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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD (11) should face the consequences of not handing in homework on time

92 replies

freddiefrog · 01/10/2012 19:45

DD (11, in year 6) is completely forgetful and totally absent minded.

She forgets to bring home homework, forgets to hand it in, forgot her bike for Bikeability this morning, forgot after school club, forgets her lunch, and the latest - she was supposed to stay in for 5 minutes at lunchtime today as she didn't hand in grammar homework on time, but forgot to go so has to stay in for 10 minutes instead tomorrow and I have absolutely no sympathy.

I spend half my life chasing her around, reminding her of stuff and generally chivvying her along

When she went back to school in September we made a big planner, filled it all in with clubs, homework times, piano practice, PE days, swimming days, etc, etc and stuck it up on her bedroom wall. It gets updated with homework as she gets it. I remind her to check her planner every morning and evening to check she has the right stuff/got her homework/whatever and stepped back and let her take responsibility for her stuff, and to accept whatever punishment her teacher gives her

A friend thinks I'm being harsh and the kids shouldn't lose their playtime - her DD also has to stay in for 10 minutes tomorrow and is going in to see the head

I think at 11 she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and face up to the consequences without Mumbles interfering

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 01/10/2012 19:47

oh yes. It is the best way for them to learn.

At what age do we start to allow them to face the consequences of their actions? It's a very important thing to learn.

teacher123 · 01/10/2012 19:48

YANBU secondary school is a logistical nightmare compared to primary. She need the practice now!

pongysticks · 01/10/2012 19:48

I agree!! if she goes to uni & work you won't be there to remind her so it's best she learns from her age now.

You're not being harsh, my DS age 8 got told off for missing homework - I told him I've got enough to remember he only has a few things and that's on his list, he hasn't done it since.

I'm fed up of being a walking household diary!

pongysticks · 01/10/2012 19:49

I agree!! if she goes to uni & work you won't be there to remind her so it's best she learns from her age now.

You're not being harsh, my DS age 8 got told off for missing homework - I told him I've got enough to remember he only has a few things and that's on his list, he hasn't done it since.

I'm fed up of being a walking household diary!

Funnylittleturkishdelight · 01/10/2012 19:49

Seeing the head is very unreasonable!

It's the only way she'll learn! Consistency and clear boundaries!

pongysticks · 01/10/2012 19:49

whoops sorry!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/10/2012 19:51

Your friend is going to see the head tomorrow because her child forgot her homework and she doesn't think she deserves a detention? She IBU!

aldiwhore · 01/10/2012 19:51

I was going to say help the poor child, but I see you have already done that... maybe you need to get her into the routine of checking it by quizing her.

I was dreadfully forgetful, and still am. I adore diaries but don't actually use them for purpose of remembering and planning, I write notes, lists, poems, and random diary type guff.

My wall planner is my life saver, but I still forget to update it at times. I am the mother who sent her two boys to harvest festival with a can of aduki beans from the cupboard and some carrots, because that's all I had in this morning. I am the mother who's children often turn up in full uniform on non uniform day, I am the mother who sprints with seconds to spare, into the playground with some random mismatched clothes I have raced home to get.

Strangely I am very good at my job, which involves a lot of organising, remembering, planning etc.,

Keep helping her PLEASE even though she is old enough to take some responsibility, for those of us who struggle with day to day LIFE and are in a permanent state of surprise it is very frustrating to hear "You really should know this" hopefully you can teach her some strategies that will make her life easier.

BlueberryHill · 01/10/2012 19:51

I agree with you, I think that your friend will regret this in years to come.

booge · 01/10/2012 19:51

I was like this, I really didn't mean to be I couldn't help it. I now wonder if I'm dyspraxic. I got such a hard time I hated school.

phantomnamechanger · 01/10/2012 19:52

will her mummy be going into work to tell the big bad boss off for giving a warning or reprimand too?

some people are too daft for words!

Op - you are spot on, actions have consequences - even a 5yo is old enough to understand that !

complexnumber · 01/10/2012 19:52

It's as if I had namechanged to freddiefrog!

perceptionreality · 01/10/2012 19:55

YANBU - I have exactly the same issue with my dd - she is in year 4 so a bit younger but still I feel she ought to be able to take responsibility for her homework by now. She also forgets everything unless I put it in her hand!

All weekend I asked her if she had homework, 'no' she said. Then last night after coming back from a meal with her grandparents she tried to sit down at 9pm and start doing it!

I was so cross with her as we've had a lot of talks about this. And I do worry about how she will cope at high school.

ThisisaSignofthetimes · 01/10/2012 19:55

No, it is the best way to learn. If they can't start to organise themselves in Yr6, Secondary school will be a complete nightmare. My DD was fairly poor at organising herself, her teacher in Yr 4 told me to stop organising her and let her face the consequences. It worked, she is by far one of the better organised and self reliant children in her class in Yr7.

Waitingforastartofall · 01/10/2012 19:56

I think its fair if your giving her the tools to do it herself such as wall calendar, homework diary ect, shes going to have to learn to remember things but then its very rare i forget anything if anything i tend to overplan so its an alien concept for me. the dcs however i do remind them to do homework and we have one night usually friday where i will say right whos got homework everyone to the table and at leasts does half ect then i leave it up to the older two when they will complete

lastSplash · 01/10/2012 19:57

My 11 year old DS is like this (and worse sometimes).

I try and help him because he has enough teachers on his case all day about forgetting stuff, and it must make life pretty miserable for him.

Some kids are less organised, just as some are less sporty, less academic, less arty, or whatever.

perceptionreality · 01/10/2012 19:57

Forgot to say she's nearly 9 so not a young year 4.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2012 19:58

My DD2 (younger than your DD) went through a terrible phase of this last year (Before I get jumped on for being a tyrant - she started to forget things that she had been doing for YEARS like getting her packed lunch out of the fridge in the morning) and it drove me demented

In theend the only thing that helped was to get the school on board too. I explained the pain we were going through at home and asked for their support with reminders, charts and they even did a tag for her school bag with a tally of what she needed each day

Worth a try?

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 19:59

Your mate is a nutter.

losingtrust · 01/10/2012 20:01

Absolutely, she should suffer the consequences. When My DS got his first detention he soon started doing his own homework. How did we learn?

losingtrust · 01/10/2012 20:05

By the way my DS never remembered but DD does all her homework on her own and remembers all her stuff and reminds me and she is only just 8 and in Year 4. If she can do it, then I am sure an 11 year old can. I helped my DS too much when he was younger but not anymore and stopped when he was in Year 6, in readiness for secondary. We all have to learn and if you miss a playtime that's not too bad. Better than after school at secondary.

losingtrust · 01/10/2012 20:09

A word of warning to all those who organise older children. My uncle rang me about a year ago asking lots of questions about how we organised our call centres etc. I was talking to him and asked what he needed all the info for as he was retired. He said he was helping his daugher with a project. She was 28 and a highly paid NHS manager. Once you start, when do you stop.......

CitrusyOne · 01/10/2012 20:10

Op I could climb through my computer to locate you and give you a huge kiss. After all the whinging and moaning about everything teachers and doing wrong and how we're far to harsh your post is a breath of fresh air. Although I hope DD soon gets her act together!

CitrusyOne · 01/10/2012 20:11

Too

Waitforit · 01/10/2012 20:11

YANBU. I'm a year 6 teacher and always tell parents to not battle with their children over homework (different to supporting them!). If they can't be bothered to do it or are disorganised then they need to learn to face the consequences of their actions. I'm happy to teach them this lesson, what I don't want is massive strife happening at home over the issue.

Of course you don't want your child to be in trouble, but in the long run it's far better for them.