Because i dont bloody well think i am!

[mosschops30]

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

Are you all seriously saying i should leave my marriage, with 3 children, because hes lazy and sulky and doesnt show me much respect

In a word - yes. Being shown respect is pretty much at the top of my list of 'must-haves' from a partner. As is pulling his weight and not sulking/acting like a 4th child.

Oh and not undermining my career. And not calling me psychotic or saying he doesn't like me.

But you seem to have some screwed-up notion that it's OK because he's not raping you. And it concerns me that's the second time you've used that argument to defend him.

I think you should decide what you are prepared to do and just do that. You will have to live with some consequences for a while (e.g. him moaning his washing isn't done etc). He is not willing to have a sensible discussion about divvying up the jobs so you make a fair allocation.

One tip I have, is that my DH often doesn't want to do a job when I would like it done. So now I say I've done the packed lunches and I've left the washing up for you. As long as the washing up is done by the next morning I have learnt to ignore it and let DH choose when he does it.

hesterton - good post. DH is a bit of a sulker too.

I accept actions as an apology. If I have said to DH he isn't being fair and is lumping too much work on me in the evenings (spot the theme) and he starts doing more of a fair share, I accept that as an acknowledgement from him that he was wrong.

I dont know number, i have been in a very abusive relationship a long time ago.
Now he really undermined me, robbed me of any self esteem, witheld money, beat me, raped me, made me detached from family and friends, was threatening and violent.

Me and dh have been married just over 10 years, we've had our ups and downs but he does have good points too.

chazs i am a very much 'i want this done now' person and dh hates that

I find it hard to switch off if there is work to be done which is why I now compartmentalise the jobs into my responsibility / his responsibility. Once my jobs are done I sit down because I have finished my work. Its up to him when he does his work. This has taken a lot of effort on my part, much tongue biting and sitting on hands. DH does do the jobs but often he will wash up just before bed etc.

If you decided to leave then as far as I can see is the only impact it would have on you is less work.

How old is youngest because as far as I can see neither your 16 or 7 year old need much supervision at bath and bedtime.

So he saying because he does the out I.e. cut the grass/wash the car one a month and bath/bedtime of 1 maybe 2 children that the same as all of what you do.

You need to include the three children in your list of jobs too.

You cook, the two oldest wash, dry and put away. The youngest can probably help with that too, but you know what he's like and whether that's a disaster waiting to happen!

Meanwhile, dh tidies the sitting room, or does bath time.

Your two oldest can do their own washing too, and dd can certainly iron, I'd imagine ds1 can too, so everyone does their own except ds2. You do his.

Dh does the bins and outside stuff (what does that consist of btw?). I imagine it's not too onerous, but might be equivalent to you doing the shop. You can both assign a child or children to help.

Dh hoovers, you clean bathroom, or the other way round.

Does that seem reasonable? It's quite hard without knowing the absolute ins and outs of your whole life - what time people get in, leave, mealtimes etc. I hope it gives you some sort of starting point.

If he's not prepared to give it a real try, then I'd talk about couple counselling.

I agree that you need to include the kids.

The oldest 2 take it in turns to load/unload the dishwasher, the younger ones do the "10 minutes!!!!" It means that we spend 10 minutes have a whizz round tidying up and whatever is out is put away, no matter who it belongs to (worked that one out after months of "But I didnt get this out!")

They also take their own clean washing up and put it away and strip their beds on linen washing day.

These jobs dont take much time for one person to do, but makes a huge difference for the person that does most of the housework, so me!

But be careful not to make the kids do the stuff that he should be doing. It's not up to them to cover his shortcomings.

