To want a baby so much to think I'd rather TTC now than waiting for the 'perfect' timing?

[Ellie7]

Hi all,

I'm new here and I come to you with a bit of a dilemma. Bit long - sorry.

Here's the background: I'm in my mid 20s, DP is 30. We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him. It is small but not tiny (one bedroom, good sized living room/kitchen and potential to create another bedroom in the loft when we have the funds.) The area is full of mums with buggies - it is very child friendly. Both DP and I work full time. He's got a decent income, mine is average or slightly less. Financially we're ok - but really not rolling in it.

I've always known that being a mother eventually will be the most important job of my life. I did well academically and my job is stable, but would give it all up in a blink to have children. Though I've always known that, I've pushed the thought of children away - waiting for a better time e.g. when I'd met the right person (I now have) when I was living somewhere permanent, not renting (I now am) when I had a job I could go back to after maternity leave etc (possible.) If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be totally over the moon. However, it still doesn't feel like the 'perfect' time.

We only have one bedroom - how long can you go with a baby sleeping in your bedroom? Max 2 years?
We aren't married - wouldn't bother either of us, but might bother DP's family. Is it hard fielding the 'that was clearly a mistake baby' vibe that people on his side would feel?
Financially - what are your thoughts on a minimum collective income suitable for bringing up a child? I think we'd manage, but like I said - we aren't in a place where money is no object. I couldn't ask my family for financial support. His could help a little bit.

I've not spoken with DP about this in any depth. He knows how much I love children and that being a mother is my priority as opposed to career ambition. We're solid - baby free, I imagine we'll get married sometime in the next 4 years. However, he's anxious about turning 30 and is acclimatising to the fact that he now pays a mortgage etc. I know for a fact that sitting down and having a 'shall we have a baby?' talk is impossible right now, but also know that if I was pregnant, he'd be very excited. He's very responsible, likes to 'do the right thing' and would opt to wait for 'the perfect time' - I know that....But I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like I am living for the future, when I have a child. I don't mean this in a cutesy way, like a kid with a doll. I mean that I can't shut out my maternal instinct, to the point that I am unhappy in my job. I adore DP, I love our little flat, but I know that being a mum will be everything to me. I think about having a child everyday - watching their development, nurturing a little life, managing the logistics of it all (yes I'm that tragic!)

So is there really a 'perfect' time? Should I keep pushing it all to one side? Would it be totally unfair on DP and despicable behaviour to stop taking the pill? Any opinions really welcomed Thanks!

We are not married and have three children, but we did buy our first fleapit house together. I would concentrate on saving up a deposit for somewhere with two bedrooms, once you have had a baby you will never be able to save up that kind of money again. Then you will have a home you can bring a child up in.

Worra From this

We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him

I'm assuming she isn't on the mortgage (and hence not the deeds)

OP is that right?

FWIW you sound like a lovely woman and i think you'd make a great mother.

Definitely discuss it first, i wouldnt just stop taking your pill. It could cause a mountain of resentment on his part.

And all the other posters suggesting caution.

In terms of how to broach it how about "I'm broody" and see how he reacts?

It was no shock to DH when we discussed trying to start a family, as I'd been mooning over babies for ages.

It then progressed to more, lets come off the pill and see what happens (Nothing happens in my case but thats a different story which took IVF & 6 years.)

DH knew I wanted kids, and he'd never had any urges, but went with the flow as he knew how much it meant to me. He's a brilliant Dad by the way, and wouldn't change things for the world.

Personally I wouldn't make it into a big confrontation/serious sit down talk, unless it was a deal breaker, more make him aware that its something you want.

Gauge his reaction, and take it from there.

Personally, I would have the talk, and see what he says- there will never be that 'perfect' time, something will always come up which makes having a child not the best decision, but, if you really want to have child, you will overcome all those barriers together. Also, you may be one of the lucky ones who concieve easily and carry babies to full term perfectly, or you may be one of the unlucky ones, like myself, who struggle with this. It took us almost 8yrs before we got our boys. At the end of the day, this is such a big, life changing thing, it needs both of you to agree and be happy about it though.

That's what I was wondering cake

Thanks everyone - you're all giving great advice.

As most of you say - the timing is bad. I don't think he'd be on board as something planned just yet. You're right, and I know that.

The uncertainty/lack of my name on the deeds/lengthy timescale is less about a question of commitment and more geared towards me building a career, which I now can confront as meaning less to me than it does to him, or perhaps your average modern woman. When he bought the house, I was freelancing and looking for full time jobs. It look a long time, far longer than I could ever have anticipated, and lots of struggle. Financially, getting married or having me contribute to a mortgage in the short-term was unrealistic at the time of the house purchase. We saw getting established as a priority.

Fortune changed and I now feel like a fully functioning member of society with a stable job and income (seriously, unemployment messes with your head.)

I realise how the above could have seemed flakey without this background info.

Given the change of circumstance since our last vague pin point of 4/5 years to kids and marriage, and your feedback, I think I'd like to bring up the topic with him properly. I'm not sure where to start though. Vivipru - I can see it turning out the way you described!

Any more ideas for this kind of convo then?

Remember as well Ellie, you've only just moved in together so you're in the honeymoon phase.

I don't think that's a good time to make a decision like this.

There's plenty of time.

