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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel humilated in a school meeting?

167 replies

amy175 · 18/10/2012 11:23

My daughter many many special needs caused by a genetic disorder. We were having a care plan meeting with some community nurses and the head teacher. She has weight issues which they are due to the disorder. During this meeting i was asked what was in her lunch box, and i told them all, but the head went and got her packed lunch and opened it and showed everyone. I just felt humilated, as i had told them truthfully what was in it, so why did they need to look? Everything in there was as suggested by the dietician and they did eventally admit it was a good lunch, no crisps, choc or sweet things. But why did they need to get it out? The head was going on about how much more food my dd has than everyone else and how she sometimes has pasta instead of a sandwich, but she doesn't it just takes her longer to eat it. And what my DD has for lunch is nothing to do with anyone else but me surely? I just felt so small and humilated. Am i wrong to feel like this? or am i being too sensitive?

OP posts:
MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 11:26

No, a lot of Teachers involved in meetings, love their power status, they treat parents like kids. Change schools.

BloodRedAlienReflux · 18/10/2012 11:26

No, YANBU. who the actual fuck do they think they are? So they didn't believe you or what? You keep doing your best, and try and ignore these patronising idiots.

edam · 18/10/2012 11:28

Good grief, what a horrible, patronising way to treat you. How DARE they!

ellargh · 18/10/2012 11:28

YANBU. You are the parent, not them!

VodkaJelly · 18/10/2012 11:28

YANBU, that was shitty behaviour from the head. I am pretty hard faced and would have called him up on it there an then.

Maybe write him a letter asking to explain why he felt the need to do this and what was he trying to prove. Or if you are feeling stronger have a face to face meeting.

But dont let his go unchallenged, he humiliated you and needs to explain why.

Bongaloo · 18/10/2012 11:29

I think being a Head goes to their head sometimes - there's a teacher at my DD's school that talks to us like we're children too, they just can't seem to get out of that patronising zone of thinking.

It's one thing for the lunchtime staff to quietly clock what the children are eating. But you're right - there was no need for that sort of behaviour.

DesperatelySeekingPerfection · 18/10/2012 11:29

YANBU

Don't know what else to say really!

Schools seem to be absolutely obsessed with lunch boxes ATM. Even if your DD did have crisps etc. if it is part of a balanced diet overall then it is none of their business.

To me it appears they need more education about her disorder, it's affect on her weight and how she already follows a dietician recommended diet.

I hope they spent as much time helping you with other issues from her disorder!

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 11:30

Apart from this and a few other small issues it is a great school but i just felt so upset by this. My DP doesnb't seem to see a problem with it, which is why i thought i would ask here. I can get oversensitive sometimes as i deal with so much and it can too much for me sometimes.

OP posts:
SugariceAndScary · 18/10/2012 11:30

I would have felt embarrassed too.

Do you feel strong enough to raise this with the HT regarding his behaviour, getting the lunch box out implies that he didn't believe what you had said.

If you don't fancy a face to face meeting could you write a letter expressing how his actions have made you feel, he should be made aware of it, you've got enough on your plate without him making you feel worse.

RubyFakeNails · 18/10/2012 11:32

I don't think your wrong to feel like this, you're entitled to your feelings.

It can't have been very nice.

However re the lunchbox thing. Schools now do feel that the contents of packed lunches is entirely their business. MN is full of threads with parents having issues where food is confiscated, letters are sent home and there is quite intense lunchbox policing. So I think that it may have just been and issue that came up as part of her care (you said there was a dietician so sounds like it was on the agenda) and the way in which the headteacher behaved, while it may seem intrusive to you, is what is considered acceptable involvement by most schools nowadays.

It does sounds as if she was on a power trip but it also sounds as if she had so pre-formed ideas about your dd and her lunches. She had obviously made observations, even if they were incorrect so you could just take it as her being thorough and interested. The dietician agreed with you, so I would say now that aspect of school time is sorted just try and move on.

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 11:32

i wasn't happy with the nurses either in this meeting. I wanted to talk about her pain and two the nurses rolled their eyes at each other and kind of smirked at each other. I should have said somethiong then but i just feel so small in that meeting.

OP posts:
MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 11:32

These teachers go on child protection courses and they look too hard for things that are not there, as they want to be a hero. These people are not interested in kids at all, they care about their jobs and ego's.

CailinDana · 18/10/2012 11:33

Wow how mean! I would have either burst into tears or absolutely exploded with rage if that had happened to me. Would you feel up to writing a letter to explain how you felt? To be honest I would consider moving schools (I know this can be hard, especially if you need special provision) because that sort of nasty attitude often filters down through the staff and is reflective of how the children are treated.

CailinDana · 18/10/2012 11:34

Do you know why the nurses were so uninterested?

shinyrobot · 18/10/2012 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlobbadobbaBOO · 18/10/2012 11:35

YANBU, why start on about the pasta? Half the children in DD's class bring pasta in sauce instead of sandwiches at the moment, no one bats an eyelid!
I'm all for healthy eating but when the teachers at our school started policing lunchboxes it had to be pointed out that children on school lunches are offered cake every day in the dining room...
I would speak to your DD's doctor or specialist about educating the HT about her illness tbh, sounds like they re trying to shift the blame for her weight issues from the disorder to you.

MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 11:35

Can you tell us the condition your dc has? How unprofessional of those so called professiinals, I believe you.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/10/2012 11:36

Yanbu. The head was wrong to do this, it don't serve a purpose, and there was no benefit to it all all. If the head had wanted to conform that you were telling the truth, she could have popped over to the lunch room the day before and had a look at the lunchbox, or she could have asked one of the lunchtime supervisors what your dds lunch usually contained.

Shock at nurses smirking at each other when you wanted to discuss your dds pain! That's horrible!

DesperatelySeekingPerfection · 18/10/2012 11:37

If you are happy with the school I would let I lie this time. Now you know what to expect from the Head you will be on your guard in the future to put him back in his place. Do not accept anything like this again, they are there to help you NOT to check up on you or take over.

I don't think you are being over sensitive at all, you must feel very stressed by everything and doing that was totally unsympathetic! (Especially when school dinners are so unhealthy anyway!)

DesperatelySeekingPerfection · 18/10/2012 11:38

Just seen your comment about the nurses, that is shocking!!!!!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 18/10/2012 11:38

WTF? School dinners that I have seen seem to mainly consist of processed meats, pasta and potato wedges, followed by a starchy sugary pud!
I would have refuse tbh.
What an absolute cow.
YANBU

IfNotNowThenWhen · 18/10/2012 11:38

Refused!

porcamiseria · 18/10/2012 11:41

i think a polite, and well worded letter is needed

she owes you an apology, and it also might be a learning opportunity for her

def address it, but dont go in all guns blazing as tempting as it it, it wont get you anywhere

xx

Cahoots · 18/10/2012 11:41

Gosh, what a rude andunpleasant thing for the Head to have done. Perhaps you could send her an email and let her know that it was embarrassing for you.

You would not need to be rude to her but I am sure you would feel better if you let her know how you feel. It may make her behave a little better in future.

In future, would it be possible to take someone with you to any meetings. It may make you feel more confident having someone else there even if they don't really know the ins and outs of what's going on.

YANBU. Not at all.

Hope you feel better now. Smile

MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 11:42

When my dc were in juniour school, their head had a thing about no chocolate, sweets and crisps were ok apparently, bonkers heads imposing their weirdness in so many people.

My dc had healthy lunches anyway and I was not keen in sweets for kids. Most parents give good food to their kids, all are being watched like hawks for the sins of the few.

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