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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think you might do?

128 replies

porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:24

if you were in your mid-thirties and didn't have a partner (and were unlikely to meet one?)

I ask because I have been pondering my options for some time now and I am desperate to have children but can't decide whether to "go for it alone" or to accept that I probably won't have children.

The latter makes me more miserable than I can even express but I can't decide if going it alone is selfish?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AlexanderS · 22/10/2012 10:18

Oh gosh, oh gosh, I've just come back on this thread and some of the things that have been said on here are deeply worrying!

OP, you say that you wouldn't want to adopt a child because they'd always have another family out there somewhere that they might want to contact, the implication being that if you had a child using a sperm donor they wouldn't. Well, I'm donor-conceived and you couldn't be more wrong. I very much consider my donor's family my family and am actively searching for them. Donor-conceived people in this country have a very tough time because of the attitude that donor conception is in some way different to adoption, and they therefore are not entitled to the same rights that adopted people (and people conceived the normal way) are. Just think about it. Would you like not knowing who your father (or your mother) is?

That's why I have to beg you please, please, do not go abroad for treatment, or have sperm delivered from abroad. In the UK donors have been identifiable since 2005 - what that means is donor-conceived people born since then will, once they turn 18, be able to go to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) (or whatever body replaces it, if it is replaced - the government have it in their sights for their 'bonfire of the quangos') and find out their donor's name and contact details. Make no mistake, this is frigging brilliant. Donor-conceived people needed this, they needed the option of finding out where they come from should they wish to do so, and they fought damn hard for it. As far as I'm concerned, parents who circumvent this law by going abroad are extremely selfish (and doing something that should be illegal).

You might have heard that there is a shortage of sperm donors in the UK and that waiting lists are shorter abroad. This is a myth, see www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/sep/19/sperm-donors-shortage-market-forces for more details. Even the waiting lists for egg donation are not as bad as the clinics, many of whom have lucrative contracts with the clinics abroad that they "recommend", would have you believe.

CaptainVonTrapp · 22/10/2012 10:59

Porridge Did I understand right - you got no responses from OD? would you consider letting someone else look at your profile. And perhaps rewrite it? Could this be the problem? I'm just really surprised its never got off the ground for you when its successful for so many people. That is if you want to find a partner rather than pursue the alternatives.

Personally I wouldn't go it alone just cos I know how hard its been even with someone else around. But if you feel physically and emotionally strong enough to do so then I doubt you'd regret it.

Good luck and fwiw I think you may be worrying a bit too soon.

HissyByName · 22/10/2012 16:33

So, ONE date, in your life? And you throw in the towel!?

My boyf had extreme anxiety in his 20s and ended up marrying his first proper gf. (ok, that was a disaster in the end) but he's not given up, and we're both 10 yrs older than you.

You seem to want things without actually conforming or even trying.

I'm a LP, my ex does FA. But my DS HAS a dad, a useless abusive one, thousands of miles away, but he knows where he came from.

I agree that there are situations where donors/insemination are appropriate, but I genuinely think you are not trying hard enough to find a partner. You may even be looking at a child as an aquisition, a right perhaps.

That's not right. At least TRY to give the child a family?

I don't think your thinking is mature enough on this subject. Sorry, but I don't.

LonelyCloud · 22/10/2012 16:44

I agree that in an ideal world, the OP would find a fantastic man who wants kids and get pregnant immediately. But life isn't always as convenient as that.

The thing with trying to find a partner first is, say you meet a suitable man tomorrow, and it all goes swimmingly.

He's unlikely to want to start TTC immediately. Planning a child with someone is a huge committment. You're most likely looking at a period of months, or maybe even years, before both parties feel the relationship is secure enough that they both want to TTC.

The OP is keen on having kids - this likely time lag before TTC is something to consider, if she does decide to try looking for a man first.

LonelyCloud · 22/10/2012 16:46

I also agree with previous poster's suggestions about getting your fertility checked out as a first step. Hopefully that might give you an idea of how much time you have to conceive.

youarewinning · 22/10/2012 16:49

Go for it if it's what you want and can provide for the child.

I'm early 30's and would love more. I do have DS who's 8yo and had all these plans for mine and XP's future with more children (actually so did he! Hmm). DS has not seen his father for 5.5 years now.

I think considering the best laid plans and children at a younger age can also mean a child doesn't see their father going it alone is not any different - in fact this child won't have a father to lose iyswim?

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 22/10/2012 18:06

A lot to think about here, thank you. Just a couple of points.

Alexander - I don't plan to use an anonymous sperm donor. I plan to either use a clinic in the UK or use donated sperm from a known Internet source who will know the child but will not parent him or her.

Hissy, no one has thrown in the towel but I don't think you seem to be reading what I'm saying too closely. In years of school, college, university, work and hobbies, of trying Internet dating, of meeting friends of friends, I have had one date. I'm not throwing the towel in because of one date, I'm saying that for whatever reason I am not appealing or attractive to the opposite sex. Why? I don't know - why is anyone attractive to anybody? But I have never once had someone show an interest in me.

In some ways yes, my adult life has been isolated but that's (honestly!) not because of a lack of social skills. It's because I've had a variety of things life has just chucked at me to deal with which meant that the prime time for socialising passed me by a bit. I do have many friends who I value and who, I think, care for me too.

I haven't exactly given up on finding somebody but as LonelyCloud succinctly pointed out, even if I were to meet someone tomorrow, time wouldn't be on my side. I don't think that is immature.

OP posts:
honeytea · 22/10/2012 18:31

You may well find someone when you have a child.