All i can say is there is a never a perfect time to have a kiddie... just realised someone else said that too. BUT you MUST (if you can):

make sure you have somewhere secure to live

make sure the baby will be wanted by both parents

have a plan in terms of work and child care.

We were in similar to your situation and we moved to a larger house (very cheap area!). It killed me sticking on those patches every week to stop my baby coming but it was worth it. We are very content now despite being redundant and skint! At least we have the house andeach other!!

Also,,,,,,,,,, maybe you could offer to have your name put on the mortgage and share the repayments with him. present it like that, like a common sense offer. if he doesn't see you heading in the same direction you'll know.

IF he doesn't want you on the mortgage contributing , then,

But didn't you say in your OP that you want to give your job up?

Ok so it wasn't viable to buy the property together at the time but he can pay a couple of hundred pounds to have your name added to it.

The space is not a problem. We have never moved into a house with enough room, always moved again or extended. We were 3in a 1 bedroom, 4 in a 2 then 5 in a 3. Babies don't need more than space for a cot.

What is more of an issue is your career and your relationship- if you're stable in both.

sorry, just seen your post about you free lancing.

Wow thanks for so many replies! I can't keep up with you all!

In response to worra and cake - no I'm not on the mortgage, have added more info above.

Any more ideas of starting 'the talk' - whether it is comparing timescales etc would be great. I'm making notes! Describe the scenario for me! Thanks everyone :)

Why do you want the 'talk' without at least taking some of the opinions on board about your security?

I realise you're excited but really think about this.

If your fortunes have changed, how about remortgaging the flat in both of your names?

As things stand at the moment, even if you make contributions to the mortgage repayments (and even if you fund home improvements etc) these will count for nothing if you split up. It is his flat and you will have no claim on it at all.

I agree with PP that you sound lovely, but please protect yourself. Baby or no, the 'balance of power' in this set up is very heavily skewed against you and I worry that this will cause issues further down the line.

I do contribute to the mortgage - just via bank transfer to him and not through the bank - as my finances have changed since buying the house. Will certainly incorporate the idea of being on the papers into the talk. It's just something we haven't got around to.

I would say only you know whether his lack of interest in planing marriage/babies/the future is symptomatic yours and his long-term incompatibility.

When I asked on here about similar issues, many people said that if he's not shown an interest in the last 9 years then would he ever? Turns out he'd been waiting for a specific event (turning a profit from his business) but because I'd not wanted to pressurise him, we'd never really discussed it. Serendipitously, the very point I felt that I just couldn't wait any longer coincided with him finally feeling ready. But I had to wait a really long time, and now I have potential age-related fertility issues. But for me it wouldn't have been right to force him into anything before he felt the time was right.

I think that you have a good starting point about your circumstances having changed since you last discussed things. As blending says, it doesn't necessarily have to be a big serious talk.

God I sound like an over excited teenager! I'm honestly not like that, just finding it hard to describe the situation and how it all fell together in this way better. The key thing is that my finances have changed drastically since moving in together. You're all right, thanks, for raising the fact that it is a priority to cover myself financially. This is all quite new as I've clearly not owned property before and it is quite a minefield.

I guess that's my point OP, contributing to the mortgage gives you absolutely no protection.

The law sees contributions to the mortgage from an unmarried partner as being an implied agreement to live together, not as you having any rights on the actual property itself.

Sorting out the property side is very simple. Just speak to a conveyancer about changing to documents to Beneficial Joint Tenancy or Tenants In Common. They will be able to advise on what's best for you, and it shouldn't be very expensive.

I think you need to look into this as a matter of priority.

x post OP, sorry to bang on about it, but I have come across this situation so many times professionally. All the women (it is pretty much always the woman) kick themselves in hindsight for allowing the romance and excitement of moving in together to cloud their judgement.

It is exciting to move in together, so please do allow yourself to enjoy that, just think of your security too.

Its not as simple as just the possibility of being turfed out, I believe that such a fundamental imbalance in security between DPs breeds an unhealthy dynamic in relationships.

I'm going to rain on the parade.

I think the fact that you even mention coming off the pill and needed MN to veto that idea for you is a bit . no one should be tricked into becoming a parent. How solid and strong is your relationship if you'd even in a million years consider doing this to the man you say you love?

Also - has it ever crossed your mind that either 1) you might not be able to have children or 2) you might not actually like being a mum? And it sounds great to say it's the most important job of your life, and it is, but one day you might be glad that it was/is not the whole of your life. I love being a mum, I've got 3 amazing children and I had the first at 29. I took time to nurture my career, was able to return PT, and since they have gone to school I've been able to take it in a totally different direction and learn new skills. This actually makes me a better mum. And a much more interesting person.

You do sound nice. But the way you are describing motherhood sounds, well, a bit chick-flick, judt a bit romantic. You say in words it's not "cutesy", but it comes over that way with me.

Or maybe I'm just a jaded old harridan whose in pain today and who knows that the peak of mothering today is going to be going to the orthodontist, practicing spellings, and probably screeching at them to do music practice. But I love being a mum, really I do!! :)

Hope you can make e right decision for you, your dp and your future family! Good luck!

Your contributing to the mortgage via a bank transfer but you are not on the deeds? Sorry, that is the first conversation you should be having. You are in a very vulnerable position if you split and couples often do after a baby comes along. Get your head out the clouds and really think about your future.