To be annoyed with my husband for getting involved in a domestic and calling police?

[quitepdoff]

I feel so cross with my husband.
We have moved house and thank goodness only renting whilst we are looking for a place.
We have some unsavoury neighbours up the road, lots of domestics.

My husband works away and i do feel vunerable here with the kids.

Last night when he left for work he heard a domestic, said blood curdling screams and saw a woman being dragged out into the road.

He went over. Spoke to them, asked if the woman was ok etc. Then got abuse from her.

Called the police and told them he had done so.

I am furious with him.

I asked him not to get involved before. I understand the woman may have needed help but my arguement is to call the police from round the corner and not let them see you.

What if they had a knife? What if they dont like him or us now?

I feel scared now, am i just being silly?

p.s its the fact i asked him not to do this too, i feel he just doesnt listen to me

Snot exactly. When we had problems with the people we had intervened with a domestic with it was similar. One morning the bloke came out and started having a go at me when I was leaving the block of flats. Had to run back up and get my husband, he came out into the stairwell and the bloke threatened to stab us both. We called the police who turned up thinking I was being threatened by my own partner. When they realised it was my neighbour they lost interest as they said that they could only remove him if it was a domestic and it was impossible to do anything if it was a neighbour because you couldn't get an injunction against them because they lived in the same place as you. They even fudged the threats to kill business because the neighbour claimed he had only said that he 'felt' like stabbing us, not that he was actually going to stab us, and apparently that made it okay. They said they wouldn't do anything until we were actually physically attacked.

Nothing at all was done and we had to move. Easy for us as there was just the two of us and it was a private rental, but if you have children who are attending school or you're in social housing where you can't just move you're stuck having to deal with this.

He should have just gone in his house and called the police behind closed doors, because now they know it was him they can't depend on the police to protect them until they are the ones in immediate danger being dragged out of their door screaming.

The Police are fantastic here.

I've called them lots of times over the years to report teenagers vandalising things, a taxi driver being beaten up outside my house when I was alone and the kids were in bed, some drunken twat jumping up and down on a neighbour's car.

Every single time I've asked the Police not to come to my door so the people involved don't know who phoned them and they've always respected that.

I know it's not the same in every area though.

I also think the OP's DH was a twat to tell them he was calling the Police...they didn't need to know who called them as long as someone did.

Who are you to say whether she is 'genuine' because she drinks/takes drugs.
Many DV victims have coping strategies that seem strange, doesn't make them any less at risk of violence or any less in need of support/help

Well said Yoghurty The implication that the woman wasn't genuine/deserving of help had rather too much of people Not Like Us about it.

I agree with the OP. Her DH should have called the police but not told them. We lived in a rough bit of London our neighbours house next door got smashed up by a gang with bricks and baseball bats. Other neighbours were dealing drugs and threatened us more than once. We did call the police, we even provided them with photograph evidence when safe to do so but we didn't draw attention to ourselves at all. The risks were too high and the police response was too slow.

One example, there was a middle aged bloke in the kids playground sniffing gas, wobbling around and falling over. All the parents moved their kids out of the playground and called the police. 20 mins later no sign, by then some local lads decided to take matters into their own hands and give the guy a kicking, the police were called again and eventually turned up 10 mins later by which time the lads had wandered off and the older bloke had taken a fair beating. Most of us were mums with young children, it was difficult to see how any of us could have safely intervened. This was 3.30pm in the afternoon. If the police had turned up when they were first called it wouldn't have turned out as a nasty assault. Its also a shame they didn't do something about the crackheads but at least they sat some distance away from the children.

Funnily enough - we moved as soon as we could.

How is she being unreasonable?

She thinks he should have called the police. She thinks he should have done that to help. What he should NOT have done was tell them he had, and I flipping agree with her!

There is a violent man, with a woman who thinks that's acceptable, with a grudge against them now. All because her husband ignored her. SHE is the one at home most of the time, not him - with her kids.

In what way does it help the woman in this situation to have him march over and say what he had done? Surely that was him expressing his own anger and outrage. NOT trying to help? They might well have suspected him anyway, but not known. Now they do.

The phone call was essential. Good for him. Going over and asking was brave and I'm glad he did it - showed that was not just going to be ignored as acceptable. But admitting police involvement was down to him, for no good reason, when that puts the OP in fear, she is often home alone, and she'd asked him not to? And the man reported is known to be violent to women?

Sorry but I just don't see why she is unreasonable in not wanting him to do that. It wasn't about helping the victim at all. And I also think it's unacceptable that his anger over a stranger's abuse meant he ignored his own wife's not unreasonable fears, if identified.

