To want a baby so much to think I'd rather TTC now than waiting for the 'perfect' timing?

[Ellie7]

Hi all,

I'm new here and I come to you with a bit of a dilemma. Bit long - sorry.

Here's the background: I'm in my mid 20s, DP is 30. We've just moved in together, into a lovely little flat bought by him. It is small but not tiny (one bedroom, good sized living room/kitchen and potential to create another bedroom in the loft when we have the funds.) The area is full of mums with buggies - it is very child friendly. Both DP and I work full time. He's got a decent income, mine is average or slightly less. Financially we're ok - but really not rolling in it.

I've always known that being a mother eventually will be the most important job of my life. I did well academically and my job is stable, but would give it all up in a blink to have children. Though I've always known that, I've pushed the thought of children away - waiting for a better time e.g. when I'd met the right person (I now have) when I was living somewhere permanent, not renting (I now am) when I had a job I could go back to after maternity leave etc (possible.) If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd be totally over the moon. However, it still doesn't feel like the 'perfect' time.

We only have one bedroom - how long can you go with a baby sleeping in your bedroom? Max 2 years?
We aren't married - wouldn't bother either of us, but might bother DP's family. Is it hard fielding the 'that was clearly a mistake baby' vibe that people on his side would feel?
Financially - what are your thoughts on a minimum collective income suitable for bringing up a child? I think we'd manage, but like I said - we aren't in a place where money is no object. I couldn't ask my family for financial support. His could help a little bit.

I've not spoken with DP about this in any depth. He knows how much I love children and that being a mother is my priority as opposed to career ambition. We're solid - baby free, I imagine we'll get married sometime in the next 4 years. However, he's anxious about turning 30 and is acclimatising to the fact that he now pays a mortgage etc. I know for a fact that sitting down and having a 'shall we have a baby?' talk is impossible right now, but also know that if I was pregnant, he'd be very excited. He's very responsible, likes to 'do the right thing' and would opt to wait for 'the perfect time' - I know that....But I feel so unfulfilled. I feel like I am living for the future, when I have a child. I don't mean this in a cutesy way, like a kid with a doll. I mean that I can't shut out my maternal instinct, to the point that I am unhappy in my job. I adore DP, I love our little flat, but I know that being a mum will be everything to me. I think about having a child everyday - watching their development, nurturing a little life, managing the logistics of it all (yes I'm that tragic!)

So is there really a 'perfect' time? Should I keep pushing it all to one side? Would it be totally unfair on DP and despicable behaviour to stop taking the pill? Any opinions really welcomed Thanks!

Ok we'll have to agree to disagree as I still think that "big" conversations shouldn't be that hard to broach with your life partner, but to give you our example, we discussed how long we wanted to wait after getting married before TTC. as we had a long haul trip booked I said after that, as I didn't want to have morning sickness on the plane etc. So when we got back from the trip I think DH said to me or I said to him "so we're stopping with the pill then?" and that was pretty much it. Probably not much help to you but like with marriage, we never really had a "big talk" more of an understanding that we were likeminded so it came into conversations about future regularly.

Things got harder for us when I was made redundant whilst pregnant as our savings plan for the maternity leave was thrown into disarray as well as me not getting maternity leave paid, so no matter how well you plan things can go wrong. However I still think it's wise to put yourself in the best possible position (within reason), financially, emotionally and legally before having a child.

Thanks again everyone - still can't keep up with all your helpful/constructive comments.

In terms of marriage, part of me would love a 'big day' etc. However, I do feel that everyday life takes priority and would happily skip down to the registry office with a couple of witnesses if it meant we could do something like converting the roof. He's said in the past that having children symbolises commitment to him, more than the act of marriage. Clearly this doesn't take legal issues into account, but then again it was a passing comment.

I'm saving at the moment - not officially for the roof - but yes, unofficially.

I'm just talking now really. You've all been helpful, thanks.

FWIW here's what I think:

There is no 'perfect' time. But there are times that are better than others: to do with money, health, security, space. The point about you not being married and living in your DP's flat is a very good one.

Over and above that; the most important thing is (if you have any choice in the matter, which it sounds like you do) is to try and get the two of you committed to raising a child as a team. You both need to be in the right place in your heads, if you see what I mean. Personally I would never condone having an 'accident' on the assumption that it'll all turn out ok. You might be 100% correct that he would be delighted that you were pregnant, but the fact would remain that there was an element of deceit involved, which is not a good foundation to build upon. It is possible that having a child will eventually bring someone round to the other's way of thinking, but it's not a guarantee. And it is bloody hard work, which will test you hard- you don't want to start off with any weaknesses that you could have addressed beforehand.

