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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pretend that state school is not so bad...

502 replies

RichTeas · 23/10/2012 16:46

We are in an area with no shortage of preps and indies; the state schools are not bad, but for us, definitely not the preferred option. Yet it looks like it's going to be state all the way through. So far DS (Y3) doesn't have any idea of the types of schools that exist, as we have never openly discussed it, but I expect soon he will be clued up enough to question the system he finds himself in. It feels disingenuous to fib that we're happy with just a state education (when we're not), yet we don't want him to grow up feeling he's missed out by over-egging the independents. I suppose it could be worse, he could be in private and then forced to come out, but the issues is the same I wonder how others explain this kind of mismatch...

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 23/10/2012 17:16

Was it your expectation that you would be able to afford it? What went wrong?

Tbh your son will only know its an issue if you make it one.
Don't mention the private school just talk in positive terms about the state one

KittyFane1 · 23/10/2012 17:17

RichTeas Ahh, stop fretting. Your DC will have to mix with all sorts of riff raff as they go through life. I doubt that they will be completely ruined by the experience.

Asmywhimsytakesme · 23/10/2012 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

difficultpickle · 23/10/2012 17:17

Ds is in yr 4 and has only recently discovered that there are schools that are free and schools that you pay for. He has no clue about the difference between the two and neither do his friends. He would only have a clue if I told him, which I haven't as he hasn't asked. He knows which schools his friends go to but wouldn't know whether they are private or state.

Viviennemary · 23/10/2012 17:18

There is no point in agonising over state v independent if you cannot afford private education. Would you move house to get into a catchment area for what you considered a better state school.

Hulababy · 23/10/2012 17:19

My DD is in Y6 of a prep school and loves it and is likely to go on to an independent senior school. However not once has she said that she looks down on state schools - why would she feel it wasn't as good.

Even in Y6 DD wouldn't do that - she isn't brought up to. As adults, DH and myself wouldn't do that either - we both went to state schools and did very well in them, and I have always taught in state schools too.

DD has come into my school on a few occasions and her only comments about it, other than it feeling very big because her school is tiny, are very positive. She likes the atmosphere, the environment, the work the children do, etc. Her friends go to different schools, many in state schools. It has never crossed DD's mind that their school/school life is in any way worse or not as good as hers.

DD does think her school is best but only in the same way that many children think their primary school is best. Children at my school thing their school is best too. Happy children like the school they know best, the one where all their friends are.

AMumInScotland · 23/10/2012 17:20

Do you and he spend a lot of time around private school children then? Because that's the only way that I can see that he'd be questioning the fact that he's at a state school. For most people, it's the normal default position to be at state school.

At some stage he will become aware that private schools exist. If he asks why he isn't at one, you say "They cost a lot of money". Unless he is miserable at his state school then it isn't going to suddenly become an issue.

I think you are projecting a world-view onto him which he is just not going to develop, because he won't be growing up with the assumption that state schools are crap and all "decent" parents send their children to private. So he's not likely ot have an issue with the school he is at.

Startailoforangeandgold · 23/10/2012 17:21

DD would love to go to her BFs independent school, not for what the school offers, but because BF is there.

She knows that we cannot begin to afford it.

Roseformeplease · 23/10/2012 17:23

Move to an area like ours where all kids just go to the local school, no one thinks that there is anything else and sit back and relax! I too was independently educated but there are brilliant schools out there in all sectors. Just tell him you are sending him to the best school you possibly can. There is a lot of evidence that private schools are going to have to work very much harder to get kids into Universities in the future. He may well do far better without the handicap of an independent education!Wink

eBook · 23/10/2012 17:26

If he asks why he's not at an independent school, just say that 93 per cent of children don't go to them.

RuleBritannia · 23/10/2012 17:26

If you have a grammar school within reasonable distance, wait until he has the opportunity to the entrance exam and send him there if he passes.

Until then, forget about a more academic education. Lots of comprehensive schools are superb, sending pupils to Oxbridge and Russell Group.

I do understand though because, experience taught me that grammars and independents have a way of giving their pupils a finesse or polish that comprehensives don't.