If she'd said he should not have got involved, she'd have been grossly unreasonable and not a little callous. As it is, he was.

Sea, you are a heroine.

oh for christs sake you stupid woman. of course he was right to call 999. do you really think he did the wrong thing? he saw someone being abused and he acted on it.
good for him. the people subject to the call will not care one jot about you, him or your kids.

I'm sorry, but there is a certain degree of irony in a post calling someone else stupid when the commenter has either misread plain English, or not bothered to read at all, or just prefers to ignore facts in favour of inventing a scenario and then loftily arguing against it.

The OP WANTED HIM TO CALL THE POLICE. Nor did she blame him for going over and asking if the woman was okay. What she did NOT want was him to rush over and tell them that he'd called the police - not the same thing at all!

OP you have had a shit time of it on this thread. It happens on AIBU now and then. But I have rarely seen so many people ignore what is actually said in favour of a completely invented version. It reads like a lot of people are taking other's comments as the facts and answering accordingly, and not bothering with your own words at all. Really weird.

Involvement / reporting is one thing but it's all very well confronting people on your doorstep when you get in your car and zoom off all day every day leaving your wife and small children alone in the house and having to walk the street unprotected. It's thoroughly arrogant, selfish and thoughtless.

I agree with most of the rest of your post perfectstorm, but saying 'There is a violent man, with a woman who thinks that's acceptable' is simplifying what could be going on in the relationship a tad?

Unless you think people who are in a violent relationship actively and willingly collude in the violence because they think it's a great thing to do?

No, but the OP clearly says the woman was physically violent towards her husband when he went over to make sure she was okay. That doesn't make what happened to her remotely acceptable, but it isn't acceptable for her to assault a man who was trying to help her, either, and it doesn't inspire you with confidence that the OP need fear no aggro from her in future, should they bump into one another. There were 4 adults in that house, all described as aggressive and two violent.

That is not remotely saying that the victim of DV ever deserves violence in any way, shape or form, nor that there is ever any excuse for it. However as there can be no stereotypical abuse victim, and it can happen to absolutely anyone, it can also happen to women who are themselves aggressive and violent to others, as seems to be the case here.

And with respect, I'd appreciate it if you didn't seek to educate me on DV, as you know nothing about my understanding of or exposure to the subject. I assure you it is reasonably clear.

Sorry, that was unreasonably shirty. Am v tired and hormonal atm, and insomnia in the mix is a step too far for my manners.

I was a bit sarky/patronising tbf storm

But I see what you mean about the woman being aggressive to someone helping her.

Maxine Carr attacked someone trying to intervene when Huntley was beating the shit out of her once, looking at what they were like as a couple could go some way to explaining the hold one person can have over another even when they know what's going on is wrong?

Oh, absolutely, I'm aware of the fucked up power dynamic inherent in abusive relationships, and what people can believe about themselves and their relationship - never mind the bloke in question - when trying to live with total cognitive dissonance. Denial isn't an uncommon survival strategy/defence mechanism in that scenario, and it can take varied forms. But that doesn't explain why 4 adults resident in that house were all outraged at the OP's husband's intervention, 2 of whom were women, and it also does explain the OP's fear. She lives near this house, and they rather clearly have no inhibitions surrounding violence. That's scary, despite her supporting her husband reporting this, and whatever her views on the gender/psychological dynamics behind it.

I find it hard to respect him for taking risks his family will be facing alone most of the time, against her wishes, for no benefit to anything but his own masculine pride. I don't understand why so many women on this thread are supporting that standpoint, really. His ego matters more than his family's welfare and his wife's wishes, it seems.

'But that doesn't explain why 4 adults resident in that house were all outraged at the OP's husband's intervention'

Pissed up?

I don't understand the lack of questioning of the OPs DH doing something so nasty either, or why the OP doesn't know why he did it.

WTF?? would be my first question if DH was so uncaring as to stir up a hornets nest then fuck off to work leaving me to worry about what might happen next.

YANBU

I can see why you're unhappy and I agree he has put you at risk.

He should have stayed inside and just called the police, anyone who says otherwise has either never experienced people like this or has way too much faith in how the police can protect you in situations like this.

God. A man does the right thing, calls the police and he is being criticised for his 'masculine pride'. His ego. He is being called 'nasty' now. That is so ridiculous. What a sorry world we live in where a man cannot assist someone ar risk without being criticised in such a horrible way.

He could have called the police from inside his house though? then he would be helping the woman concerned without putting his own family at risk.

I can understand how you feel and why you would feel this way, but I would be more upset if my DP ignored it and did nothing.

