to think that DD (11) should face the consequences of not handing in homework on time

[freddiefrog]

DD (11, in year 6) is completely forgetful and totally absent minded.

She forgets to bring home homework, forgets to hand it in, forgot her bike for Bikeability this morning, forgot after school club, forgets her lunch, and the latest - she was supposed to stay in for 5 minutes at lunchtime today as she didn't hand in grammar homework on time, but forgot to go so has to stay in for 10 minutes instead tomorrow and I have absolutely no sympathy.

I spend half my life chasing her around, reminding her of stuff and generally chivvying her along

When she went back to school in September we made a big planner, filled it all in with clubs, homework times, piano practice, PE days, swimming days, etc, etc and stuck it up on her bedroom wall. It gets updated with homework as she gets it. I remind her to check her planner every morning and evening to check she has the right stuff/got her homework/whatever and stepped back and let her take responsibility for her stuff, and to accept whatever punishment her teacher gives her

A friend thinks I'm being harsh and the kids shouldn't lose their playtime - her DD also has to stay in for 10 minutes tomorrow and is going in to see the head

I think at 11 she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and face up to the consequences without Mumbles interfering

Yes I agree with all those saying "let them learn". Unfortunately around age 11 they don't tend to want to listen to you. I'm all for partnership between the school and parents, but sometimes you have to let the teachers do their job!

By the time they get to secondary school they'll be severely disadvantaged if they think they can carry on without any effort at organisation as well as work.

You can wipe yourself out helping them as much as possible, and nag them and yourself half to death - but they do have to start adjusting to their responsibilities too.

I think it's a difficult time, the transition to secondary school. It is here anyway!

is there a reason why she is so forgetful, have you ever ask a HCP if there could be something medically wrong.

your daughter is on her way to high school next year I think you are doing the right thing especially if you have it al in a planner, maybe get her tp check the night before but getting in trouble at school for forgetting homework should start tog et the message home to her, children need to learn personal responsibility or they can grow up blaming everybody else for their behaviour

Thanks!

Yep, friend (well, she's a school-gate-mum sort of friend really) is going in tomorrow to see the Head. She doesn't agree with homework so is furious her DD's playtime has been taken away.

I just think that we've provided her with the tools to organise herself so I'm going to step back and let her face the consequences of fannying around.

Sometimes, I can pick up the slack, i.e, sometimes (like this morning) her friends knock and she walks with them, if I leave a bit later with DD2 and I notice that she's left her bike behind/forgotten her lunch/PE kit/whatever (with me having reminded her to check her planner/handed her her lunch) then I take them with me, but I'm fed up with getting to school and her announcing "oh, I've forgotten my lunch". I'm considering docking her pocket money and making her buy a school dinner if she keeps it up to be honest

waitforit - we've pretty much had the same discussion with DD's teacher - I'm not battling her to do homework anymore either, if she doesn't do it, she has to face the consequences now.

I don't want her to get into trouble (and I don't want school to think I'm slack mum either ) but she's off to secondary school next year

McHappyPants2012 I don't have any concerns that way, she doesn't have any special needs or anything, she's just a bit airy fairy.

Her friends knock in the morning - big rush to go, forgetting her bag/lunch/whatever - despite me handing it to her

I don't want her to get into trouble (and I don't want school to think I'm slack mum either ) but she's off to secondary school next year

If you have spoken to the teacher about it then i am sure they will agree and understand,

freddie 1 of my daughters can't put anything down in the morning or she forgets it she has walked out the door without her blazer it was only when she thought ooo im chilly she came back for it

I think it's a difficult time, the transition to secondary school. It is here anyway!

Yes, I think so. Our Year 6 teacher is absolutely lovely but very strict, she's preparing them for secondary school. She's firm about homework and taking responsibility, where I think they've got away with it before.

In Y5, the teacher wasn't terribly bothered about homework, if they did it bonus, if they didn't, not to worry

yanbu btw, you have done everything possible to help her. Now she needs to stand on her own 2 feet

I make my 5yo suffer the consequences of not doing her homework!

YANBU

Your mate is a loon though

FIrstly your friend is a loon and giving her DD a very bad example. Undermining a teacher's authority is rarely justified imo.