Hope this helps!

Ooh, I like your "by the next Olympics" idea IDo - that's genius

Loving the achievements by Rio idea Dontmind!

silverten

I agree entirely with that

Why does there have to be 'the talk' as a big occasion? Don't you just naturally chat about this kind of thing in your day to day life? Surely you know better than random people on MN how to talk to your own husband? Why do you keep fishing for other people's 'stories'/example conversations?

Assuming this is genuine...I would really advise not building up 'being a mum' as the only thing you want, your calling in life etc. For one thing, it may not happen, for one reason or another. Also it's not the healthiest attitude for either you or the child. Better to keep it in proportion.

I expect you always know just the right words for every occasion, Ephiny.

Your second point is a good one though.

Thank you silverten it does help

Don't worry, you can defo find a balance between "right now" and "impossibly far off perfect time." You just need to look for something a bit righter than right now.

I'd defo echo the responses to wait til you've lived together a year, as that's really a good test of your future compatability. Then talk about marriage and kids, talk about it openly.

If you don't believe in marriage you still need to talk about wills, life insurance, division of earnings and joint tenancy of the house. You may believe 100% you'd never split up but what if tragedy struck? Without getting these things sorted his family could take the house and all the money. Also with the best will in the world, lovely men sometimes do turn around and change and dump women and totally screw them financially. People are really different post-breakup so you need to protect yourself. Much as you love kids, bringing them up as a single SAHM in a poor part of town could be awful. If your DP is really one of the good guys he will understand all this, he will not think you are a gold digger for bringing it up, but just being sensible and he will sort it out to take care of you.

I know you will hate to hear this, but FWIW you have so much time! I'm finally pregnant at 33 and I worried for years that "time was running out" for me. Now though I am really glad it happened now as I do realise with hindsight that this is finally "the perfect time" for me!

If nothing else, enjoy the precious time together now building your relationship. Think of it as the honeymoon years and create lots of wild, loving memories to look back on!

And remember, developing patience is one of the key virtues you will need for children! Big hugs to you OP, you sound lovely. Hope it all goes well for you :)

This is not answering your question, Ellie, but just a comment. I noticed a lot of "being a mother is my priority/most important thing in my life" type comments in your OP.

The thing is, if you have children at say, 27 and 29, and they leave home at age 20, you'll be 49 when they leave home. So, you'll still have an enormous part of your life left after your children leave home (of course, they'll still need you, but not quite in the same way). If being a mum is your be-all and end-all, you might find yourself a bit rudderless when that time comes.

Of course I'm not saying don't have children or even put off having them for this reason. Just make sure you keep up other roles and focuses (if that is a word!) as well as your children...

Ephiny - he's my partner, not my husband, which makes the issue slightly more complex.

.

I struggle for words sometimes, just like everyone else, I guess. But there's something a bit 'off' about this thread IMO.

I'm aware of the shit, vomit, tedious appointments, hair-pulling, sleep deprived tides that go with it, and have worked with young children prior to this job, too.

Its not the same op. I gave worked with children and had 2 of my own. When its all day everyday, its completely sufferers. To me that just says that you are not bring realistic about bring a parent.
I think you have got this romantic notion of what you, do and baby will be like. Which is nice, but not realistic.

Thanks meringue - really useful points. Good one about developing patience! There are things we'd like to do - a trip we'd like to make when we finish with the house expenses etc. You and everyone echoing that (pretty much everyone on this post!) are all right. After reading all this, I almost feel like I'm struggling with head over heart. Yes I'll wait, will try to bring this up in a more constructive way than blurting out how tragic broody I am and seeing what happens.

On wanting to have kids aged say 27, part of it is to do with the fact that my mother was 42 when she had me. I had a great childhood and honestly think that my mother was in a better position as a person to bring me up at that age than she would have been aged 27, but we are all different. Some negative aspects of having/being an older mother have come to me later. That could fill another whole thread, but yes - pros and cons - purpose and lack of etc is not something I'd thought of in the context of myself in 20 years. Thanks

Everyone is different Ephiny - we all face different issues in life which might seem perverse or 'off' to other people who do not struggle with them.