Mintyy · 23/10/2012 17:26

I live in an area absolutely brimming with independents and quite a lot of extremely wealthy people. We drive around past vast green playing fields and fleets of liveried school minibuses Grin.

Some of the friends dd has made at her state primary have gone off to independent schools at the year 5 or year 7 stage and I just tell her that schools like those are a luxury that very few people in the country can afford. I tell her it is something like 7% of the population, I'm not sure if that is still accurate now?

Anyway, she is perfectly able to understand this without question. She knows we are comfortably off but has no trouble processing the fact that being well paid (as her father is) and actually wealthy are two very different things.

Your ds understands the concept of luxuries and income being finite, does he?

PropertyNightmare · 23/10/2012 17:30

If it your preferred choice but you can't afford it then just tell your ds that if and when he asks. I am rather confused by why you are looking for answers when the truth will explain it rather nicely!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/10/2012 17:32

I don't mean to be dismissive of our genuine worry, but I really think this is a complete non problem.

I don't think children in years 6,7 and 8 worry about the differences in schools as much as you think they are going to, and by the time they properly understand the differences between types of education they are also old enough to understand the differences in people's finances.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 23/10/2012 17:42

As a teacher in a state school I would just add that whatever you decide to do, make sure you embrace it fully.

if you can't do that then you do risk not being able to maximise your child's experience. School really does work at its best with a strong relationship between the teachers and parents.

I remember working in south London where there were quite a few parents with a chip on their shoulder who, at every turn, we're looking for 'proof' to justify their position. You can imagine what that did to the behaviour and attitude of their kids!!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 23/10/2012 17:43

Were (stupid auto correct!!)

Mintyy · 23/10/2012 17:47

I'll tell you something else op (I'm sorry but your thread title is a wee bit insulting and it has slightly pissed me off) - many many state schools really aren't so bad. They are good or excellent! And even the ones that seem on paper to be only satisfactory nearly always have something good to offer.

wordfactory · 23/10/2012 17:55

I think we all face times when we would like to offer our DC this or that but can't due to finance, circumstance or logistics. Yes we feel bad but we have to let it go pronto or it festers out of proportion.

Tailtwister · 23/10/2012 18:04

Tbh I don't think it will bother him as long as he's happy. My parents were desperate for my to go to an independent school, but all my friends were going to the local state school and I wanted to go too! I didn't think about the quality of education or the opportunities of the independent school. I don't think children think that way.

You have to make your decision and accept it. If you don't, you will always feel badly about it and your DS will pick up on it. Be positive and support him as much as you can at home.

Btw, my brother and have done better academically and in the work place than my DH and his sister whose education was independent throughout. I don't necessarily think that independent is better. In a lot of cases it isn't.

Dominodonkey · 23/10/2012 18:16

Why don't you tell him you are sending him to a state school because that is the place where all the teachers actually have a teaching qualification?!

seeker · 23/10/2012 18:19

This is up there with the most offensive thread titles I have ever seen. Did you think that everyone on mumsnet uses private schools?

WileyRoadRunner · 23/10/2012 18:21

OP why are you unhappy that he is in state education? That's the key thing - is it something you can resolve by signing him up to clubs etc or is it more than that?

PosieParker · 23/10/2012 18:24

Mine go to a very nice state primary, I just helped at my nephews party (he goes to a private school). I was shocked at the difference in manners, really shocked. All the Priv. kids were incredibly polite and it has to be the school as both sets of parents have similar jobs, live in similar areas.

usualsuspect3 · 23/10/2012 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poozlepants · 23/10/2012 18:27

Do you really think all private education is better than state? In some cases maybe in others not. My MIL taught in both the private and state sector and says the state schools were far better and they were bog standard comps. I know of people who spent a fortune in getting their kids a private education at a top school and have regretted it. I know of 2 people who were used as unqualified teachers at very expensive private schools . Just because you are paying for it doesn't make it better.
Most of the people I knew who dropped out of University after first year were privately educated. They were coached to get through their school exams and then just couldn't cope academically when they got there.
But then maybe it's not about academic results. Maybe you think people who are educated privately are a better sort than the rest of us.
Quite topical really 'pleb' being the mot de jour.