to feel humilated in a school meeting?

[amy175]

My daughter many many special needs caused by a genetic disorder. We were having a care plan meeting with some community nurses and the head teacher. She has weight issues which they are due to the disorder. During this meeting i was asked what was in her lunch box, and i told them all, but the head went and got her packed lunch and opened it and showed everyone. I just felt humilated, as i had told them truthfully what was in it, so why did they need to look? Everything in there was as suggested by the dietician and they did eventally admit it was a good lunch, no crisps, choc or sweet things. But why did they need to get it out? The head was going on about how much more food my dd has than everyone else and how she sometimes has pasta instead of a sandwich, but she doesn't it just takes her longer to eat it. And what my DD has for lunch is nothing to do with anyone else but me surely? I just felt so small and humilated. Am i wrong to feel like this? or am i being too sensitive?

[FolkGhoul]

Amy I'm a teacher and I'm afraid I have to agree with other people who have said that sometimes the power does go to people's heads.

I did my teacher training as a mother of 2. The majority of other trainees were 21-24 and childless.

I can remember the murmurs of outrage when the lecturer suggested one day that they would be better teachers if they listened to the parents and remembered that the parents were the experts in their own children.

The tutor had to go as far as telling the cohort that the parents had known their children for 4-5 years before they started school and that they spent 6 hours a day with each child for 5 days a week for 39 weeks of a single year. And that it was arrogant to assume they were the experts and that parents knew nothing.

There were a few who remained unconvinced though.

I am one of the 'professionals' and yet I hate being the client or the patient in these sorts of meetings because I know that my voice isn't being heard.

Not sure that my post will help you! But I just wanted you to know that we all feel like that at times.

But it's not right.

MrsjREwing I hope I'm right in reading your post as "These teachers" meaning the ones who behave like this and not "These teachers" as in all teachers. Because I can assure you, I am not one of 'those' teachers!

[valiumredhead]

WTAF?

[Spatsky]

Yanbu. I would have got quite angry and defensive and not handled it very well so kudos to you for not getting into an argument.

[youarewinning]

That is your DD's lunchbox, provided by you for your DD. YOU were asked a question so why the actual fuck did the HT feel he needed to go and get your DD's lunch?

And what surprises me is most of the lunchbox police threads here state the schools recommend pasta etc instead of sandwiches.

AND school dinners mostly offer a choice of potaoes or pasta daily .

Sounds to me like the HT doesn't understand your DD's syndrome/ condition. Instead of saying we can do this and this to support her he used his knowledge of lunchbox policies to try and belittle you and make suggestions - he probably had a shock when it was healthy and the pasta thing was a panic response!

YANBU. My DS year R teacher actually wrote that I should perhaps try giving DS sandwiches as he was getting bored of the same stuff everyday. 1) like a sandwich everyday is any different and 2) he didn't like/want sandwiches and chose what went in his lunchbox from a choice of XY and Z!!

[SugariceAndScary]

How often do you attend a care plan meeting like this OP?

[Witchety]

Poor you Amy that shouldn't have happened. Hope you are feeling better about it all soon.

[MrsjREwing]

Folk, yes, these teachers meaning the arogant ones you and op described.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

YANBU to feel so upset. They sound like they behaved like a load of bullies. I'd have gone spare if they'd checked up on me like that!

[Cahoots]

amy175. I am sure someone here could draft a polite but firm email for you to send to the Head. My Englsh isn't great otherwise I would have drafted something.

What do you think?

[Viviennemary]

It seems this lunchbox policing has got totally out of hand. YANBU to be upset. Next time I wonder if you could ask to take along a sympathetic friend.

[MrsjREwing]

I would ask in the letter for the head to let you know just how much they know about your childs condition.

[PropertyNightmare]

Bloody hell. Yanbu. What a bunch of fucking cunts. I would be livid in your shoes

[Fakebook]

What a rude fucking bitch. Like you're really going to lie about what you feed your child.

