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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my husband for getting involved in a domestic and calling police?

161 replies

quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 21:07

I feel so cross with my husband.
We have moved house and thank goodness only renting whilst we are looking for a place.
We have some unsavoury neighbours up the road, lots of domestics.

My husband works away and i do feel vunerable here with the kids.

Last night when he left for work he heard a domestic, said blood curdling screams and saw a woman being dragged out into the road.

He went over. Spoke to them, asked if the woman was ok etc. Then got abuse from her.

Called the police and told them he had done so.

I am furious with him.

I asked him not to get involved before. I understand the woman may have needed help but my arguement is to call the police from round the corner and not let them see you.

What if they had a knife? What if they dont like him or us now?

I feel scared now, am i just being silly?

p.s its the fact i asked him not to do this too, i feel he just doesnt listen to me

OP posts:
BridgetBidet · 06/10/2012 22:24

He did the right thing ringing the police but YANBU because there was absolutely no need for him to tell them he had rung the police. It wasn't necessary and has only served to put you at risk.

In all honesty I truly believe those people having a go at you are probably living in places which are leafy and middle class and to them this is just a theoretical discussion and they don't actually have any idea of the shit he might have brought to your door.

I have been in a similar situation myself and it wasn't worth it, the person we were apparently helping mounted a campaign of abuse and intimdation against us in the aftermath.

BridgetBidet · 06/10/2012 22:25

Oh of course VicarinaTutu. Because the police always dash out for any antisocial behaviour don't they?

AgentZigzag · 06/10/2012 22:26

Can you not understand just a little bit why the OP might have reservations about relying on the police to be able to give her help if she needed it Vicar?

She's not stupid to at least be concerned, and it's a bit harsh of you to call her that.

Smeghead · 06/10/2012 22:28

Am I the only one who read the OP?

She said that she asked him not to do it infront of the people concerned. She was asking him to ring them and NOT TELL THEM.

She wasnt telling him to ignore it!

Toothiepeg · 06/10/2012 22:30

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quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 22:32

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BridgetBidet · 06/10/2012 22:32

When this happened to me and my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) it kicked off totally afterwards and we had to move away in the end. But before that we had threats and abuse off the 'victim' to the point where I couldn't leave my flat alone and walk down the two flights of stairs to the street because I felt so threatened. If my husband worked on a Saturday I would have to stay in the house all day because there was no way it was safe for me to get in and out on my own. Heaven forbid if we'd had children it would have been a nightmare.

And as far as the police go it's the typical 'Keep a diary, phone the council, nobody is going to do anything about it'.

puds11 · 06/10/2012 22:32

My Ex had a friend who intervened in a domestic dispute. A woman was having the shit kicked out of her by her DP. When he tried to help her, they both kicked the shit out of him.

I can understand the OP's reservations as it could be putting her family in danger, however, i do think your DP did the right thing.

Original poster
quitepdoff · 06/10/2012 22:33

oh and yes, they will recognise him and know where we live.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:35

yes. for domestics we do. the cirumstances as described here would make it an immediate response.

fair enough to say he did not have to intervene, but perhaps his intervention prevented somethng worse.

the OP seems worried about repercussions - that doesnt usually happen, does the couple involved know who he is and where he lives? are they willing to risk another call to them for further offences?

i would say he did the right thing.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:37

OP - you posted in AIBU.

i apologise for my language but i still think you were being unreasonable to suggest your DH did the wrong thing.

i am a police officer. i am used to getting a kicking for doing fuck all in the publics eyes - are you? is it one rule for me and another for everyone else?

i think your DH did the right thing. morally right. its doubtful you will have any problems following but if you do, you phone the police. they/we are there to protect you as well.

LadyFlumpalot · 06/10/2012 22:39

Vicar Repercussions don't usually happen? I'm still after over ten years, not allowed out of my OH's sight in his home town as he punched a traveller (fact, not a generalisation). The family in question would quite happily take revenge on me or our toddler...

nurseneedshelp · 06/10/2012 22:39

I wish a neighbour had come to see if I was ok when my crazy ex was beeating the living day lights out of me! I hope to god no one thought "oh there having another domestic"

I've never read a post thats made me so mad before, "unsavoury" I think you need to get your head out your arse and stop being so bloody stuck up, good on your husband

LadyFlumpalot · 06/10/2012 22:40

I'm missing a comma there somewhere, but I'm tired and can't figure out where.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:42

have you reported this lady? and why did you OH commit an assault?

travellers are a law unto themselves. but the fact is they do still have to abide by the law and the law should get involved if they dont.

most domestics are do not involve travellers though. i suspect the one the OP is talking about doesnt involve a traveller family...

