To be annoyed with my husband for getting involved in a domestic and calling police?

[quitepdoff]

I feel so cross with my husband.
We have moved house and thank goodness only renting whilst we are looking for a place.
We have some unsavoury neighbours up the road, lots of domestics.

My husband works away and i do feel vunerable here with the kids.

Last night when he left for work he heard a domestic, said blood curdling screams and saw a woman being dragged out into the road.

He went over. Spoke to them, asked if the woman was ok etc. Then got abuse from her.

Called the police and told them he had done so.

I am furious with him.

I asked him not to get involved before. I understand the woman may have needed help but my arguement is to call the police from round the corner and not let them see you.

What if they had a knife? What if they dont like him or us now?

I feel scared now, am i just being silly?

p.s its the fact i asked him not to do this too, i feel he just doesnt listen to me

Drug user or not, this woman was still being abused and you're ANNOYED at your husband for bravely stepping in to help her? Even worse, you seem to take HER behaviour as a reason for saying she didn't deserve his help .

YABU, and I'm very glad that there are good people in the world, like your husband, who will still put someone else's desperate need first in the heat of the moment.

I know from experience the police don't necessarily come out after dialling 999 Vicar, some freak drop kicking our car windows when DD1 was little and in the back apparently wasn't an emergency worthy of a response.

The apology I got from some inspector or chief inspector afterwards didn't make me feel a whole lot more confident.

In fact, the three times I've had to call them on 999 they've been pretty useless (I'm not saying that having a go at you though Vicar)

Vicarinatutu, nobody is saying don't phone 999 - just that you shouldn't let the people involved know if you are informing the police. And quite frankly I've experienced this and though the police will turn out for a domestic they won't be interested if the people who informed them take flack for it afterwards.

You were demanding that if they did they should call the police - but the police wouldn't be interested unless it got to the point where you were in immediate danger as you said yourself - and who wants to get to the point of being in immediate danger?

"He committed an assault because he was a hotheaded teenager in a volatile situation."

clearly ok then. being a hot headed teen is a legal defence to assualt and all the consequences thereon.

im hiding the thread now.

I dont live in somewhere middle class and leafy, I live in Newham, and I would expect my husband to get involved in any disturbances outside the house late at night. and he has done in the past.

It is about community.

Vicar...

We were victimised by our neighbours, my hubby went to the downstairs flat one night to ask them politely to please turn their music down and he got jumped.
He screamed for me to call the police, which I did.
My hubby ran upstairs and we barricaded the door til the police arrived.
1 Police officer and 2 specials turned up.
While we were telling the police what was happening the neighbours downstairs and their mates were banging rythmically on the walls with their fists chanting "Get the fuck out".
The specials were very sympathetic, the police officer was not, he was openly disdainful of us and proceeded to tell us that they couldn't protect us, asbo's wern't worth the paper they were printed on and to take my children and leave that very night!
We were taken to my parents house with an escort, it was 2am, my children were in their pj's and I was in tears. When I got to my mums I started vomitting from stress.
When we applied for alternative houseing by our local HA not only was I told that we had made ourselves "intentinionally homeless" but when the HA contacted the police to get written proof of the incident the attending officer had not filed the complaint and there was no paperwork, therefore no proof that the incident even happened!
I had every confidence until that point.
I recognise that the police are overloaded, understaffed and the government have taken half their powers away but that doesn't help us.
Being sarcastic and spiteful doesn't help your argument that the police are generally good and public spirited?
The police officially have always stated that the public should NOT intervene in such matters as it is not safe... so you are giving a mixed message by saying OP's hubby did the right thing, he put himself at risk so it was NOT the right thing, sad but true.

'A genuine woman'?

YABU. Who are you to say whether she is 'genuine' because she drinks/takes drugs.

Many DV victims have coping strategies that seem strange, doesn't make them any less at risk of violence or any less in need of support/help.

Think about the reasons behind why she might have yelled abuse at your husband- why might she have wanted him to go away and not get involved.

Good on your husband for calling the police- too many people don't want to get involved with a 'domestic' but it is everyone's responsibility to challenge the perpetrators.

I have to say Yoghurty that ime screaming "abuse" is sometimes used by made pissed up harpies as a defence for their own behaviour. H and I have both worked in pubs and we used to live over the road from one particularly savoury establishment. One incident sticks the memory. A woman was battering, literally, her partner. She was being dragged off him by several huge blokes and was still going completely crackers. When the police turned up, she was screaming and shouting that he had attacked her and despite the fact that he was a bloody cowering mess, HE was arrested. She was a nutter, known for it, but she got away with it. She later attacked the landlady of the pub who called the police.

mad not made

Yabu you are not your husbands boss, who do you think you are?grow up

you win.
take your pick. whichever suits
YANBU
or
YABU.
whatever.

i am hiding this now as it drives home all that is totally screwed about society and how the police are used within it.

smeghead you're talking about one example i-y-e- I'm referring to the hundreds of women I work with every year.

