To want a baby so much to think I'd rather TTC now than waiting for the 'perfect' timing?

[Ellie7]

Hi all,

I'm new here and I come to you with a bit of a dilemma. Bit long - sorry.

Here's the background: I'm in my mid 20s, DP is 30. We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him. It is small but not tiny (one bedroom, good sized living room/kitchen and potential to create another bedroom in the loft when we have the funds.) The area is full of mums with buggies - it is very child friendly. Both DP and I work full time. He's got a decent income, mine is average or slightly less. Financially we're ok - but really not rolling in it.

I've always known that being a mother eventually will be the most important job of my life. I did well academically and my job is stable, but would give it all up in a blink to have children. Though I've always known that, I've pushed the thought of children away - waiting for a better time e.g. when I'd met the right person (I now have) when I was living somewhere permanent, not renting (I now am) when I had a job I could go back to after maternity leave etc (possible.) If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be totally over the moon. However, it still doesn't feel like the 'perfect' time.

We only have one bedroom - how long can you go with a baby sleeping in your bedroom? Max 2 years?
We aren't married - wouldn't bother either of us, but might bother DP's family. Is it hard fielding the 'that was clearly a mistake baby' vibe that people on his side would feel?
Financially - what are your thoughts on a minimum collective income suitable for bringing up a child? I think we'd manage, but like I said - we aren't in a place where money is no object. I couldn't ask my family for financial support. His could help a little bit.

I've not spoken with DP about this in any depth. He knows how much I love children and that being a mother is my priority as opposed to career ambition. We're solid - baby free, I imagine we'll get married sometime in the next 4 years. However, he's anxious about turning 30 and is acclimatising to the fact that he now pays a mortgage etc. I know for a fact that sitting down and having a 'shall we have a baby?' talk is impossible right now, but also know that if I was pregnant, he'd be very excited. He's very responsible, likes to 'do the right thing' and would opt to wait for 'the perfect time' - I know that....But I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like I am living for the future, when I have a child. I don't mean this in a cutesy way, like a kid with a doll. I mean that I can't shut out my maternal instinct, to the point that I am unhappy in my job. I adore DP, I love our little flat, but I know that being a mum will be everything to me. I think about having a child everyday - watching their development, nurturing a little life, managing the logistics of it all (yes I'm that tragic!)

So is there really a 'perfect' time? Should I keep pushing it all to one side? Would it be totally unfair on DP and despicable behaviour to stop taking the pill? Any opinions really welcomed Thanks!

I know you've already decided not to do this but I will add my tuppence worth about stopping the pill without telling your DP.

My colleague's wife did this to him. Just after they'd had a big baby discussion (in which he said he wanted to wait another 2-3 years). He didn't talk to her for the first 3 months of the pregnancy, he was that pissed off. He didn't tell us at work that she was pregnant until the birth! That is how much he did not want the baby then.

Now he loves the baby but the marriage is not the same. He doesn't trust her anymore.

Hope things work out for you. You're still young and although I totally understand the desire for a baby, I agree with PP that you need to be in the best position possible (as much as you can control these things), both as a family but also as a mother.

Thanks everyone. You've kicked some sense into me.

Sometimes I'm just taken over by it all - hence the post. I guess I wanted to hear the whole 'just go for it' argument, and I will continue to feel like that on some days, but thanks for bringing me back to reality.

I might try the 'I'm so broody!' thing and take it from there, getting into the finances issue as we start to talk properly.

To someone's earlier question - we don't have any friends with young kids in this country (some abroad.) Everyone seems so career focussed, and the fact that I don't place it as a priorty over motherhood is also something that stresses me out. I feel like I should be happy to put it off for my career. But that's just not me.

DP is great around kids though and makes random baby references at times, which kind of make me go

Being a mother is the best thing I've ever done but the time that they are small is so short and I would strongly advise to ensure your own security financially before bring a baby in the equation. There is never a right time and you and your dp are just starting out. Give it time.

