Because i dont bloody well think i am!

[mosschops30]

Was away for work sun- tues, dh looked after dcs but did nothing else, food on worktoos, no washing done etc.
So yesterday i tidy up as best i can (working full time) trying to catch up on washing.
Dh and ds1 on xbox as usal.
Same tonight, finished dinner, ds2 wants to go to bed and dh and ds1 sit down for an xbox game. So i am left with all the ckearing up, washing worktops, loading dishwasher etc.
Then i spyed ds1 jumper just thrown on kitchen floor and i asked him to come and pick it up, no repky so i said i woukd count to 3, then dh pipes up 'whoa hold on we're in the middle of a game.
At which point i really lost it, went into living room and attempted to turn tv off but dh blocked me (not pushing me just putting his arm up). Ds1 is laughing through all this which i think is pretty disgusting.
I told dh he should not be encouraging this behaviour of throwing your stuff on the floor and then laughing at your own mother.
Dh said i was 'psychotic' and 'totally out of order' and took ds1 up to our room where they have been since.

So am i out of order? I am friggin livid!

check into a hotel nearby for a couple of nights, with instructions that unless the house is SPOTLESS when you get back, you are selling the computer and all the games. In fact no, give them to charity.

i love him, he doesnt beat me, fuck other women, force me into sex etc.

Seriously?!

You need to raise your expectations. A man who doesnt beat you, rape you or cheat on you is not necessarily a good husband.

Wow.......

Dd (16) is good, her daily jobs are to empty dishwasher, feed dog, keep room tidy, give me a massage
she has a part time job and works saturday and sunday. She also does occasional babysitting for free for us.
Ds1 (7) gets himself dressed and makes his own breakfast, thats about as far as it goes

Dd is being "good", DS1 plays on xbox with his dad, while the women do the wifework.

So he's got his daughter trained up like his wife while the males of the house do fuck all. Nice.

Yes i agree the behaviour is pretty shitty but generally i feel we have a good marriage.
He nearly always puts the boys to bed, does bathtime, does some of the extra curricular stuff, picks dcs up from childcare if he is home before me.
He is extremely lazy when it comes to house stuff which really annoys me, all jobs are half finished.

If anyone came in my house tonight i would be mortified, it hasnt been hoovered for a week, there is a pile of ironing on the table, it smells because he didnt empty the bins, the kitchen floor is covered in crumbs and dog hair. Its disgusting!

No one sits down here till it's all done - Df mucks in as much as me when he getsIn ( after a cup of tea and play with ds 20mths ) - makes everyone more efficient as we all want to finish. If you finish what you are doing and something else is left then you carry on - we find it works well. So if dh comes in you all cook and tidy up and no Xbox till all jobs are done imo

And you are still with him why?

Is your self esteem that low?

Ps Yanbu and I would be having a stern word with dh - apology most definitely required from your dh!

I think you need to sit down with your dh and explain that a a couple you decided that you should work full time and do your masters and as part of that he needs to step up to the plate.

The thing that would worry me about the argument is that our 7yo may have felt very conflicted and a little scared. If he is sensitive, seeing his parents talking to each other like that can be bewildering at least. You have apologised for shouting but I think it's important that he sees his dad apologise for shouti g at you and calling you names.

It sounds like your family dynamic has changed but your dh hasn't quite realise that he needs to take on a bit more. At the moment it sounds like your dd does more than him!

Good luck with the exams and papers!

This is the son who threw his jumper on the floor and refused to come and pick it up. I'd be expecting an apology from him too and explaining that he will soon have a list of daily jobs to do and an Xbox ban tomorrow night.

Nip this in the bud sharpish - do the rota, stand your ground and tell them that this is a family and you all have to do your bit. No one should be able to live like a single person in a hotel having everything done for them. It's ridiculous. Put it like that to them and keep at it til it becomes a new habit.

But he's 7 and just got caught in the middle of warfare.

I remember being the same age and the cause of a massive fight between my mum and her sister. It was horrible.

Agree though that he needs to understand that He needs to be responsible for his belongings. Perhaps that could also come from dad to reinforce the fact that mum and dad are a team.

Have just spoken to dh.
He said he could not support me because my behaviour and shouting was out of order. Apparently if you ask a child to pick up a jumper in the middle of an xbox game then you shoud expect to allow said child to finish game, then pick up jumper. However like i said to dh, having employed this tactic many times before, it diesnt get done and i end up doing it. Dh said its just a jumper but doesnt get that it was the straw that broke the camels back, when i came home it was the bins, toys left out this morning, beds to make, washing to bring in, dcs to collect and take out!
He managed to get a dig in about me going away for 2 days.

I left the room saying that i need more help, we need a rota and that i cannot continue to do it all as i am not paid help

I'm sorry he's still being an arse

I've always been told that parenting 101 is never contradict the other parent and if you disagree discuss it afterwards when little ears are not around

Hope he sees the error in his ways. Maybe you should consider a general strike and spend your time in the library.

He's told you quite clearly (again) then, hasn't he. No respect for you as a woman or mother or for your career.

Really bad, really, really, really, really bad. I would be tempted to move out or change the locks, I would be that mad.

This sounds like time for a "if it's on the floor it goes in the bin" threat.

A strike, hiding the x box controllers, move out to a hotel for a week, whatever. He canNOT call you psychotic for getting cross about a jumper.

I truly hate to say this, but this behaviour is likely to continue and you will keep making excuses for him, focussing on the few positives and ignoring the negatives. You are kidding nobody, least of all yourself.

You sound so like I was. I said all of those things to other people, but deep down I knew I was making excuses. I was afraid to be alone, to be a single parent, so I accepted things.

I stuck it out for about seventeen years or so - then he did one final (not major if taken on its own) thing and I couldn't take it any more and the marriage was dead from that point. I left him a few months later.

Please expect more for yourself.

schmaltz I'm sorry your marriage broke down, but god they sound very similar!

He makes me question myself now though, should I expect my child to jump up and do as I ask immediately? Should I have shouted? Should I have attempted to turn the tv off?

Tbh you should have expected the jumper would not be on tbe floor in the first place. It doesn't sound like your husband or son have much respect for the house.

apos I would feel ridiculous telling people I ended my marriage because he wouldn't share the housework or empty full bins!
AIBU here? Maybe I am, but I don't think I expect too little, do you really?

There are lots of little niggly things but I don't think they're major. He's never respected my career, he is getting worse at Xmas and birthdays, last Mother's Day he gave me money to get my own present.

I think you should have laid down the law earlier - when you got home from your time away (and for however many years you've been together!) - so that you didn't get to the point where you were arguably being a bit unreasonable.