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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby so much to think I'd rather TTC now than waiting for the 'perfect' timing?

127 replies

Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:17

Hi all,

I'm new here and I come to you with a bit of a dilemma. Bit long - sorry.

Here's the background: I'm in my mid 20s, DP is 30. We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him. It is small but not tiny (one bedroom, good sized living room/kitchen and potential to create another bedroom in the loft when we have the funds.) The area is full of mums with buggies - it is very child friendly. Both DP and I work full time. He's got a decent income, mine is average or slightly less. Financially we're ok - but really not rolling in it.

I've always known that being a mother eventually will be the most important job of my life. I did well academically and my job is stable, but would give it all up in a blink to have children. Though I've always known that, I've pushed the thought of children away - waiting for a better time e.g. when I'd met the right person (I now have) when I was living somewhere permanent, not renting (I now am) when I had a job I could go back to after maternity leave etc (possible.) If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be totally over the moon. However, it still doesn't feel like the 'perfect' time.

We only have one bedroom - how long can you go with a baby sleeping in your bedroom? Max 2 years?
We aren't married - wouldn't bother either of us, but might bother DP's family. Is it hard fielding the 'that was clearly a mistake baby' vibe that people on his side would feel?
Financially - what are your thoughts on a minimum collective income suitable for bringing up a child? I think we'd manage, but like I said - we aren't in a place where money is no object. I couldn't ask my family for financial support. His could help a little bit.

I've not spoken with DP about this in any depth. He knows how much I love children and that being a mother is my priority as opposed to career ambition. We're solid - baby free, I imagine we'll get married sometime in the next 4 years. However, he's anxious about turning 30 and is acclimatising to the fact that he now pays a mortgage etc. I know for a fact that sitting down and having a 'shall we have a baby?' talk is impossible right now, but also know that if I was pregnant, he'd be very excited. He's very responsible, likes to 'do the right thing' and would opt to wait for 'the perfect time' - I know that....But I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like I am living for the future, when I have a child. I don't mean this in a cutesy way, like a kid with a doll. I mean that I can't shut out my maternal instinct, to the point that I am unhappy in my job. I adore DP, I love our little flat, but I know that being a mum will be everything to me. I think about having a child everyday - watching their development, nurturing a little life, managing the logistics of it all (yes I'm that tragic!)

So is there really a 'perfect' time? Should I keep pushing it all to one side? Would it be totally unfair on DP and despicable behaviour to stop taking the pill? Any opinions really welcomed Confused Thanks!

OP posts:
LizLemon007 · 02/10/2012 12:22

No, but I think you can afford to wait a little whihle.

I never got to announce 'woo hoo I'm pregnant' because first dc was a bit of a mistake and second i was talked into and I felt uneasy about the relationship.

all of those firsts, peeing on the stick, announcing it, telling everybody, everybody else being happy for you... they'll all be more enjoyable when everything else is in place.

I was 32 so a bit older than you and yet some people didn't know whether to say congratulations or not!! I wanted to hear congratulations even though I felt uneasy myself. I was not broody I guess. Maybe this isn't helping you!!

I think you need to say to your bf that what both of you want matters, so you are prepared to wait say a year if he is prepared to go for it in a year??? if you could wait that long could he go for it in a year...?

if he says no then you'll knwo where you are.

ps, i love my children but I'm not sure I love BEING a mother. It is incredibly challenging, over-whelming, all-encompassing. YES you love your child but it can leave you feeling like you're running on empty. if your bf does say he will try in a year, enjoy this childfree time of your life

YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 12:23

Talk to him first and then get on with it! Fertility waits for no-one!

Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:23

I should probably add that I wouldn't consider having a baby for the sake of it and would not be seriously tussling with this dilemma if DP and I were not right for each other. It is partly the realisation that we're a solid unit and will be together for the future that has brought this about. DP is 'the one' should such a thing exist, and I don't mean for it to sound like he's merely the baby juice in this equation!