You don't need to be able to chat up men to be a good mother what a silly suggestion Hmm social skills and flirting are not the same thing.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 22/10/2012 18:34

Yes, I may well do honeytea - I'm happy to meet someone I could love and grow old with but I'm also happy to stay single. What I know, have always known, is that while I could stay single and be content for my life, I couldn't be childless and content.

OP posts:
AlexanderS · 22/10/2012 18:56

Well, that's good. In that case I would go down the clinic route to ensure your and the baby's safety. Do think about getting in touch with the Donor Conception Network, they have some lovely single mum members who will be happy to advise/support you.

When you said you'd had one date I thought you meant you'd only had one date since starting internet dating, I didn't realise you meant one ever (and no boyfriends either. Coz I think I've only ever been on one "proper" date but I've had boyfriends). It's an unusual situation to be in, and it would be understandable if it was having a negative impact on your self-esteem. As I see it, really there are two separate issues here: the absence of children and the absence of a partner. Maybe you'd benefit from having a chat with a counsellor about both, before making any decisions?

Don't blame you for not wanting to pursue internet dating - I tried it several years ago and it was brutal. In my case I know exactly what was putting potential beaus off - as soon as I sent them my photo I never heard from them again! I'm not that fugly, honest...

aufaniae · 22/10/2012 20:31

"What I know, have always known, is that while I could stay single and be content for my life, I couldn't be childless and content."

I think you have your answer :)
Are you mad to consider going it alone? IMO the answer is absolutely not!

Have you seen the film Juno btw? It's just a film, nothing to do with actual real life, nor anything to do with your decision of course! But this thread has reminded me of it, I wonder if you might enjoy it.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 22/10/2012 20:54

Thank you :) No, I haven't seen Juno - will have to check that one out!

OP posts:
lovebunny · 23/10/2012 22:56

porridge with almond milk is probably very nice. it's good with a small spoonful of almond paste at the bottom.

bumpybecky · 23/10/2012 23:25

porridge, do you have any really good friends? someone you trust to be honest with you, while managing to be tactful? If you do, would you consider asking them if there's anything you're doing that's putting men off?

From what you've written, you seem to be very articulate, you sound fairly calm and reasonable, and like a nice normal person :) I find it really hard to believe that you've not had any interest at all from men (not doubting what you're saying, just not understanding).

Autumnbatcat · 24/10/2012 00:12

Do it. Without a doubt, you'll regret it if you don't.

But I'm perplexed as to why IVF is even mentioned - unless you have significant fertility problems why would you need it??
Donor sperm is selected for its quality so as long as you're in good health then there shouldn't be a problem.

Am alternative, to take the time pressure off, would be to freeze your eggs, but if you want a baby now then that's irrelevant.

My friend's sister was in the same position as you, had artificial insemination (which is nothing like IVF) and has a four year old. I struggle to think of a happier woman.

If the clinic you approached was unfriendly, find another. Donor conceived children are v common these days, and another clinic will be happy to accommodate you.

Good luck - I feel great happiness and excitement coming your way!

lucyellenmum · 24/10/2012 00:24

my friend had a turkey baster baby, we all thought she was barking, she has a beautiful beautiful little girl, shes 3 now and they are blissfully happy. She is financially independant (v good job) and has supportive parents to help with childcare but it was absolutely the right thing for her to do.

I don't know how she went about it but she did it by artificial insemination, i woudlnt begin to know where to look for this, but she did and its all good :)

lucyellenmum · 24/10/2012 00:25

I think this is far more healthy approach than getting pregnant by a man who you have only developed a relationship wiht in order to have children. i know thats kind of hte point, but if theres no love.............bad news

bringupthebabies · 24/10/2012 01:22

Was your friend helen on the archers? Grin

Do it OP.Children need love and stability - if you can give yours that then you're doing as well as anyone else and much better than some.

My advice would be to look into finding a good childminder that will be up for support any other odd out of hours times needed too eg if you were ill, or needed for an emergency. Also sound out friends' attitudes - some might love the chance to be honoury aunts/uncles.

midseasonsale · 24/10/2012 01:40

I think I would be looking at having a baby on my own. I wouldn't be leaving it too late either due to possible infertility worries. I'd be booking the sperm and working out my ovulation dates to get a move on.

Kiwiinkits · 24/10/2012 04:16

[Offers help in reviewing/rewriting OP's internet dating profile]

Kiwiinkits · 24/10/2012 04:17

[Please, please, pleaaaaaasse can we MNers help you rewrite your dating profile OP, pllllleeeeeeeease]

Gingerodgers · 24/10/2012 05:37

Not read whole thread, so I might be x posting. Do you have any male gay friends who would father a child for you? An involved dad, but not a partner. Works for lots of folk. Any way good luck, it's a road I'd have gone down if things had been different.

ettiketti · 24/10/2012 05:39

My good friend went it alone, she has two beautiful girls from donor sperm.

She does have a great support network, but a full time +++ job that takes her all over the workday, so needs it.

I'd go for it, being a single parent isn't at all bad, in many ways its easier

ettiketti · 24/10/2012 05:39

world! No idea where workday* came from!!

musicalendorphins · 24/10/2012 06:33

Someone I know, younger than you, decided last year she would to go to a donor bank and have a child alone. She had given up on finding a partner. (she had been married but her husband died) She bought a house by herself, specifically with the goal of raising a child in it.
Wouldn't you know, she met a nice guy right afterwards and they are talking about marriage now.

No point to that story, just felt like telling it to you. I say go for it! If you are able to provide for your child, why not? Good luck.