to ask what you think you might do?

[porridgewithalmondmilk]

if you were in your mid-thirties and didn't have a partner (and were unlikely to meet one?)

I ask because I have been pondering my options for some time now and I am desperate to have children but can't decide whether to "go for it alone" or to accept that I probably won't have children.

The latter makes me more miserable than I can even express but I can't decide if going it alone is selfish?

Any thoughts?

I would go it alone. I never knew my father & don't feel I missed out (my grandad is fab)

I started saving some money when I was in my late 20's so I would be able to do it if necessary when I was around 35. Luckily I got together with DH when I was 30, married at 33 & had DD1 when I was 34.

Hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

Thanks so much :)

Seriously? You've had ONE bad date and want to go for sperm donation?

How idiotic! you're desperate, and that's what you're putting out there. Decent single guys will run a mile.

You WILL only attract NSA's, married and potential abusers. Lose the vulnerability and get back out there!

Relax, have fun, go out and have dates. No expectations, no emotional investment, only IS THIS MAN GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME?

You are in the PRIME of your life, no longer a silly girl, but a woman, with real thoughts and feelings. Love yourself, be proud of who you are.

GET BACK OUT THERE! Have faith and you WILL find someone for you!

If lil old me, 10 yrs older, single mum, not in the greatest shape, former agoraphobic, ex DV victim can find someone, YOU bloody well can!

You had a bad date, I went out with 4 guys one for a month (weirdo, had to call the Police etc) then met the guy I'm with for the last 6m. He's honestly the nicest person I've ever met! I'm so blessed, and you can be too!

I'd have given my eye teeth to rewind back and not make the heinous error I made in my 30s, thinking no-one would have me, and ended up an a 10yr abusive relationship.

Believe in yourself
(((hugs)))

I think I'd go it alone in your position. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you don't sound particularly keen to have a partner but would like dc. Don't be put off if one clinic is off hand. It's only one person from the organisation you've encountered. It's not for them to make your life choices.

If I'm wrong about the partner aspect, two of my close friends have found people around your age in the guardian dating via the newspaper.

It is hard, even with two parents, if you don't have much support. But if that's what you want and you're prepared for it, why not.

Hissy, I think you've misunderstood what I'm saying a bit I had one bad date and that is the only date I've ever been on in my entire life. I haven't ever really been what you could describe as a man-magnet. I really am not desperate at all, if I was, I'd be dating/jumping on anything male but as it is, that doesn't apply to me at all.

I had a lot of bereavement in my teens and as a result had to take over a 'mother' role to a sibling in my late teens and early twenties so never did the dating thing my friends did. I was also bullied quite badly by boys at school as I was a bit ugly then truth be told (have grown out of it now )

Mudipug, thank you - I've tried guardian soulmates twice and mysinglefriend but just haven't ever had any luck from dating sites. I mean no luck, either, no interest at all. Not sure why!

Sorry I don't think the OP's idiotic AT ALL - it's totally sensible to be considering sperm donation at her age - she's doing the absolute opposite of chasing after any guy who might give her a baby. Or ending up like my friends, in the right relationship (maybe) but too late in the day.

Donation, clinics etc takes all the urgency out of it, the pressure to find a man in X no of months/years. And no reason why the OP won't or can't meet a decent bloke in the fullness of time (though speaking as someone who has dabbled with online dating for years with no success whatsoever I wouldn't bank on OD as being the answer tbh!)

A women wanting a child is a very strong instinct. If you don't go ahead and try for one you may regret this for the rest of your life.

I was very lucky and had my son at the ripe old age of 42, but as I say very lucky at that age, and now in terms of your age/energy levels etc., is the time to do it.

I was brought up without a father and rarely thought about it because I didn't know any different.

I believe that a single loving mother is much better than being in a two parent disfunctional family.

You are a very brave person and I wish you lots of luck.

You can do whatever you want providing you can pay for it. IMO children need two parents and fathers are as important as mothers in the context of role models.

Hatesponge, thank you - it's a relief to see that someone else says OD isn't the answer. I really don't know why as while I am no Kate Moss I am not ugly either and I am well educated, have a very well paid job, own house, own teeth ... who knows

My personal belief is that the particular boat (of finding a man) sails a lot earlier than many of us think but i am aware for some this hasn't been their experience. However, for me, it does mean I'm in a difficult position as I haven't had years of casual dating/finding a boyfriend to fall back on.

