Because i dont bloody well think i am!

[mosschops30]

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

[mosschops30]

I am in the chippy with ds1 just me and him.
Dd is out with friends
Dh at home being miserable on his own.

I have done all my ironing and left all his stuff. Will not be doing any if his washing either.
I'm drawing up a rota tomorrow

[BorisJohnsonsHair]

Not sure if anyone's mentioned this already, but this has nothing to do with the Xbox, but everything to do with your DH's lack of respect for you and what you have to do. Yes, he's entitled to some free time, as are you. But please don't blame a games console for his shitty behaviour; it's like people blaming Facebook when their husband has an affair. It's people's behaviour that's at fault; not the machines.

[JustFabulous]

mosschops - You are one of the long timers I remember and just lately I have been so surprised at how down you sound. This thread has been a real shock and eye opener.

[RandomMess]

Looking forward to seeing your rota

[mosschops30]

justfab your post has made me . I didn't realise it sounded that bad

[apostropheuse]

Mosschops,

My heart goes out to you. I told you my story earlier, so I won't bore you by repeating it now. Reading what you're saying is like reading about what was my life. He sounds so like my ex and you are so like I used to be. It makes me so sad to read of someone else being so lacking in self-esteem that they are accepting this bullshit.

However,I know, sadly, from experience that no matter what people tell you to do you will not stand up to him or be firm and determined until you can take no more. When I got to that stage I knew instantly that was it - he had finally killed my feelings for him and the marriage was dead. There was no going back. Even after I left him and he realised what he'd done and pleaded and cried for me to take him back I didn't - because inside I had gone kind of numb and this made me resolute.

I truly hope for that things do work out for you well for you and your children, whatever that may be. He may change his ways and buck his ideas up and become a man of the twenty-first century rather than a man from the 1950s. |One can never tell. However, please don't give him many more years in the vain hope that it will happen. Give him clear directions of what you want and expect, don't waver on that. Say it and mean it.

Sorry starting to ramble now.

Take care

[flyingspaghettimonster]

Mosschops - I feel so sad reading this thread. I have a friend who went through similar with her husband. To begin with things were fairly equal, but after the baby she started doing everything because she was not working. Then she gradually found herself in more and more of a servant position than a wife. He was studying long hours and so she would make excuses for him never being at any events, like Halloween, when families would normally all go out together in our neighbourhood. "Oh, he just wanted to play Warcraft, he had a long week, it's his only hobby, I'm glad because it keeps him home and not out drinking"... if she ever got an hour to go out without her daughter she would constantly worry about how long she had been gone as he was doing this immense avour by babysitting his own child.

It was deeply, deeply depressing and got worse and worse... she became vegetarian so would cook all his meals separate to her own because he could never eat the things she liked. I saw her in the grocery store at 9pm with her 4 year old because 'he fancied cheesy nachos and we didn't have the stuff in' - bear in mind he was at home, but she didn't leave her child there while running to the store. She even stopped sleeping in her own bed, because he would play the games in there until upto 4am, and she didn't want to bother him by asking him to move rooms, so she slept on the couch.

Finally he ended up cheating on her with someone he met on the game system. Probably because he had completely lost all respect for her and saw her as a doormat that was there just to cater to his needs.

It took that huge life event (finding the messages about the cheating) to fix her marriage. She was going to divorce him, but he managed to beg a reprieve. He now plays games far less, takes her out more, does his share of housework and childcare. She is back in university and well aware she could live without him now and he knows it too, so keeps toeing the line.

I truly, truly hope this isn't how your story ends, but all the things you have written here are the sorts of things she would say and I am worried for you. Plus the silent treatment is such a manipulative, controlling characteristic. He does it because he knows you will back down and make up. Probably from past experience.

Don't do it! Be persistently, annoyingly cheery, don't do any of his stuff, but don't fight about it. Make him have to start the discussion that is coming.