I also think you have a very idealistic view of parenthood.

Yes your area may be very child friendly but until you have kids you don't actually know. Those parents may feel differently and feel.

Don't have kids because other people seems happy with them. Its not easy or (imo) always fun and enjoyable. Yes in the long run my kids are worth it, but that doesn't mean its fun 100% of the time.

I agree that 'fertility waits for no-one' & that you need to talk about it with him. I was pregnant with our first at 24 and I am extremely glad about that now as I was totally ready and always knew that being a mother was my priority. We did then have a long gap before the others though, as we needed time to establish ourselves financially, build an extension etc. There were some extremely stressful times & I can see that there is a benefit for people who do things in the 'right order'.

However, I am still so grateful that I was able to have my DS young, and now in my early thirties, my DH & I are nearly finished with the pregnancy years (we have 2 DC's with 2 more on the way!). Despite the stress & hard work, I wouldn't have it any other way. A lot of my friends are only getting started when it comes to babies and I wouldn't like to be in that position because I always wanted more than one (although starting later obviously works well for lots of people so I am not criticising that at all, it just isn't what I wanted). Unfortunately I've also seen friends who have been struggling to conceive for several years now & I know it really isn't something you can take for granted.

OP, when I read your post, what you'd written reminded me of the way I felt before I was pregnant with DS. We rented a one bedroom flat when he was born though, I was still a student and my DH wasn't yet qualified - so you are definitely more 'sorted' that we actually were!

Good luck with talking to your DP - maybe you could stress to him that, even when you do TTC, it is unlikely to happen instantly... I know quite a few men who have been convinced that it works that way & haven't seemed to consider that it's not always the case.

Just read your other posts (slow typer)

You really should see about getting your name on the deeds if you're paying towards the mortgage!

I saw a lawyer once (about a different matter). And she said if you split the bills, never split where one pays mortgage (and has name on deeds) and one pays everything else (and isn't on deeds). Cos the one paying everything else gets shafted.

Buying a property is an investment. The mortgage repayments cover interest and capital. So (in theory) when you sell you get the capital back. Buying nappies, food, clothes etc. is not an investment!!!

Just read the responses to the pill thing.

It was probably stupid to even mention that - of course I'd never actually do it - just some days I can't fight a feeling of how hopeless it is to know what your calling in life is and not be able to act on it.

I don't see motherhood in a chick-flick kind of way. I'm aware of the shit, vomit, tedious appointments, hair-pulling, sleep deprived tides that go with it, and have worked with young children prior to this job, too. It's also not new that finances and security are vital.

I suppose I'm trying to describe how I feel. Trying to find a way to negotiate pure emotion with the day to day reality of doing what's necessary and right without having to plan to the nth degree. Hence the idea of waiting for the 'perfect' time being so soul destroying.

Thank you for your kind words Digestives and everyone else.

Bar the finances part, there's clearly no right answer.
I will bring that side of things up with DP in a more 'official' way considering my change of circumstances.

I'd still love to hear some more stories from you lovely people about how you first brought up the babies conundrum, if you did

You're not waiting for the perfect time as there is no perfect time. But it makes total sense (and is responsible) to wait for you to be in a better position, be that space-wise, money-wise, security in relationship-wise.

You're young (sorry but you are) and even by waiting one or two years you'll be in a better position.

Most importantly, you need to talk to your DP and find out where he stands on all of this.

But having a baby will be even MORE doing what is necessary and right- it's not a universal panacea. And the reason so many 'modern women' put emphasis on an independent career is because they know what can happen if you are totally reliant on a man.
You need to start TALKING- about your relationship, about your finances, would he expect you to go back to work, would he undergo fertility treatment, how does he feel about supporting you, will he want to take paternity leave? How many children does he see himself having?
If he's the right man (as opposed to just being at the 'right time' for you..) then discussing this will only make you closer.