Marriedinwhite, I'm not too sure what you mean as your two statements seem to contradict one another a bit? I wouldn't be eligible for any benefit if that is what you mean (other than CB.)

I would go it alone but It will be very hard and very expensive. Pregnancy can be hard when you have to do everything yourself, having to do every feed and every nappy change and every night waking alone is hard. Childcare will eat into your wages to a greater degree than a dual income family and you might have to use it for longer periods because your child won't have two parents who can stagger their hours to allow for later drop offs/earlier pick ups. When you go out with your friends you will have to pay for a babysitter because your childs other parent isn't around. This is fine for an occasion but when everyone else is going to the local for a couple of hours or you want to go to an exercise class or to a meeting or something small it seems OTT to fork out £40 for a sitter. Go for it though, its great having a family and the bad stuff passes.

I would say you need to give yourself 12 months to find a man you could share your life with, inform all your married friends you would like DCs, but will go it alone unless you find someone you can imagine settling down with and do they or their DH's know anyone (it's amazing how many times we've said things like "X would be great with Y" when x is my friend and y is someone DH works with, but never really thought it was our place to set them up). Make it clear you are open to this.

Then on-line dating, arrange to meet up with people (not just chatting on line, go on as many dates as possible), join as many social things as you can, spend 12 months making this your 'project' - then after a year, if you really can't find the man you want to spend your life with, accept you need to get on to the clinics and start with going it alone. At least that way you can say you've tried.

Don'tmind - I have honestly and truly tried all of those things, I know it sounds a bit defeatist but I have long since realised it's unlikely I'll meet a partner.

I've now reached the point where I need to start planning in earnest for having a baby as a single mother if that is what I'm going to do, if I am going to have a family. I just have to stress this as a lot of people (I don't mean on here but in general) do tend to have the view that you just haven't tried hard enough and "there's a Jack for every Jill" cliches get trotted out as a result. Unfortunately though it's my life not a chick-lit novel.

Childcare is a burden undoubtedlty - not looking forward to that aspect at all! (Cost wise, I mean!)

I think a few years ago, before I had my DC I would have said, no you should wait until you are in a stable relationship so there is a better chance of the DC having two parents. But, having said that, my DC are the light of my life, they have transformed me. I couldn't give anyone advice that might mean they miss out on that experience. Go for it on your own!

Porridge, you're welcome :) I wish some of my friends had thought ahead as you're doing! The OD thing really is total chance tbh, I know people who have met 'the one' on their first date - yet I've done it on & off for years and never got beyond a first date! Like you I'm educated, good job, house etc. I'm just lucky in that I had an accidental pregnancy in my 20s resulting in DS1, then met DS2's dad (though that ended some years ago) otherwise I'd be in your position.

I did always want a 3rd child though, but that seems increasingly unlikely!

I think you're being really sensible porridge. You never know, once you have a child you might meet someone and then there will be less pressure to rush the relationship along as you already have a child.

op, have you thought about, if you go it alone, what you want for your child fatherwise.

i have looked into sperm donation, co parenting, etc... and for me the conclusion was i wouldn't like to begin a life for a child without a slight chance there would be a father involved.

Lots of thoughts came up for me, like what i would say to the child if he/she asked.
My view is prob skewed tho, because i have a dd. so i am a mother.
I also had this dd with my husband, who left and ignored her for yrs, so she missed out. At least if it were donor, your child would know no different or at least wouldn't experience the missing the father as a n actual person.

I suppose what i'm saying is, have a good think of all the scenarios, and how you would deal with them, however you choose to get pg.

I am sure you will be a good mum, the urge is huge.

I think happybubblebrain's post is the most depressing thing I've read in ages! .

Op, I would go it alone in your position.

Can I just comment on the adoption thing please (having said I think you should go it alone, you sound like you would be a great mum and have certainly put more thought into it than a lot of people).

Why on earth would people tell you to adopt simply because you want a child and you aren't with a partner?

Adoption and having a birth child are two very different processes; adoption is not an easy alternative than getting pregnant. It is much more difficult, it takes longer, it is a lot more stressful (believe me, I've done both) and the outcome is a lot more uncertain.

Yes, birth children can have SN, but the likelihood of having a child with additional needs is much higher for adopted children - the fact that they are available for adoption means (by definition) that their start in life is a lot more difficult than the accepted norm.

