To want a baby so much to think I'd rather TTC now than waiting for the 'perfect' timing?

[Ellie7]

Hi all,

I'm new here and I come to you with a bit of a dilemma. Bit long - sorry.

Here's the background: I'm in my mid 20s, DP is 30. We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him. It is small but not tiny (one bedroom, good sized living room/kitchen and potential to create another bedroom in the loft when we have the funds.) The area is full of mums with buggies - it is very child friendly. Both DP and I work full time. He's got a decent income, mine is average or slightly less. Financially we're ok - but really not rolling in it.

I've always known that being a mother eventually will be the most important job of my life. I did well academically and my job is stable, but would give it all up in a blink to have children. Though I've always known that, I've pushed the thought of children away - waiting for a better time e.g. when I'd met the right person (I now have) when I was living somewhere permanent, not renting (I now am) when I had a job I could go back to after maternity leave etc (possible.) If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be totally over the moon. However, it still doesn't feel like the 'perfect' time.

We only have one bedroom - how long can you go with a baby sleeping in your bedroom? Max 2 years?
We aren't married - wouldn't bother either of us, but might bother DP's family. Is it hard fielding the 'that was clearly a mistake baby' vibe that people on his side would feel?
Financially - what are your thoughts on a minimum collective income suitable for bringing up a child? I think we'd manage, but like I said - we aren't in a place where money is no object. I couldn't ask my family for financial support. His could help a little bit.

I've not spoken with DP about this in any depth. He knows how much I love children and that being a mother is my priority as opposed to career ambition. We're solid - baby free, I imagine we'll get married sometime in the next 4 years. However, he's anxious about turning 30 and is acclimatising to the fact that he now pays a mortgage etc. I know for a fact that sitting down and having a 'shall we have a baby?' talk is impossible right now, but also know that if I was pregnant, he'd be very excited. He's very responsible, likes to 'do the right thing' and would opt to wait for 'the perfect time' - I know that....But I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like I am living for the future, when I have a child. I don't mean this in a cutesy way, like a kid with a doll. I mean that I can't shut out my maternal instinct, to the point that I am unhappy in my job. I adore DP, I love our little flat, but I know that being a mum will be everything to me. I think about having a child everyday - watching their development, nurturing a little life, managing the logistics of it all (yes I'm that tragic!)

So is there really a 'perfect' time? Should I keep pushing it all to one side? Would it be totally unfair on DP and despicable behaviour to stop taking the pill? Any opinions really welcomed Thanks!

curtsey - not "ever again" - just about 10 years

I think Hollywood has us believe that there should always be a Big Talk when it comes to things like proposals and the baby question. It kind of has you doubting yourself about your approach even when your natural instinct is to just bumble about and chat! A lot of the time, conversations about this kind of stuff do just happen as idle comment. Nothing to worry about :)

I got drunk on white wine on a romantic night in and brought the subject up so that I could blame the demon drink if I came across too over enthusiastic. I brought it up in terms of my pill not agreeing with me and what we should do.He suggested to come off it! A had justmoved house so initially we were more careful in the week that was the most fertile one (not reliable in the slightest) but then that week fell on the same week we were going to Italy on holiday. Much wine was consumed I see a theme, contraception was abandoned and 9 months later DS came along!

Ephiny - you mention there's something about the thread that seems a bit "off" to you ? Are you thinking journo by any chance ? It hadn't crossed my mind before you said honestly

Sorry OP but we're a suspicious lot with newbies

< wonders whether this post will be deleted as breaks talk guidelines ? >

I wouldn't call it trolling anyway, so it can't be troll hunting hey ?

Just a bit of opportunism and casting for opinions ...

... whether that's for personal or more general reasons it's really no skin off my nose ! ... though I guess I'm slightly curious to know ....

You just seem so rational and considered OP, that's the only problem

Sorry - I don't really understand why anyone is suspicious or what I could gain from not being genuine.