But YABU with your own DD. Yes she should do this detention but then have a re-think. Does she really need to do so many activites? The impression I got from your post is various clubs, swimming, bikeability, piano. When does she get time to chill and do her homework and a relaxed frame of mind.

If it was me I would send her school dinners and pay for them monthly. At my DDs school pe kit stays at school and only gets washed each half half. Help her to set her uniform and pack her bag the night before.

Yanbu

My eldest son is very disorganised, there's a family history of dyslexia and dyspraxia. There is only so much I can do with helping him to remember and organise, it usually results in lots of frustration. Ultimately, he has to work out a system for himself, that's the only way it'll work for him long term. Otherwise all the charts in the world will only result in ever increasingly complicated ways of me organising!

In year 5 I had a conversation with his teachers about his tantrums with homework and forgetting everything. I told them I was taking a back seat and they said YES let us deal with that. He's now in year 7 and still disorganised but often he really tries, he knows it's not his strong point. I didn't catch on until my late 20's, now I'm highly efficient ;)

My youngest son doesn't have the same problems, he's actually very organised! I take a similar stance, I'll help but its up to you.

Yes, learning to take personal responsibility and manage belongings, time and tasks are key like skills. You've done so much to support her ready, it time for her to see what happens when she forgets to do homework etc. If she can crack these things (or make real headway on them in Y6, then settling in to secondary school will be much easier.

Dc1 has just started in Y7 and is still losing things, but, he cracked the homework issue properly in Y6 and comes in now each afternoon, reviews what needs to be done, when and where best to fit the work in around other after school commitments, even setting the ground rules of coming in, relaxing with one TV programme plus snack and drink, then homework. Y6 was the year dc1 began to properly grasp the need to take personal responsibility. It wasn't plain sailing by any means, and there were times when he realised at 9pm he had homework to complete and if he didn't he would have detention. After much teeth gnashing and a couple of detentions, he then asked for an alarm clock so that if he hit the 9pm panic, he could get himself up earlier and get the work done in the morning. We reached a point where we knew we had to bat the decisions back at him and see if he could draw on his ability to be self-reliant.

Key life skills obviously is what I meant....

I think I have the opposite. My dd (12) is so obsessed with organising her homework that my dh and myself constantly feel nagged! If its not new printer cartridges it's something else and I have to physically extract her out of her work cos she would sit up all night doing art or English homework. I know I shouldn't complain but teenagers exist in extremes don't they. I wonder what age they start to inhabit middle ground.

I would help her tbh as much as is reasonable, but i would also be ok with any consequences that come from slip ups iyswim.

My dc are all v. forgetful. It drives me mad. I'll remind the and they still forget.

Ds recently spent forever on a poster for a presentation (graded) in class. It was a big deal. He a long time preparing for it, and the whole evening just on the poster. He put the poster right by the front door so he didn't forget it. The next morning he's in a flap about his presentation, and rushes off to school. And yes, left the poster right by the front door.

I took it in at break time because it was possible for me to do so. Just like when dh has forgotten his work key/pass I've taken them into him, if it has been possible for me to do so. My dh even at 42 has real problems remembering stuff and not loosing stuff (he went out last week and forgot his suit jacket with kindle in it) He might have to suffer the consequences, but he wouldn't get punched.

I see my dc (and I) have real problems remembering stuff so I don't think it's kind to sit back and watch them suffer for the sake of it, yes, experience the natural consequences, but helping to organise, and reminding them and supporting as much as they need is important. I don't think just buying a diary and leaving them to it is enough (not saying that for you OP)

ANother example. My dd (4) was invited to a party. I wrote in on the wall planner, I wrote it in my fil o fax, I put it in my IPhone, I bought the present and wrapped it. 7pm, bathing dd suddenly remembered it was the party that afternoon, and despite having it written in so many places I just totally forgot :( I felt so bad for dd, and mortifyingly embarrassed in front of the parents. If someone had reminded me, I would have been very grateful.

Some people (me) just really struggle with these things.