Adopting as a single person is a lot more difficult than adopting as a couple, simply because the demands of the child tend to be very high. The vast majority of adoptive parents are asked to take a significant amount of time off work (and for many adoptive families, one parent remains at home long term). It is more difficult to plan ahead because of the uncertainty of age of child, time of arrival etc. It is often harder to leave the child with a minder or a creche because of attachment issues. Often there is less family and friend support for an adopted child, sadly (especially if the child has behavioural issues).

I think that unless someone is very certain that adoption is for them, it is crazy to suggest it as alternative to having a baby by other means.

Sorry op. I'm sure you don't need people like me telling you how to find a partner.

I think having dc's is always a challenge. You never quite know how you'll manage. But somehow you do, because you have to. You just adjust accordingly. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

I know you may have given up on the idea of a partner, but don't underestimate how lonely it can feel being pregnant on your own.
I split up with ds's dad while pregnant, and my friends, who were all child free, did not get how I felt at all. I really couldn't rely on them as much as I thought I would be able to.
It was a shock, and a massive learning curve, and having done it once on my own, I know I would never do it again.

On the dating side-I know you are convinced you won't meet anyone, but I do think you should give dating another go.
I have come across many men online who say they want kids. Usually they are a few years older than me (late 30's-early 40's) but they are out there.

Get some better pictures for your profile, and treat dating as a lightheatred thing, rather than a looking for Mr Right thing.

Also, maybe do something social-the city socialising website is good if you want people to do stuff with, and I know a couple of people who have met partners through that, simply because it's more about meeting friends than falling in love, therefore less pressure.

Don't write yourself off just yet.
You sound really sane and sensible, just a bit over cautious maybe. Have you recently come out of a long term relationship by any chance?

happybubblebrain really needs to change her nickname.

OP I think you are planning very sensibly. I would just say, please dont give up on clinics just yet - the whole idea of getting sperm delivered seems very scary. They can be very horrid on the phone (one particular central London very famous clinic springs to mind who were awful to me on the phone). You can research on-line which ones have good donor success rates, which ones are happy to treat single women and their approach, so much easier to phone them when you know what they will help with. Also take a look at clinics in Spain or Cyprus who are used to treating UK people and can often offer better cheaper treatment than UK clinics while still having very high ethical standards.

Porridge......you sound very like me.....never met anyone I wanted to have a family with either, despite Internet dating and all the rest of it. After two/three years of serious thought I am now the proud 37 year old Mummy of my ten month old little girl (I got VERY lucky and was pregnant on my first IVF attempt). It did take a lot of soul searching and support from family and friends, but I'll never regret it, although I do struggle with being on my own sometimes, but Nana and Grandpop visit as much as they can!!

Do PM me if you want a more personal chat.

I actually didn't find it that lonely - but then I was on my own from the moment I found out I was pregnant, which is sort of the situation the OP would be in - I went ahead with the pregnancy knowing full well Id be on my own. If I could afford another baby, and was younger, I'd do it again.

And it's easy for well meaning people to assume that if you say you're in your 30s and can't find a man to settle down with etc, that you've not tried hard enough. But really that's bollocks. You can do all the 'right' things and it doesn't happen - at the end of the day it's more luck than anything. There are loads of men on popular dating sites who aren't looking for more than a one-nighter, they don't want a relationship much less a baby! And thats not just the free sites either before anyone jumps to that conclusion. They all SAY they want a relationship in their profiles - but in reality they don't.

Thank you - you have all just been SO nice :) It's really made my evening, to be honest!

i completely agree re adoption. The other thing that puts me off is that with the best will in the world, adopted children have 'another family' as well and I know a big part of adoption is accepting and encouarging this. I couldn't :( I couldn't love and raise a child for years and have them tell me they wanted to find their 'real' mother, even though it would be 100% their right to do so.

I'd greatly appreciate any advice. I've been sniffing around this site for a while before posting and have looked on the lesbian/gay parents board to see what they did and some seem to have used a site called prideangel? Does anyone know much about this? I'm not put off IVF exactly, but the cost is quite eye-watering and I'm really trying to scrape together as much as I can. My salary is good (?42,000) but obviously everything is that bit more expensive alone - usual problem!

Melawen I'd love to PM you if you don't mind, thank you :)

Depending on what side of 35 you are egg donation could be an option (you get cheaper IVF but donate half your eggs to another couple who have egg quality issues) You would be a great candidate for this as you don't have fertility issues. The problem is they only take doners up to 35.

You may well not even need IVF IUI (where the track your monthly cycle and inseminate the sperm at the right time) would most likely be all you needed. IUI is much cheaper and if you have regular cycles there is a high chance you won't have to take any fertility drugs.