I'm trying to be rational, but if I came on here screaming 'waaa I want a baby help me ladies!' then that might not go down so well, right?

Really don't get what there is to be suspicious about but would be sad if MN turns out to be a bit of a clique - I really like what I've seen so far and have found it useful to hear what everyone says. Bit confused now

I'm also well aware of what harsh critics some women are of other women, and don't want to come across as some little girl who is desperate to play dolly but doesn't realise what having a child really entails - as some people have hinted at. So sorry if I sound overly rational but I just want advice and to be taken seriously, basically.

Ephiny, what you're saying is actually quite hurtful. Sorry if you don't like my wording, I'm just a normal person looking for advice. Nice of you to describe my life as bad chick lit.

OP, I found it easy, wandered up to DH and said I thought we were as ready aswe would ever be to have a child. He agreed and now DS is napping on me. Its nothing like working with children though, the hard parts are when you would chop your own leg off it would make them feel better. Or sitting up all night when you feel rough.

And before you get any more dependant on him, sort out legalities ffs! Either get married or spend 100s of pounds on a solicitor. Children may be the bigger commitment, but marriage offers more protection. Both from relationship breakdown and if one of you dies.

Also, not in any clique, just frustrated by women who don't protect their own interests.

Well look, if you are just a very confident, articulate, and rational first poster then I genuinely hope you won't be put off or too offended that you could be mistaken for a journo , and apologies for any suspicion on my part it was ephiny who led me astray everyone

Welcome to Mumsnet ! Hope it's the start of a long and happy journey for you as it has been for me

Thanks Juggling

Actually posting on here, I've felt anything but articulate, confident and rational! I feel like I must sound like a whiney kid with no idea of the real world compared to those of you who have obviously gone through more and are giving advice.

Anyway, thanks. Really liking some of the other threads I've read so far - really useful.

If you have been together 3 years, moved in/talked about marriage its shouldn't be a surprise for your DP that you want to broach a subject like this. Just be upfront with each other, then you know where you stand.

They aren't 'big' conversations, just something you naturally talk about with your DP.

DH and I just decided to start ttc straight after our wedding (we'd been together 3 years by then). I think I just went with the ever blunt 'I'm broody' route. Prior to that we'd established that I'd like 2/3 and DH would like 2. Now I've got 2 toddlers (sahm) I agree with him!

OP I was v broody in my late 20s, the way I broached it with my husband (then DP) was to say "I really want us to have a baby, can we?" and from there we made the decision that we would ttc in the next year or so. I was able to say it so bluntly because I knew we'd be on the same page & were in it for the long haul. I knew he loved me & wouldn't be freaked out or anything.

I'm not sure the reality of motherhood can live up to what you are building it up to be? It took me 2 years to get pregnant & during that time I built up a kind of perfect, idealised picture in my head of how being a mum would be. It was a HUGE pressure and needless to say when my son arrived the reality was nothing like I imagined. I had a horrendous, traumatic labour and birth and was v ill with a postnatal infection, for which I had to have heavy duty antibiotics meaning I couldn't breastfeed. My son was not a gently cooing baby but a colicky, refluxy screamer who would only sleep on DH or my chest for the first month (seriously, we had to do shifts through the night).

We're nearly 4 months in and things are a lot better, I love my son more than anything BUT I can't honestly say I enjoyed the first few weeks. I do have pnd which I think is partially due to putting such pressure on myself for everything to be perfect, to match up to my dream of motherhood.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a mum or planning for the future. Definitely discuss things with your partner. But honestly, having a baby will massively change your life in ways you can't imagine. Make the most of your time together as a couple, travel, go out, pursue hobbies etc

I don't know about motherhood defining a person, you'll still be 'you', in the same life, but with a child. A mum is part of who I am, but its not all I am, does that make sense?

Sorry for the essay!

I totally don't mean to sound patronising, really hope I don't. E

Thanks kit and emblosion for sharing your experiences. It really helps put things in perspective.

