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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think you might do?

128 replies

porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:24

if you were in your mid-thirties and didn't have a partner (and were unlikely to meet one?)

I ask because I have been pondering my options for some time now and I am desperate to have children but can't decide whether to "go for it alone" or to accept that I probably won't have children.

The latter makes me more miserable than I can even express but I can't decide if going it alone is selfish?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/10/2012 18:26

If i were in my mid 40's I would worry, in my mid 30's I wouldnt get too worried just yet..

catgirl1976 · 21/10/2012 18:28

My DSis is in this situation

I want her to try to relax about it but as she points out this is easy to say from the position of a marriage and a child so I am aware that probably sounds very patronising.

HeinousHecate · 21/10/2012 18:28

I would find a way to have a child by myself. I would look into the possibility of a clinic.

I have been in a situation where I have been so desperate for children that I have ached and cried.

Having children is always selfish Grin we don't do it for them, bringing them into this shitty world, we do it for us. Cos we want them.

If you really want a child, then find a way to make that happen, if you can. If you wait for the ideal situation, then as you say, that may never happen.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:30

Squeaky - honestly? Everything I've read tells me I should start worrying because fertility declines after the age of 35, as well as a myriad of other potential problems Grin

To be honest I think it's highly unlikely (I can't say 'impossible' of course because you never know and all that) but it really isn't very likely I'll meet a partner, so part of me things if I am going to go it alone I may as well do it now as later, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
LonelyCloud · 21/10/2012 18:33

squeakytoy - the average woman's fertility starts to sharply decline in the mid 30's.

It's sensible for the OP to be thinking about it now - if she leaves thinking about this to her mid 40's it may very well be too late for pregnancy to be an option, whether she 'goes it alone' or has a partner.

OP, if you are thinking about going for it alone, what's your support network like? Do you have family and friends nearby, who might be able to help you out with a LO?

catgirl1976 · 21/10/2012 18:35

I would go for it on my own I think

Even with a DH / DP around at the conception there's no guarantee you wouldn't end up on your own anyway. If you want a child and you feel you could manage without a partner (and lots of people do very sucessfully) then, well, go for it and good luck.

pumpkinsweetie · 21/10/2012 18:36

Depends on what you really want deep down?
If you really want a baby, i would say go for it now-visit suitable donor sperm clinics as if that is what you really want time is not on your side.

But as with everything you need to be absolutely sure before you go ahead with it, aswell as vice versa.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:38

Thank you :)

Support network ... hmm, not brilliant if I am truthful. Lots of amazing friends - family not so great, we aren't a big family and they are very far away. Plus, I really don't think they'd approve or understand at all.

I'm absolutely positive I want a child, I'd just feel absolutely terrible if they grew up to feel I'd deprived them of a father and that they'd missed out because of this?

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 21/10/2012 18:38

And Catgirl makes a very valid point!
A man doesn't always stick around for his woman let alone a child.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/10/2012 18:39

Personally, I wouldn't have a child if there was no chance of it having two parents. Obviously life happens, and children can be ok with only one parent, but it's far from ideal.

I think the future child's needs are more important than the adults, and I think it's selfish to have a child because your want to, rather than because you are in a position to offer them a good life.

AntoinetteCosway · 21/10/2012 18:40

I would look into adoption. (Is it allowed if you're single? I hope so.) I have, in the past, felt desperate to have a baby and also felt desperate to have DH's baby. Without DH in the mix I think I'd feel it was right to adopt. (Not that it would be wrong to have IVF I mean, just a good thing to do to give a baby a home who needs it.) I know that probably doesn't make any sense.

chipsandmushypeas · 21/10/2012 18:41

What are you doing to meet someone? Do you go out, socialise, online date, speed date?

tanfastic · 21/10/2012 18:42

If I could afford it I'd go on my own. If the feeling was so strong I don't think I'd leave it to fate tbh. I never had my first until I'd just turned 35. Got pregnant straight away. Tried again at age 38 and i'm 39 now and we've all but given up. Plenty do get pregnant late thirties early forties but I wouldn't leave it that late if I were you.

