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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because i dont bloody well think i am!

272 replies

mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 20:33

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

OP posts:
MrsHerculePoirot · 04/10/2012 21:01

My dad cut the plug off our TV when we repeatedly left a mess and didn't do homework before playing/watching TV when we were younger. It took him such a long time to get it sorted out again afterwards, we always did our homework first!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:02

The problem with dh is that he never ever apologises, even when hes in the wrong, its bloody annoying!
I just cant keep on like this every night, get in, cook, clean up, washing, ironing then finally sit down about 8.30pm. Thats 3 hours after i get in.

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 04/10/2012 21:02

You need to tell him to stop taking the piss and start helping with housework or you're selling the Xbox, since it seems to be stopping him from doing anything useful.

bringmeroses · 04/10/2012 21:04

the problem with dh is he's not pulling his weight, never mind the apology! Deeds not words!!

Numberlock · 04/10/2012 21:06

The Xbox isn't the issue! Him being a twat is. OP you need to take drastic action starting immediately. Just do the minimum for you and kids, nothing for him and make it clear to the kids that they will be helping out now. The 7 year old can certainly do plenty to help.

Is there anything positive to say about your husband or is this long overdue?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:07

I think the rota is a good idea, at least everyone knows where they stand.

Yes ive always done the bulk of the housework, dh takes care of the garden and bins (although i did bins tonight as they were stinking and overflowing).
When i was part time it was fine but right now i just cant cope. He even thinks my two days away were a 'jolly' despite me not getting there until midnight on sunday, working 9-5 mon and tues then flying home and getting in at 11pm! I went to bed on monday at 7.30pm just because i could!

OP posts:
Numberlock · 04/10/2012 21:09

Garden and bins don't take 3 hours a night though which is what you spend daily on house stuff.

Numberlock · 04/10/2012 21:09

So he also dismisses your career. Another red flag.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:10

Yes dh has plenty of positives, when i was ill after dc3 birth he did everything on his own for 8 weeks, took care of me, did all the washing, cooking, cleaning, school runs, all feeds etc.
He works hard, doesnt drink or stay out.
He does feel like he 'deserves' one day at the weekend just for him where he goes surfing for a few hours. Not sure where my few hours are though!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2012 21:12

Sounds like you need to do a rota which includes "fun with dc" and "me" time and how long the chores take.

Numberlock · 04/10/2012 21:13

How old is dc3?

TheWalkingDead · 04/10/2012 21:15

YANBU mosschops - it's completely disrespectful behaviour from your H. He is supposed to be setting an example and should step up to the plate in doing his part in the house, especially as you seem to have a particularly heavy workload at the moment and could do with the support; imo that's what a marriage is supposed to be. If your DS is old enough he can start doing things for himself, too.

Dozer · 04/10/2012 21:15

He sounds horrible. The "positives" you mention are hardly great. Not drinking/staying out/having a job is basic stuff. He did the housework and stuff when you had DC3, great, but since (and probably before) then has chosen to leave you to do it all, disrespect you and undermine you with the DC and in your job. Why are you putting up with it?

Dozer · 04/10/2012 21:17

MN mantra of Equal leisure time applies here.

Surfing every weekend?! As a break from his hard life of being waited on?

You need a little more than a rota and wire-cutters here.

omfgkillmenow · 04/10/2012 21:21

Ah now see where you went wrong was trying to turn off the TV. Just go in the cupboard and trip the leccy switch.....

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:27

Damn, i missed tripping the leccy switch Grin

dozer im with him because i love him, he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc. please dont start the 'leave the bastard' cries.

He is a total prick over this, i agree we need some discussion about roles, but im not likely to divorce him over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:28

Sorry dcs are 16, 7 and 3

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 04/10/2012 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bushymcbush · 04/10/2012 21:34

Yanbu, you need a much fairer division of labour.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 21:38

schmaltz i have no problem with anyone using the xbox, but not whilst i am expected to tidy up and pick up clothes that other people have left on the floor.

Can i ask did your exH have other issues or was it just this sort of stuff that makes him ex?

OP posts:
Numberlock · 04/10/2012 21:39

What household jobs does the 16 year old do?

babybythesea · 04/10/2012 21:40

Well, if they are making more work for you by leaving things messy in the kitchen, then I don't think you've got time to be doing the other things for them do you? Like washing and ironing (aimed at your DH and maybe also at the oldest DC - he's plenty big enough to be able to wash his own clothes.)
If they have no clean socks then they either need to wash them, or tidy up after themselves so you have the time to wash them.

It shows a massive disrespect for you and your time, to assume you are only there to pick up after them. The subtext is that they are far more important than you. Do you have any daughters? DH is a lot this way inclined too, mainly because of his upbringing which was very traditional - his mother did everything, as well as working full time. His Dad still won't make his own sandwich if there is a woman around to do it for him. I have partly managed to improve things by pointing out that he is setting the example for dd (whom he worships beyond belief!). Does he really want her to grow up thinking she's only good enough to wait on men? That she must do everything for them so they can relax while she works? He emphatically does not want that. He wants her treated like a princess. It hasn't totally changed him but it does make him think more carefully about the behaviour he's modelling for her.

kindleholicsannonymous · 04/10/2012 21:41

Well if he can manage 8wks of doing stuff then he can manage doing the odd bit around the house. DH was so used to me doing all the general house stuff he had a great big Shock when I started my full time nursing course. 12hr shifts as well as studying=v v messy house

DH and DS(then 13) had no choice but to man up because I refused to do everything by myself. I did laundry etc for DD(then 3) and whatever was not in the basket didn't get done. DS had the power cable and controller to the Xbox taken away more times than enough and DH was told that if he expected a clean and tidy house then he would have to do the housework (and not rope MIL into it Grin).

Took a while (and lots of Wine and closing eyes to mess lowering my standards adapting to DH's standards) but we now share the housework pretty much 50:50 ie if we're both in then one will do upstairs while the other does downstairs. Now I just have to persuade him that he's a better cook then I am so that I don't have to do 99% of the cooking Grin

OHforDUCKScake · 04/10/2012 21:46

I'd go absolutely ape shit if my partner treated me in that way in front of my sons.

If there is one thing I feel I want DP and I to teach our sons its that they respect women. How your husband acted is the total opposite to that, and your som laughed? Id personally find that very concerning. But I perhaps dwell on a different area of concern than others because I have a bee in my bonnet that I want my sons to treat women well.

Its good to hear that he's not a prick all the time but I think now is the time to explain that it was far from a joy and list all the shit load of stuff you had to come back to. As well as the above issue

Dozer · 04/10/2012 21:47

Sad re the things you highlight as the reasons for being with him, hope you're being sarcastic.

I didn't say leave him, just highlighted that his behaviour at the moment is pretty shitty.

Hope you get this sorted OP.