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 12:24

Ellie, it didn't sound like you were saying that!Smile You sound established and committed.

Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:24

Fertility waits for no-one! I like that!
However, I know that he'd argue that having a baby is not a priority and that fertility could wait another few years, practical boy that he is. Humpf. How do you start that kind of chat, too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:25

Thanks YOS Smile

OP posts:
LizLemon007 · 02/10/2012 12:25

ps, you haven't actually talked babies yet, or set a date.

My advice would be to let him get thirty done and dusted and see that life goes on!!! then say to him that you would like to get married sooner than in four years. that seems like a long game plan. If i'd met somebody and knew they were the one etc,,, i wouldn't want to wait four years.

VikingVagine · 02/10/2012 12:26

If everybody waited for 'the perfect moment' to have the childre, the human race would die out pretty quickly Grin . Sounds to me like you should go for it especially because having a child when your younger is so much easier !

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 12:27

Of course it would be despicable to stop taking the pill without discussing it with him...I'm surprised you need to ask.

It's a tough one. If he's as keen on children as you are, why has be bought a 1 bed property?

And is your name on the mortgage?

Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:27

Thank you too LizLemon. Yes - one year doesn't sound like much. But it also sounds like such a long time when I am so sure! My question to you both is how do you broach those kinds of chats?

OP posts:
VikingVagine · 02/10/2012 12:27

Sorry, flu and the iPad leads to poor typing.

CakeMeIAmYours · 02/10/2012 12:29

Honestly, in your situation I wouldn't.

You're not married and your name isn't on the deeds of the house. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position should anything go wrong in your relationship. Time is on your side, why not use it to address these issues and then think about TTC?

Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:31

He bought a one-bed because it was more affordable than two bed in that area, and because we'd have the option of converting the roof. At the time, a vague idea of being in the house for 5 years was bandied about - without referring to needing another bedroom for a child. In my heart of hearts, I know he'd opt to wait another few years (marriage or not) - hence the dilemma.

Taking on board that stopping the pill without mentioning it has been vetoed (I probably couldn't bring myself to do it anyway) - where can I start in explaining how much this means to me? Even if it is just to say 'could we reassess this in say, one year?' and just generally bring it to the table.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellie7 · 02/10/2012 12:31

Without explicitly*

OP posts:
VikingVagine · 02/10/2012 12:33

I'd just start a conversation with "I want a baby, soon" and see where it goes.

ViviPru · 02/10/2012 12:33

how do you broach those kinds of chats

The MN way: Wait until you are both in a clear mindspace, not too distracted by other issues, take a deep breath and just start the conversational ball rolling without too much agenda or forethought. In the car on a long journey works well.

The ViviPru way: Wait 9 years until you're fit to pop, start a thread on Mumsnet canvassing opinion and geeing you up, arrange a weekend away just you and him, take a deep breath and... if you're very lucky he'll already have a ring squirreled away about his person and will make the poetic revelation that he now 'wouldn't actually mind if you got pregnant'

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 12:34

I don't even know if you should broach it without thinking it through.

Is your name on the mortage or not?

If it isn't, you'll end up pregnant with no real security and you're talking about giving up your job too?

Sorry but it's not the smartest of moves to rush into this.

I'd at least wait until you're married as that will at least afford you some sort of security.

DoubleYew · 02/10/2012 12:34

Don't stop taking the pill yet. You do need to talk about it with dp. Eg does he see ttc next year or in 3 years?

Converting your loft will be a lot easier before you have a baby. If you get a crap sleeper you may co-sleep for years (dp may prefer a spare room to get some sleep sometimes) or you may want to try in their own room to see if they settle better.

Even if you really really want a child it is hard work and you don't want to start with any resentment on one side, as it will test your relationship anyway.

