Because i dont bloody well think i am!

[mosschops30]

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

Oh no, poor you. I agree with Hesterton though, he sounds like a sulker (I have one of those) and is probably relieved to have found a way out. Hesterton - how did you break the sulking cycle?

Great post hesterton lots of interesting points there.
Would love to know how you got out of that cycle

My Dad sulked throughout my childhood. It was awful. My Mum became brilliant at dealing with it. She's say "Ignore your Father - he's sulking." She'd laugh it off, turn his sulk into a way of belittling him.

He stopped at some point during my teens and hasn't sulked since. I guess he'd had enough of his wife and children looking down on him.

I really respect my Mum for taking back the power.

That is a great description of sulking, but it is a personality trait and not a 'disability'..

:)

Hesterton, yes, I think you were saying it hampers you in life? It's OK :)

The issue tho Moss is that I remember a thread where he got his arse in his hands about you having ordered something like shampoo / deodorant on the shopping list so there was this really minimal 'extra' on the shopping tab that he paid for. He was pretty awful about it too. I am concerned that his behaviour has been borderline abusive for years both emotionally and financially.

I hope you are feeling better, mosschops.

I think that you are giving your husband too much credit for last night. He is your husband - what he did, he is supposed to do. You don't have to think highly of him because he fulfilled the basic function of being a spouse (taking care of you when you were sick). It's kind of in the contract.

He has still behaved like a total git, generally takes you for granted and has encouraged your child to behave with a complete lack of respect towards you. That I would find very hard to forgive.

Don't let all this be swept away just because he behaved the way he is supposed to behave, when you were ill - this other stuff still needs to be dealt with.

Ok, now we are speaking again i have attempted to divvy up jobs.

Dh said he does outside and i do inside
i said ok lets swap
He said ok but im not ironing and washing doesnt get separated
i said forget it.

I said you used to tidy up after i cooked dinner
He said yes but now i do bathtime and put kids to bed (fair point)
But still means i do cooking and clearing up

I said you shoukd do the food shop
He sais when i do the food shop you moan that i buy the wrong stuff (true)

Now he said he doesnt want to talk about it because its winding him up.

Any suggestions of where i go from here? Because whatever i say has some backlash

He is shooting down every suggestion that you make. Why the fuck can't he do ironing?

I suggest that you do your ironing and he does his. If he's going to be obstructive, then separate washing too.

Alternate the bathtime/bedtime and cooking/washing up.

Compile a list for shopping or you shop and he puts it all away.

Share the outside jobs - I bet there are far fewer of those than inside jobs.

Remember it is not up to him to decide he's had enough of talking about this - there are two of you in this relationship.

Lists and rotas are your way forward. Fuck whether he wants to discuss it or not!

Great

i have already stopped doing his washing and ironing (not sure if hes noticed yet).

Its very frustrating when he doesnt talk about things.

As usual i got the 'we had this discussion when you took this job/course that it shouldnt have any impact on the family'
I this means = doesnt impact on me being A FUCKING LAZY BASTARD!!!

Your job is as important as his. I bet his job impacts on the family. The house and children are not solely your responsibility, with your job to be slotted in somehow. They are his children and house too and therefore as much his to look after as yours.

I do outside and you do inside

Unless you have a large and complicated garden to maintain to show standard, outside means a few hours a month MAX. Bloody hell.

hang on in there mosschops, you are doing brilliantly. Keep it up.

we had this discussion when you took this job/course that it shouldnt have any impact on the family

I think what he meant to say was that your job/course shouldn't have had any impact on HIM actually having to start pulling his weight.

numberlock i think you are right.
His job starts early so i do school drop offs and arrange pick ups from after school clubs. Although im sure if i used this argument, the answer woukd be 'well id love to drop the kids off, maybe you should go to work at 6am'
bangs head on wall

I wouldn't be able to put up with a miserable, lazy, childish person who disliked me and showed so little respect for me.

Best of luck.

So what do i do.

Are you all seriously saying i should leave my marriage, with 3 children, because hes lazy and sulky and doesnt show me much respect?
Or am i totally insane thinking that most peoples lives are like a film where the man is wonderful and everyone is blissfully happy.

I mean i often work with women who have been raped, beaten, tortured etc. are in fear of their lives - my problems seem mild in comparison.

You do what you feel best.

But yeah, I'd leave. No, no one is perfect and no one's marriage is a like a film. But someone who thinks his prick entitles him treat his spouse like a skivvy, who shows no respect for her career, who manipulates by sulking, who is passive aggressive and unwilling to pull his fair weight in life is a dealbreaker for me.

Why would you want to stay married to a man who is lazy and sulky and doesn't show you much respect and has told you he doesn't even like you?

Your kids are growing up thinking that this is how men treat women, and you accepting the situation is teaching them that it's okay for men to treat women this way.

Yes I would leave.

I actually did once leave a selfish manipulative self entitled man like your husband yourself and don't regret it for a minute. He didn't regret it or learn from it though, he just found another dogsbody woman quicksmart and married her so she couldn't leave as easily as I did.

myself - not yourself.

I really should preview.

oh dear!