But sookie - could you honestly say you were 100% clued up about all aspects of the experience of parenthood without having gone through it? All first time parents have been childless once - I'm not living in fantasy land.

I don't get why you can't just wander into the kitchen and say to him "do you know? I would really like to have a baby soon. What do you think?"
How are you going to potentially spend the rest of your life with this person if you can't do that?

Also, I am sure you have a relatively gritty idea of parenthood, but all this stuff about not really caring about your job and wanting motherhood to be your life...I don't know.
Maybe it's because I am soooo not on the same page, but I do wonder whether you see mothergood as a sort of get out clause for having to put the effort in in the area of paid work?
Well, you say your DP would want you to go back to work. Full time?
You may not end up getting the kind of motherhood you were hoping for.
You may find that motherhood is just your working life, with extra shopping, cooking, cleaning and rushing around than before.
Not that that is a bad thing. Hell, it's my life! But it's not the rose tinted Cath Kidston-i-fied dream. Not at all.

look into your work - how much maernity pay, do they allow part time work post baby etc.
unless you a) get put on his mortgage so you joint own the flat
or#b) get married
then you should not contemplate losing all financial independence by giving up your job completely.

so consider how you will continue working and use childcare because right now you have no financial security and giving up your work should be last thing on your mind baby or no baby

jsut tell him you want a baby by the time you thirty or 27 whatever it is so he knows. then you have time to move on if he really is not on the same page.

What exactly is so great about babies?

Kids are a humongous pain in the flaps- put it off for as long as possible.

OP, several posters can't understand why you're struggling to know how to bring it up. I found it hard to broach the subject too, but I think that's because I already knew deep down what he thought. And I didn't want to set about forcibly changing his views.

I'm not saying you might have to wait as long as me, but if you suspect that your hopes of parenthood and when it could happen are not in line with his, you're either going to have to sit tight for a while, or find out for sure and work out where you go from here.

I love babies. But I couldn't eat a whole one.

Hi Ellie7, just going to add my own experience here.

I'm not married, but I've lived with my long-term DP for about 7 years now (we rent). He was always clear about the fact that he wanted babies; me, less so. We never had a big talk or anything - mostly just meandering conversations in bed of a lazy Sunday, or on car trips, that kind of thing. Anyway, I got pregnant when we were both 27, and had DD at 28 (I'm now 29). We were quite surprised, but came around to the idea very well and enjoyed making all of our plans together.

I ADORE DD, so does my DP. She is the love of my and of his life. But sometimes I think it would have been prudent to have waited a little longer. In my case, I think by about the age of 30/31 I would have really felt that I'd gotten all of my wild, selfish living out of my system.
First-time parenthood is absolutely shocking (for most people, not all). It is all-consuming, more so for the mother I think. There is no weekend, no day off, no guilt-free lie-in, ever again. And that's OK, you get used to it :) But the realisation that you can never be selfish again does try the strongest couple.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's vitally important to retain a sense of self while all of this is going on. You must be still YOU - a person in your own right. (Anne Enright has a great line in her book about motherhood - about seeing women emerge 7 years after having a baby, finally looking like themselves again as opposed to just MUM.) Having your own financial resources sorted and planned will help you with this, whether you stay with your DP forever (as sounds likely, he seems lovely!) or not, whether you end up being a SAHM for the first few years as not. I urge you to figure all of this out together. Like a pp said, it's really hard to have these conversations once baby arrives!

Thanks. Well I am certain that he wouldn't want to plan a pregnancy now, and that managing to sit tight for a couple of years is the solution. I'm also confident that in a couple of years we'll be on the same page. He's a planner, sensible and likes to do one thing at a time. I'm more impulsive and act on my emotions.

I don't doubt how he feels about our relationship and do I feel I can talk to him. Labouring (if you'll excuse the pun) the point about how to bring it up is just because I'd like to hear as many people's experiences and be as informed as possible before wading in with a talk that is more than just passing comment. This stuff matters to me. It isn't about a lack of ease when speaking to my DP - maybe I'm just taking it all too seriously. I've always thought of MN as a place where women share experiences. I'd just like to know what others have gone through that's all. I used the example earlier of the fact that you'd still revise for an exam back in the day, even if you were familiar and comfy with the subject.

Thank you for sharing curtsey I'll look for the book! What are your views on marriage as part of all this?