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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think you might do?

128 replies

porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 18:24

if you were in your mid-thirties and didn't have a partner (and were unlikely to meet one?)

I ask because I have been pondering my options for some time now and I am desperate to have children but can't decide whether to "go for it alone" or to accept that I probably won't have children.

The latter makes me more miserable than I can even express but I can't decide if going it alone is selfish?

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 21:20

Thanks very much :) Yes, I'd quite like to donate eggs anyway - am the right side of 35 for a little while anyway Grin It's still quite costly, though, and I'll have to get through maternity leave and then have a safety-net as I sure won't be able to save anything when I have to pay for nursery!

OP posts:
Marzipanface · 21/10/2012 21:21

I also know four men who are in their 30s and are single and looking. All nice blokes.

jobobpip08 · 21/10/2012 21:21

Sorry don't have time to read all the posts, but zita west clinics do a fertility mot - which will tell you how much 'time' you have. Good luck.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 21:36

Marzipan - I'm sure there are plenty, but unfortunately, I don't know any and while I have tried to find them, they don't appear interested in me :)

It isn't an easy thing to accept that the things you're conditioned to want, if you like, from being a little girl, aren't going to be yours and I have done my share of grieving over the white wedding that will never be mine and the romantic films/books (for a long time I couldn't watch any film that featured a happy ending with love - even Shrek Grin)

Now, I'm fine with it and have accepted my lot and see distinct advantages. I can come and go as I like and I don't have to justify myself to anybody. The only real downfall as far as I can see is that it can be lonely but then it can be lonely if you're married/in a relationship too, I daresay.

I can live quite easily without a man - but without children would break my heart.

OP posts:
3LittleHens · 21/10/2012 21:49

It is the strongest and most natural instinct for a women to want a child.

If you don't do something about it, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

It is far better to have a stable and loving single parent home, than to have a disfunctional two parent family, that perhaps then breaks up, and the child loses a father they love.

I think you are very brave and I wish you lots of luck.

lovebunny · 21/10/2012 21:52

get some spunk. sperm bank. you might have to go to abroad. try sweden. don't mess around with other people, they'll interfere in your life and plans. don't leave it any longer.

if you have your 'own' baby, or babies, you won't be any less attractive to men than any other mothers, and plenty of women your age are divorced, or have split with partners, and have children.

MaryZed · 21/10/2012 22:08

I think that donating eggs idea is a fantastic one - I have no idea what the costs are, and I assume you don't actually need IVF (or at least if you do you don't know yet, so let's hope not). And you certainly don't want twins alone, so if you do go IVF I think if I was you I wouldn't start with having two embryos put back (imagine twins, alone Shock - you would never leave the house again - though like anything else, you would cope if you had to, people do).

I think a "fertility check" soonish would be no harm - you don't want to waste time and money on month after month of failed donor insemination only to discover you also have fertility issues.

Adversecamber · 21/10/2012 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 22:36

On that theory they should be queueing up, Adverse Grin

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/10/2012 22:39

God, I am really awkward! Grin

Sleepthief · 21/10/2012 22:39

I have thought about this because someone close to me was in a similar(ish) position, and I would be looking into clinics etc...

stickthekettleon · 21/10/2012 22:59

You sound lovely OP.

I had almost completely given up. But met my DH at 35, had my two girls at 37 (marrying in between at 38) and 39 both pretty much on first attempt. My gynaecologist said to me fertility starts to drop at 36/37 but real problems generally start after 40. It takes one minute to meet someone and after that everything that has gone before is forgotten! Having said that safe better than sorry. Have you looked into freezing eggs now then giving it a year before going it alone?

I wish you all the best lovely!

X

Trills · 21/10/2012 23:06

If you think that life as a single parent would be better than life without children then go for it.

The main thing that a child needs is to be wanted by a parent who knows what they are getting into.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/10/2012 23:17

On that note stick theketteleone my dsis met her man at 39. She now has two lovely kids.

Original poster
porridgewithalmondmilk · 21/10/2012 23:20

Thank you :)

I'm still the right side of 35 so I do have time to conceive - just don't have a huge amount of time to find a partner and then have children Hmm I'm just not sure at all it will happen for me, although I know plenty of people meet long term partners in their 30s I also know they tend to have had experience at dating/relationships before, which I haven't unfortunately.

Thank you so much for saying lovely things, means a lot.

