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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD (11) should face the consequences of not handing in homework on time

92 replies

freddiefrog · 01/10/2012 19:45

DD (11, in year 6) is completely forgetful and totally absent minded.

She forgets to bring home homework, forgets to hand it in, forgot her bike for Bikeability this morning, forgot after school club, forgets her lunch, and the latest - she was supposed to stay in for 5 minutes at lunchtime today as she didn't hand in grammar homework on time, but forgot to go so has to stay in for 10 minutes instead tomorrow and I have absolutely no sympathy.

I spend half my life chasing her around, reminding her of stuff and generally chivvying her along

When she went back to school in September we made a big planner, filled it all in with clubs, homework times, piano practice, PE days, swimming days, etc, etc and stuck it up on her bedroom wall. It gets updated with homework as she gets it. I remind her to check her planner every morning and evening to check she has the right stuff/got her homework/whatever and stepped back and let her take responsibility for her stuff, and to accept whatever punishment her teacher gives her

A friend thinks I'm being harsh and the kids shouldn't lose their playtime - her DD also has to stay in for 10 minutes tomorrow and is going in to see the head

I think at 11 she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and face up to the consequences without Mumbles interfering

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 02/10/2012 09:49

I think I'm going to start stapling this stuff to her

OH velcro velcro it too her bet we could take a velcro school jumper to dragons den Grin

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/10/2012 09:51

Oh, yes. A velcro school jumper. Could make a fortune!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 02/10/2012 09:52

telling you it is a goer parents would snap it up

Hopeforever · 02/10/2012 10:00

You sound a very caring mum in giving her tools for life.

Not sure if its already been said, but would a check list poster by the front door help in this transition stage as well as the amazing planner you have already made?

Something along the lines of

School check list

Lunch
PE kit
Swim kit
Homework
Piano book

Then she has a visual reminder of all the things she might need as she rushes out to join friends.

SkaffenAmtiskaw · 02/10/2012 10:21

I feel for you OP, I've got the same one at home. I think your approach is only sensible one really (it's mine too :)).

My DD just started secondary school and has already received lunchtime detention for repeatedly forgetting to hand in a piece of homework (which she had done!).

Yesterday she forgot to lock the door behind her on leaving the house, and that was after reading the note I left her reminding her to do so. She also didn't bring what she needed for her design and technology class as she had forgotten to tell me it was needed for yesterday and not tomorrow: she hadn't written it in her homework diary as she assumed she would remember...

This is despite me telling her she needs to write everything down in her diary and to check it every day: I am the same but over the years have developed strategies to cope...

Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 10:27

I agree that they need to face the consequences of their actions (or non-actions) at this age if not earlier. I never run up to school with forgotten lunches/ books/ pe kits etc, and am now facing the difficulty of what to do when my DD1 forgets her insulin and other stuff. Obviously she needs it, but I do wish she would make sure it is in her bag when I've asked her to check! [frustrated emoticon]

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/10/2012 10:45

Thanks!

I'll give the check list on the front door a go as well, sort of a last chance saloon for forgotten items

I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 02/10/2012 10:50

I'd give something to see the headteachers face when your DD's friend's mum goes in to complaiin! Grin I bet he takes that seriously, Wink

Mrsjay · 02/10/2012 10:58

freddie have you heard from the other mum did she go marching in and SAY HOW VERY DARE YOU ,

IHeartKingThistle · 02/10/2012 11:02

I wish all parents had your attitude!

I was like this at school but because I got good grades no-one ever called me on it or made me sort it out, and I still struggle with it now. DD (5) is showing signs of being exactly like me and she's not going to get away with anything!

nokidshere · 02/10/2012 11:04

I do a general "are you sure you have got everything you need for today" in the mornings before they leave for school and the same for homework "are you sure you have remembered it all".

Its no biggie to give them a quick prompt -after all, how many times do dh/dw's say to each other "have you remembered to....."?

GrimmaTheNome · 02/10/2012 11:05

YANBU. Sounds like you and the school have the right balance of helping her to help herself. The transition to secondary will be that much less difficult.

Berry72 · 02/10/2012 11:09

Aw help her. She's still little. I have one like this and I praise her if she remembers ANYTHING.

GrimmaTheNome · 02/10/2012 11:09

A slightly more focussed prompt - when you're at the stage when you're still monitoring them - is to know how many items they should have (lunchbox, schoolbag, bike) and say 'you should have 3 things, have you got them?' (so they still need to think for themselves what those things are but are helped not to totally forget one of them. If you've reminded them at the door they should have 3 things there's perhaps a bit more chance they'll notice if they only have 1 by the time they exit the gate.

(the 'number of things' technique is what I use if I'm shopping for a few things and haven't made a list)

Peachy · 02/10/2012 11:15

Absolutely agree with facing consequences OP; ds2 is very absent minded and we have tried everything- he is the only NT-ish one of 4 kids anyway so house is litetred with prompts etc.

Still loses everything or forgets it.

