/10/2012 20:33

I don't understand your dilemma. What are you worried about? If it ever comes up, can't you just say why you didn't send him to private school? Whatever the reason. It's not going to be shameful is it?

exoticfruits · 23/10/2012 20:35

Since over 80% of the population could say that they didn't have a private education because their parents couldn't afford it I can't see why it is the least shameful.

exoticfruits · 23/10/2012 20:36

If I had the money I would use it for something more useful anyway-and find excellent state education.

echt · 23/10/2012 20:38

I don't think money/shame is the issue for the OP, it's about the fact that she doesn't believe state education is good enough for her child, if I've interpreted the post correctly. Concealing this attitude from her child seems to be her problem.

wordfactory · 23/10/2012 20:41

Sure echt but I bet there's not one of us here who have wanted to offer somehting to our DC but not been able to because of time/money/logistics etc...we want our DC to have it, we'd dearly love our DC to have it...but ya know, shit happens and life aint perfect.

DC can know this stuff and be fine.

Iodine · 23/10/2012 20:45

Why would your DS even ask why he doesn't go to a private school?

SugariceAndScary · 23/10/2012 20:47

So what I can surmise :

You are posh but can't afford to go an Independent.
You think your Child will stand out at your local Secondary and he will resent you for sending him there?

Shouldn't it be about his learning ability and adapting to his surroundings if you can't find the money to pay for private.

He may thrive at his next school and do exceptionally well, Don't despair OP.

My ds3 is extremely bright and would love small, well behaved, like minded classes of children but that's life as we can't afford to give that to him. Suck it up and do your best!

Mintyy · 23/10/2012 20:48

Having to state educate one's child is NOT the result of shit happening.

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