to have told MIL to go fuck herself?

[ellargh]

DD was very ill last night. She had been unwell for 2 days but last night her temperature spiked, she was in a lot of pain with her throat and was in and out of sleep all day. I decided to call the OOH surgery who told me to get up there at 11:30pm. We have no car and no money until next week so had to ring about for help.

My dad had had a few drinks so couldn't and my only other family that drives is my grandad who was in bed. DPI phoned soon to be MIL as she lives a few streets away and both her and FILL are teetotal. She said she didn't want to then seemed to come around and asked "Who will be going?" DP said me and she said no then he said he would go instead. I am fed up of her shit she dislikes me for no reason and has the 5 years DP and I have been together. She has a reason now though as I shouted "Oh tell her to go fuck herself then".

DD ended up at the OOH after my sister sent us in a taxi to her house then back up to the OOH to lend me £20.

DP said I could have worded it differently but it's just what he didn't have the balls to say but now DP's sister is threatening me and apparently within 12 hours it's got around his aunties and uncles who now dislike me :/

Sorry this is long but I didn't want to drip feed. MIL and I don't get on but when it comes to a favour for her 4 year old GD surely it's not fair?

[socharlotte]

I think YABU
Firstly i wouldn't have gone to the OOD. Sore throat and a temperature is pretty run of the mill and in this house would have been calpol fluids and if necessary doctor in the morning.
Secondly if I was phoning someone in the middle of the night asking for a favour , and they wanted to put a condition on it-fine.I would just be grateful to them rather than telling them to F* themselves.You seem needlessly aggressive OP

[ellargh]

I had been using Calpol and Ibuprofen for those days she was ill. I called the OOH because I was worried and even if I had waited until yesterday morning I would still be in the same position with no money and only my grandad to help.

[Mummiesarescary]

You did the right thing, and obviously the oohd thought the same or they wouldn't have seen you

[Bobyan]

Your MIL isn't the problem, your DP is. He's allowing their behaviour and making no attempt to stop it. You need to step back from his family and tell him to grow some balls...

[singinggirl]

socharlotte - maybe the OP was basing her response on her knowledge of her DD, all children are different. With DS2 I always got to the doctor if his temperature went over 39 when he was little - at the point it meant he was going to be really ill, and on three of those occasions was admitted to hospital straight away. Waiting beyond that could have had lethal consequences.

I would have been horrified if my MIL (or anyone else) had banned me from going with him - on each occasion he wanted me. DS1 on his one admission to hospital wanted DH however. I would have been equally horrified if anyone had refused to allow that. If a child is ill, their needs and wants come first; not their grandparents'.

[dysfunctionalme]

expat that is so distressing, honestly i cannot understand how people can be so cruel and selfish. i'm so sorry for their awfulness when you most needed them.

[dysfunctionalme]

OP your in laws sound pretty awful. What's with the SIL threatening you? I mean who actually carries on like that apart from people on Jeremy Kyle?

[ellargh]

It's not violent threats but threats all the same toward my children saying that if I ever spoke to her mother who has never done anything wrong to me like that again she would never want to see us again and how would I feel then? She said that DP needs to give me a good slap for daring to disrespect his family like that and that my children will grow up little chaos in a single parent family if I continue to be so destructive and detrimental to his relationship with them. She made it quite clear that I am a stop gap and they will always be his true family.

I made the point that we were his family too but she has just decided to ignore me. I guess she's said her piece and that's it.

[ellargh]

*chavs not chaos.

[elizaregina]

YADNBU

Please do not apologise this would only allow her to play the martyr. it must be made very clear to her from your DP that her behaviour was not acceptable.

Dont we all know and realise that when a small child is ill - they can either get better very very quickly OR can get worse in a flash and be danger.

There isnt time to discuss who is going with who and as someone else said - a sick child and mother - belong together. Seconds count, we have all heard of the situations particulary with menigitus where the docs have said " half an hour later and we would have lost her/him, or a leg /or an arm etc.

Its not the time to fuck around with family politics.

I think OP was very " restrained" with her MIL infact.

Op i think you did a " positive" thing, there is only so much abuse someone can take.

You might be lying to us - you might have been horrid to her in the past....or maybe she has just taken agaisnt you - she doesnt have to like you....maybe you have done soemthing to her precious son.