They sound like people a friend of mine used to live next door too. It was a similar situation. Sorry that you have neighbours like that when you have DC's about. My friend clubbed together with other neighbours and got them evicted in the end.

Perfectstorm, your point about dv happening to all kinds of people including violent ones was... well, perfect.

So true. And so often ignored or overlooked on here. Bad things happen to good people. But they also happen to bad people. That's reality.

You are being both reasonable and unreasonable for different reasons.

He was quite right to attempt to help someone he saw in trouble, possibly very serious trouble, although I can see why you would prefer that he hadn't. He shouldn't ideally, have told them he had called the police, but he was probably thinking that it would make the man stop abusing the woman if he thought the police were on their way. He probably wasn't thinking about any sort of end result, ie police come and arrest someone - he was probably just thinking about how to make someone stop beating up his partner right in front of him.

I think it is something you can reasonably wish hadn't happened, but I think you are unreasonable to blame him for it and be angry with him. He did, after all, attempt to help someone who was being abused.

Where you are totally unreasonable, however, is in your various posts suggesting - and you do suggest it - that this woman wasn't worth helping because of her subsequent behaviour and the fact she stays in this situation and takes drugs. No-one deserves to be abused and beaten - no matter what their life choices. There is no way of knowing what is going on in her head. One day she might look back on your husband's actions from a much better place and think "I wish I could thank that man".

You should be proud of him, no matter how much you wish this hadn't happened.

An elderly woman i know lived on the same floor (flats) as a woman who was regularly abused by her partner. One day the woman was banging on her door screaming (the partner had had a go at her) and the lady let her in and called the police (on the girls request). Abusive partner was removed from the scene but back next day (the girl blanked the old lady). Police called at ladies door and told her she had 1 hour to pack up her belongings, there was a death threat issued against her and her life was in danger. Old lady left home and was rehoused in rough council estate.

^I'm sorry, this story would definately make me think twice about assisting someone in this situation, my children are more precious to me than someone who is most likely going to return to abusive man anyway prepares to be flamed

Morning all,
What a debate! Ok, i appreciate what you are saying re implying she deserved it. I dont mean it how it sounds, i suppose what i am saying is if it were her against me then my family comes first, that also sounds awful but i know some of you guys get what i mean?!

When i say my husband isnt here, i mean he isnt here for days at a time, so nights too.

Why didnt i ask more questions? Because I was fuming thats why. Because we had already talked about this kind of thing and he had ignored my wishes, although again balancing it out it was heat of the moment.

The policewoman/man - police do a fantastic job, but the moment you called me stupid you lost everyones respect, fact and you realise that I am sure.

I feel a bit better today although am still upset about it all.

My husband isnt nasty at all and I am proud of him but i dont feel he listens to me and this can be about a lot of things so i dont feel he respects my opinion. I think this is one of the reasons I am so cross with him too.

Anyway, thanks for the input was interesting reading.

madmum that is a horrible story, poor poor old woman. BUT could you seriously ignore someone bangign on your door screaming for help? I couldn't i know i couldn't.
As with the OP's DH he acted in the moment he didn't have time to think properly, he witnessed something horrific in front of him, that he had the power to stop, should he have gone round corner and rang police? yes, he should, but he acted on impulse, and i would be proud his impulse was to help someone in need...... And pissed off he had stirred a hornets nest while doing it!

You can call police anyomously and keep your own involvement quiet - indeed this is the approach the police themselves often prefer as it saves on witness protection etc.

Your hubby's first duty is to keep his kids safe. He's a complete idiot. No matter how noble his intentions, he isn't the comic superhero of his boyhood dreams but a muppet who has knowingly placed his own children at great risk.

There was no need at all to inform the violent idiots he was calling the police. That was incredibly stupid and has placed his children at risk. Grown men with a family don't get to be so utterly naive, underpants worn outside trousers only works in Hollywood.

1. What steps is he now taking to reduce the risk to his kids?
2. Is he going to stop working nights & escort you to nursery with a baseball bat?
3. How quickly can you move if there are resprisals as a result of his big mouth?

I wouldn't be rowing about spilt milk, but instead insisting that he addresses these questions as a matter of urgency.

Alienreflux i also couldn't not do it, and i do think the OP's husband did the moral thing by phoning the police etc, BUT we do need to think very carefully about PUBLICALLY doing these things. I would have anonymously phoned, rather than put myself and my children in danger.

Yanbu I have neighbours like this, they kick shit out of each other, and are at the gate then next day with their tongues down each others throat. We don't get involved as we'd get a brick through our window no doubt.

It's hard turning a blind eye but my familys safety comes first.