Get your life and your evenings back :-) Do it for your son, so he will respect you as an adult. So he will respect his future partner.
GOOD LUCK!!! We are all rooting for you. :)

[mosschops30]

I haven't got low self esteem, not at all. Yes i might have let Dh take the piss since I went back full time but he's really pissed on his chips this time

[DuelingFanjo]

you can turn this around and just because he's being a tosser over this latest stuff doesn't mean it's all going tits up. You sound strong and vocal and like you won't take bull-shit. perhaps e just needs reminding of the fact. Good luck and once again I say STOP doing his washing and ironing. :)

[mosschops30]

I have

[Peeenut]

Good luck Mosschops :)

When I went back to work there were many adjustments that needed to be made. My DH is a nice, normal, helpful person but still it was me who had to do all the pushing to new ways, pointing out what has to be done, laying down tools. What pissed me off, much more than the actual work, was that it was all down to me to think about the mundane. Really, I have to tell an adult that there are children to be fed??!! It's not a surprise, I find a number line easy to use for meal time planning ;)

I'm not into the whole chore rota and calculating free time because then, at the end of that long day, it'd still down to me to do the organising. Then you end up picking up those other jobs that aren't easily categorised, then they are not recognised. I've done the hoovering like you asked so I'm logging off with a virtual gold star because I must be fab. Fuck that, look and think. Oh the shopping was done online and delivered. It must have Ben the fairies who worked out what was to be eaten, what was

[JustFabulous]

I am sorry I made you . It was just a feeling I had that you were being worn down. Doesn't make it true.

[gettingeasier]

My xh used to behave badly and then turn it on to me when I would snap and the scenario you outlined in your OP would have made me snap 100%. Over a couple of days I would end up feeling awful and that I was a bad person and be grateful when I was forgiven

As someone said early in the thread its reading this stuff that makes me a happy single

Good luck sorting this out and dont back down

[Numberlock]

I have a question about finances OP.

You said that you do the shopping but he pays.

Also that you asked him if he fancied the curry night but then you said later, once he'd said he didnt want to go, that you couldn't afford to go. Is this cos he would only pay if he went to?

Just wondering if he has some financial control over you also.

[mosschops30]

number i earn a good wage, and i pay some towards the mortgage, council tax and tv licence. I pay for my own car, my credit cards etc.
Dh pays the rest of the bills, all kids activities (footy, rugby, beavers, school dinners, multisports and judo). He also pays for all food stuff including any meals out, takeaways etc.
I pay for all the childcare, which leaves me with enough, but i am careful with it and give myself a set amount each werk which i dont like to go over.
I could have had the curry, but it was unecessary expenditure and i would rather save the money i have left this month and pay a bit more off my cc

[fedupofnamechanging]

mosschops, maybe you would be better with a joint account for bills, into which you both pay an amount, proportionate to what you earn. Might leave you with a bit more cash.

I think you are doing the right thing in not doing your dh's washing etc. He is taking the piss, but it's not too late to reel him back in.

[mosschops30]

Well he got up with the dcs this morning, did their breakfast, bought croissants from the shop. I had a lie in until 9.30
He's now decorating their bedroom.

This is how the apology starts, without saying sorry.

His washing is still in the basket, I have done everyone elses

[Brycie]

Classic self-martying nonsense. Good luck mosschops.

[RandomMess]

Hmmmmmm don't get the joint finances thing at all, surely you should have equal spends each month regardless for who earns what or who pays what, can't believe he could have money sat in the bank whilst you're paying interest on credit cards...

[mosschops30]

random not sure where you get that very one sided argument from.
I have more money than Dh left over each month, I have 0% interest cards which are less than his because I am more sensible with my monthly wage

[mosschops30]

Omg I am so mad!
Asked him this morning if he still wanted to go to the theatre, he said he didn't know. Asked him again just now and he said 'no'!

And I thought 'you are a fucking cock'!

Am going to town with dd, we will have a nice meal I will drink lots of and I will pray comedian isn't too rude for her

[janek]

She's 16, she'll love it, bet she knows more than you! She will certainly think she does. Have a good time!

[Smeghead]

Why did you just think it? Try saying it outloud occasionally!

[fedupofnamechanging]

He is cutting his nose off to spite his face. Sod him, if he's going to behave like a brat. Don't let him change his mind at the last minute - your dd sounds like she deserves a reward, given that she is pulling her weight and her dad is being a right lazy arse and a total miserable git.

I can't stand it when people sulk - it is so manipulative.

[Numberlock]

Agreed Karma. Sulking is another bullying tactic and this has been going on since Thursday...