Have you got friends / family with young dc? Ask if you can take them for a walk to park or play while the parent has a bath or gets some paperwork done. They will probably love it and you will get some practice.

sookiesookie · 02/10/2012 12:35

The timing is rarely perfect, but imo your isn't even nearly.

he owns your home. You have only just moved in together, what if in 6 mo the you realise, actually this isn't working. I know that can happen with couples who have been together years, but its less likely. I also know some couples have been very happy in the situation you describe (is have baby quite quickly) but its less likely.

I also wouldn't recommend having a baby in your room until 2, but that's me.

You also need to work out a financial plan you both agree on. So will you be a sahm, or will you nee to work. Are you happy with that? What are the child care costs etc.

Sometimes these things happen and we have to work it after. But you can work it out before you ttc.

Never ttc without his consent. If he is not ready to ttx then you have a decision to make.

oohlaalaa · 02/10/2012 12:36

In your situation, I wouldn't.

I wanted a baby all my adult life. We started TTC when I was 29 and DH 34. We'd been together for almost a decade. I'm glad we waited, as we were in a much better position financially. I always said to DH that I wanted to start trying before I was 30, no matter what the financial situation, in case there were problems. As it turned out, first month of trying I was pregnant. I was so very glad for our savings, especially after I was made redundant.

LizLemon007 · 02/10/2012 12:36

Ellie7, I think the fact that you can't broach the subject means that deep down you strongly suspect he's on a totally different page. There were subjects I couldn't broach with my x, to do with finances (everything was set up to suit him. I avoided talking about things and so things continued to suit him!). A different dilemma but perhaps the reluctance to bring the normal conversation and normal 'desire' into the open stems from that almost certain knowledge that it won't be received well.

I think you're better off knowing either way. Maybe don't launch straight in and say 'i want a baby within the year'. But if the timescale on the table at the moment is 'get married within four years' then I think you would be very reasonable to say why FOUR years?!?!? can't you make it 2 years, and then say that you would like to have a baby shortly after getting married.

I think if he's on board, four years, two years, .... he shouldn't panic too much in theory. Four years sounds suspiciously long imo. And maybe mumsnet has taught me to be suspicious. Getting married in FOUR years sounds like, welllllll letz jussssst seeeeeeeeee how it all pans out before we go committing

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2012 12:37

And with the best will in the world, buying a 1 bed flat with a view to possibly being able to afford to convert the loft, is flaky at best.

LizLemon007 · 02/10/2012 12:37

Ellie7, I think the fact that you can't broach the subject means that deep down you strongly suspect he's on a totally different page. There were subjects I couldn't broach with my x, to do with finances (everything was set up to suit him. I avoided talking about things and so things continued to suit him!). A different dilemma but perhaps the reluctance to bring the normal conversation and normal 'desire' into the open stems from that almost certain knowledge that it won't be received well.

I think you're better off knowing either way. Maybe don't launch straight in and say 'i want a baby within the year'. But if the timescale on the table at the moment is 'get married within four years' then I think you would be very reasonable to say why FOUR years?!?!? can't you make it 2 years, and then say that you would like to have a baby shortly after getting married.

I think if he's on board, four years, two years, .... he shouldn't panic too much in theory. Four years sounds suspiciously long imo. And maybe mumsnet has taught me to be suspicious. Getting married in FOUR years sounds like, welllllll letz jussssst seeeeeeeeee how it all pans out before we go committing

ViviPru · 02/10/2012 12:38

Even if it is just to say 'could we reassess this in say, one year?'

Thinking about timeframes is a good place to start. Be very honest with yourself and set few ideal-scenario 'by this time we'll be xxx' and also those at-a-push absolute final deadlines that you realistically wouldn't want to wait any longer than. Then you need to compare notes with him, giving him time to work out his own timeframes, firmed up a bit better than his existing vague 'another few years'. Then you can start to work on getting him round to your way of thinking working out a compromise.

Pooka · 02/10/2012 12:40

I agree with cakemeimyours.

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