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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel humilated in a school meeting?

167 replies

amy175 · 18/10/2012 11:23

My daughter many many special needs caused by a genetic disorder. We were having a care plan meeting with some community nurses and the head teacher. She has weight issues which they are due to the disorder. During this meeting i was asked what was in her lunch box, and i told them all, but the head went and got her packed lunch and opened it and showed everyone. I just felt humilated, as i had told them truthfully what was in it, so why did they need to look? Everything in there was as suggested by the dietician and they did eventally admit it was a good lunch, no crisps, choc or sweet things. But why did they need to get it out? The head was going on about how much more food my dd has than everyone else and how she sometimes has pasta instead of a sandwich, but she doesn't it just takes her longer to eat it. And what my DD has for lunch is nothing to do with anyone else but me surely? I just felt so small and humilated. Am i wrong to feel like this? or am i being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 12:59

wow thank god they did

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MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 13:02

Well the symptoms you describe are EDS symptoms, minus the fits, well not a symptom in this house.

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:03

she is epileptic too but no fits of the kind for a year now

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MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 13:09

What is your plan of action?

Book app for GP to refer, join EDS UK, what else?

5madthings · 18/10/2012 13:10

No advice but wanted to say i have read and am thinkinh of you.

Absolutely crap behaviour from ht and nurses. And thevsuggestion that you let your dd wet herself at school is appalling!

Btw i am in norwich, only small experience of the paeds there with my children for small issues but they were very nice and certainly respected me as a pareny. If you neef anything or i could help.in anyway then pm me, even if its just to meet for coffee xx

Merinda · 18/10/2012 13:15

I would also say, that symptoms pretty well fit the EGID diagnosis. Dysmotility and reflux are the first signs, HMS and low muscle tone as well. Did she have reflux as a baby? Does she have any allergies?

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:20

can i just say thank you to everyone, i ummed and arred about posting in case i got flamed but everyone has been so supportive.

My plan of action.

well i just wrote to my gp asking to change teams i told him about the nurses rolling their eyes , saying to let her wet herself too etc so at least he knows. i asked for a new paed at norwich not yarmouth and a new physio and ot who are very much like the nurses too. i asked for a referall to the chronic pain paed specuilist at norwich too. should i now write again and ask for a private consult with prof g?

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:21

no allergies or reflux. just constipation from a baby

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:22

if only i could ask to swap hubbies too to a more helpful one!

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Merinda · 18/10/2012 13:23

Have you ever seen a gastro specialist?

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:24

my dd was nearly 4 before she could walk. she started nursery not being able to crawl, walk or talk

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:24

we used makaton with her. mr tumble style

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:25

nope no specialist only these constiaption nurse from the community nursing team.

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MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 13:29

Dr Ninnis explained how she began an interest in EDS, it started with a child with a puzzling bowel issue. She kept seeing EDS3 on his notes so educated herself about it, she did tests other existing EDS specialists never thought to do, for example on the adrenal gland, with interesting results that back up the fatigue EDS people have. One non arrogant Dr there, willing to look into EDS and what is going on for kids, she is a regular pead.

MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 13:31

The EDS bowel is slow in processing, with gastro problems to varying degrees from mouth to anus. We were told at conference to take probiotics.

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:35

like actimels?

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MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 13:39

I have just bought what ever is on offer since the conference. Yakult etc.

Tailtwister · 18/10/2012 13:45

YANBU. What a horrible and demeaning way to treat you. Personally, I would call her on it. Explain how it made you feel and why. She needs to learn to correct her approach before she does it again (to you or someone else).

INeedThatForkOff · 18/10/2012 13:48

Sorry if it's already been said, but re. the HT, bypass her and take your complaint straight to governors.

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:50

irony is my hubby is a governor! but he thinks it is ok to do it

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 13:51

it makes it much worse having a oh that thinks it is ok to treat me like that

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FolkGhoul · 18/10/2012 14:00

Could your DH just feel a bit uncomfortable about challenging the HT?

I was a parent governor for a while and I know that it made me feel very uncomfortable about complaining about anything because I knew that I'd have to sit in a meeting with the HT at some point and be in the position of agreeing to his pay rise. I did find it awkward.

You shouldn't raise it with your DH anyway, you'd have to go through the 'official channels' (write a letter addressed to the chair of governors) and leave it in the school office. Your husband would have to declare an interest and probably wouldn't be able to discuss it anyway.

Tbh the fetching the lunch box thing is the sort of thing an unpleasant person would do to a child to prove that they were lying. Not the sort of thing I'd expect a HT to do to a parent. It was intended to catch you out. Unless of course, they thought it might prompt your memory if you seemed nervous (clutching at straws a bit).

I wouldn't want to just let it go. You're going to have to have many more meetings like this over the years to come. I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself now (if other experiences I've read on MN are anything to go by).

I don't know why the professionals are so keen to prove the parents are wrong in these instances, or dismiss parents' opinions. Especially when you have a medical diagnosis and nurses present.

Sad
MrsjREwing · 18/10/2012 14:02

Do you have hms eds symptoms? my emotionally abusive ex was attracted to me for my ability to put up with more than the average person, lack of complaints, (due to constant pain, not being believed, dismissed over the years), brain fog, anxiety (caused by pots apparently) and reactive depression due to pain. A person with EDS is perfect for an emotional abuser.

Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 14:09

i think i do, but have never asked a professional. my oh isnt abusive just lazy and selfish. leaves 95% of child stuff and cleaning house stuff to me athough i have all this to deal with , a recent broken spine and a fulltime job. but finds time for 2 gym trips a week but not to find time to clean a loo or put a bin out. seems to think that if he goes to work he shouldnt have to do anything else

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Original poster
amy175 · 18/10/2012 14:10

oh is friends with ht so he doesnt want to make a fuss

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