OP posts:
lovelylentils · 21/10/2012 23:40

go for it. !A child is the most wonderful thing in th world.
you'll regret it if you dont imo

FreudianLisp · 21/10/2012 23:49

Have a look at the Fertility Friends website. There's a subsection for single women having fertility treatment. Lots of good advice and support there from people in a similar situation to yours.

slightlytipsy · 22/10/2012 00:20

I'd suggest a sperm bank. My sister was single, and decided to, finally, have children aged 42 and a half. She had the IVF thing whatsit, and ended up with twins. She was a perfect mother and having her children made her feel happier and she had so many new experiences- went on different holidays, even got a dog because of her DD, and never regretted going it alone.

MidniteScribbler · 22/10/2012 00:54

My DS is from donor conception. It was the best decision I've ever made and not one regret. There is a background of fertility issues in my family, so I wasn't prepared to wait for Mr Right, only to find he never arrived, or arrived too late. If I do meet someone down the track, he'll just have to accept we come as a package deal, but I'm now not really worried about meeting someone, if it happens, it happens. I have my son, and that is what is the most important thing.

It is hard being a single parent, but you just get on with it. And I'm sure that going forward things will be easier being a single parent on my own, rather than being a single parent and dealing with an ex and arguing about custody, etc. At least I'm the one who gets to make all the decisions.

Good luck! I really hope things work out for you.

aufaniae · 22/10/2012 01:00

I would go for it in your shoes. I met DP at 34. I was starting to think it would never happen. I'd like to think I'd be as brave as you if it hadn't just happened, as I always knew I wanted children.

It's extremely unlikely that you'll regret having children, but you may well regret not having them.

Fairylea · 22/10/2012 06:20

I would give internet dating a good go... keep going in fact ! New people join all the time.

I am in my thirties and met my dh on the dreaded plenty of fish... we now have a 4 month old ds as well as my 9 yr old from a previous relatoonship ....it does work!

FolkGhoul · 22/10/2012 06:30

I would never be so flippant as to say "go for it" about something as serious as this, but IMO you will regret not having a child more than you will ever regret having one (in your position).

You may still meet still meet someone yet, but I would definitely not rule out going alone.

Good luck.

CommandoBlueberry · 22/10/2012 08:03

I think it would be a really good idea to try and experiment with more dating - perhaps talk to a counsellor first. It sounds as though the majority of your adult life has been quite isolated and frankly you need more "social skills" to raise well-balanced and adjusted children to do the best by them.

Throwing in the towel after one date is defeatist to say the least!

Dahlen · 22/10/2012 08:15

If the urge to have a child is as strong as you say it is, in your position I would go for donor insemination or a co-parenting agreement.

Speaking as someone who has brought up two children entirely on my own with no family support either, it's not only doable but also highly enjoyable. I appreciate that I am talking from a position of privilege because I am financially independent - which makes a huge difference to the life of a single mother - but there are a hell of a lot of advantages to being a single parent that often get lost in the popular rhetoric about missing male role models, poverty and delinquent children.

For one thing, it can be less tiring. When the DC are in bed at night, it's your time. No additional adult's needs to consider. No differences in parenting style to thrash out. No relationship issues coming into conflict with being a parent. Half as much in the way of domestic drudgery. No sense of 'fairness' between you and the other parent because with there being 'just you' you know it's you that has to get up in the night.

If you can mobilise additional support through friends or professional childcare, and you're of the right temperament to enjoy doing this independently (very important), going it alone could be the best decision you ever make.

brightlightsahead · 22/10/2012 09:53

I am 48 and I was in your situation in my mid-thirties. I chose to accept that I would never have dc and I have not regretted that decision, but then I would never have described thinking about that as 'making me more miserable than I can even express' - I think some women do get overwhelmed by broodiness but I was never one of them.

I also feel I had a bit more control over the situation, as I had met men who could have been potential fathers and in fact I had a couple of pg scares, but chose not to continue with them. So it was very much a choice for me, and I didn't have a sense of urgency to have a baby just in case I might regret it when my fertile years ended. I would never have chosen to be a single parent, I know many manage it and enjoy it, but I've seen siblings and friends go through it and it's not something I would have wanted. I get satisfaction from being an aunt but I enjoy the freedom to do as I please - it's never been in me to give that up to be a single parent.

I have two friends who chose to go it alone, and at least three others who were in relationships but ended up raising dc alone from birth due to the relationship breakdown. I'd say it was easier in some ways for the women who chose to go it alone, as they were prepared for being on their own from the start, and didn't have the sense of feeling abandoned. OTOH, of those who were in relationships, most get good support in terms of maintenance and child-free weekends so they get more of a break. I also have a good friend who intended to go it alone, but the fertility treatment never worked, despite her starting in early thirties. So you must consider the possibility that even if you make that decision now, you might have to accept that you won't have children as the statistics for successful treatment are still actually relatively low.