Purplehonesty · 21/10/2012 18:43

How about trying Internet dating to meet a partner if you are worried about going it alone. It's a good way to meet people you wouldnt ordinarily meet in your area/life
I wish you luck in finding a partner and in having children, it truly is a blessing. On the other hand life was simpler before the dcs and I don't think I could 'go it alone' it's really hard work and you need someone to give you a break IME.
My sister is a single parent since her fuckwit husband left her and she finds it very hard and very lonely. She can't go out after her ds is in bed and all her friends are married so she doesn't see them that often.
But if you have family around you and can afford the practicalities like work/childcare then it may work.
So that wasn't much help was it?!

Trills · 21/10/2012 18:43

If you decide to have a child alone, please find a donor from a reputable source. Don't go out and shag randoms.

I don't think having two parents is as critical as some make it out to be, and having one crap parent and one good parent is most often worse than just having the one good parent.

CommandoBlueberry · 21/10/2012 18:44

I met my husband when I was 34, I'm 38 now and we have two children.

I made it a mission to stop dating dicks and I laid my plans out early - I made it quite clear that if children weren't in his view I would continue dating other men.

financialwizard · 21/10/2012 18:45

I think I would adopt. Probably not a baby either.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:46

Antoinette, I've looked seriously into adoption and unfortunately have concluded it isn't for me. It is allowed if you are single, but it's very difficult because they don't really like you to work full time which obviously if you're single is difficult to get around!

Then so many children come with additional needs that would be very hard to cope with all alone, and the process itself is so very stressful and invasive.

Plus, and perhaps this is selfish, I do have a very strong urge to have my own child, to experience pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeed.

OutragedatthePriceofFreddos (yes, they have gone up in cost now you mention it!) that's an interesting point. I do feel I tick all the other boxes, so to speak, it's just the one stumbling block of 'no other parent' that I can't seem to get over.

OP posts:
Trills · 21/10/2012 18:46

But if you would rather do it with someone, you could probably try harder than you are currently to find that someone. Try internet dating and be very clear about what you want - that'll weed out the timewasters.

honeytea · 21/10/2012 18:47

I'd go for it on my own, kids really don't need a dad.

Talking as someone who grew up with a single mum kids don't miss what they have never known, my mum had/has great single mum friends and we had a fantastic childhood. There wasn't much money and I think it was hard on my mum having kids alone but then I think having kids is hard no matter what situation your in.

My mum now has a partner and another child and I think she liked it better when she could make all the decisions and be the only parent.

Good luck :)

AlexanderS · 21/10/2012 18:49

I can't advise you on whether or not to go it alone - plenty of people do and seem to make a success of it, only you can decide what is right for you in that respect. What I can do is advise you, if you decide to go down the sperm donation route, to contact the Donor Conception Network, who will be able to talk to you about exactly what this would involve, practically and emotionally.

TiAAAAARGHo · 21/10/2012 18:49

I'd go it alone. If you want to it is possible to arrange to coparent, or you can go the fertility treatment route.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:49

Purple - it was, I really appreciate all the replies :)

I've tried Internet dating - absolutely no joy whatsoever though! Increasingly, I'm finding that the sort of men I would like to marry are already married/in a relationship, and generally speaking have been for some time!

I'm not a hugely social person - well, that's misleading perhaps, I am friendly (I think!) but I don't have a busy social life because, ironically, my friends are mostly now married with children! So i can't see myself missing going out in the evenings as I tend to stay in with Corrie and a cup of tea anyway!

Trills - don't worry, have never shaggeda random in my life and don't plan to start now!

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 21/10/2012 18:49

Have you considered finding a co-parent, a gay male friend for example.

ThatBloodyKnid · 21/10/2012 18:50

I have no doubt that I would try and have a child, even without a partner. I was always certain that I wanted children and would have 'gone it alone' if necessary.

Good luck with whatever you decide!