My DP was worried and wondered how we'd manage. I got made redundant and that meant we could afford to put a deposit down on somewhere bigger. It just seemed the right time I suppose, I was 31 when I had my first and we had been together for nine years at that point and living together for about three or four. I wasn't ready until I was about 28 I think. Took a bit longer to get DP on board

We've talked, just not as something 'sit down' or with a clear purpose of getting things straight.

He wants two kids. He'd like me to go back to work, and I wouldn't want to depend on him either. My employer would be in a position to hold my job and that wouldn't be an issue. He's the right man - it is the timing thing that is the issue, as opposed to the other way around, though I agree that discussion would be positive for our relationship.

What I'm struggling with is how to canvass this - not whether we are strong enough as a unit. I don't want to play the cliche of 'honeyyyy I want a babyyyy/marriage etc' but essentially the things I would like to talk about could come off like that if not worded properly. Any ideas?

Thanks everyone so far - I can't keep up with all the replies!

I would get on the mortgage first - now you are earning in a permanent job why not suggest getting on the mortgage officially and using your extra contribution towards a further advance so you can do the loft conversion (so that you can have a baby)!! If he doesn't agree to it then you have your answer really.

I was always broody too and couldn't seem to focus on anything properly as I was desperate for kids. I did get pregnant sooner than expected (we weren't especially careful as we both felt the same). However, I do think now that I was a bit silly to be so desperate when I could have planned it better if I had been more prepared.

YANBU to want a baby and you're right, I think if you wait for the perfect time you could be waiting too long.

On the other hand, your DP really needs to be on board with this too, you've ONLY just started living with each other, I think you need at least a year with just the two of you to discover if you can really put up with each other!

I think that although you shouldn't wait for perfection you could get yourself in a stronger position. It's nothing to do with finances really, more getting your house in order.

You also need to consider how you would manage if your dc had additional needs. You might not be able to go to work. What support network do you have etc?

Sorry OP but the fact you keep looking for help on how to broach the subject is worrying. If he is the perfect man how come you can't just be open and discuss it over dinner? Believe me it gets a lot harder to have serious conversations once the DC comes along!

Agree with a PP who said what if you can't concieve or you don't find motherhood the joy you think you will find it? You are putting a lot of emphasis on something which is not guaranteed - plenty of friends have gone through heartbreak TTC and it can split couples up.

Sorry but having been around children is really not the same as having your own which you can never get time off from. My DH responded to parenthood very differently to how I expected/how we planned. I did not get out of an evening on my own for 16 months and we have had 2 date nights in 18 months! My DH would just not trust leaving DD with anyone. I always thought I would want to be a SAHM but discovered after such an intense first year it would be beneficial for all of us for me to work part time.

in line with another commenter- borrow babies. See if you can have one for a weekend, or at least overnight.

I also seccond (third?) the idea of converting your loft- save half or more of your sallary with the idea of converting it, to give you some idea of the life of penury that you'll face and also to give you the space you'll need for all the baby crap or the start of a deposit for a place that is already big enough

You don't say how long you've been together nor what he thinks about having children (I had that sort of conversation early on with dating my DH- and several exes) except for a brief "he'd be happy if we had an accident", nor do you say how long he's had the flat for (was it his home when you moved in or did you move in together?) BTW- it took me about 4 or 6 mortage payments for me to get used to the new budget, but he might adjust to change better or worse than you.

Luckily we have many lovely family members and friends around us. Though I couldn't ask my family for financial support, I could count on them when it comes to occasional childcare, advice etc. It wouldn't be ideal for me not to work, but could be manageable. Your point is a valid one, and a consideration, but I don't believe that every planned pregnancy could have possibly only have gone ahead if the couple were certain that they could stretch to the tragic/worst case. Right? Maybe I am wrong, but that's why I am struggling with the idea of perfect timing. I know it would be stupid to act on my impulse and try to have a child from today, as much as I wish I could, but if I wait until I could confidently afford never to work again (which might not ever be an option) then I could be too old to provide support in other ways/have a higher risk of a child having additional needs/not be able to conceive. Ah! There's no right answer

Try and wait a year or two if you can ? - to help with feeling more settled and so as not to rush DP too much ? But start talking about it !