I've resolved to be more straight forwards with DP about how I'm feeling, rather than leaving it at the fact that he knows how much I'd like a baby/marriage sooner rather than later. I'm not scared of his reaction, I just know that there's not much we can do before we do lots of organising - the house, the financial situation about my name on the mortgage now that I have an income etc. Part of me always thought that it should all just fall into place - get stuff sorted and then go ahead in a rational way, or the flipside - an accident (speaking hypothetically, not due to any underhand skipping of pills here) and then working the rest out. It is nice to hear that many people have found a half way point. I.e. 'we aren't there yet, but let's talk about working towards it' type thing. I'll try to talk timescales rather than working on the basis that we both know we're heading that way. We all have to start somewhere, eh.

I woke up, rolled over and said to DP 'I want a babyyyyy' he was enthusiastic, being older I think he was waiting for me to approach him.

I'm now 7 months pg with first ds :)

As you have got years ahead of you, you have time to plan and make things as easy as possible.

Lack of money and space can cause stress. Minimum collective income depends a lot on the area you live in and what your outgoings are. If in doubt, write it down on paper and add it all up. Look at the different stages - maternity leave, part-time working and childcare, school age. How could you make that leap to a bigger place when you need it.

I'd agree there is not really a right time to have dc. But having some basics in place can make it a whole lot happier.

I keep coming back to this thread in my head. On several things I totally 'get' you,OP, despite my last post. I did, still do, think that beinga mum is the most important job I'll ever do. And I wanted to do it earlier rather than later -I was a mum at 29. And I'm glad - I was perimenopausal at 35 and through it by 40.

But I just don't think I've met any (but one) person just so keen to have everything so perfect. seems weird. Life just iisnt perfect, especially with children.

I do wonder if you can't becom a mum for some reason you don't already know, or a child is born sick, or dies ( and you weren't on MN this summer when a mnetter who is also a dear friend lost her 9 year old) - what then? If your career gives you so little satisfaction (though if you're mid 20s then if you are well educated you can't have been doing it long) then why aren't you trying to change it? It would be what others would do! I know you're not others. But I certainly thought these things through before we ttc.

I'm now a 40+ mum to kids of 12, 10 and 8. And you know what? It's waaaaay more fun than the idolised baby stage. I love it. But I also love the day off every week I get with my dh (he works some nights to allow it), I love the days I work teaching deprived young mums. I love my child free time as well as my child time.

Not sure what I'm saying maybe. Don't make being a mum the be-all-and-end-all of your life. You might get your wish!

Hi OP, I think you've had plenty of good advice. I just thought I'd share out experience with you too.

I am very rather traditional in how I approach things. DH and I didn't even sleep together let alone live together before marriage. What I'd say about that is it should be you and your DP's choice of how you get married. It's perfectly normal to live together and have a baby before getting married (if you get married at all!). That's just the way DH and I decided was right for us.

Anyway, we got married 4 years ago. I was broody early on but we were in my small 2 bed flat and agreed it would be much easier to wait until we moved to a house in both our names. I used to ask all the time! Just flippantly Shall we have a baby?! He kept saying 'When we move/when we earn more...' in retrospect I don't think he was confident he'd be a good dad. It changed when my sister had a baby. The baby (well now a lively 3 year old!) adores DH! So one day I said We should just have a baby and he said ok! However, we did not anticipate the fertility problems we had! it took us 2 years 8 months to conceive in the end (I'm 10 weeks pregnant now). I'm glad we didn't wait too much longer to TTC given how long it took but it was a decision we made together when we were both ready. TTC has been a hell of a journey for us and I'm glad we were both fully committed to the process before we went into it!

So my advice would be to talk to him and say essentially you would like a family at some point soon and ask how he feels about it, what are his views on marriages first/babies first? You're still young and there's plenty of time for you to plan things out but yes, makes sure you're in comfortable position financially and also that you're both on the mortgage! Be prepared that it might not be instant! And that if that's the case you will need to be in it together. But most importantly, make the decision with him :)

There's no perfect time, but start the conversation.