I'm not saying that women can't abuse men- they can and they do- but saying that someone is not a genuine victim because they drink, take drugs or scream at others to keep away is doing victims a disservice and helps perpetuate abuse and violence against women in society

Vicar I think your biggest issue is your attitude!

No one is criticising the police, merely pointing out that your idea of a reasonable response time or a situation that requires an immediate response, may be very different from that of a family who are cleaning up dog shit from their letterbox....again. Or have half a dozen members of a family screaming abuse from outside their house who are then told that they must report it to the council as the police cant or wont arrest them.

Why take it so personally? We know that the police have had their hands tied in many situations. We also know (as do you) that there are some shit cops out there, as there are shit people in all jobs. Just because you believe that you are doing the best job you can in the circumstances, doesnt mean that every situation is dealt with in the best way by every cop in every force for every victim concerned.

Dont get me wrong Yoghurty, i know you are right, but I was just saying that it is a common defence for abusive women and that 99 times out of 100, it works.

There are far more abused men out there than are acknowledged :(

You can't really expect to call the OP a stupid woman for worrying about repercussions and not be challenged Vicar.

Nothing to do with 'winning', just posters talking about their own experiences of the opposite to having an effective police response.

Also nothing to do with personally attacking you and the job you do, or even the police as a whole (or not in my posts anyway) only the way you've worded your posts.

Oh God, wish I hadn't seen this thread tonight.
I've just had to call the police tonight about a domestic involving an adult and a youngish child, and although the police said I would remain anonymous, the lay out of the houses means that it could ONLY have been me who called.
I'm worried about the repercussions it will bring, but would have been much more worried for the young girl if I stood back and did nothing.
If they make my life difficult from now, fine, but hopefully it will have done something to protect the child. For tonight anyway.

FWIW, I called 101 because I wasn't sure how seriously it needed to be treated, and they told me the serverity of the domestic warranted an immediate response and the police were here within minutes.

I won't sleep after the things I've heard tonight

Good for you Sea, you may have saved a little girls life tonight.

Sleep with that in your heart xx

X-posts with you Smeg.

I can understand your fears OP but I also understand that your husband acted on the eat of the moment. Ai think many posters here who are giving you a hard time would probably be cowering behind their curtains if the same happened to them. Easy to be brave and superior behind their computer screens. I know the kind of people you are talking about and I wouldn't want to mess with them. And I have put myself myself on the line and intervened physically in a domestic violence situation with a neighbour, don't know if I would have done the same in the circumstances you ave described.

I would have definitely phoned the police in your case but maybe not challenged them in person.

Vicar I nearly always agree with your posts, but it seems like on this occasion you are being deliberately obtuse. There are several people telling you that they did not get the support or response they expected when they called he police regarding various matters and you have not once agreed that responses/officers/forces/units may well vary from area to area, and it a sad fact that the police response is not always what it should be

I lived in a naice part of West London next to a little old lady. The little old lady died. A bunch of crackheads took over the house. It was a fucking nightmare. One night it was really kicking off next door and it got so bad I thought someone would come through my living room wall. Then I heard someone shout "shoot him" and the next thing I knew there were people bagging on my door and throwing stones up at my window to get in. My window smashed and i was terrified . I called the police and they did turn up. Three and a half hours later. They did nothing.

My neighbours started threatening me for calling the police and would be sat on my doorstep when I got home from work. I called the police again and was told to 'keep a diary' . I moved instead.

Vicar why on earth do you involve yourself in these threads when you nearly always end up going off on one?

Just because it's what you do for a living, doesn't mean you actually have to take part in every thread that talks about the Police force...especially as they seem to stress you out so much

If you worked as a refuse collector would you get involved and get upset in every thread where someone moaned about their bin collection?

XPosted with Smeg and Agent

It's not a personal attack vicar. Just an undeniable observation

It's natural to worry about repercussions though sometimes an independent witness is the only person who can corroborate the incident. So many investigations fail because the only witnesses refuse to get involved ( for good reasons). It is self preservation that makes a DA victim turn on any good Samaritan. If a victim publicly voices her support of the offender, she gets to live another day. She cannot be blamed.
OP, your husband did a good thing but I understand your concerns.

Sorry to keep banging on about it OP, but have you asked your DH why he told them he'd called the police when he knew it'd make you feel more vulnerable?

It's an odd thing for him to do, and I'd be more angry at him for doing that than scared of the neighbours.

Does he often do stuff he knows will scare you shitless knowing you'll be on your own?