However - whatever you have done - she has shown a true testament of her own character in the middle of a crisis - she was more interested in passengers in the car that her own granddaughter.

how will your DD feel if she hears GM was more concerned about who was in the car than simply getting her to a doctor? What in the worst case scenario it was meningitus, what if that delay had cost her a limb?

" sorry darling, grandma was too busy arguing who was going in the car so the delay cost you your leg?"

51 is also not old.

Infact its still very very young so you cant defend her age.

I am glad your DP is looking long and hard at his mother, maybe the scales need to fall from his eyes.

I think you should be proud of finally snapping and standing up to her and you take the moral high ground, you swore - she put a childs life in danger.

I just cant belive anyone would argue differently, a swear word - and getting a child to the doctors?

[expatinscotland]

Then your DP needs to tell her where to go, ella. Because if my family said that about my husband, and they wouldn't because we have children together, I'd tell them I needed to make the family I created with him no. 1.

With DH, when he went to the IL's city, he just went along with whatever they wanted, didn't tell them, 'Hey, I need to go be with my DD.' Then MIL had the nerve to message me on FB and say DH said I was upset he didn't arrive till 9.30 at hospital as I was fed up of being stuck in there.

That's honesly how she viewed it! As if DD1, ill and, at that point, dying, and her feelings weren't paramount.

And even DH didn't see it because he was so used to their selfishness.

Well, he does now.

Oh, she chewed him out on FB, too, for not sending his dad a birthday card, after our daughter took a serious infection (she died about 6 weeks later) and he was stuck where he was looking after our other two.

For perspective, my father flew out here from the Caribbean because DD1 was in ICU, landed on his birthday after 30 hours of journeying, he's 10 years old than FIL, he went straight to her hospital room. Not a word about his birthday.

I hope your DP is seeing them for how they are, ella, because they sound very selfish.

He may be used to it, though.

[expatinscotland]

And YY, going to OOH was the right thing to do!

She'd been ill for days, you'd done the standard stuff.

With DD1 being in a children's hospital, I met the parents of many children who went downhill fast!

[dysfunctionalme]

ellargh but it is a violent threat because she is urging your DP to hit you. They sound utterly awful. What possible good could her interference do? Are they very low IQ? What on earth could explain such awfulness? Clearly you were stressed and needed support, what reasonable person would not at least offer sympathy if not practical help?

[elizaregina]

socharlotte

I would urge you never to take any child illness for granted, what seems like a normal ear infection or sore throat - could get worse or be something else.

You should treat each time your children get ill as a new thing and not think - oh its just an infection it will be ok.

My neighbours little boy had yet " another" sore ear, he was three and half, it rapdily went down hill, and they go to a and e, he was in a very serious condition his temp was still soaring they struggled to bring it down and he was in hosp for three days - with what they thought was " just another ear infection".

It was that night they decided to have another child infact - becasue they thought they might loose thier son.

life is fragile, when you have experienced loss you realise this - we are all on a whisper and a feather....children can also be incredibly tough and pull through the most horrendous illnesses, but the wrong set of problems and you get caught out.

Op might have been poorley prepared, she should have had taxi money saved up, etc etc.

It doesnt matter.

[ellargh]

Expat, thank you for your insight.

DP just called his sister and told her as long as she thought those messages were acceptable she is no longer welcome in his family's life. She started to cry and I could see him wavering but instead of giving in he just hung up. He told her if he thought MIL is innocent then she knows nothing of the ongoing situation.

Step one is standing up to his sister. Step two is seeing if he can stand up to MIL. He is so headstrong and does what he wants but when it comes to MIL it's like he's a child not nearing 30!

I don't mean to criticise him but it is the truth.

[elizaregina]

ellargh

glad to hear he is standing up to them, i only hope he carries it through the whole way, he cant back down now.

things can only get better if he stands up to them, and he should as he and you know.

[expatinscotland]

No, I understand completely, ella! DH was the same way.

MIL has a major martyr complex.

It was all tolerable, until DD1 fell ill and they dropped us in it.