AgentZigzag · 06/10/2012 22:43

But what about if they did decide to start on the OP and the circumstances were different Vicar?

Could she rely, beyond a shadow of doubt, on a fast and effective police response?

I don't think you can say they would.

It's possible the neighbours couldn't give a flying fuck about risking further police contact.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 06/10/2012 22:46

OP Yanbu - I bet it is possible to say what sort of areas everyone who has posted on this thread has lived in by what they've posted.
And Vicar - really? you are a police officer and you DARE to say they will ALWAYS come when called to anti social behaviour and intimidation by nieghbours and locals when they think someone has grassed them up for something? I call bullSHIT. That is just not true, or if it is, you are in some utopian dream force somewhere naice. Round here it's bull. I had to stand in the street with my 18 month old DS in my arms in our jamas while the house semi-detached to mine burned to the ground and the firemen stood by and watched because the locals were throwing stones and "it wasn't safe" and the police did fuck all. My neighbour had made the almost fatal mistake of calling the police to report the campaign of harassment his family were subject to after he refused to buy alcohol and cigarettes for a ten year old at the local shop (google Gareth Brogden, he was that ten yr old) so don't tell me the police always come, and treat everyone the same regardless of where they live because I bloody well know better.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:47

yes! an immediate response is an immediate response - if you are in danger there and then, if you are in immediate danger the response time is dictated.

it has sod all to do with who is involved and has more to do with whether the person phoning 999 at that moment is in immediate danger.

if the person has rung from the other end of the country to their alleged attacker then it wont get treated as immediate - if they are stood in front of them then it would be treated as immediate.

it depends on the immediacy of the job. if someone is in danger there and then its treated as an immeidate repsonse regardless of what or who is inolved.

what tends to happen is that people think they should get an immediate response when they in fact shouldnt because they are not in any immediate danger.
we whizz about all over risking our own lives when most immediate jobs are anything but....

Plomino · 06/10/2012 22:47

I have plenty of ideas about shit being brought to my door . That's why I didn't tell anyone what we did for a living until we'd been here two years and got to know our neighbours . And yes , where I live it is leafy . And middle class . Didn't stop my neighbour 3 doors down dousing his wife and his home in petrol , and then threatening her with a loaded shotgun , and me having armed police creeping through my back garden .

And fwiw , I'm not having a go . I see the OP's point , but I also see why her
DH did what he did . It happened in the heat of the moment , and it's done now .

BridgetBidet · 06/10/2012 22:49

Vicarinatutu - yes you would come out for a domestic, that's right. But next week when the 'victim' is posting shit through the OPs letterbox or her windows are mysteriously put through or she's having abuse shouted at her in the street that won't have you racing down there with the blues and twos on will it?

That was exactly what happened to me and my DH, police came out to sort the neighbours domestic, but when we started getting abuse of the 'victim' for calling the police to try and help her we were not a priority. It was antisocial behaviour and we were fobbed off, the police weren't interested.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/10/2012 22:51

i give up. actually dont bother phoning us ever.if we are so shit - dont bother calling us. good idea eh?

that would be better for us.
ignore all domestics. ignore ignore ignore. dont bother calling us because we wont act at all. we are all liars and better a women is abused than anyone bothers to lift a finger to dial 999 because we are totally useless.

is that better?

good. goodnight.

midori1999 · 06/10/2012 22:54

It's one thing for the OP to not want to risk her family being victimised and that is understandable. It is quite another to imply that hee Dh actually shouldn't have intervened because the women being assaulted wasn't 'innocent'.

LadyFlumpalot · 06/10/2012 22:56

He committed an assault because he was a hotheaded teenager in a volatile situation. I've given him enough grief over it - believe me, I'd like to be able to stroll down to their local shop by myself. I'm 28 years old and it's ridiculous!

Haven't reported it, as nothing has been said or directly threatened. It's just that knowing the family in question (one son is currently in prison for kidnapping a mother and child an holding them hostage for nothing other than a dare) it's a case of safe rather than very sorry.

musicalendorphins · 06/10/2012 22:59

I'd feel unsafe under the circumstances you describe. I would always call the police if knew of any physical fighting going on, whoever it was, I would call, but I wouldn't be standing in front of them and telling them I did so.

Nagoo · 06/10/2012 23:00

I do understand the OP, and I agree that in this type od scenario I would call the police but not involve myself personally, as these are your neighbours and you need to try to keep your head down and live a peaceful life.

No one disputes that the DH acted correctly in calling the police.

OP, maybe you should see it that your DH assumes people are a little bit better than they are. That is not a failing.