to ask what you think you might do?

[porridgewithalmondmilk]

if you were in your mid-thirties and didn't have a partner (and were unlikely to meet one?)

I ask because I have been pondering my options for some time now and I am desperate to have children but can't decide whether to "go for it alone" or to accept that I probably won't have children.

The latter makes me more miserable than I can even express but I can't decide if going it alone is selfish?

Any thoughts?

porridge if that's selfish then I reckon 99.999% of the population of the world is selfish. Good luck-I hope you have a house full of children soon

Thanks Antoinette - maybe not a house full I would love two, though ... one other reason why I'm thinking now rather than in 3 years time.

Co-parenting is a possibility. I've been browsing various sites and there does seem to be an option where the donor is not anonymous but is not involved in the child's life either (only as a distant figure) which may be best, but I am not sure.

I contacted a fertility clinic in the summer and they were really rather offhand with me which put me off a bit. That might just be a one-off, though!

I was 34 when I met my husband. Now approaching 37 and first baby on the way.
Make an effort to meet new people. Internet dating may be worth trying. Let people know you are looking for love, flirt a lot. There are lots of lonely hearts out there waiting to be found .. But you've got to put yourself out there! Don't give up, you're still young!

I have tried Internet dating but it really hasn't been successful for me! Thanks, though.

I would go it alone or co-parent with a gay couple who wanted a biological child of one or both partners.

To be totally honest ......

If you get to your mid 30s your chances of finding 'Mr Right' are very, very slim, not impossible but very slim. Nearly all the good ones are taken (there weren't many to begin with) and the majority of men are looking for younger women.

Plus, you are very likely to end up raising the child on your own anyway, even if you do find someone at this late stage. Well over a third of partnerships will end. And even if you do find someone who stays with you it's unlikely he will do much to help. Generally they can't be bothered.

I would go it alone if I were you.

random suggestion but if you are at all interested in computer games online games are a great way to meet lovely shy and geeky single men. I met my DP playing a computer game and he is the best!

Go for it on your own, look into clinics, or adoption, or whatever. But do it ASAP, because your fertility is declining all the time.

Above all, DO NOT wait around for a man.

By all means, try internet dating, try going out and meeting men through groups, mutual friends etc. But if you know you want a baby, I don't think you can afford to wait for the right man.

I have had several friends in this position (we are all now 40-ish) and it's a pretty bleak picture I'm afraid.

Friend 1 is early/mid 40s. Was single for a long time, finally met her lovely DH about 5 years ago. They have been TTC for a couple of years now, as yet unsuccessfully. Her age is a factor, and it's possible it might not happen for them.

Friend 2 met her DP through internet dating 2 years ago when she was 38. She has ALWAYS wanted children. They are now engaged, and preparing to marry in 18 months (she will be nearly 43 by then). He doesn't want to have children til after they're married I doubt very much it will happen.

Friend 3 was with her DP from 29. He kept saying he wasn't ready for kids...yet. He ended their relationship last year. She is now 40, feels she has missed her chance, and wishes she had split with him 5 years ago when she was young enough to have a chance at a family...

Friend 4 is 39, and going through donor insemination. She has had several attempts, and has been told that although it MAY still work, her chances would have been better had she started 3-5 years ago.

From my friend's experiences, waiting for a man isnt always a good idea, once the right one comes along, he may not be ready. Or it may be too late :(

For my part, I had a baby following the briefest possible relationship in my 20s. My DS's dad doesnt know he exists. I went through the whole pregnancy alone, I have no family at all. I don't regret it, I went ahead with the pregnancy because I never felt sure enough I'd meet anyone, knew I wanted a baby, and didn't want to risk what might have been my one chance. The only thing I would change is that my DS lacks a father figure in his life, he has no male role model whatsoever, and I am sad about that. But overall, I would urge you to go for it :)

(sorry that was so long!)

Happybubble, to be honest you've largely confirmed what I thought anyway. I know there's some really good eggs out there but they tend to be snatched up early.

I'd really far rather raise a child alone than have the complications of divorce and shared custody I think.

Honeytea, I don't know anything about computer games unfortunately :) thank you though!

I would look into clinics and doing it by myself. I would work crazily hard to make sure I had savings and the best chance of staying in decent employment, and then go for it.

Thanks, hatesponge - really appreciate it that you took the time to share those experiences with me. Thank you.:)

I would go for it on my own.

I know I would - the urge to have a child was (for me) very strong. And I know i could have coped on my own if I had to.

I think I would prefer to go clinic route than "one-night stand" route, though . Unless you have a gay friend who you could talk to about this?