Partner/ home/ careers all sound good to go for me !

Good luck !

With my DC's it was getting them out of sharing our bed, never mind our room, that was the challenge OK till about age 4 ?! Joking slightly

However we moved to somewhere a bit bigger when DD was around 1 - the walking and exploring stage

and don't just borrow babies. BOrrow 9 year olds and ten year olds. mum mum can you download cars two for me? can I get my nails done, not by yoooooo, doh, professionally, i don't want to eat this have we anything decent to eat, urgh, i hate peas, I hate broccoli, I hate fish, any crisps? any icecream? when can i have a play date!? can we go out (eldest) no let's stay in! it's my turn, no it's my turn, i hate you , i hate you more! this water tastes funny, i've spilled it on your lap top, mum he's playing with your phone! no i'm not. there's no loo roll, wipe my bum!? can i bake a cake? i will tidy up this time, i swear, god you're so mean, can i have five euro? no! can i have ten euro. can i have new high tops? can i have my ears pierced!? again?

[head in haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaands]

I wish we could borrow babies! But none of our friends in this country have any yet - hence the career focus theme emerging! I like the idea though and will make it happen when visiting or being visited by friends that are abroad.

We've been together for 3 years and moved into the house at the same time - it was always the plan that we'd move in together once he bought the house he'd been planning/saving to buy for a while. I realise i am now going to be flamed for bringing all this up having 'only' been together for three years.

I'm worried about how to bring it up because it is something i take seriously, and would like to get it right, and not because I am worried about the strength of our relationship or his sense of commitment. I'm asking opinions on that because I'd like to hear them - there must be as many different stories as there are women on here - and I want to go into this as informed as possible. You wouldn't sit an exam without revising for it, even if you were confident of your subject. That's all.

If it was me (and I did do this) I'd spell out some timeframes that you are happy with. You say you see you getting married in the next 4 years or so, does he feel the same?

As you are 'mid-20s' - I'd go for 30 as an official deadline (with an unofficial one you can decide) - say you've been thinking about what you want from life and you'd like to be a mother by the time your 30, or at least pregnant, and you'd like to be married first, does he think he'd like to be married before having DCs? When does he see himself getting married? "some point" might be his vage thinking, but by putting a clearly defined date on it, you will start the 'working forward to now' in his mind.

If you can add value by going into the loft, I'd start saving every penny now - for at least a year, could you save enough to do the work then? At which point i'd want to go on the deeds. If you have the second bedroom before getting pregnant it wll be a lot easier than trying to do work with a small child at home. It will give you more options.

Also, if you want DCs soon, then you might have to make other sacrifices, like, when you see yourself gettnig married, do you want a big day or would you be happy with a small registery office and under 20 guests do?

Ok, no nine or ten year olds to borrow yet.....

Good points LizLemon - OP you might want to think about enjoying a couple/few more child-free years with your DP in your twenties. Travel ? Nights out ? Seeing friends ? All these are more difficult to do once your baby comes along !
Though you may make a whole new group of friends too, and new experiences to look forward to. But it's a whole other life !

Oh, as for how to start the conversation, you could take him out for dinner and say "we've been talking at work about the Olympics, and what we'd like to achieve by the Rio Olympics, X was saying they want to have got their MBA. Y was saying they'd like to have saved up and done a kitchen extension. And I was thinking - although I didn't say it to everyone - that i'd like to be married and be a mother, or at least pregnant and if I'm not pregnant by the opening ceremony, I better be by the closing "

Then see what he says and what sort of time frame he's got. Or if he's got any other "by the next Olympics" things he'd like to get done...