I'm much the same as you. I've been broody since age 11 (!) and once DH and I were married and living in the same place, I was keen to start a family with him. We live in a (v expensive) one-bed flat in central London. I'm pregnant and our plan is to live here and save as much as possible to move out a bit and buy a bigger house.

In London I know plenty of people who have children in one-beds - even older children. It depends on how organised you can be!

Our situation is different in that we are both early 30s, and I felt we couldn't afford to wait very long. Thankfully DH is from a large and very loving family and is quite keen to have children. Nevertheless, we still had to talk about it for awhile, and I waited until DH was totally ready. Luckily it didn't take us very long to get pregnant. You have more time than I felt I did, but still - start the process.

You are in a better position than we are since you both have jobs (I'm a student). Still, listen to your heart and start the conversation. It can't hurt.

If you are unmarried and the flat is in his name you have no housing rights whatsoever. At a moment's notice your DP could turf out you and your baby, ending up in a hostel/B&B/or up a tower block.

Dont do it until YOU (singular, not as a couple) can afford to pay for your own accommodation and childcare out of your salary. It is all very well planning to be a SAHM but if you break up you and your baby will be in dire straights.

Hi Ellie I'm a SAHM to a 14 month old. I know exactly how you feel, I had the 'baby hunger' for years, from about 6 months after DH and I met, I was getting so jealous when I saw women with bumps or babies, thinking constantly about practical stuff like money and less practical stuff like what colour baby's bedroom should be! We lived together for year before buying a place together and getting engaged (at the same time ) and in that year I broached the marriage baby thing a few times as we initially weren't on the same page, he was scared of the responsibility. I think I just went the blunt route, after what felt like everyone we knew was getting engaged - one evening after a few glasses of wine saying look, I love you, love living with you, but I need to know that we both want the same things. And I did put a timescale on it, not as an ultimatum but by saying I want to start trying for a baby within whatever time, I think it was 3 years. Then we got married, then a few months after that I brought it up again and we agreed to start trying.

I think you need to talk to your DP and put a timescale out there, explain how much you want kids with him and you need to know when that will be a realistic aim. Also I think it is very important to be on a legally equal footing when you do that, married if poss and def joint owners of your home. Do your maths about how much nursery / childminder / whatever would cost if you want to be a SAHM. I've given up a fairly substantial salary but we can get by and being with my DD is worth more to me than that. I think having only one bedroom is fine to start with, you can always move/ improve after a LO arrives.

How about "DP, I've been thinking that now I'm a bit more sorted with work it would make sense for us to do some thinking and some planning. I'm in a position to contribute to the mortgage capital repayments, but as it stands, I don't have any rights. Another thing is that I want to have children, if we're going to try to do that, it would make sense for us to talk about what we need to have in place before and what we want to have already done"?

I liked the olympics idea but I think it would sound false coming from me. I would say that if you're going to get married, then do that before babies. You probably have more time and money to plan a wedding now than you will later.

from what ive read im sure you will make a great mother soon

and as for not being prepared.... i was a nanny for 10 years and had done it all with looking after other peoples babies / children, and even I had no clue about what being a Mummy entails..... now i know .... its great, but you wont realise how good / hard / tiring / stressful until you do it..... but then people have managed for the whole of time...

Have a chat with your OH (I do NOT believe you need to be married, we are not married, we chose not to be married, and no one seems to bat an eye lid... and everyone knows we planned out baby; but we did have our wills sorted before baby arrived..... and we now have a joint house / mortgage) enjoy your time being free, then good luck trying to start your family

I felt like you felt / was where you were (except a larger property) about 3 years ago.... we planned it, and now i have a 12 month old. Your time will come too xxx

Why don't you propose to him?