I don't think it would work with a friend unless they were gay or were pretty certain they weren't likely to have children with another woman, because the whole thing would get very complicated.

Oh, and I agree it's not a good idea to actively look for a partner in order to have a baby.

There will be two possible outcomes: firstly you will scare them off by looking desperate, or secondly you may end up "settling" for someone who won't be a good partner for you, simply because they will agree to having a baby.

Neither is a good outcome.

Jesus, I might as well top myself now happybubblebrain!

Nah, there are men out there just don't look at the current dating thread no really don't look at it and I met a nice one online. I threw him back in the end, but there are good ones out there.

Plus, as you get older you will find, as I have, that the married menz are getting divorced and are back out there clutching much baggage looking for a second chance.
And yes, men in their 30's do tend to want younger women. So date younger men.

The difficult thing, imo, about dating in order to find Mr. BabyDaddy, is that it sort of clouds every step you take, and on the first date you are wondering if you should keep your own name, or take his.
It puts too much pressure on the whole thing.

Should you go it alone?
I would give yourself a time limit, say another 2 years. Date, have FUN. Go out with men who are not so great on paper but that make you laugh.
IME the great on paper men were always duds, and the bald dude in the corner turned out to be a fantastic dancer with a huge cock.
If you do end up becoming a lone parent,, the best of luck to you.
It's not easy, and you need a thick skin, but nothing beats the cuddles at bedtime.

I know at least 4 single guys in their 30s who are single and lovely, lots of men settle down later on.

I would go it alone. My sister has just turned 30, she's had several disastrous relationships in her 20's. She's desperate for children. I know if by the time she's 35 she hasn't met anyone she'll be going it alone. She'll be an amazing mother. You should go for it.

Thank you.

Please don't worry, I'm seriously not considering a one-night stand! :)

I'm not really looking to just date as I've only had one date in my life and it was a bit of a disaster! I don't do very well at meeting the opposite sex which really is why I am in this position. I'm still quite a nice person though (honest!) and I think I'd be a good mum.

I was considering having sperm 'delivered' (for want of a better word!) from abroad - Europe specifically, it seems in Scandinavian countries it's really very accepted or so my friend who lives in Norway tells me.

I would go it alone without a doubt. I have been best friends with two gay guys (they arent a couple) for many many years. Id probably broach the subject with one of them. If not, use a sperm donar. IMO better to have a loving involved father, but I certainly dont judge those who go it alone with sperm donars.

Oh god don't have a viking baby if you have the choice ;) they are massive!

Hahaha honeytea, that did make me laugh! Really?!

You lot must have more gay friends than me - I can only think of one and lovely as she is she is very female so she wouldn't be able to help in this respect! I need someone like Marcus the midwife from Corrie, I think, sperm donor and birth partner rolled into one :)

they really are, the babygrows here in Sweden are nearly double the size of the same age uk babygrows!

There was an interesting co parenting collum in the guardian about a single woman and gay par parenting together it was really interesting, maybe worth a look :)

I don't want to sound picky but something you said earlier about adoptive children often having additional needs. So do birth children.

That doesn't mean I think you shouldn't go it alone. Just that you shouldn't have any preconceptions about what you 'get'.

No, not at all Wilson, I do know what you mean. I'd have to cope to a large extent with what I got. My worry however is that if I was to adopt (and I did look seriously into it at one point) the chances of getting a very young child would be remote at best. Chances are I would have a child of at least school age who had been through the care system and had a variety of behaviour and social problems.

It could happen with my own child of course but more of a 'blank slate' as it were. But that isn't the only or even the main reason I am reluctant to look at adoption - it's one of them. It's a very salient point though, thank-you.

Hi no idea if this helps but:

Friend of mine, who met nice man, was with a trying for kidss... ahe fell pregant aged 36. SHort story - he left when she was 10 weeks pregnent and he has made no contact.

I tell you this partly becuase you could wait and wait and still be as you are now, whether you meet a chap or not. But mainly becuase she and her gorgeous, well adjusted and happy son have a brilliatn life. She has friends but she moves around ltos with work so doesn;t have on tap sitters etc but she has made a wodnerful home, career and family with her and her son.

If you were my friend I would say go for it. We are so lucky to live in a time where science allows to to have children seperately from meeting a partner. I think it must be very complicated to involve another couple - who has them at Xmas, who pays for piano lessons etc etc.

Whether you are single lady or in a couple - Can you provide a stable, loving home for your child? Is it wanted? Are you happy with the 'sacrifice' [personally i feel sitting in watching Corrie knowing your little one is happy in bed is worth more than going out etc]

You go for it!

No body has a child unselfishly. Surely its better if it is something you really really want!