Ok here goes:

Dd:
Clean own room and hoover weekly
Make bed daily
Put washing in basket or on piles
Take own washing up and iron if needed
Clear up after dinner with ds1
Empty dishwasher

Ds1:
Make bed in morning
Open curtains and blinds in morning
Put dirty washing in basket
Make breakfast for himself and ds2
Help dd tidy up after dinner
Tidy away any toys before bed
Feed dog

Ds2: (speech and language delay so difficult at the moment)
Bring clothes in to get dressed
Tidy away toys before bed
Put dirty washing in basket

Me:
Will take dcs to school/childminder daily
Will do all washing for myself and dcs that is in basket
Cook tea when i am home first
Alternate bath and bed times with dh
Will food shop but not put away
Will iron my own clothes and any school uniforms
Will clean upstairs or downstairs weekly
Will equally share extra curricular stuff
Empty bins as required

Dh:
Do own washing and ironing
Cook tea when home first
Alternate bath and bed time with me
Put away food shopping
Will clean upstairs or downstairs weekly
Will equally share extra curricular stuff
Empty bins as required
Mow gardens

How does that sound? Have i missed anything?

Sounds fine to me. You can always refine the list as you come across new things or if something doesn't work particularly well.

will your dh deliberately come home later than you, so he doesn't have to cook?

You might want a weekly food menu, so he knows what you want made for dinner.

The cooking dinner is a bugbear in this house. When he's working (and I am working from home) I do everything and do dinner, bedtime etc as he is rarely back in time. When he is off and I am working in my office or in meetings I do everything, prep dinner and have to make a point of asking him to cook it. He will do it but it bloody bugs me that I have to ask. And all he does is look after the baby, he doesnt do washing or tidying etc unless i ask him to.

Its not that he wont do it, he will, but I feel that he shouldnt have to be asked. I dont do his washing or ironing anyway, so that isnt a bug bear at least!

Oh and this is a weekly thing, so it isnt like I spring it on him! He knows that 2 days a week I am in the office and he will have to do dinner unless I finish early, hardly a surprise!

Me and Dh now sick
Dd had mild hysterics over having to prepare corned beef hash saying it hurt her hands
Then had another tantrum when I told her to take her own clothes upstairs - 'I have honework'! Yeah me too.
However I know she will spend 3 hours on twitter and Facebook and half an hour doing homework.
Tis not a happy household.

Have just been offered a job 300 miles away for the 2nd time in 2 weeks! Can't say I'm not tempted to just bugger off and leave them all to it

Out of interest, OP, what do you actually get out of this marriage? What does he do for you?

Errmm .......
I love him
He does manly stuff
Helps with the dcs
Supports me when I'm ill
Great in bed
We have a fun group of friends
He pays for lots of stuff

I don't think this is completely unfixable, but you are going to have to seriously change your behaviour and expectations and demand far higher standards from him, if you want to be happy, long term.

Carry on as you have been and someone with selfish, lazy tendencies will continue to take the piss. They are, by nature, too selfish and lazy to alter by themselves, in order to make you happy. They have to be forced into it.

If you think he has enough redeeming qualities to make it worth the bother, then best of luck. But you will have to be insistent and he will resist change because he quite likes how things are already.

He should make his own lunch, too, if he isn't already.

Ooh noooo expat I never do lunch. Much to his disgust as 'all the other blokes have great lunch boxes'

'Ooh noooo expat I never do lunch. Much to his disgust as 'all the other blokes have great lunch boxes' '

FFS! Who used to wipe his arse before you came along?

I would have just smashed the xbox over his big baby head

You're not really selling him! And your list isn't hugely convincing either.

The dynamic in your relationship seems to have gone off kilter. Once you are both well you need to right it or you are going to struggle with all of your commitments

Hope you are feeling better. Maybe him getting sick was karma!

Moss it is the lack of respect that would be the deal breaker for me - how can you bear to let him speak to you like that? You said up thread somewhere that you have good self-esteem, but I would really disagree if you are prepared to be treated in this way.

Why should you wait on him just because you are a woman?

I could not stay in a marriage like yours, a little piece of me would die every day.

Moss - what is missing from your list? Does he love you? Where does that fit in alongside him calling you a psycho?

"all the other blokes have great lunchboxes"

If I were you, I'd be checking out those other lunchboxes.