My ds is dyslexic and one of the common factors is that he finds it very difficult to remember instructions for more than a few minutes. He is a classic absent minded professor at times :)

I'm glad that your school isn't as fierce as ds's primary. We had a big argument with them punishing him for not handing in homework when he was about 7 (he had done it, but had totally forgotten it was in his bag). But at 11 a five minute detention seems perfectly reasonable, and your wall planner is a great idea (ds had an agenda for writing things in but often forgot or couldn't read what he had written).

I'm dyslexic, this is my biggest problem and it want picked up until your DD age as I was quit academically bright.

The only thing that I've found very helpful is my new phone as it reminds me of things I need to do. as long as I reenter to put everything in my phone that is.

I shouldn't complain but teenagers exist in extremes don't they. I wonder what age they start to inhabit middle ground.

DD is 19 and im still waiting she is quite uptight up things

I was dyspraxic and totally disorganised, ds is dyspraxic and totally disorganised. Both of us needed to learn that getting your act together actually matters in life, that other people care, and that if you find it difficult you are just going to have to work that little bit harder. So I have never tried to protect him from a detention.

cory my 14 yr old is dyspraxic yes it is hard to get organised but she needs to learn, she is loads better than she used to be but she is a bit older now so she can 'think' a bit better,

Absolutely they do the homework or face the consequences. I didn't have homework at my primary, so it was something of a shock when I got to secondary. I also got no help from my parents with it, except pointing me in the direction of helpful books or something. They were definitely of the opinion that if the school set punishments for not doing homework, that was completely justifiable.

Fortunately in those days we didn't have homework diaries, so now and again there would be some frantic copying of someone elses homework before registration or during break! But even that showed some sort of responsibility, trying to get it done in time rather than just not bothering at all.

Does she really need to do so many activites? The impression I got from your post is various clubs, swimming, bikeability, piano. When does she get time to chill and do her homework and a relaxed frame of mind.

She doesn't do loads of activities, most of these are school things.

Swimming - she has swimming lessons once a week with her school until the end of this term

PE twice a week

For swimming and PE she doesn't keep kit in school, they're sent back home. Every week the kits get washed, bags packed and left for her to take to school, she just has to check her planner and pick up the bag

Bikeability - bike proficiency test with school, once a week for the next 6 weeks. Her whole class does it

Piano lesson - with the school music service (she's supposed to do 10 minutes practice a day at home)

2 school-run after school clubs until 3.30pm and once a week she does Scouts.

Homework-wise:
Spellings
1 times table sheet a week
a short 10 minute literacy worksheet 2 or 3 times a week
short 2 question maths worksheet 2 or 3 times a week
reading
a project every half term (i.e. design a theme park or something like that)

She's just forgetful. Her head is in the clouds, is too worried about her friends knocking for her or whether she can go to the park after school. After school she's so busy gossiping with her mates she forgets to bring her homework home with her. Her teachers aren't concerned about anything, she's doing well, she's just prone to airy-fairy-ness

Yesterday morning, her friends knocked, I handed her her lunch, reminded her she needed her bike. Big rush to see her friends, much giggling and chatting. I followed her out of the house 2 minutes later where I found her lunchbox on the floor in the hall where she'd put it down to open the front door (it's a 2 handed job) and her bike still in the carport. I came back from the school run to find her waterbottle on the bonnet of our car, I assume she'd put it down for some reason and then walked off without it

Every morning we have the same conversation:
me - have you checked your planner?
DD - yes
me - what have you got today? have you got every thing you need?
DD - yes, it's swimming/PE/got to hand in X homework
me - have you got it all ready to go?
DD - yes

2 minutes later, I find the homework on the floor of the bathroom, or her kit on the floor in the hall. I think I'm going to start stapling this stuff to her

Or, I'll sort bookbags when she gets home and find she's managed to remember to take it, but forgotten to hand it in

Every evening I remind her to check her planner, what's got to be handed in, is it in her bag ready for the next day, etc, etc

I've tried making it easy for her, I do take lunch/homework/kit/etc in for her when I can, but sometimes I'm out/at work/etc so it's not always possible, and actually, I think she should be responsible for this stuff.

Hopefully a few short sharp shocks from school will focus her a bit

My ds is exactly the same. He's 8. It's tiring running round after him. I keep thinking he will grow out of it but is showing no signs. I wouldn't let him get into trouble though. It's not deliberate iyswim, it's just his personality and I can't punish him for that.