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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my husband for getting involved in a domestic and calling police?

161 replies

quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 21:07

I feel so cross with my husband.
We have moved house and thank goodness only renting whilst we are looking for a place.
We have some unsavoury neighbours up the road, lots of domestics.

My husband works away and i do feel vunerable here with the kids.

Last night when he left for work he heard a domestic, said blood curdling screams and saw a woman being dragged out into the road.

He went over. Spoke to them, asked if the woman was ok etc. Then got abuse from her.

Called the police and told them he had done so.

I am furious with him.

I asked him not to get involved before. I understand the woman may have needed help but my arguement is to call the police from round the corner and not let them see you.

What if they had a knife? What if they dont like him or us now?

I feel scared now, am i just being silly?

p.s its the fact i asked him not to do this too, i feel he just doesnt listen to me

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 06/10/2012 21:50

"why do people think the woman is always the innocent one?"

Because you told us she was being dragged in the street? Confused

No one deserves that.

midori1999 · 06/10/2012 21:51

This was not a person on the street being attacked. It was a person who is always doing this sort of thing and as i repeat again a woman who turned and got violent with my husband who tried to help her so not the same at all

The above comment implies to me there is some blame there. After all, not an innocent person on the street.... Hmm

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/10/2012 21:52

X post.

I completely understand your worry about things ending up at your door, I do.

But your DH did what he and many other thought was right, he seen a person in danger and tried to help as best he could.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/10/2012 21:52

Yanbu.

It is not that you dont want him to help or care, you just dont want them to SEE that it is HIM calling for help for them. Totally different.

CuriousMama · 06/10/2012 21:52

So the abuse mentioned in the op was violence?

CagneyNLacey · 06/10/2012 21:52

Yup.

I feel like I am reading a slightly off-kilter MN recently. It's all the same but different. And urgh.

Quadrangle · 06/10/2012 21:53

YANBU. YWBU if you were saying he shouldn't have called the police at all, but YANBU to say that he should have done it without telling them to avoid repercussions.

AgentZigzag · 06/10/2012 21:53

So why do you think your DH told them he'd called the police when he knew how it'd make you feel OP?

HecateLarpo · 06/10/2012 21:54

She isn't saying he shouldn't have rung the police at all

Why are people saying that?

I understand the woman may have needed help but my arguement is to call the police from round the corner and not let them see you.

She is just worried that these people may now come round - when her husband isn't there, since My husband works away and i do feel vunerable here with the kids. and put her windows through!

I grew up on a really rough estate where people thought it was normal to get slapped around. Where women would sport a black eye and a busted lip and think nothing of it. Where women actually thought it was ok to get a smack off their bloke and they would turn on you if you had anything to say to him about it. "Leave my bloke alone, you fucking bitch" after you've watched him kick her round the road, and involving the police in anything, for any reason, makes you a 'grass'.

ConstantCraving · 06/10/2012 21:56

I can understand you feel anxious about repercussions - but you must know YABU. It's not a 'domestic' it's domestic violence.

ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin · 06/10/2012 21:56

I agree with Hecate.

Now there's a surprise.

schroedingersdodo · 06/10/2012 21:57

Your DH shouldn't have exposed himself or your family. I understand that probably his blood just boiled, but when we have children we have to learn to shut up and not expose our family like that.

I agree that he should have called the police anonymously.

Original poster
quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 21:57

Thank you!

It is not that you dont want him to help or care, you just dont want them to SEE that it is HIM calling for help for them. Totally different.

. "Leave my bloke alone, you fucking bitch" after you've watched him kick her round the road, and involving the police in anything, for any reason, makes you a 'grass'.

And yes

OP posts:
Original poster
quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 21:59

So why do you think your DH told them he'd called the police when he knew how it'd make you feel OP?

i dont know?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 06/10/2012 22:00

My husband would be free to phone the police, but he should if done it anonymous.

I would be scared of the after effects of DH being a good man

DoMeDon · 06/10/2012 22:02

Agree with Hecate too. YANBU to be scared and feel p'd off. He could have and should have waited till out of sight and not told them what he was doing. He was right to try to help the family but not at the potential expense of his own.

AgentZigzag · 06/10/2012 22:02

Haven't you asked him? Or doesn't he know?

Plomino · 06/10/2012 22:03

I go to many many domestic disturbances , in an area of London where it is far from unsavoury . I go to some addresses more than once a week , and have often been 'turned on ' by the victim , male or female , to the degree where I have literally had to have them pulled off me as we are taking the aggressor out of the door in handcuffs . It happens for a number of reasons , fear of the future repercussions and pent up adrenalin being but two of them .

The people who do this are JUST as much victims , and yes , it is exactly the same as any other person being attacked in the street . How you react to being the victim of violence or your lifestyle , does NOT determine how worthy you are of help .

He did the right thing . He rang for help . It's easy to say what he should have done , but hindsight is easy. Reacting as brilliantly as he did at the time, is not .

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/10/2012 22:07

i think i rather like your dh. i wish you lived near where i did about 2 years ago.

i understand your concerns but seriously he did a good thing

Original poster
quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 22:07

Ok, so you are a police officer, you say he rang for help. Great.
Should he have got involved?

You must see what i am worried about?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 06/10/2012 22:15

I don't think op is unreasonable. I've phoned the police many times on all manner of dodgy neighbours, and street criminals.

But I'd never let them know it was me. Rule one with those types is never phone the police. I'd be scared by the potential repercussions.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/10/2012 22:18

Unbelievable.

Plomino · 06/10/2012 22:19

I do see . Believe me I do .

But on the other hand , I have also been on the scene of at least one domestic murder , where the neighbours have come out with lines like 'we didn't bother ringing you cos they're like it all the time ' . Personally , I'd have waded in , as would DH , even if off duty .

Going back to the practicalities , it may not be as bad as you think . Did he identify himself as a neighbour , or would they already know ? These days people barely know who lives next door . The police won't disclose your details to them . If you really are worried about future problems, ring the officer in the case and explain , and they may be able to get some special measures put in place , but to be honest , and I speak as someone who once had sole responsibility for all 450 such sets of measure on our borough , the number of incidences where they had to be actioned were very very small .

LadyFlumpalot · 06/10/2012 22:22

The OP is not saying he shouldn't have called the police. She is saying he should have called the police and then stayed out of it, for his own family's safety.

TBH, I agree with her. We used to have some people of no fixed address living in an abandoned building behind us. They were always shouting and swearing. I'd have been furious at OH if he had made my family an enemy to them. Especially, if like the OP, he worked away and left me at home alone with my baby for nights on end.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:23

oh for christs sake you stupid woman. of course he was right to call 999. do you really think he did the wrong thing? he saw someone being abused and he acted on it.
good for him. the people subject to the call will not care one jot about you, him or your kids.

if you have any problems from them then you call the police.