You don't sound very assertive. Could you practise this infront of a mirror? For example, if someone who I needed advice from had rolled their eyes at me and smirked, I would have asked them what they found funny, and given them a death stare. Don't put up with shit behaviour from people. Really.

[amy175]

thank you everyone, just made me cry from being so nice! I dont want to get the head riled as i relay on staff goodwill towards my DD alot as she has such complex needs. her genetic disorder so so complex. she has extreme hypermobility syndrome which causes joint dislocations (4 in the ;last forntight alone), constipation which has causes incotinance so she is in nappies and pads 24hrs a day now (she's year 4 btw). She has extrem hypotonia which is low muscle tone too. It causes her pain but she nevr complains or whines or cries, just gets on with it. The school and these nurses concluded that she can't be in any pain at school as she plays and doesn't moan or cry when it is just she gets on with things and is brave.

[amy175]

i used to be better than this but i feel run over by all the day to day stuff. it has really affected me. i feel anxous and depressed a lot of the time.

[edam]

Oh, that's heartbreaking that they discount her pain because she is brave. Idiots.

[amy175]

oh and she has reflex annoxic seixures which she goes unconcious and stops breathing too. but most of this happens after school hours when she is more tired.

[Cahoots]

I know you don't want to get on the Heads bad side but I think you should still let her know how it made you feel. You can do it politely and nicely. If she has one ounce of decency she would be pleased to have to opportunity to apologise to you.

[amy175]

i've written to my gp asking to change medical teams to the local specialists as although she is 9 we haven't ever seen the specialists!

[MrsjREwing]

I am having the same problem with school for the same condition, HMS and EDS.

[amy175]

i wasn't happy either that the nurses said she was making it up about not being able to feel the need to wee. My DD tells me that she cannot feel the need to wee at all and that she can only feel it when it ?tickles? when it is actually coming out. This is why she has been using incontinence products for a year now. Yet at this meeting I was told to just stop using them and let her wet herself as ?she must be able to feel it? and that she ?was just weeing in the nappy as she was being lazy and if she wet herself in front of everyone she might stop it?, and I was ?to not put a nappy on at night time and just let her wet herself as she would soon decide to get up instead ?. She has consistently said she can?t feel the need to wee and I have no reason to doubt her. How can these nurses say she is doing it deliberately? What evidence do they have to support this view? No tests have been done to support this view, and I can?t support humiliation in front of everyone, which she is really worried about already. I doubt they would suggest that to an adult with incontinence that they go into work and wet themselves in front of everyone so why should a child be treated any differently? I think myDD deserves the same respect as an adult. At school she has not been drinking and bringing a full water bottle home each day as she is afraid she may leak and everyone will see. I really do not believe she is lying and doing it to be lazy. I am really worried that by saying she is doing deliberately she is not getting treatment or tests.

[MrsjREwing]

Get a referral to Dr Ninnis at St Mary's Paddington, she does private as does Prof Graham at St John and St Elizabeth, he has no apps until January.

[amy175]

we have nevr even seen a rhumatologist though she was diagnosed at 12 months! i'm fed up with playing nice and not seeing anyone who really understands her condition.
Mrs jrewing how does it effect your child?

[cantspel]

I would tell the head how she made you feel. You can do this is a polite and calm manner so hopefully the head will see she is in the wrong and handled the whole matter badly and apologies to you.

Keep in the back of your mind that these people care about your daughter as well and want what is best for her and that this wrong against you came from a background of care rather than just wanting to upset you.

[PropertyNightmare]

Amy, love, I am not surprised you don't feel assertive enough to put these unfeeling wankers in their place. You have a lot on your plate, it must be very hard dealing with your daughter's complex needs. It makes me really sad that you are a little scared of off siding these do called professionals who OWE your dd a comfortable and enjoyable education. It is awful that you you feel cornered like that (i.e that the school has made you feel this way). There are lot of seriously angry parents of Children with SN on here. I really hope one of them reads this thread and picks up the baton for you. I agree you need a strongly worded letter to the school. Hopefully there might be a mum on here who knows what to shout. The chumps at the school owe you an apology.