[LauraShigihara]

I didn't know full-grown adults behaved like this until I married into a family of them. Their loathing of me just grew and grew, despite everything that I did to try to make them like me. In a situation like you describe, OP my inlaws would have behaved in the same way, or caused a scene or charged us an extortionate amount of money (as my FIL did when he took me to hospital in superquick labour with his first grandchild and wouldn't let me out of the car until I had paid.Then charged DH the same amount when he turned up to join me)

DH and I made the difficult decision to step out of their lives over twenty five years ago and we havent seen them since. I made it clear to DH that he could change his mind at any time and renew his relationship with them, but I considered myself to have no out in laws and the children were not to ever spend time with such damaging people.

I'm sorry that your daughter was so ill and I hope she is on the mend. I just wanted to say that your children won't be damaged by cutting such awful people out of ther lives. Mine have thrived.

[EldritchCleavage]

WHY the old lady might not leap to help the mother of her grandchild

The 'old lady' of 51 was being asked to help her grandchild, who needed medical treatment. Who in their right mind would care which parent was accompanying her, in those circumstances?

The problem with these threads is that I think a lot of people post from a pespective where they can't or won't accept that some people really really do treat others very badly indeed, and not for any good reason; that accordingly, there aren't always two sides to every story and it isn't reasonable to play Miss Marple speculating whether the OP has provoked this bad treatment by being the most awful harridan imaginable.

Of course, we can't know anything for a fact, but some of us at least accept the possibility that this is what is happening because we've seen it in real life. My best friend's in-laws are the most vile people imaginable. I once got her to put the phone down on her husband's grandfather because I could not bear to hear her being abused so badly-just a tirade of shouting going on and on. Her FIL turned up once to berate his son and it completely took my breath away. I had honestly never seen the like. Until then I had genuinely never realised how awful some people can be to their adult children. It's not that I see it everywhere, but I am able to accept it as a possibility.

[ellargh]

I honestly don't think my children would be worse off. They rarely see PILs now and when they do its not for longer than a few minutes and with no quality time. They don't go over to their house much, never get taken out or babysat by them and receive ten pounds for their birthday or Christmas. This past birthday DD didn't even get a call on her birthday and despite living a 3 minute walk away got her birthday card only when DP went around days later. I had half a mind to post it back through the door with a note saying if a phone call couldn't be in the plan the money is not as important but DP convinced me I would be doing more harm than good.

I don't want any further communication with them but would I be harming my young DC's as DP is obviously conflicted about what's best as he's so used to them and says it's just who they are. Just because it's who they are doesn't mean it's acceptable :(

[elizaregina]

we had to leave our house in a huge hurry a few years ago, it had been declared a health hazzard and we had already been living in it for weeks with my daughter getting sicker with cough, and then diagnosed lung infection.

MIl offered to take DD in her house but not us!

I was grateful at least she would take DD but of course we couldnt put poor DD alone in her house that ill.

[elizaregina]

ellargh

i know i am being controversial but these people dont like you and saldy never ever will.

you know that now - you can accept that - your DP has let all this fester to this point, its not bad thing when things expolde sometimes, your current situ is unacceptable and remaining silent only lets " others" fill in the gaps.


i dont think you are harming young DC's it sounds like you are better off without them.

your DP if he still wants to see them after this shold lay down some rules, that he never wants to hear of you spoken of - to in a bad way - and if anything reaches his ears there will be trouble, you are going to be his wife you are sorry they dont like you but he feels they never will no matter what you do, they have really shown their colours over a sick child, and they iether respect HIM and you - as the mother of his children adn soon to be wife - or THEY suffer the consequences.

they wont like it - but it will certianly improve thinsg in the long run

[elizaregina]

its totlaly rude to him and his choices and descions as well to be so rude to you - he needs to make his DP see that!!! and HE needs to see that too, you are HIS choice, they need to respect that!

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

OP, of course YANBU. She was petty and spiteful.

Nonno, you're talking a lot of shite.

[LauraShigihara]

I have three children and only the oldest knew my outlaws. I don't believe that my children missed out at all by being kept away from such poisonous characters. In fact, I think their lives can only have been improved by being kept out of the difficult and stressful situations that the outlaws would have put us in.

If you were a stranger with a poorly dog I would have given you more help than your MIL did that night.

As a PS, my MIL once came across my adult daughter in a work situation (DD had no idea who she was) and my spies tell me she was boasting to all and sundry that she was so proud because her grandaughter was 'well posh' . Seeing as the reason she hated me was because 'she's right up herself' it seems quite ironic really...