He will get a detention and I will back the school and he may learn a lesson I have failed to teach him.

Berry72 · 02/10/2012 11:21

put the planner in the kitchen so you can all see it? I do this with mine and I must say if she needed a bike I would definitely have noticed her not having it? didnt YOU notice?

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/10/2012 11:22

I haven't seen other mum yet this morning.

I dropped DD1, ransacked her drawer for the homework she has been forgetting to bring home since Friday and has to be handed in tomorrow, then dropped DD2, after her teacher peeled her off me, I beat a retreat.

I'll probably hear her outraged ranting at pick up time.

It's actually only 10 minutes out of her hour lunch time, it won't kill them so even if I didn't really agree with it, I wouldn't make a fuss. It's so undermining for their teachers.

Although, at this rate, it'll be her whole lunch break by the end of the week Grin

I think her problem is, she finds school work quite easy, she 'gets' what she has to do quite quickly. She's a coaster, aimlessly wafting about, airy-fairy-ing her way round school with no effort and very little thought. She scraped through her Grade 2 piano exam with 2 marks to spare as she didn't do any practice. 10 minutes a day could have seen her with a distinction. Teachers at parents evening have always said she's doing really well, but could be doing amazingly with a little bit of effort. I think this is just an extension of this iyswim

Thanks

OP posts:
Berry72 · 02/10/2012 11:25

She sounds just like my dd2 Grin I think we have to accept that this is them, maybe they will never 'fulfil their potential'. I completely agree with you about the school and I would DEFINITELY let them handle it without complaining, however I would give more practical help at home for a few weeks and see if it helps. dd2 isnt allowed ANY telly or playtime until she's done her homework AND music practice.

Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/10/2012 11:26

Sorry, x-posted

I must say if she needed a bike I would definitely have noticed her not having it? didnt YOU notice?

Yes, I did.

Her friends knocked. I handed her her book bag and her lunch, she left - with the words "don't forget your bike" ringing in her ears

I left house with DD2 2 minutes later to find the lunch box sitting on the hall floor and the bike (that she'd walked past to get off our drive) still sitting in the car port

OP posts:
Berry72 · 02/10/2012 11:27
Grin
Original poster
freddiefrog · 02/10/2012 11:49

Oh, she's not allowed telly or play time until the homework is done.

She's very good at sitting at the dining table/the piano for an hour not actually doing very much, but I think she's gradually beginning to realise that it would be a lot less painless if she just got on with it. It would be done in 10 minutes. I help, but I'm not doing it for her.

She will begrudgingly do it, if she remembers to bring it home in the first place.

I shouldn't still have to keep chasing her to put it straight back in her bag when it's done. I've done that for years and I think she should start taking responsibility for it now, and to be honest, if a detention helps her remember her homework the following day, then I'm all for it

OP posts:
amicissimma · 02/10/2012 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PropositionJoe · 02/10/2012 12:08

Op you are absolutely right and I would be sending her for a school dinner paid for out of pocket money too. If she doesnt see any consequences to her actions, why would she stop them? I'm sure sitting out the odd swimming lesson, bored whilst the others swim, might help too.

Have you tried chanting? The same every morning, "lunch, books, sports kit" as she goes out of the door. Something about the chant seems to help. Or sing it?

bubby64 · 02/10/2012 12:15

One of my DS's was like this last year, in fact I did a post very like yours as was in despair, and knew he would have to get himself organised for this year as was starting High School! We did the planner thing, notes by the door, me reminding him etc, etc, and none of it seemed to work, he was just a very bright, though disorganised child, he had always got something more interesting going on in his head than remembering mundane day to day stuff!
The school even started so say that if anyone lesft behind/forgot to bring in stuff, it was "doing a bubby'sson" IYSWIM. He got detentions, lectures fron the head, all sorts of things, but it didnt change things.
His form teacher, like your DD's, tried her hardest to prepare him for high school, and even she started to lose hope, and I dreaded September and his start there.
However- A miracle occured upon becoming a HighSchool boy, yes, he still needs the planner, and some gentle prompting, but he organises his stuff for the morning, and, so far, has only left a necessary item behind once! He knows now that only he can be fully in charge of his stuff, and, now I am no longer a 5 minute walk away, if he needs it, he had better take it, as I can no longer come to his rescue, and also, If he hasnt got it, he will have to take the consequences, and those are often better than lookingi "un-cool" which is what would happen if your mum is seen either coming to the bus stop or, worse still, the school, to drop off stuff you forget!

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 02/10/2012 13:12

My DS2 was exactly like your daughter at that age. There was no chance of him remembering his bag, his PE kit and his lunch on the same day. I didn't used to do anything about it other than a cursary Have you got everything ready for tomorrow . He would get detentions from the teachers and sometimes did not do well in tests because he had forgotten to revise.
Not nagging meant that we were not fighting with him all the time. He is now 18 and is spectacularly well organised and resHe matured in his own time. That's the whole idea of school isn't it?