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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Because i dont bloody well think i am!

272 replies

mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 20:33

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

OP posts:
LeFreak · 04/10/2012 23:07

I'd go on strike.

Brycie · 04/10/2012 23:07

Squishy is so right, come to think of it. You should have opened the door, boggled, and turned on your heel, gone to a hotel.

EverybodysCryEyed · 04/10/2012 23:08

I don't think you were unreasonable to expect your ds to do it htere and then. I don't think you would normally expect him to tell you when he will do it. Your dh stepped in because he didn't want his own fun spoilt.

Trying to turn the tv of is also reasonable given your Dhs reaction. You would have been the bigger person to walk away at that stage and rip him a new one once ds in bed. However, in the heat of the moment I would have done exactly as you did!

The worst thing about your Dhs behaviour is that he didn't react because he thought you were being unfair on ds, here acted because he didn't want his game interrupted. If your ds had been playing on his own I doubt your dh would have said anything

BlueSkySinking · 04/10/2012 23:09

Start now. Write a list of all the jobs that need to be done each day. Sit down with everyone and ask everyone to choose which jobs they are going to do and on which days.

Basically you need to aim to have the same amount of down time as each other. He is relaxing too much and you are working too hard.

If he refuses to help, he can pay for a weekly cleaner.

sashh · 04/10/2012 23:13

If the only problem truly is the place being a mess and you being expected to do all the cleaning / cooking / ironing etc. then get a cleaner.

Take the controllers for the xbox to work with you, and only bring one home.

You need to talk to dh and make sure he knows it is about him undermining you not about a stupid game.

Brycie · 04/10/2012 23:14

Also I have stood in front of the television, who hasn't? Turned it off mid programme, etc and sometimes the shock is palpable and it's quite nerve-wracking because it's such a jolt for the ignoring people. BUT it's a quite normal, attention seeking tool and extremely useful.

In our house for lesser crimes the call goes out "you have five seconds to save your game/set tv to record then I want you in here" and I think it's totally, totally reasonable to do this with teenagers. You shoudl never ever have to do this with your husband, ever, he's not a child and shouldn't behave like one.

apostropheuse · 04/10/2012 23:15

It's not the individual things that he's doing that you need to look at. It's the culmination of things. It all adds up to him having no respect for you. He also sounds very stubborn; can't see that he's in the wrong.

My ex never ever apologised - he was never in the wrong in his eyes.
When I got angry he ignored me and then just wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days. He was even "off" with other people when he went in a huff with me. I was always the first to make up and had to work hard at that to get him to talk to me. No matter what he did I eventually believed that I must be the person in the wrong.

I don't want to share everything he did as this is a public forum and I don't want to be recognised; suffice to say most of the things he did MIGHT appear minor to someone if that was all he was doing.

I'm obviously not saying you should leave him - that's entirely your decision. Perhaps, though, he would consider relationship counselling.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 23:19

God yes Dh can ignore me for days and will never say sorry.
I end up making in roads and wondering if it was all my fault to begin with (like now)

OP posts:
justmyview · 04/10/2012 23:22

Get a cleaner if you can afford it

Look at a robot cleaner eg www.irobot.com/uk/roomba/ - expensive, but brilliant

Stop ironing

Buy more underwear so that other people run out of socks before you do

Don't fall into the trap of doing things because no one else has bothered. Leave it long enough, they'll do it eventually

Invite his friends over for dinner, so he won't want them to see the house in a mess

Don't think of it as him "helping" you - it's a joint responsibility

It's all easier said than done, I know that, hope these suggestions are some help

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 23:22

my advice is always the same. from tomorrow stop doing his washing and ironing. Tell him that is what you are going to do so that it doesn't come as a surprise and explain to him that you do not have time to do another grown person's washing. stick to it.

If he ends up with no clothes and clothes all over the floor, buy a washing basket and put everything in there, put the lid on the top and leave it.

depending on the age of your kids do the same for them. there is no reason why you should be doing his washing, no reason at all.

justmyview · 04/10/2012 23:24

I nearly agree with Duelling Fanjo except I don't think you should be picking up his washing from the floor. I'd say leave it on the floor.

DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 23:26

by the way - i did this with my husband. He still leaves all his washing until he has no clothes left, he still leaves everything on the floor (as do I sometimes so I can't complain) but I simply pick it up, put it in the basket and leave it. I feel better because I am not faffing about with his clothes and I don't have to separate his stuff from mine because our things go into different baskets and I just deal with mine and DS's (22 months) washing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/10/2012 23:31

Mosschops your expectations are so low. He doesn't beat you and rape you - great.

He is being completely unreasonable, your DS should have come to pick his jumper up immediately, and your DH should have backed you 100%.

Tell me you don't do his ironing...

Original poster
mosschops30 · 04/10/2012 23:40

I do his ironing Blush

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 04/10/2012 23:51

honestly, I know how hard it is to get the courage up to say 'I am not doing this anymore' but it's worth it. I actually used to iron all my DH's shirts but never do any of my own so I was always rushing to iron something quickly in the morning before work. What a fool!

I occasionally will iron him a shirt now, if he has had a hard week or something and I am doing something of my own but the days where I used to iron enough shirts for the week are over. I calmly told him that I wouldn't be doing it any more. he didn't object, how could he reasonably object when we both worked full time and he's an adult with hands and eyes.

Lora1982 · 04/10/2012 23:53

leave the game cases and hide the game disc.... selfish sods. teach them a lesson!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/10/2012 07:06

You do his ironing! But you work full time and study. Why on earth are you doing that for.

Yes he is being a disrespectful twat, but you are providing the landscape for him to do it in. Stop behaving like a skivvy, sit everyone down and tell them how things are going to be from now on.

Numberlock · 05/10/2012 09:22

moss

How are things this morning?

No doubt the things that have come out of this thread have given you a lot to think about.

In your position, I would now be thinking about the following:

  • the message this situation is sending to your daughter - is this how you would like her relationship/marriage to be in the future? Running around after the menfolk and getting zero respect in return?
  • the message the situation is sending to your son - that it's acceptable for the women to do all the work while he sits around playing games. Would you like him to treat future partners like this because it is the model he has grown up with?
  • Really, really think deeply about what you said here about the reasons why you are with him and why you think this is all that you deserve from him:

he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc

  • his belittling attitude towards your career

He even thinks my two days away were a 'jolly'

He's never respected my career

He managed to get a dig in about me going away for 2 days

  • what is the likelihood that he is going to change his behaviour or even consider that it is unacceptable, bearing in mind you have also said this about him:

Dh can ignore me for days and will never say sorry

Dh said i was 'psychotic'

The problem with dh is that he never ever apologises, even when hes in the wrong

He makes me question myself

I end up making in roads and wondering if it was all my fault to begin with

He does feel like he 'deserves' one day at the weekend just for him... Not sure where my few hours are though

he is getting worse at Xmas and birthdays, last Mother's Day he gave me money to get my own present

Like I said, a lot for you to think about here.

nokidshere · 05/10/2012 09:25

I ask once, then I say 5 seconds, then I turn the power off at the mains! works a treat!

EverybodysCryEyed · 05/10/2012 09:52

It sounds like he is used to you backing down. Please don't this time. You hae no need to doubt yourself.

Of he won't sit down and discuss this with you then you will have to play him at his own game

Dh and I got a cleaner to save our marriage! Honestly though, these kind of niggling resentments can eat away at your relationship. If we couldn't hae afforded the cleaner our next step was to have a very strict rota!

Newtothisstuff · 05/10/2012 09:54

I flick the switch on the fuse box for the sockets and deny all knowledge !!

EverybodysCryEyed · 05/10/2012 09:57

Is it not possible to pause a game? Luckily for me we haven't got to the computer game stage but I can't imagine having to wait until they've reached the end of a level or something

Brycie · 05/10/2012 10:47

Yell "can you pause the game for pizza" just to prove they can. Of course they can.

Brycie · 05/10/2012 10:47

Oh my son says playing online you can't, but who cares.

EverybodysCryEyed · 05/10/2012 11:33

If he was playing his dad I guess he wasn't online.

But your right, the day a game takes precedence over real life is the day the controllers get locked in your desk drawer at work